| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/15/2008 7:08:56 AM | This is my first post. I was married 20+ years to a decorated war hero with an alcohol problem. I thought I was content and tried to gloss over the bad times and get on with whatever I was doing. We had a carpenter do lots of work around the house and after years of observing the quality work he did and talking to him on occasion and after years of not having "a good marriage" I sent him an email telling him I was smitten. We started emailing back and forth and one evening I was out with a girlfriend of mine I decided to ask him if he'd like to go out... Well, we enjoyed each others company immensely and after a year I got a divorce and he moved in with me.
It wasn't 3 months and I was seeing that I had made a mistake. I will love this man until the day I die, but I couldn't support him any longer. I was going broke paying for his rent, before he lived with me, electric, water, dental, glasses,tires, clothes, you name it. I helped him when he wasn't working with hopes of when he got a good job he would help me. Well after living with me for months and after working for weeks and giving me only$100.00 I thought something had to give. I left him a dear john letter and went back to my ex. I had security with my ex but there was no love. I apologized to the carpenter and continued to see him. One day he came to the door and asked me to marry him. I told him I'd truly love to but he had to work, he moved back in (without me asking him) and I observed him for a couple weeks. He was on the computer for hours, practiced guitar for hours, wrote songs, fixed electronic equipment, puttered. I'd ask, are you filling out a resume? Nope. Any job prospects, Nope. I operate a home business, he never offered to help me, however, he would fix things around the house with some prodding, and it was fixed to perfection. But it appeared to me he was there because I took care of him and he was only taking care of himself. So out he went again.
I continued seeing both him and my ex.
Last Thursday I call and ask him for dinner. He stays the night and I have hopes of renewing our relationship, thinking maybe I can make it with him working when he does and over look his faults, for better and for worse as they say. We had a great time, I missed him and enjoyed his company more than ever it seemed. Friday he calls me after work, telling me he had a bad day, got a ticket for no seat belt, had to work early the next day and was going to stay at his place. No problem. Saturday, I kinda expect him for dinner so I call. No answer. I call again. No answer. So I go to his place, he's sitting at the computer with another woman. Says he lost his other phone, here's the new number, stay and watch a movie with them. I don' t think so. He has a male roommate so I'm thinking it could possibly be the other guy's girl, but he offers no information about her. I ask if she's staying there and he says yes. So I still am not sure. The next night I call and ask if he's alone and he says no.
So I guess that's it. I should have expected it. But I also think he should have told me he was leaving me or wanted me out of his life or something. He was just never willing to do what it takes to make end meet. He worked when someone called him, his phone was cut off, internet cut off, no heat in his place, no hot water... I could see that happening here.
I'm hurting badly, but it is probably the best thing, because I know he isn't going to change. I just wish the hurt would go away!! | |
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| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/15/2008 7:17:26 AM | oh dear, so the grass wasn't greener on the other side after all.....
hey ho... all is not lost, hopefully you have some nice cupboards  | |
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| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/15/2008 7:27:53 AM | We had a carpenter do lots of work around the house and after years of observing the quality work he did and talking to him on occasion and after years of not having "a good marriage" I sent him an email telling him I was smitten. We started emailing back and forth and one evening I was out with a girlfriend of mine I decided to ask him if he'd like to go out... Well, we enjoyed each others company immensely and after a year I got a divorce and he moved in with me.
I continued seeing both him and my ex.
You know...When I meet a sincere person and see them go through senseless heartbreak because somebody has done them wrong, I feel for them, and can sympathise..
But when I come across a person who's been unfaithful, and been guilty of deceit, crying the blues? I'm sorry, I just can't have any sympathy...Maybe you should have thought about all this before you screwed around on your husband? | |
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| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/15/2008 7:43:34 AM | omg........never thought I'd ever say this on this forum but I'm soooooo happy to see that what goes around comes around........you deserved everything you got because you seem to have no problem messing other's lives up........and only start whining when it comes right back to you.....
Boy, you profile picture makes it look like you are a model citizen so full of love and compassion........what a crock......You are clearly selfish and I'm not impressed at all.
You had some nerve to run back to the safety net of your original husband..(which takes the lame attempt of discrediting him through your "alcohol" comment off the table).............too bad he didn't have the locks changed.......
I love Karma!  | |
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| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/15/2008 8:29:09 AM | Wow!!!! You are 53 years old and you behave more poorly than the people than a third your age.
You brought this mess on yourself. Don't expect too much sympathy from this crowd. | |
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| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/15/2008 9:20:13 AM | How dare him - to use YOU ... while YOU are using your husband/ex husband.
Boy .... the nerve of some people. | |
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| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/15/2008 9:21:17 AM | Seriously Sltydog, do you know why the posters above feel that you are in the wrong? From what you wrote, you left your husband for another guy, and then when it didn't work out, you moved back in with the ex, and continued to see this other guy. This type of behavior is why 99% of the threads are in the Broken hearts section.
I continued seeing both him and my ex.
Last Thursday I call and ask him for dinner. He stays the night and I have hopes of renewing our relationship, thinking maybe I can make it with him working when he does and over look his faults, for better and for worse as they say.
Your ex-husband might be familiar with this saying, but the guy you left him for clearly doesn't
Do you care about what this has done, and is doing to your ex husband?
Are you still living with him? And if so, does he know you are still looking?
Please answer. From here, you seem like a selfish, self centered person. And I'd like to know what you are thinking, so I can understand how you, and people like you, can operate this way. | |
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| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/15/2008 10:52:27 AM | What a loser. I have no sympathy for people like you at all. | |
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| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/15/2008 11:51:06 AM |
Please answer. From here, you seem like a selfish, self centered person. And I'd like to know what you are thinking, so I can understand how you, and people like you, can operate this way.
I'm with you on this Spiff, I'd love to hear the answer.
I'm absolutely speechless that someone could be so clueless and self absorbed. | |
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| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/15/2008 12:59:53 PM | I was astonished at the replies. I left my husband because of mental abuse and lack of intimacy. The man I left him for took advantage of me, drained me financially. So I left that relationship as well. I hoped to remain friends with both of them, avoiding the abuse from one and regaining my financial stability from the other.
If you can't think about yourself and protect yourself from abuse or financial ruin what is a person supposed to do? | |
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| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/15/2008 1:16:59 PM | was astonished at the replies. I left my husband because of mental abuse and lack of intimacy. The man I left him for took advantage of me, drained me financially. So I left that relationship as well. I hoped to remain friends with both of them, avoiding the abuse from one and regaining my financial stability from the other.
If you can't think about yourself and protect yourself from abuse or financial ruin what is a person supposed to do?
But you weren't talking about staying separated in your first message you were talking about reconcilling and that's why people had no sympathy. You say that you left your husband because of "mental abuse and lack of intimacy" but if that were the case you would have left him to live on your own but you didn't you left him for someone else and when that didn't work out you wanted him back. If you'd simply left him you might have a chance but when you leave for someone else that's a betrayal. | |
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nona37
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Joined: 11/20/2008
Msg: 13 | |
| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/15/2008 1:27:01 PM | So the bum of your dreams didn't work out? Golly Gee!
You cheated on your husband and left not with the gardener or a hot pool boy, you left your husband for the lazy bum carpenter. I can only aspire to aim that high in my choice of men.
He was sitting with another woman. HELLO!!!!!! You seriously need to work on your esteem issues and quit being a bum magnet. Why would you even write about this bum? You deserve everything he does to you because you will not stop it. It starts and stops with you. | |
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| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/15/2008 2:51:21 PM | That's why I posted to see what other folks thought When one was abusive I sought solace with the other, I knew it had to stop and I didn' t enjoy hurting either one of them. It wasn't my intention. I just didn't know what to do. I love the lazy bum carpenter and thought if he truly loved me he would strive to be a man and support us. Should that have happened I wouldn't be spilling my guts here to find out how cold and cruel people can be to someone nearly begging for some honest advise. If I was as perfect as everybody here then I could tell them how screwed up they were!
I hope all of you have a Great Christmas and live happily ever after. | |
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nona37
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Joined: 11/20/2008
Msg: 15 | |
| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/15/2008 2:55:46 PM | You didn't enjoy hurting an obvious homewrecker? Come on!
I do know we all make mistakes but you posted and obviously need a swift kick in the emotional tail and you are getting it :) I do not find that we are being cruel, we are reality.
No one is perfect as well as not everyone leaves someone for a bum and then whines about it on here. No offense but this is great material for the jerry springer show.
I admit to being screwed up in the head however, I never dated a bum carpenter...I should try that sometime. | |
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| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/15/2008 3:10:58 PM | | Wow. I hope you aren't looking for symphony after all of that. It sounds to me like you got what you deserve. Remember, other people have feelings too. Next time you think about playing two men at once, think about how you felt when you were played. | |
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| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/15/2008 5:20:43 PM | Well sltydog, you are writing in the broken hearts forum. Many people are here because they are looking for comfort and support because they are hurting from losing love, or they are here because they were once in the position, and keep coming here to chat. Frankly, your actions are just those that caused so much pain and heartache to most of us here. So some of that frustration and anger is coming out at you.
I have no doubt that you are hurting, and I'm sorry for that. But do you realize that you have be absolutely cruel and hurtful to your ex husband? And that you have clearly only been thinking about yourself. You do see that, don't you?
If you didn't love you ex anymore, you should have left him and divorced him. But leaving him for anther man, and then coming back when it didn't work, only to do it again was just f'ed up! How selfish can you be? Now that you are in pain, can you see that you shouldn't have doled out that pain to him? | |
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| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/15/2008 8:25:15 PM | I may sound selfish to you, but if my marriage was good I wouldn't have left it to begin with. I was hurt regularly by him and when I married him I vowed to be a good wife to him and I was until I had enough. You can only hurt someone so badly for so long and then you might expect something to happen. I never knew if he was coming home. You talk like he was the ideal guy and I did him wrong. You shoulda been in my shoes, you wouldn't have put up with it for as long as I did. I'd sit there like the royal dumbass with dinner waiting and he would decide to go out drinking after work and not make it home until nine the next morning.
I saw a lot in the carpenter. He was not a drunk, he played the guitar, did excellent work, he could talk about all the current issues. I didn't know he would use me until he moved in with me. He had to help around the place, chores, bills--nothing out of the ordinary. He was here to live it up, he was in a world of his own. He would only work if someone called him, or he waited for his buddy to come up with a job and needed help. I never knew that about him before he moved in. And he refused to do a resume and apply for jobs.
So, me being divorced after 25 years, I decided to do what I wanted. I didn't want the abuse nor did I want to support a man. So I would go with one here and the other there. It's what single people do. I have my own place they have theirs. I support myself, they support themselves. My carpenter has not faired well. He has no phone or internet, no heat in his trailer, his hot water heater went out and has not been replaced. Earlier this month I ordered a new mattress for his bed in the mobile home, the old one is NASTY, when I became aware of his new girl, I canceled the mattress. He lives in a dump and is bound to stay that way. I thought all he needed was a good woman and a boost up, but now I see otherwise. | |
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| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/15/2008 10:17:13 PM | | Maybe you should have waited awhile before letting the bum carpenter move in with you. Live and learn. As they say, karma can be a b*tch. | |
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| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/15/2008 10:54:36 PM | Im sory to say this, and you know this deep down.
That Pain you feel is regret
You regret what you did, because it came back at you.
You feel like your husband felt, When you left him. thats also jealously there too.
Jealous of that girl, But your difference is that despite that he may be lazy shes still there for him.
You kicked him out of the place out of your life for your own financial needs
And took him back and kicked him out, really its mean but make up your mind.
What you need to do is realise what you yourself did wrong.
do not blame the others, Apologise and learn from the mistake.
You may not be a part of either of there lives
But accept that realise the mistakes you made and move on with your life. | |
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| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/15/2008 10:56:44 PM | You said...."I left him a dear john letter and went back to my ex..."
You then went on to say (4th line from the bottom of your post) ..."But I aso think he should have told me he was leaving me or wanted me out of his life or something..."
Huh?
You were with your husband for over 20 years and you thought you were content, then you say he was mentally abusive to you.
Huh?
You let YOURSELF be taken advantage of by the carpenter in your search for greener pastures. | |
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| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/15/2008 10:59:19 PM | WTF??? am I supposed to get all teary and weepy eye because of your dilemma? this is worse than a episode of Jerry Springer? just when you think you've heard it all? bingo and suddenly Old Jed's a millionaire, and the kin folks said " jed move away from here" 
You left your husband after years of abuse as you claim but as soon as the relationship with the deadbeat ended you run back to the ex for security, you don't think that's a royal dumbass move?
I don't think you can be alone , you would rather put up with someone's bullsh1t, than be by your self? how sad is that? Im not exactly backing the chicken truck up on this one | |
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| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/16/2008 3:44:39 AM | op you actually do have my sympathy and empathy.... 
lots of us have been in the same situation... totally ignorant and naive about the realities of real life because you have been protected my many years of marriage and now you are finding that life outside of that protection isnt all that simple or joyous...??
yep its complicated and if you let it, it will get even worse.
take yourself away from both of these men. you are never going to find happiness with either of them. its up to you to take care of your own happiness and contentment and only when you have achieved that will you be able to move forward into a successfull and fulfilling relationship.
its such an old cliche to say that a person "has to find themselves" but it is such a truism. take some time out for yourself and find your own way, it isnt anyone elses job to make you happy and you are being unfair to expect that. do you actually know who you are? what you want? your expectations? your dreams?
good luck op i hope you work it all out in the end, but dont expect it to happen overnight. | |
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| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/16/2008 6:21:22 AM | Ok, in the spirit of Christmas....
Senstive response: Best thing for you, Sltydog, is NO MEN! You need to get out on your own, and re-discover yourself. Being with someone for 25 years, your identity is wrapped up in that marriage (ie why you moved out from hubby in directly with boyfriend).
Get out on your own, and support yourself. After time, of being on your own, you will be able to come to terms and make peace with what has happened to you (abusive husband & user/loser boyfriend). You will be able to become happier and healthier, and in time, you will be able to meet someone and have a loving, healthy relationship. | |
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| Oh it hurts so bad!
Posted: 12/16/2008 12:25:15 PM | | I just can't have much symphony for cheaters. I understand that you married a drunk. But you should have just divorced him and then started seeing someone else. But instead, you cheat on hi with the carpenter, then you leave him for the carpenter. I just can't believe he took you back. | |
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