| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 12/19/2008 8:44:44 AM | I have this hiccup with getting into new relationships. For Instance, a few guys in the past that I have been acquaintances with have invited me over to hang out etc. The first thought in my mind is "NO NO NO". This is with any new male friend. I would love to have guy friends that I can just drop by whenever watch a movie or play video games but but I'm always scared something bad is going to happen to me.
HERE IS MY QUESTION:
When is the best time to take that next step in meeting at eachother's homes and how do you overcome the fear of being taken advantage of?
I find it hard to trust people in general.  With all of the weirdo's out there how can you truly judge who would be okay and who could possibly be dangerous?
PLEASE HELP ME OUT BY NOT DELETING THIS, I NEED TO KNOW!!! | |
|
| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 12/19/2008 8:48:12 AM | | you need to take a chance sooner or later or you will always be alone, after 4 or 5 dates if your at ease with the guy then you should have no problems with going back to his house, not nesscarily for sex but for anything. and it wouldnt hurt for you to give the guy a little poon once in a while, let loose, be young and have some fun and stop being worried about every little thing. | |
|
| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 12/19/2008 8:51:14 AM | | I'd say after meeting them in public a few times, you should have a pretty good feel for them and whether you're safe in their presence. If that doesn't make you comfortable enough, you can make sure you let someone else know what your plans for the evening are (the name of the person you are with, where you will be) and then have a pre-specified time to check in with them. | |
|
| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 12/19/2008 9:01:29 AM | I agree with them, first meet a few times in a public place and get the feel of him. If somethings he say and do that make you feel uncomfortable while you are out then you should now by then if he is about the right. I had the same fear but, you do have to take some chances and be careful and with all cause make sure you tell someone where you are going and give them the address and his phone number. I would hate for you not to find someone over this fear, I hope this help you.
ladyred1971
 | |
|
| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 12/19/2008 9:01:47 AM | thank you both this has been helpful...
make you comfortable enough, you can make sure you let someone else know what your plans for the evening are (the name of the person you are with, where you will be) and then have a pre-specified time to check in with them
I think this would be a very good idea, thank you for that | |
|
| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 12/19/2008 9:04:23 AM | ladyred1971
That is why I posted this thread is to try and find out ways that would help me get over my fear and still be safe... | |
|
| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 12/19/2008 9:09:18 AM | | You are welcome, no problem. I always say go with your first mind tells you. You will find out it's usually right. Hopefully they don't delete this thread because I know it's a lot of women feeling this way, guys don't get me wrong a lot of us women are agressive to. lol But just be safe and most of all keep your head up you will find love. | |
|
| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 12/19/2008 10:00:01 AM | From experience (yes, I have been attacked a few times in my youth, tho not all on dates) a man who's gonna take advantage of you or try and overpower you will show that side of his personality in small ways before you're in that situation if you give it enough time. You just have to be able to be objective in spite of any chemistry you have...no matter how small, something that makes your radar go off - pay attention to.
Take your time getting to know him, if he tries to speed things up, tell you that he did this and you owe him that, or his conversation is laced with anything sexually dominating or he pushes you to discuss things you've said aren't comfortable with, better safe than sorry. A big one for me is someone who doesn't listen to me telling him no and continuing to tell me in so many words he thinks I mean yes or he thinks I need convincing about anything, especially something regarding a physical boundary. BIG red flag there...to me, no is no and that's the end of it.
Example, "aw c'mon" or "sure you do" in response to "no, I don't".
And this is just my personal thing based on what I have been thru, but it works. Unless until I trust a man completely with my space, he won't know where I live or work for a while. And yes, always let someone know where you're going and give them a time where you'll check in so they know you're safe. Leaving all his info at home on your refrigerator or computer screen isn't a bad idea either. | |
|
| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 12/19/2008 10:05:42 AM |
When is the best time to take that next step in meeting at eachother's homes and how do you overcome the fear of being taken advantage of?
If there's *any* doubt in your mind, don't. You shouldn't have to "overcome" a fear of being taken advantage of. If you have having this fear, you don't know them well enough and don't feel comfortable enough. Listen to your gut, it will not lie to you.
When if feels right and natural a comfortable and desirable, that's the time to take things to the next level. Until that happens, don't push it. And if a guy doesn't respect your boundaries, he's not the guy for you. | |
|
| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 12/19/2008 10:30:14 AM | mrs white tiger ... me thinks you can take care of your self ....just let him know that someone else knows where you are ...there are a lot of weird people out there but there are way more pretty decent guys ... there may be a lot of jerks but the ones who would actually hurt a girl or forcibly rape one are far between .... about the best advice I can give is be stern ...stand up for what you think and dont play the push over .... predators tend to seek out the ones that display weakness ....you dont have to be a bytch but just let it be known you have values and are not afraid to stand up for them
....look for a healthy balance in the way he treats women in general ...stay away from the arrogant as well as the reserved ones ...if he shows no respect for the waitress at dinner he will not show respect for you ....look for a healthy interest in sex ...the ones who are consumed by sex as well as the ones who are scared of the opposite sex are not stable guys ...confident is ok coocky is not ...shy is ok reserved or recluse is not ... its ok if he has a problem talking to new women ...if he has a problem making eye contact ..its a problem ...its ok if he wants to have a good time ..its not ok if he thinks his wants are more important than other peoples ...and Im not talking about you ...if you are in his social plans for good or no good ...he will be on his best behavior toward you ...watch how he treats people that it is not in his interest to impress ... every guy whether a jerk, nice guy or predator is nice to good looking women ....watch how he treats not so great looking women ...watch how he treats and refers to people that are nerdy ...if he pokes fun at the less fortunate/less attractive.... treat him like the plague
another rule is if he introduces you to his friends and he has a variety of friends ..he's probably not a rapist...notice are they friends or just acquaintances who he is playing as friends ...do they know anything about him | |
|
| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 12/19/2008 10:32:44 AM | | I'm thinking that maybe just being honest would work for you. What I mean is if you like somebody and you want to hang out wiht them just say you are nervous to be alone in there or your houses. If you were dating me and you said that I would say no problem we can meet in a restarant until you feel more comfortable. When I am in a relationship I want it to last a long time so I can be patient when it is just starting out. I think a desent guy would do that for you no problem. I aslo think users have a radar for things you feel bad about so defenitely Do Not feel bad about this being nervous. You are fine just like you are and you will find a prince who loves every thing about you. | |
|
| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 12/19/2008 10:37:34 AM | The advice that the other posters have given you already is good. Meet the guys in public several times before being alone with them, trust your instincts, stay alert for boundary-violating behaviours, tell people where you are going so they check on you.
I hate to minimize the risk, but it also sounds as if you are experiencing an excessive level of fear and anxiety. Sure, there are plenty of dangerous people out there, but probably far fewer than you are worrying about.
I would make one more suggestion. Take a self-defense class. If sexual assault prevention is what you are worried about, take one focused on that, because a good one will teach you things well beyond physical techniques to protect yourself, as well as techniques designed to deal with someone larger, stronger and more experienced with confrontations than yourself. Nothing is foolproof, but you can protect yourself better if you learn how.
It would also probably boost your confidence and help you deal with the excessive fear a bit better. | |
|
| |
| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 12/19/2008 10:45:20 AM |
if you are in his social plans for good or no good ...he will be on his best behavior toward you ...watch how he treats people that it is not in his interest to impress ... every guy whether a jerk, nice guy or predator is nice to good looking women ....watch how he treats not so great looking women ...
Excellent point deerdog; and so VERY true. Good lookin' out. | |
|
| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 12/19/2008 10:47:48 AM | Like i said before. Have sex in public so if things go the wrong way you can yell for help 
Live a little  | |
|
| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 12/19/2008 10:55:23 AM | | mrs tiger ..in my post where I said I thought you could take care of your self ..I didnt mean anything bad about it ...I noticed you sitting that horse in your profile ...a person who can control a 1500 lb animal has certain control skills that can be used with guys ...and like with horses when with guys that you are unsure of ..never let them smell fear | |
|
| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 12/19/2008 11:08:45 AM | Unfortunately, you have to assume a little risk in dating, but there are ways to still try and stay safe.
First, always trust your instincts. As others have pointed out, meet in public, watch how they treat wait staff, host/hostess, co-workers, others around you. I'm sure you will see if he is less than desirable through everyday encounters. Also, if I chose to go to a guy's house, I always, always tell a friend I'm going, give them the address and tell them when I intend to leave. I always text them and let them know I'm okay afterwards. | |
|
| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 12/19/2008 11:11:32 AM | OP if you are that worried, and I'm not telling you to not be so cautious, you could try this...
http://www.rapestop.net/index.asp
| |
|
| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 12/19/2008 11:16:15 AM | | ^^^^what catkin said, my friends and i have a "system" where if we are going out with someone new we leave any info we have on them (pics, phone #'s, addresses, plans, etc.) in a note under our pillow. always meet the first few times in public places and of course plan to get there and home on your own. sad that we think this way, yes, but you have to be careful, like Julia Roberts said in Pretty Woman "I'm a safety girl!" :) | |
|
| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 12/19/2008 11:16:57 AM | | I have the same fear but when I plan it properly, I am ok. Ie, I always meet in public places, I drive to the place and leave in my own car. In a public place, it's easy to make a scene and i'm sure he wouldn't do anything in public. | |
|
| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 12/19/2008 11:22:23 AM | I'd suggest - beyond the normal precautions that people have suggested - is letting people know where you're going to be. You could also by a location-aware phone (one with GPS and a system like Loopt). Have a friend who knows where you are and set times to call.
Then again, if you're worried about doing it and not sure, I'd be honest and just not go over there until you are comfortable. If the guy doesn't understand that or pressures you, find another. | |
|
| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 12/19/2008 11:28:31 AM | Trust your gut.
Don't ever ever ignore it.
There are a lot of crazies out there and you SHOULD be careful.
That being said, if you have trust issues across the board, not just with the dating thing... maybe it wouldn't hurt to talk to a therapist.
Best of luck and don't forget to listen to your gut!!!! | |
|
| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 12/19/2008 11:28:45 AM |
Then again, if you're worried about doing it and not sure, I'd be honest and just not go over there until you are comfortable. If the guy doesn't understand that or pressures you, find another.
misking is right... be honest and not go until you are really comfortable. Also, he is right in that if he pressures you, find another....
Good luck... have fun and enjoy dating... just remember to play it safe. | |
|
| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 12/19/2008 1:14:20 PM | If you live in fear, if you live in a state that you will never be able to trust, eventually what you fear will become true.
If you learn to trust, if you learn to recognize trust, you will never have to fear.
That is also true not just with dealing with men by women, but with dealing with other people. In other words, you have to learn to trust, you have to let go. That does not mean that you are not careful, but it means that you give them the benefit of the doubt.
So if you want to hang out with guys, do so. State up front your intentions, meaning you are just hanging out. Then if you have that trust, even if you or that other person get drunk as sh!t it shouldn't be any problem. | |
|
| Fear of Date Rape.....
Posted: 12/19/2008 1:20:18 PM | Make sure you know his full name, his phone number, his address, and even car description and license plate number.
Write these things down. Always tell someone where you are going and when you think you'll be back.
Arrange with a friend that you will call (or she will call you) at a pre-arranged time to make sure you're okay. If you answer and don't say the code phrase you have chosen ahead of time, she will know you're in danger and need help, and will call the police.
Taking these kinds of precautions can help you feel safer going on dates, especially going to someone's house when you do not know them well, or who else might be there.
So if you want to hang out with guys, do so. State up front your intentions, meaning you are just hanging out. Then if you have that trust, even if you or that other person get drunk as sh!t it shouldn't be any problem.
So you think telling someone up front that you're not there to have sex with him will prevent any possibility of assault? Spoken like someone who's never been raped or even been afraid it might happen. | |
|
Home
login 
