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 SUZY4987
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 1
Why can't guys leave their mothers?Page 1 of 1    
Jusy seperated from my husband of 5 years and during this every major decision was always discussed with his mother and other family members before discussed with me and on top of that he would decide whatever they answered him. It came to the point of when I gave birth to my daughter, I was told when at his mom's house to let his mother change her diapers and let his mother potty train. When I wanted to put her in daycare, I was told that he would divorce me because his mother's care (and control) was free of charge! I left him 9 months later.
Does this behaviour sound normal?
When asked why he didn't have a tatoo, he replied his mother didn't want him too!!
Let me add that I did not neglect my daughter at all so this is not the reason he needed his mother to intervene. He is 36 years old. Please tell me am I wrong for leaving?
 Thunderer1973
Joined: 11/26/2008
Msg: 2
Why can't guys leave their mothers?
Posted: 12/19/2008 10:26:57 PM
It's called the Oedipal complex, the ultimate mother's boy. And your ex sounds like a text book case of this. Girls can have it too, called the Elektra complex, the ultimate daddy's girl. Some dude just won't leave the nest. And when they do, some dude expect their female partners to be like their mothers.

Not all dudes are like this. But a lot are.
 Discofied
Joined: 8/31/2007
Msg: 3
Why can't guys leave their mothers?
Posted: 12/19/2008 10:32:29 PM
I don't know whether you made the right choice. Only you can decide that.
This behaviour had to be apparent when you were dating. Did you think it would disappear once you got married?
Normal? No. He does not know what it means to be a husband. He may have thought that it was more important to be a good son.
You can only hope that he will be a better father than he was a husband.
 SUZY4987
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 4
Why can't guys leave their mothers?
Posted: 12/19/2008 10:44:33 PM
When we dated, he was all in to us. We even bought a house and lived together. As soon as we got married it started at the reception when his brother started ordering him around to get the hall to serve dinner and then the dj should start. He always, "looked up" to his brother but now I see what your talking about. It came to the point where he convinced me to move away from Toronto,(away from all my family and friends) to be with his family and they treated me like I was an outsider. He furhter told me that now that we're married, I have to leave my family to start one with him. Looking back he wanted to be with me on his terms. The hard part is I still love him, for the person that he was before, but that person is no longer there. I just found out he started seeing someone 1 month before I left him. Am I not stupid???? I feel stupid!! How do I get over being had?
 Discofied
Joined: 8/31/2007
Msg: 5
Why can't guys leave their mothers?
Posted: 12/19/2008 10:57:05 PM
Looking back he wanted to be with me on his terms
This says it all...
Were you stupid? Of course not. You thought he was a better man than he really is.
He is probably both immature & insecure...hence the need to control you & running around with someone else before you separated.
You will get past this. Give yourself time & forgive yourself. You tried. When everything in your life becomes power struggle, it's exhausting. Bowing out of the relationship was inevitable.
 SUZY4987
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 6
Why can't guys leave their mothers?
Posted: 12/19/2008 11:12:54 PM
thanks, I googled it and got a full explanation. Yes, I think you hit it right on the nose.
Question for you...is this curable? ...lol
 the_humormonger
Joined: 5/30/2006
Msg: 7
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Why can't guys leave their mothers?
Posted: 12/19/2008 11:32:48 PM
from your perspective, op, yes, it's curable. you simply need to learn from your mistakes.

from the dude's perspective - not sure the whole oedipal thing is curable, but, hey, that's his worry, not yours.
 bklynrebel
Joined: 11/30/2008
Msg: 8
Why can't guys leave their mothers?
Posted: 12/20/2008 5:58:32 AM
I dated someone for awhile, he dumped me basically because I said I wanted more than a weekly one night stand, he said I'm too needy, he thought he'd explained to me how much time he has to spend with his mother. I felt like I was dating a married man, all his emotions were for his mother, he just needed some sex on the side.
 WhiteWaterRogue
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 9
Why can't guys leave their mothers?
Posted: 12/20/2008 6:01:35 AM
It's not "Normal" in the sense of its pretty immature on his part and lacking of respect for the mother of his child. Only you know the details, but, if it was not going to change, sure, you did the right thing leaving him.
 bklynrebel
Joined: 11/30/2008
Msg: 10
Why can't guys leave their mothers?
Posted: 12/20/2008 6:02:10 AM
Is this curable? The only thing you can do is look out for yourself and your child. If a mother has made her son into a "surrogate husband" there's nothing that can be done. The situation existed before you came into the picture and will exist after you leave it.
 sosse
Joined: 6/18/2007
Msg: 11
Why can't guys leave their mothers?
Posted: 12/20/2008 11:09:47 AM
It doesn't strike me that you were wrong to leave, because it wasn't a situation that you thought was conducive to your well being. However, when you ask the question whether it is curable or not, it smacks of you thinking he is the one that has the problem only. I suspect that there are many couples that learned to deal with overly-strong attachments to family members, but it was a common solution, not just "fixing" one person.

If you two still have a working relationship - even if a divorce is involved, I suspect your common interaction is curable. My ex and I are both visiting my aunt to celebrate her 80th birthday this weekend. We have to this point been able to work through our difficulties to hang out with each other on special family occasions. I still have to go out of my way (from my perspective) to include her in conversations, and ask all of my family to treat her as still 100% part of the family. I am aware that there is a too-strong tie between me and my family from her perspective, so it is a constant battle for me to fight, also.

I can only suggest patience on your part and sticking to your boundaries with your estranged guy, particularly if you want your child to have a healthy view of its father and his family. It is work, but when you see how your child flourishes in family situations, it is really worth it!!
 ForumStorm08
Joined: 12/10/2008
Msg: 12
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Why can't guys leave their mothers?
Posted: 12/20/2008 12:18:52 PM
OP, I'm not quite ready to jump on the Oedipus Express with some of the others
but that doesn't mean there aren't Mommy issues here. Your added comment
about his brothers behavior at your reception made me pause to wonder where his
place is within his family's dynamic. Is he the recessive one within a dominant
environment? Control?

Anyway, it is more than likely a blessing that you are getting out versus being under
the thumb of he/his family. Best Wishes to You and Good Luck!
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 13
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Why can't guys leave their mothers?
Posted: 12/20/2008 12:37:02 PM
Your question smacks of generalisations. LOTS of men leave their mothers. SOME men DON'T leave their mothers.

Please tell me am I wrong for leaving?
If you KNEW he was a mommy's boy, and you didn't like that, why on Earth did you marry him?
If you didn't KNOW that he was a mommy's boy, then why did you marry someone you didn't know?

Either way, you are dealing with the aftermath of a bad decision, and whatever decisions you make from here on in, you are climbing out of a very deep hole, and that is going to take a very long time.

Whether you like it or not, your decisions are pretty poor. If I was you, I'd not make any more decisions until you check them with your trusted friends, because if this is what you do, then this is the tip of the iceberg of your problems in the future.
 Elgalawaat
Joined: 11/24/2008
Msg: 14
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Why can't guys leave their mothers?
Posted: 12/20/2008 2:10:28 PM
Some men like that Mommy's boy. I love my mother and respect her more than any thing. But I have to draw the line when she tries to adversely interfere in my life.
 broncsbuff
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 15
Why can't guys leave their mothers?
Posted: 12/20/2008 2:17:22 PM

If you KNEW he was a mommy's boy, and you didn't like that, why on Earth did you marry him?
If you didn't KNOW that he was a mommy's boy, then why did you marry someone you didn't know?


this is crazy talk!!!! this mean she would have to take responsibility for her own actions!!! absurd!!!!

Its 2008 you have to blame everyone else for your problems, and when you cant find anybody to pin your problems on, the government has plenty of "legal drugs" to keep you from jumpin off a building...

ok...end of rant
 vfcdvfcd
Joined: 9/12/2008
Msg: 16
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Why can't guys leave their mothers?
Posted: 12/20/2008 2:37:17 PM


It's called the Oedipal complex, the ultimate mother's boy. And your ex sounds like a text book case of this. Girls can have it too, called the Elektra complex, the ultimate daddy's girl. Some dude just won't leave the nest. And when they do, some dude expect their female partners to be like their mothers.

Not all dudes are like this. But a lot are.


(As an aside) It's called the Oedipus complex. Oedipal is the adjective form.

Oedipus complex is not the same as a mother's boy. There is actually nothing stated in the original post that would signify that this is Oedipus complex.

This guy does sound like a mother's boy, though. As it's described, the relationship with his mother is grotesque enough that a healthy romantic relationship with a woman is just... unlikely at best.

Nobody here can diagnose his issue(s); it could be anything from he's simply an invertebrate to some personality disorder like dependent personality disorder or even avoidant personality disorder.

For that reason, I doubt you'll find anyone here who will criticize you for moving on (although I hope that the daughter is able to maintain healthy relationships with the father and his side of the family - assuming it's a safe environment).


Keep in mind, this is the season for miracles - maybe she'll die.
 trekker013
Joined: 3/24/2007
Msg: 17
Why can't guys leave their mothers?
Posted: 12/20/2008 3:00:04 PM
OP

I'm not going to say you were wrong for leaving him, you obviously wouldn't be able to live a happy, healthy life under that situation......

BUT

From what I've read it seems like you should have been able to pick up on what he was like and therefore should have never married him. You made a mistake in doing that and now you have a child with him that complicates things even more.

All I can say is chalk it up as a lesson learned so you don't make the same mistake again and try to make the best of the situation that you are in.

Good luck.
 Silver$Surfer
Joined: 10/28/2008
Msg: 18
Why can't guys leave their mothers?
Posted: 12/20/2008 4:34:56 PM
After reading this thread, all I can think about is that little girl without her dad every day in her life.

I can't argue a case that you should have stayed with him. You lived it, and I accept that you felt you had to do what you did. Hope he's involved in her life.

Happy Holidays,
AM
 Randy3512
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 19
Why can't guys leave their mothers?
Posted: 12/20/2008 7:59:50 PM
He liked to be controlled and he is a proverbial mama's boy. I don't know why any quality woman would have an interest in a man like that. You aren't wrong for leaving.


How do I get over being had?


However, I don't see how you could say that you were 'had' when all of the signs of a maladjusted adult/family were right there in front of you the whole time. You just chose not to acknowledge the warning signs... Shame on you OP.
 iamthebestest
Joined: 7/5/2008
Msg: 20
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Why can't guys leave their mothers?
Posted: 12/20/2008 8:52:28 PM
They like the teets.
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