| Not right for me, I think
Posted: 12/21/2008 11:27:06 PM | So, I've been dating this guy for 3 or 4 weeks now, and for the most part, I get along just fine with him.
However, even though he has most of the qualities I look for in a partner, I'm still not feeling any kind of spark, or connection.
And whats worse is that he regularly insults me about my political views because he's a democrat and I'm a republican. Not once have I ever said anything negative about his party (because I don't like talking about politics, and he knows this), but every time I see him, he says something insulting about mine at least once. Last time, he told me that i'm not republican because i'm "too smart to be that stupid". I've asked him to not say things like that, but he thinks he's been witty and coy.
So, I think I should break things off with him. But I also don't want to because it's so hard for me to start dating again because I always start off incredibly shy and most men are turned off by it.
Any opinions or suggestions? | |
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| Not right for me, I think
Posted: 12/21/2008 11:35:58 PM | sure... work on your shyness and find someone that gives you that "spark".
Your wasting both of your time right now with something you know in your heart isnt going anywhere.
Best of Luck
Cowboy | |
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| Not right for me, I think
Posted: 12/21/2008 11:39:46 PM | I don' t understand how I can work on my shyness. It's not something that I can practice on.
My shyness is fickle though, because for the right person, I don't have issues talking and I'm quite outgoing. But most dates I go on, I just have a problem getting something out of my mouth. | |
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| Not right for me, I think
Posted: 12/21/2008 11:42:21 PM | You could let him know, gently, that he is not being witty and coy, and that he is insulting you and your personal views. Perhaps you could mention how he's showing you a great deal of respect, and if you are really not doing this to him, let him know you are not doing that.
Honestly he sounds like a fish who should be thrown back into the water. | |
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| Not right for me, I think
Posted: 12/22/2008 12:41:11 AM | | I think your "man"is on to something...you do look to smart to be republican. | |
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ISSGOD
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Joined: 10/12/2008
Msg: 6 | |
| Not right for me, I think
Posted: 12/22/2008 1:03:54 AM | If there is no spark there is no spark and you need to let him know this... which probably means breaking up. Also do you really want to be with someone so intolerant of your views? And aren’t Democrats supposed to be all inclusive and accepting of others views… lol?!
Do not stay in a relationship with a man you do not click with just because you are shy and it is hard to go thru the process of dating a new man. Personally I have no problem with shy women as I can be a bit reserved at times. Find someone who makes you happy.
Best of luck to you! | |
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| Not right for me, I think
Posted: 12/22/2008 1:07:17 AM | | You are way to young to waste your time stuck in a relationship you do not enjoy. One of the most important parts of a relationship if finding someone you enjoy talking to and spending time with. Sex only takes up a fraction of your time together. Find someone who gives you as many sparks out of bed as he does in bed. Your brain is your most important erogenous zone. Find the man that appeals to it and you'll be a lot happier. | |
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| Not right for me, I think
Posted: 12/22/2008 1:11:52 AM | There is a way to discuss serious topics without flinging nasty words or trying to make someone look like an idiot or calling them one. It is very child like when discussing something for an adult to have to resort to such behavior. I have my own opinions on things and some might disagree but they don't make me wrong nor do I make them wrong. Why hang out or even date someone who pratically calls you stupid or an idiot? I would not subject myself to that.
But if he is not giving you that special feeling, it is not proper conduct to keep dating him. Let him find someone who gets that spark. You both deserve that.
~Carrie | |
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| Not right for me, I think
Posted: 12/22/2008 1:44:31 AM | Sooooooooooooo.....
You think it's ok to be with an incredibly insensitive dolt--just because you think you're "incredibly shy"?
If THAT'S the reason why you're staying, shyness is not the problem sweetie. Insecurity perhaps--you might think you won't find anyone else to replace him so you don't want to be alone (who doesn't suffer from this???) but shyness ain't the issue right now.
Step up, put your big girl panties ON and tell him to go find him another dem who'll be able to listen to his crap. And go find yourself a republican hang out. Too many of us dems are too busy gloating.
But...if you think that being the doormat is a good thing, then, by all means, stay. It will only get worse the closer we get to inauguration.
I'm a dem and I personally wouldn't date someone who does that. How on earth could you think that was attractive????? | |
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| Not right for me, I think
Posted: 12/22/2008 5:36:22 AM | | I agree that he is not right for you, because that is the way you feel. You need not justify it. It is enough to know it, and if he asks why you are free to explain that you don't know exactly or that you prefer not to say. | |
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| Not right for me, I think
Posted: 12/22/2008 6:48:45 AM | | Sounds like you are settling because you dont want to be alone. I'd rather be alone, and I have been, then to settle for someone that there's just no spark. | |
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| Not right for me, I think
Posted: 12/22/2008 7:45:09 AM | | tell him how you feel, and when you observe his reaction, you'll probably be glad you did. | |
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| Not right for me, I think
Posted: 12/22/2008 7:46:43 AM | I'm very shy to until I get to know someone, it can be a problem. But I usually warm up pretty quickly, but it seems the more i like the person, the more shy I can be. As you get older it will be less because you'll develop a more confident attitude.
As for the spark. I know what you mean. You can't make it happen. It's either there or not.
Now politics. This is why i won't date a Republican. I've had bad experiences with them, most of whom have been terribly racist and made comments about my students or friends of other races. Some people can make opposing viewpoints work. I can't. I'm liberal and want someone with the same values. No one has a right to ridicule you for your beliefs. As long as you are not hurting anyone, you're entitled to them. I certainly don't ever look for arguments with Republicans, they usually bring it to me instead. So i'm surprised to hear a dem doing that. However I think it may have more to do with your shyness and his need to ''control'' you...and he feels you're sort of laid back and shy and can ''get one up on you''. I've been in these types of relationships early in life.
it's definitely a sign to cut him loose. Men who have abusive natures will go after shy, not so confident women in order to belittle them, bring them down, and ultimately control them. So be very careful with this one.
It sounds as though you need to let him go. There is no spark...let that be your reason.. | |
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| Not right for me, I think
Posted: 12/22/2008 8:03:54 AM |
And whats worse is that he regularly insults me about my political views because he's a democrat and I'm a republican
sounds like a bad match right from the get go... date republican problem solved | |
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| Not right for me, I think
Posted: 12/22/2008 8:07:45 AM | ***
OP, your id name is cute.
Being shy is a good thing, not bad at all and the only time is hurts if you work in a field that requires you to be outgoing and you can't be or if you just won't approach people, but on-line it is much easier to approach than in person.
On the guy issue: have you clearly stated to him that you feel this way, you would be surprised how men view things different than women sometimes. He might have no idea that he is offending you. If he does know, does he realize that he is making you feel that way?
If he does know and still does it, move forward.
Best of luck. | |
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| Not right for me, I think
Posted: 12/22/2008 8:35:13 AM | My suggestion is to tell this man, and everyone else, that you are an "independent", and will vote your conscience....... 
That should take care of that, and all you have to work on then, will be to get to know better, and date, someone that DOES move you in "multiple" ways..... 
Just my opinion.......   | |
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| Not right for me, I think
Posted: 12/22/2008 8:38:28 AM | OP....He's not respecting you and you're allowing it. Why is that?
Sounds like you are settling because you don't want to be alone. I'd rather be alone, and I have been, then to settle for someone that there's just no spark
I agree with this 100%.......If there are no sparks....you are settling...You're way too young to settle now. Say the two of you get married next year, have a baby soon there after. Do you really think things would get better? If there's no spark by now, there's never going to be.
AFL is right, too.......You need to build your confidence up. Not only will it help with the shyness, it'll help with the setting boundaries of self respect, too and not allowing people to walk all over you or your opinions. Funny...I've yet to meet a shy bartender-aren't they used to talking to everyone?
One of the ways to combat shyness is to talk to random strangers - men/women/old/young, etc at public places - grocery store/gas station/library, etc.
Just start a friendly dialog on the weather or something. The more people you initiate contact with, the less shy one becomes-usually.
But there's a difference between shyness and nervousness. Many of us can be nervous on a first meet - especially if we think the date is awesome. That's natural....
I used to be shy - when I weighed 60 lbs more - but as the weight came off, my self esteem rose and I realized that I really wasn't shy at all.......Actually most people probably wish I'd shut the hell up!.....
But dump this OP....This is not a match made in heaven....You can do better...and you deserve better.
HR  | |
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nona37
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Joined: 11/20/2008
Msg: 18 | |
| Not right for me, I think
Posted: 12/22/2008 9:07:55 AM | Do not settle for this guy. If this man is insulting your political beliefs and especially this early in the game can one imagine the insults which will fly in the future? He's insensitive and outright rude. Political beliefs can be difficult to overcome at times, however, if two people are truly tolerant this can be done but it takes two people who are openminded.
He's a jerk. Dump him. Find someone you are more compatible with. One can not ignore his insults and stop making excuses for him. | |
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| Not right for me, I think
Posted: 12/22/2008 9:14:46 AM | There is just no point staying with someone with whom you are not happy, just because you are frightened of meeting someone else. After all, would you live in a garbage can, just because you are frightened of finding somewhere new to live?
You're a bartender. That is a fantastic job for getting over your shyness. You can talk to the customers for a few months, and flirt with them, because it's expected. If someone keeps asking you out, you can always say that "you don't date customers". So you have one of the best opportunities I can think of, to get over your shyness. | |
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| Not right for me, I think
Posted: 12/22/2008 9:31:27 AM |
I don' t understand how I can work on my shyness. It's not something that I can practice on.
Yes, you can work on your shyness. You list bartender as 'occupation', right? You should be practicing at work every shift. You should be practicing out on the street some of the time, too.
I get paid to pour the drinks, but it is not the reason I remain employed.
Pretend, act and otherwise practice until it becomes habit.
Peace and good will,
Nick | |
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| Not right for me, I think
Posted: 12/22/2008 10:16:38 AM | However, even though he has most of the qualities I look for in a partner, I'm still not feeling any kind of spark, or connection.
I think you said it yourself when you say you're not feeling a spark or a connection with this man. You have two choices. Stay with him and see if a spark/connection grows with time (sometimes it does take some time to develop) or end things now.
If someone loved me or wanted to keep the potential of being with me long-term an option then I would expect them to respect my feelings and not insult me repeatedly. I don't know about you, but I want to be with someone who's crazy about me regardless of my religious and political views and affiliations.
Deep down, you already know your answer for what you will do. I wish you only the best. One piece of advice is never let your fear of future dating opportunities stop you from making the right decision about your current partner. We all have our fears and insecurities about the future, but that shouldn't stop any of us from being with a partner who isn't the perfect fit. Good enough just doesn't cut it. | |
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| Not right for me, I think
Posted: 12/22/2008 10:26:02 AM | I am not even going to address the supposed political differences. They are overshadowed by larger issues.
Why would you date someone for weeks when there is not any kind of connection or spark? I hope he isn't paying for all of your dates. Why would you lead a person on this way? I am guessing that he thinks you must feel something or he feels something for you otherwise why would he keep dating you? If not... what a couple of game players you both are.
Stop "dating" this man who you have no feelings or spark for. It is unfair to him and unfair to you. Move on and allow him the same.
Ugh. | |
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| Not right for me, I think
Posted: 12/22/2008 10:46:05 AM | I haven't been leading him on. Neither of us have confirmed that we're ready to move it along to a relationship status yet. And I've been holding back because I haven't been sure of how I felt about him. I've never dated someone where I haven't felt a connection to, so this is a new experience for me, and it's confusing.
Also, for those who mentioned sex, we've only had sex once, and it was the second time in my life where i've had bad sex.
And it's very difficult for me to date republicans, for those who suggested it. I live in the state of Maryland, and I've only met a handful of other republicans, but they've often been too conservative for my tastes (I'm a moderate). Really, I don't care what the other person's political beliefs are, just so long as they don't shove it down my throat (which happens more than you may think it does).
It's hard to work on my shyness at work when my manager has shut my bar down for the winter (it's a country club bar and because it's cold, no one's playing golf, so I don't have customers till the spring), so the only times I'm able to bartend is the rare occasion that I'm scheduled for an event. I'm looking for another place to bartend at, but no one, not even retail, is hiring.
I think I am going to break things off with him, but I often find it difficult because I don't like hurting anyone's feelings. | |
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| Not right for me, I think
Posted: 12/22/2008 10:50:38 AM | Is there anything you DO like about the guy? lol If your description is "ehhh", along with him insulting you because you're republican (I'm sure it's razzing, but you don't like it; that's what counts)... then it's obvious you're in a classic situation of dating him because you're comfortable "enough" and don't want to be single.
Work on changing yourself -- self improvement should be a key factor in life. Work on opening yourself up. Breaking up with him should leave you with enough PDSE (post dramatic stress effect) that jumping into the dating scene and being less shy on purpose won't be as hard. Although you'll have to keep that in mind, as you don't want it to swing the other way! | |
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| Not right for me, I think
Posted: 12/22/2008 2:18:55 PM | You seem to be very bright. Work on a conversation about politics to where you can just lay him low one after the other 5-6 should do give no chance for rebuttle, Make this turd feel like he is in the bowl. Then ask how he likes it. The demo's are up for the next six months or so then they will fall like a brick. There is no way this socialist attitude will last. Everyone is down on the USA until we stumble and they start hurting then they say 'Oh help us, how could you let this happen' ROFLMAO.
Oh yea then dump the jerk. mental abuse is still abuse.
You are a cute girl what is not to like. find a new boy. | |
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