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 bonymm
Joined: 12/21/2008
Msg: 1
why are men like this?Page 1 of 1    
Sorry, I am still not recovered from this, but I think I will recover sometime soon......

He chased me since last January, till I finally decided to meet him in person in August 2008.
Sparks and butterflies right away. Amazing chemistry! Courtship, Romance, nice dinners, long trips, incredible Love Making experience, that is hard to forget. (I think it was his goal).

I started falling for him.
But I had some concerns: we always saw each other once a week. We were gong out for 4 and a half months. He doesn't work at this moment, but in the process of a career change. Okay, seeing each other once a week was fine with me, since we exchanged up to 50 messages a day.

But it seemed he had his life on his own, I had my life on my own. He never asked me what I am/was doing for Holidays, never tried to get together during the holiday. It bothered me, especially after expereincing Closeness it seemed we shared. (He more and more often would ask for no protection during sex, whatsoever, I told him I was not on any birth control and I am against abortions) He heard me clearly. And yet, it seemd like it didn't stop him. Now a little bit about him: 35, born and raised in the United States, owns a house, never married, never had kids, great job. You would think, a guy would be more careful with unprotected sex. One day he asked why I was afraid, I said, well, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out the answer. He said: who will be responsible, if anyhting, I said: Me. He said: no, me too. we will be equilly responsible." And there were more examples of this nature. The idea seems like was fascinating him.

Anyways, I patiently waited for things to change for better: spend more time together, spending holidays together, he didn't have to invite me to his family, but maybe getting together for an hour or two during the holiday, would have been nice. It didn't happen.

Last Friday we exchanged X-mas presents. Last Sunday, I jumped online to talk to strangers and ask them some questions, if that was normal (4 1/2 monthes, once a week, no holidays together, (I am all by myself in this country, no family and he is aware of that) They said: no, it was not normal.

I confirmed my concerns and wanted to talk to him, to have "the talk" so to speak. I expressed my concerns (we talked over the phone). I said it appeared like he treated me like his casual weekend date.
He said I raised valid points, then he apologized, then he said he was burned so many times before that he doesn't trust easily, and now it's affecting him and I, then he said, he is going through a difficult time in his life, he is busy, then he said, he takes things slowly. I told him, that I am not quite sure what I want to have with him in the long run, because I didn't know him that well, but I wanted to spend more time with him coz I liked him and coz I wanted to get him to know better, participate more in his life, see what makes him happy, what makes him sad, etc.

Then something changed in his head, and he totally lost control, he became angry, he started yelling, he said I am demanding more than a human can give, then he said, I am overanalysing things, and it's all in my head. Then, I said something, I shouldn't have said, but oh well, too late now. I said, that I talked to strangers and they said: I am not asking more than a human can afford. Oh, my God, he went ballistic, he was talking over my voice, he didn't listen to me anymore, he was like a raging bull. He said, that was horrible what I did, and he is soooo disappointed. He said, I should have talked to him first or the psycologist. (by the way, he sees his psycologist once in a while on different subjects).
So the picture wasn't pretty at all. I was sitting there just watching everyhting falling apart, and was helpless, it was like a bad dream.

He said, I obviously don't need such a guy, like he is. I said, I didn't say that, I am here to ask him, that he was putting words in my mouth. He tried to turn table on me, and made me feel very guilty.

I asked him, if he was capable of spending more time together, and getting more close on many other levels. He said: yes, he was capable. I asked him if he was willing to. He said; yes, at some point.

I asked and when that point will be. He snapped again. He said: he was not gonna win with me here, said that whatever he said, he is on the losing end here. Then his voice became very quite, low, lifeless, and he said:
"Well, I am obviously not the guy you want. Good luck on that one. I have to go now. Bye."

30 min later, I wrote him an email, I expressed my sadness that things are not working out and I wish we could have worked them out. I said, he is probably right, I deserve Somebody who can be with me on the same page, on the same chapter on the same book. I told him I will miss him tremendously, and everything I ever told him was true, how much I loved our time together, our nights togther, and how difucult it will be without all this. I said, I feel sorry, that it is not working out, and I said I saw a lot of potential in us from the beginning. I did, say, I developed a feeling for him.

He didn't respond to my email. Later same night, 10 hours later, I send him a short email apologizing for
asking people online about us. I said, I didn't realise it could hurt him, and it was never my intension to hurt him, and I am sorry if I did. He didn't reply to this either.

Then same night, I called him at 1 am in the morning ( some time ago he told me if I ever needed to talk to him, I can do this at any time of the day or night, so I called him at 1 am on sunday night). The phone rang, he didn't pick up, I left a message. I said, I felt bad, felt very bad, and I asked him to call me back if what we had still mattered to him. HE DID'T.

It has been a week now. I haven't contacted him since then and I won't contact him. But my heart is broken.

I don't even know what to ask everybody here. But feel free to share your thoughs, if you have any.
 Bryan_Iso
Joined: 10/23/2006
Msg: 2
why are men like this?
Posted: 12/28/2008 1:47:20 PM
"It has been a week now. I haven't contacted him since then and I won't contact him."
Good!

"But my heart is broken."
This is your own fault for ignoring all the signs. A tough lesson but one you needed to learn.

"I don't even know what to ask everybody here. But feel free to share your thoughts..."
What you need to ask (your self) is: "Can I trust my gut"? Well, can you?
 Niki Shalicki
Joined: 7/20/2008
Msg: 3
why are men like this?
Posted: 12/28/2008 1:56:26 PM
Something like this happened to me but I figured it out much more quickly. He had a complete other life on the side. A girlfriend of 6 years and they had just bought a house together. Everytime I would voice my concerns to him he would just tell me I was crazy. Until I found her facebook page. You need to go with you gut on this if something doesn't feel right it problably is not. You are most definatly better off with out this one. There are plenty of other decent guys out there who don't have as much baggage and who have it so much more together then he sounds. Just stick to you guns and don't give into him. Good Luck!
 bonymm
Joined: 12/21/2008
Msg: 4
why are men like this?
Posted: 12/28/2008 1:56:46 PM
I belive, I can. But logic and feelings very seldom agree with each other.
Thank you for your understanding.
 jdawg4876
Joined: 8/22/2008
Msg: 5
why are men like this?
Posted: 12/28/2008 1:58:45 PM
I feel sorry for you but what ever you do dont call or write him a thousand times. Makes you look bad. I learned that the hard way after I was in a long relationship.
 zapped
Joined: 12/19/2008
Msg: 6
why are men like this?
Posted: 12/28/2008 2:07:43 PM
OP---give him time...give him a space...leave him alone for now.The court is on his side now ..its up to him if hes going to contact you or not.

It seems both of you have some issues to deal with.Its sad that both of you have potentials for a long term romance..but it blews off.Too late for blaming you now.
I havent seen any problems while you were dating him..4 months is too early to get serious where the relationship is going.He seems was honest to you..and it seems he was hurt what you did.Probably when you talked to him wasnt a good timing and porbably he had problems and youve added it...so he thought you were an insecure woman and that turned him off?

take it easy forawhile...i wish you all the best and good luck.

But for now...leave it just like that--if he comes back then good for you IF not then charge it to experienced.
 bonymm
Joined: 12/21/2008
Msg: 7
why are men like this?
Posted: 12/28/2008 2:11:12 PM
No, I won't contact him. I am very well aware how it looks.

Though I have a question now: Saturday morning, he gave me 2 DVDs to watch, not to have, 2 DVDs that he worked on. I am not going to watch the DVDs, they are movies, simply coz it hurts me to have anything that reminds me of him. My question is: should i mail them back to him, or simply put them somewhere, out of sight out of mind?
 Mafiachixrule
Joined: 5/4/2007
Msg: 8
why are men like this?
Posted: 12/28/2008 2:11:33 PM
OP~ I am very sorry you are experiencing this mental trauma.
IMO~ he is a self-confirmed bachelor with little or no hope of having a realistic relationship. He doesn't even include you in his world, except when it is convenient for HIM? He is lacking balance and integrity. Very selfish. This whole "I've been burned" and "I don't trust any woman" is a classic self-serving band-aid for fear of the unknown. No emotional capacity~ whatsoever. A possible game player with an agenda. Even if he has never been married as you've stated.

If he isn't making ONE BIT of real time genuine effort~ do not contact him further and let it be. Don't apologize to him for trying to reach out in your previous behavior. He isn't worth a gram of energy or emotion. Value yourself and don't feed into his bullshit drama.

Life's lessons can be difficult. You'll be better in time.

On the DVD~ my suggestion would not be to send it back immediately. This is hurtful and could result in unnecessary aftermath. Take the high road. If he contacts you for them~ just send the DVD and nothing else.
 kindredspirit1961
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 9
why are men like this?
Posted: 12/28/2008 2:15:53 PM
This man is totally unavailable and you should feel blessed its over. You'll be hurt and angry but life will go on and you now have the opportunity to meet some great people
 zapped
Joined: 12/19/2008
Msg: 10
why are men like this?
Posted: 12/28/2008 2:16:13 PM
...i feel like im going to laugh here....sounds like an immature thing to do to mail it back...it sounds like making an excuse to contact him...either watch it or dont watch it if thats hard --that reminds you of him.

Do not let scare him off if you want him back.
 1000casts
Joined: 12/20/2008
Msg: 11
why are men like this?
Posted: 12/28/2008 2:22:43 PM

He chased me since last January, till I finally decided to meet him in person in August 2008....seeing each other once a week was fine with me, since we exchanged up to 50 messages a day.

You had a relationship with several different people. The online persona, the once a week guy, and finally the real person.

I like the rabbit stew analogy.
He wanted rabbit stew. He chased you, laid bait, kept patience then caught you. He used you to complete his idea and tastes of the perfect stew. It didn't taste quite as good as he believed it would, so blamed you for the taste and is now throwing it out. More than likely the recipe is still in his head though.
 bonymm
Joined: 12/21/2008
Msg: 12
why are men like this?
Posted: 12/28/2008 2:27:47 PM
I agree, it could seem immature, but depends on why are you doing this: seek more attention and remind of yourself or simply return what doesn't belong to you. I don't like when people borrow things from me and do not return them.
But in this case, probably letting everything be as is would be a smart thing...
 jdawg4876
Joined: 8/22/2008
Msg: 13
why are men like this?
Posted: 12/28/2008 2:40:07 PM
If he emails or calls you about the tapes send them back otherwise he really does not care about them.
 Energzied
Joined: 6/15/2007
Msg: 14
why are men like this?
Posted: 12/28/2008 2:48:47 PM
Its a complicated story, maybe you were just unlucky.. he was nearly perfect for you but perhaps slightly manipulative from the way you portray him, the no condoms is wreckless of you both if you're against abortions.

I think a crucial line was seeing
each other once a week was fine with me, since we exchanged up to 50 messages a day.
- its like you both felt safer from a distance.

You said
I wanted to spend more time with him coz I liked him and coz I wanted to get him to know better, participate more in his life, see what makes him happy, what makes him sad
after he had just said he is
going through a difficult time in his life, he is busy...he takes things slowly
so it sounds like you didn't really listen to what he was saying; did you ever find out why he was going through a difficult time? Perhaps your desire to get much closer, after he had just asked for space, is what enraged him.

I don't think you really did anything wrong, maybe there are some lessons to be learned but maybe it was just never meant to be, which is so hard if you are the one who wanted to make it work. At times it sounded like you tried too hard and didn't listen when he asked for more space and time. You may have been trying to get too emotionally involved too quickly for this particular guy.

Just accept that you have to move on and perhaps try to see the amazing times that you had initially as a taste of things to come in future relationships.
 bonymm
Joined: 12/21/2008
Msg: 15
why are men like this?
Posted: 12/28/2008 3:02:42 PM
I think I tend to think now: it doesn't matter how early in relationship you "talk" about things, you can go ahead and invest more time and energy, and bring it up after 1 year or two, and the result probably will be the same as at 4 1/2 months. If somebody has commitophobia, time probably won't cure it. The reason I am saying that is 2 of my girlfriends went through the same thing, but one has invested 4 years and another one is still going through this, 10 year relationship.

I can be wrong, and things maybe be more complicated, and I can sit and think what childhood he had, how much he was burned in his previous relationship, and how timing is important, etc. But I do think, if people are into each other strongly enough, those issues do not exist. So I come to a conclusion: he is not really that much into me. Simple.
 fun_tall
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 16
view profile
History
why are men like this?
Posted: 12/28/2008 4:22:18 PM
OMG......the saddest POF story ever.....sniff....sniff.....So let's see now BoneyM aka bonymm......"Sparks and butterflies right away. Amazing chemistry! Courtship, Romance, nice dinners, long trips, incredible Love Making experience, that is hard to forget. " AND "(I think it was his goal)."

Two things come to mind:

1. fatal attraction that lead to a list of things(listed above)and thats all good......woo hoo! But, you both enjoyed a temporary goodness that you both knew about. After all, you do miss the love making! (geez)

2. scoring is mandatory whether on a first or second date; there's nothing such as - "lets wait for the right time and for the right guy to come along and p...................y'. Not at 32 for sure.....that crap is kiddie crap - you would have to be 16 for that!!! Oh and yes......you DID put out, didn't you, so don't say HE wanted it. You wanted it and loved it as much as he did....kudo's to you both.

Now.....at 32 if you have so much time on your hands to put a story like this in here and look for reactions, I would strongly suggest you spend all this time in doing things you love to do(your extra cirriculum activities). Don't tell me LA has no more men that will turn you on and be better than this dude......come on now! And last but not the least - you are his weekend gig ONLY. Don't expect anything more.

Good luck!
 Mafiachixrule
Joined: 5/4/2007
Msg: 17
why are men like this?
Posted: 12/28/2008 4:29:24 PM
^^^^ How incredibly rude and callous. Learn some humanity and understanding.

Yes~ I'm talking to you, Mr. Perfect. Pffft.
 ALOHA_CUTIE
Joined: 10/15/2008
Msg: 18
why are men like this?
Posted: 12/28/2008 4:41:16 PM
THE GUY IS A LOSER.

What's worse is that you keep on waiting for him like a lost puppy and he doesn't even care. Instead of seeing you and keeping it casual, he has completely shut you out when you didn't even do anything wrong. Sorry but anyone who says " at some point" when I am having an adult mature discussion with him by asking where we stand ( not unreasonable to ask at all) would slap me into reality.

Are you that naive? Who cares if he was born in the USA and is settled down financially...there are LOTS of well off and even educated men out there who still are incredibly selfish and will not use "protection" because they only care about their needs. This is YOUR BODY, YOUR LIFE...to have a man have complete control over it, refuse to get protection and possibly give you stds or AIDS is not worth it...don't be foolish! Oh and why on earth would you date someone who goes to a psychologist...hello, red flag!

Your post shows multiple red flags...4 months is a reasonable time to know by then if you're are an exclusive couple or not. By the 2nd month, you should be seeing each other more than once. The fact that he doesn't even ask anything about your life is incredibly selfish. This should of served as a warning already that he has no interest in any respectful relationship with you. I know I am coming down hard on you but you need a reality check. The guy doesn't want a commitment and even if he did, he obviously is mentally messed up in the head and is a self serving controlling ass. And by that, I mean everything on HIS time and HIS terms....doesn't sound very attractive does it?

Unless you really have no self respect, I suggest you do yourself a favour and quit contacting him.
 cdn-iceman
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 19
why are men like this?
Posted: 12/28/2008 4:47:29 PM
As sad as that story is , Im afraid you're part of the problem and the blame, from the limited things you've posted, there were so many red flags Im surprised the Chinese Army didn't show up.

This is the classic case of a Master Manipulator. He got you in under 6 steps!
He gets you to think ,believe,assume he's a gentleman and nice guy
1) He took the relationship to "a whole different level" after he chased and chased you.
2) His indifference toward you made you want him more
3) He pushed your buttons so well, you reacted badly-which you're thinking is unlike you
4) He twists it so that you feel guilty
5) You're chasing him helping him improve his game
6) You are still hung up on him, concerned about what he thinks

Manipulative people are experts at exploiting vulnerabilities-- it's how they quickly take control of the situation, and you emotions. Don't be too hard on yourself....think of him as what he really is: a con artist. And a con artist works to gain your confidence and exploit the situation. Forgive yourself, live and learn and move on.
 bonymm
Joined: 12/21/2008
Msg: 20
why are men like this?
Posted: 12/28/2008 5:02:26 PM
I know your are right.

But thanks to all of you, I am on better terms with my Mind Sobriety now.
 Virgo Tigress
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 21
why are men like this?
Posted: 12/28/2008 6:23:16 PM
I feel for you honey. I'm 46, and have just been through the same thing. It's sad that even grown ups treat eachother like disposable waste. He's not worthy of your love or your your tears. Release your hurt. Don't allow an empty, inconsiderate shell of a man to destroy your self esteem. Love yourself, and love will find you.
Be strong.
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