| Scars, do they scare you (guys)
Posted: 12/30/2008 8:24:42 AM | | Guys, what if you meet a gal, she seems to be promising. You go out, you begin to take your relationship to the next level. She has told you of past illness and surgeries so you know to expect some scarring, but when you finally get her clothes off of her, she looks like a butcher block. Would you still be able to have sex with her as normal or would it make you put on the breaks? | |
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| Scars, do they scare you (guys)
Posted: 12/30/2008 8:30:02 AM | Depends upon the guy, of course.
If I were looking for a wife and family, serious medical problems are not a good sign for this kind of future.
I'd have to know more to make a decision about something like this. | |
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| Scars, do they scare you (guys)
Posted: 12/30/2008 8:34:57 AM | | Past illness. The reason I put this post up is because I know someone who is in this situation, she doesn't date because she is afraid that when the time comes to be intimate that the guy will freak out and she doesn't know how she would handle that. | |
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| Scars, do they scare you (guys)
Posted: 12/30/2008 8:37:04 AM | | She shouldn't wait until the crucial moment to mention she has scarring. Tell her to talk about it with men before they get to the clothes-off stage. | |
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| Scars, do they scare you (guys)
Posted: 12/30/2008 8:45:36 AM | | Any man worth being intimate with will look past these superficial scars and see the woman inside. Any man judging her because of her scars is not worth it, and is shallow as well. Unfortunately, she may have to meet a few Mr. Wrongs before she meets Mr Right, this is the world of dating for all of us. | |
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| Scars, do they scare you (guys)
Posted: 12/30/2008 8:51:29 AM | | Actually, scars can be kinda hot sometimes. As UrsulaMajor mentioned though, she shouldn't spring it on him right before they are about to have sex, even if he doesn't really mind them his surprised reaction might come off in a way that makes her feel worse ("holy crap what happened to you?"). She should tell him beforehand in casual conversation, and if he says "lemme see" she should let him as long as they're not on sexual areas. | |
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| Scars, do they scare you (guys)
Posted: 12/30/2008 8:59:52 AM | No. Scars are the price of living, and the price of surviving. 25+ years ago I knew a lovely woman. We had been lovers and remained friends. After she had emergency surgery for an obstructed bowel she thought she was scarred and ruined forever. I told her is wasn't even something a guy would notice.
Since thing I have known women who have survived c-sections, hysterecomies, breast removal, and other operations. They all remain as vibrant as before and as desirable as before.
If your scars are new, they will appear raw. In time that should fade. If, after a couple years you still find them unsightly, consult with a plastic surgeon. One might be able to reduce the obviousness of the scars.
However, do tell the guy so that he is prepared, and doesn't explain "How sh*t, Did you get caught in a paper shredder?" or something to that extent. | |
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| Scars, do they scare you (guys)
Posted: 12/30/2008 9:04:00 AM | | Thank you guys for all validating what I have been telling her all along. Maybe reading your responses will encourage her to step out on a limb and the next time a guy asks her out, maybe she'll say yes for a change. She needs a good man. She's a good woman. | |
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| Scars, do they scare you (guys)
Posted: 12/30/2008 9:05:55 AM | | Hard to say without actually encountering such a situation. I wouldn't be one to judge too harshly, considering I have scars from a few knee operations and a shoulder operation. I would think a woman who is concerned about that should try to empathize with the guy to the extent that she doesn't take it personally if the guy needs to adjust to something he's never encountered before. He might find it a turn off initially, but getting used to something different may be all there is to eliminating the turn off. If you take it personally, you may sabotage a relationship because of something that would be a non-issue given some time. | |
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| Scars, do they scare you (guys)
Posted: 12/30/2008 9:17:53 AM | | She just needs to tell the guy before he has his hand on the bottom of her shirt trying to take it off. This isn't first date conversation, but if they go out a couple times and it seems like it's gonna get to a more physical stage, then she needs to let him know. | |
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| Scars, do they scare you (guys)
Posted: 12/30/2008 10:05:02 AM | I have scars from 2 c-sections, and a recent back surgery along with stretch marks from pregnancy and beyond... while I'm self conscious, not one has ever made a big deal about them.
Actually the one on my back is still raw as it's only been 5.5 wks since the surgery, and the man was over the other night and was paying some extra attention to my lower back and I was squirming and wriggling all over the place. It's a wee bit sensitive still.. hehehe.. | |
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| Scars, do they scare you (guys)
Posted: 12/30/2008 10:08:52 AM | | for the love of c, women have to learn its not there shape, strech marks, scars, its there attitude that makes them attractive | |
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| Scars, do they scare you (guys)
Posted: 12/30/2008 10:12:06 AM | I know you are asking guys...but I can tell you in my experience scars don't matter to guys. If a guy likes you enough to take you home he's not going to be looking at scars.
I flipped a three wheeler when I was 12 and still have a 4x6 scar and another 2x4 scar on my back -these were thrid-degree burns. I spent high school being self-conscious of them and the rest of my life saying feck it. These scars are two big, red badges of freaking courage! I have never once had anyone tell me anything less. I could get them removed and prettied up, but it's never been an issue and they are a great story to tell.
You ever see cutters? People that cut themselves? They can find people to love. Burned people can find people to love. There's all kinds of people that are attractive or unattractive or have problems or diseases that disfigure -lots of them find people to love. Lots of kids out there to prove it.
If she is self-conscious, so will the guy be and he may be worried that he will say or do something wrong; if she is comfortable with herself and can laugh (was the butcher block comment a joke? If yes, it was funny, if no, then she needs therapy to learn to be comfortable and get her mojo back so that someday she can say dude, get ready to enjoy Bride of Frankenstein and be able to laugh like hell about it.
On a side note because I just updated this with her/she instead of you,...um, why did you use the term 'butcher block'? Whose term was that? | |
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| Scars, do they scare you (guys)
Posted: 12/30/2008 11:41:52 AM |
for the love of c, women have to learn its not there shape, strech marks, scars, its there attitude that makes them attractive
I really wish that were true, but too many men these days want the "perfect" woman, and that usually includes one with a "perfect" face and body. And the media doesn't help. Men are way too visual to not want a hot body on their woman. Even men whose own bodies may be less than hot. | |
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| Scars, do they scare you (guys)
Posted: 12/30/2008 11:56:22 AM |
for the love of c, women have to learn its not there shape, strech marks, scars, its there attitude that makes them attractive
Oh I wish that was true. While I have never had a man have issues with the many scars that I have I know that some do. I have had men ask if I have stretch marks from my kids because that turns them off. I don't have stretch marks, but feel that if I had that would have been a sure way to get him to run.
I have many scars from a car wreck and some reconstructive surgeries to fix those injuries. While the scars on my elbow, both shoulders, and knee do not really make me feel uncomfortable the scars from C-section, removing bone from my hip, and my breast reduction do make me feel a bit self conscious. It really isn't even about a man seeing it............its more about it bothers me.
I think that any man that loves me is going love all of me............or I keep telling myself that. LOL | |
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| Scars, do they scare you (guys)
Posted: 12/30/2008 12:00:54 PM | Re posts 12 and 14 (and 15) as they relate to the Opost
I agree 100% with the view in post 12.
Now, post 14:
".. I really wish that were true, but too many men these days want the "perfect" woman, and that usually includes one with a "perfect" face and body. "
Too many? I am not sure it is "too many", but even if it is too many, that still leaves plenty to go.
"And the media doesn't help."
True.
"Men are way too visual to not want a hot body on their woman."
Different men have different aesthetics as to what "hot" is.
"Even men whose own bodies may be less than hot."
That could be said for both sexes. But kind of irrelevant, IMO.
I agree that scars can actually make a woman sexier. Depends on the scars and on the man's aesthetic mindset.
After all, many people like tats!!!!
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| Scars, do they scare you (guys)
Posted: 12/30/2008 12:06:52 PM |
Guys, what if you meet a gal, she seems to be promising. You go out, you begin to take your relationship to the next level. She has told you of past illness and surgeries so you know to expect some scarring, but when you finally get her clothes off of her, she looks like a butcher block. Would you still be able to have sex with her as normal or would it make you put on the breaks?
OP -- I read the question and got to thinking about possible scenarios and outcomes (something I do often). The place I kept ending up at was the moment of first contact. I figure if she was willing and brave enough to share her stories, and says that I should expect some scarring...then the least I can expect in return is the patience and understanding that I will be shocked and bewildered at first, and she has to understand that. That moment of first contact will be critical. I may very well make a gasp or a facial expression of amazed horror...but this is to be expected when the foreign comes into your world. Unless you're used to dealing with such things on a day to day basis, or have dealt with similar previously, no one can expect we're gonna be well prepared for it when we do see it...warnings and cautions notwithstanding.
But I figure as long as she can grant me the time and patience to take it all in, there shouldn't be that big an issue present. She'd have to bear in mind the gasp of horror wasn't personal...it's just foreign to me, so the reaction is quite normal. My ex fiancé had back surgery while we were together, and it left a 4-6 inch scar at the base of her spine. She was very concerned that she was now "disfigured" and wondered if I was gonna abandon ship. I reassured her that it would just take some getting used to, and nothing more. I even remember her trying to clean the wound and I offered to do it for her. She hesitated of course, but I told her that I was gonna see it sooner or later, so why wait. It was bruised and discolored and crusty and the staples looked infected, but I took a moment to take it all in and went to work cleaning it then dressing it for her. May sound odd, but after I put on a clean dressing, I even leaned down and kissed it gently to reassure her (kissed it better is how I explained it lol).
All of a sudden her worries were gone. That, and she had this sudden urge to jump my junk...lol...but that's a different story. 
As long as she's willing to allow me to take it all in and react as one likely would, and she doesn't take it personally...I think it could turn out well for all concerned.
JMO. | |
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| Scars, do they scare you (guys)
Posted: 12/30/2008 12:14:16 PM |
My ex fiancé had back surgery while we were together, and it left a 4-6 inch scar at the base of her spine. She was very concerned that she was now "disfigured" and wondered if I was gonna abandon ship. I reassured her that it would just take some getting used to, and nothing more .
And yet, sadly, for whatever reason, she is now your EX-fiance' and will have to go through the process again with someone else. | |
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| Scars, do they scare you (guys)
Posted: 12/30/2008 12:27:28 PM | My ex fiancé had back surgery while we were together, and it left a 4-6 inch scar at the base of her spine. She was very concerned that she was now "disfigured" and wondered if I was gonna abandon ship. I reassured her that it would just take some getting used to, and nothing more And yet, sadly, for whatever reason, she is now your EX-fiance' and will have to go through the process again with someone else.
Indeed.
But, I've been in that situation at least once in my life, so this affords me a dose of reality to determine how I'd deal with another situation in the future, if I was called upon to do so.
As for her, last I heard she was with child, so someone else dealt with it as easily as I did afterall. :) | |
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| Scars, do they scare you (guys)
Posted: 12/30/2008 1:01:25 PM | | I love scars on me. Like I told my current girlfriend "They tell a story." Scars are unique to every person so they are yours for life. My oldest scar I got when I was about 2 just underneath my eyebrow. I was always self conscious about it but I eventually found out scars make great ice breakers with new people. "Hey check this one out, you'll never guess how I got this one." | |
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| Scars, do they scare you (guys)
Posted: 12/30/2008 2:02:38 PM |
really wish that were true, but too many men these days want the "perfect" woman, and that usually includes one with a "perfect" face and body. And the media doesn't help. Men are way too visual to not want a hot body on their woman. Even men whose own bodies may be less than hot.
Oh I wish that was true. While I have never had a man have issues with the many scars that I have I know that some do. I have had men ask if I have stretch marks from my kids because that turns them off. I don't have stretch marks, but feel that if I had that would have been a sure way to get him to run.
well any guy that superficial is definately not the perfect guy .... I have been with some women with some pretty bad scaring ...never noticed them before or during sex ...but they are neat conversation pieces while laying in bed naked after sex ..I have a few of my own to show ...and stretch marks are beautiful ..as well as c-section scars ...why any woman would be self conscious about such a thing is beyond my comprehension | |
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| Scars, do they scare you (guys)
Posted: 12/30/2008 2:18:49 PM | This reminds me of something I saw on tv about war veterans who were missing limbs. The men didn't care if people knew they were missing a limb, they seemed proud of the fact, and people looked upon them as being heroes. The women on the other hand had to wear a prosthesis and hide the fact because of the way our society views women. People looked at the women like they were freaks and hideous to look at. I can understand the scar issue, and what are you supposed to do about it? If you have had injury and surgerys you are now unworthy in a mans eyes of being loved because you are considered imperfect to look at? Just makes me want to give up. | |
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| Scars, do they scare you (guys)
Posted: 12/30/2008 2:32:59 PM | I am proud of my scars... they are my life journey... some good moments, some not so good ones, but they do represent my life experiences... my courage and my determination to succeed in times of adversity...
Yes, some people are not able to deal, but I feel now very strongly that those people would not be in my life long anyway... I need a fighter, not a person who runs at the first sign of trouble. | |
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pgsnzn
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Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 25 | |
| Scars, do they scare you (guys)
Posted: 12/30/2008 3:05:59 PM | | If she has thoroughly prepped me for it and maybe given a couple of previews of less sensitive parts of the body to guage the reaction, I don't see it as an issue to me. If you are jumping in to bed so quick that the body is more important than the feelings, than it probably would be a hindrance. Personally, if they make the skin feel strange would be worse for me, because I love to touch a woman's body. | |
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