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 candymint
Joined: 12/3/2008
Msg: 1
im dating, but im lonely..Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
i have been dating for a little over a month now. We are both in our 30's; both have been in serious relationships before and he was recently divorced. I know he likes me and likes our relationship, but he is not physically romantic. He says he's not ready for anything more then a simple kiss and holding hands. This is starting to drive me crazy! I want more out of a relationship, and I don't know how to tell him in a way so it doesn't sound offensive. I like him and want to continue, but I want romance and he is not providing that part of the relationship. He tells me he's just not ready and won't talk any more about it. Also, how do I get him to talk about it and tell me when he's ready without being pushy?
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 2
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im dating, but im lonely..
Posted: 1/1/2009 2:30:00 PM
I think you should date other people because this man won't be emotionally available for at least a year after the ink is dry on the divorce. You try to get into a relationship with him now, the chances of you two being together in a year or so are next to nil.
 Chickenshake_Russ
Joined: 11/3/2008
Msg: 3
im dating, but im lonely..
Posted: 1/1/2009 2:38:34 PM
Quite honestly you should be pushy. If you want more out of the relationship than he can give, you have two choices:

1. Be unhappy and keep waiting for him to come around.

2. Be honest with yourself, be honest with him, tell him you can't be be in a relationship with him under these circumstances. The conversation will be uncomfortable, it will suck, but you will also be creating the possibility of happiness. Whether with him or with someone else.

Also, as men, we often have a genetic defect in that we fail to realize how much we want something until it is gone. Maybe triggering this genetic response will get him to come around. If not, be his friend and look for a relationship with someone who can offer you what you need in a relationship.
 dynamic2bfriend
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 4
im dating, but im lonely..
Posted: 1/1/2009 2:42:06 PM
If you want romance and he's not providing it then you will have to deal with not having it from him or take the necessary steps to find happiness for yourself.
 cdn-iceman
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 5
im dating, but im lonely..
Posted: 1/1/2009 2:43:40 PM
Dont you guys talk? you this thing called Communication?
you've been dating for a month, what did you talk about , recipes, old sands in Alberta?
Tell the bugger how you feel, cant worry about offending him?

Talk to the guy, if he cant change, or maybe he has a physical problem, we could sit here and guess all night long, but the easiest way is to TALK to him
 candymint
Joined: 12/3/2008
Msg: 6
im dating, but im lonely..
Posted: 1/1/2009 2:57:49 PM
Let's be honest, romance is a crucial element of a relationship. And if we are really, really honest so is communication. I agree with you.. cdn-iceman.

I guess what I really need to be asking myself is if this is what his idea of a relationship should be? Is he willing to settle for a relationship devoid of romance?
 clmflygirl
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 7
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im dating, but im lonely..
Posted: 1/1/2009 3:03:49 PM
He's being honest with you and telling you he's not ready for the intimacy of a relationship. You should respect that and instead of focusing on getting into a romantic relationship with him, be his friend. Enjoy getting to know him. He's not emotionally ready (as someone earlier posted) because he is recently divorced. People do not easily get over endings to relationships and need their time to heal.

Ultimately, it's all about timing that brings two people together. He's not ready.

You have to decide what you want. If you want to date and be romantic - then find others out there who are ready for that kind of relationship.
 cdn-iceman
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 8
im dating, but im lonely..
Posted: 1/1/2009 3:06:55 PM
No cuddleme, you should be honest and ask HIM, what his idea on what a relationship is, and what is willing to settle for? no point in guessing, how is he supposed to know ?? unless you have some beans and magical crystals hiding somewhere?
 gottalight
Joined: 12/15/2005
Msg: 9
im dating, but im lonely..
Posted: 1/1/2009 3:07:37 PM
Seriously, and I do mean seriously.

Consider polyamorism, and be honest and up front with Number 1. If it is against your religion, consider a new religion. Trust and honesty are too valuble to give up over superficial nonsense.
 cncgandolf
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 10
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im dating, but im lonely..
Posted: 1/1/2009 3:16:59 PM
"He's being honest with you and telling you he's not ready for the intimacy of a relationship."

I agree. I credit the guy with realizing that he is not past the divorce enough to be ready. Too many think jumping into the next bed and getting doses of ego stroking will heal a divorce. Then they end up repeating the mistakes of the last one.

If you want to move quickly to physical initmacy in a relationship, then find someone who is ready to move quickly to initimacy in a relationship. If you think physical intimacy is going to solve "I'm lonely" than you might temporarily be deluded into thinking it has ... but it doesn't.

Meanwhile, learn to respect where a person is ... that is one of the first steps in loving someone.
 sundays_are_ok
Joined: 12/25/2008
Msg: 11
im dating, but im lonely..
Posted: 1/1/2009 3:17:08 PM
smack him and tell him to stop being a fag
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 12
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im dating, but im lonely..
Posted: 1/1/2009 3:31:03 PM
A month? Maybe he's more into knowing someone before he builds up a big ole fake fantasy relationship. I don't think he's your speed or type, I agree with the poster who said you should date others, this sounds like he's not on your path at all. You have your agenda and he doesn't match, no need for you to be frustrated, you are just fishing in the wrong pond.
 anonymouslyme
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 13
im dating, but im lonely..
Posted: 1/1/2009 4:19:55 PM
I would tell him how important this is to you. Not that you should push him, his feelings are important, but yours are too. Maybe he could step outside his current comfort zone just a teeny bit and see how it feels....It's called compromise. My ex husband had many wonderful qualities, but being "all warm and fuzzy all the time" (his words) was not one of them....Unfortunately, it's something I really need, and after a dozen years or so, I literally felt like I was starving for affection. Too bad I didn't know myself as well back then as I do now....I probably would have never married him. So I congratulate you on being able to identify the things that are really important to you, and I strongly suggest you not settle for anything less than that. It's not a good choice in the long run. That's not to say you should abandon your current relationship....but you definately need to find a gentle loving way to communicate your feelings. If one or both of you do not feel comfortable having the conversation face to face, you could write him a sweet love letter, outline how you'd like to see this relationship unfold, and ask him to do the same for you. That gives him a clear picture of your desires, and some time to consider his response, rather than being pressured and put on the spot. Best of luck you you, I hope everything works out the way you want it to.
 Navigator6
Joined: 3/5/2008
Msg: 14
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im dating, but im lonely..
Posted: 1/1/2009 4:29:20 PM
I don't understand why women post about a new guy who wants to take his time and really get to know her, before becoming intimate... and then complain about it. I'm of the opinion that if you're looking for a meaningful LTR, it's important to make sure that it progresses at a healthy rate.

I had this same issue with the last girl I dated. Over the course of 6 or 8 weeks, we had gone out about 12 times - neither of us was dating anyone else. About 1/2 way into it, she came right out and asked me why I hadn't made a move on her yet? I explained that I felt like I wanted to really get to know her and that by having sex, I might not be able to do that. With sex comes emotional attachment, which has a tendency to cloud our thinking, early in a relationship. Some people start overlooking little red flags that they might not have overlooked, had they not have had that "emotional" connection. In a new relationship, IMO one of the worst things you can do is overlook/ignore red flags. As it turns out, the girl I was seeing finally exposed some issues from her past that had a direct affect on our relationship. So, I was glad that we hadn't slept together because it just would have complicated everything.

OP, this could be the reason that your guy wants to wait. OR, it could be that because of his recent divorce, he's not yet emotionally available. However, the only one who knows that for sure is HIM. I'd suggest that you speak with him about your "concerns". Like I said, that's what the last girl I dated did. We talked about it and then she understood. Communication is one of the most import aspects of a healthy relationship. If you aren't yet able to communicate with this guy, I would question whether or not you're really ready to have sex with him...
 **Tee**
Joined: 3/11/2008
Msg: 15
im dating, but im lonely..
Posted: 1/1/2009 4:32:40 PM

He says he's not ready for anything more then a simple kiss and holding hands. This is starting to drive me crazy! I want more out of a relationship


Meh... I don't have that much patience. Just put him up against the wall and tell him you wanna f*ck his brains out..If that doesn't work..


smack him and tell him to stop being a fag


What he said....
 dysfunction_junction
Joined: 7/17/2008
Msg: 16
im dating, but im lonely..
Posted: 1/1/2009 5:10:00 PM
oh man, don't you dare pressure that guy. give him some space! consider yourself lucky that he's perceptive enough to know he isn't ready to get involved too much with somebody right now. he says he's NOT READY and he is ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. you have to accept this relationship on his terms until he's ready for something more, and if you push it at all you are going to ruin it for good. short answer is, be patient. if it's meant to be, he will be worth waiting for.
 Katietxgirl
Joined: 11/19/2007
Msg: 17
im dating, but im lonely..
Posted: 1/1/2009 5:13:44 PM
OP, if the man is recently divorced, maybe he really isn't ready for anything more. I have found that the recently divorced men I have dated weren't ready for something, even when they were romantic and intimate and thought they were ready to move on. I doubt that pushing him will help. I've found the opposite to be true.

I would suggest backing off and dating others, if you aren't happy with what he can offer. I usually don't date recently divorced men due to their not being ready to move on. Just seemed to be a losing battle every time I tried it!
 cinderella911
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 18
im dating, but im lonely..
Posted: 1/1/2009 5:20:25 PM
He is being honest with you so I think the best thing you can do is be honest with him, Like some have said, that little thing called communication other wise you will never be happy because he just isn't giving you what you need,,romance is very important in a relationship, it sounds more like he is treating you like a sister.. good luck..
 printer2
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 19
im dating, but im lonely..
Posted: 1/1/2009 5:20:29 PM
If you are looking for a train wreck push him into getting physical with you. Sorry you two are not on the same as far as what you need right now. Back off and wait for him if he is important to you or go find someone else.
 DaveB951
Joined: 4/12/2008
Msg: 20
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im dating, but im lonely..
Posted: 1/1/2009 5:36:29 PM
Us poor guys. We are damned if we do and damned if we do not.

If you take the time to get to know a woman and not jump into the sack, there is something wrong with you. (Even when you EXPLAIN to the girl you are NOT ready to jump into a heavy romantic relationship at this particular moment).

If you attempt to get into the sack too soon, there is something wrong with you......All we want is sex and we don`t want to take the time to get to know you.....

And you girls think it is easy being a man eh !

There should be a holiday for us men.... like Man Day or National Male Day to honor all us men who try so very hard to be a good man but no matter what we do there is something wrong with us. Sheeesh !!! lol
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 21
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im dating, but im lonely..
Posted: 1/1/2009 5:48:08 PM
I agree with ya daveb!!
I pick tomorrow , Jan 2, to officially be National Good Men day.....
but then I'm picking Jan 3 to officially be National Good Women day...
then Jan 4 to be National Bad Boys and The Women That Love Them Day!!
We should all be covered then!!
 DaveB951
Joined: 4/12/2008
Msg: 22
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im dating, but im lonely..
Posted: 1/1/2009 6:02:40 PM
but then I'm picking Jan 3 to officially be National Good Women day...

Noppers. Sorry. Nada. Ain`t gonna happen. Fa-geta-bout-it.

EVERYDAY is already womans day cuz all us MEN go soooo out of our way to make women happy and to make women feel special every single day.....

I`m just ask`n for one freaking day to be set aside to honor us damned if we do / damned if we don`t MEN.

ONE STINK`N DAY !

 ~SparklingRose~
Joined: 10/20/2008
Msg: 23
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im dating, but im lonely..
Posted: 1/1/2009 6:07:32 PM
I agree with others that say he's just not ready... simple as that! I commend him for his honesty, bigtime.

He's in transition... you just may be in the 'transition' relationship that if you DID have sex could really end up hurting you if/when he decides to break it off with you because he finds that you don't meet his LTR criteria once he comes through to the other side of this transition.

Could it be that his rejection of your advances, makes you feel unsexy? Better if he'd of responded with "Believe me, it's killing me to not touch you, but I'm just not sure I'm emotionally ready to go there yet and need time... it's tough going as I am so physically attracted to you, but I have to do what I feel is fair. ?

As to his communication on the matter: He stated he's not ready... respect it.
 bookmarkthis
Joined: 12/27/2008
Msg: 24
im dating, but im lonely..
Posted: 1/1/2009 6:09:55 PM
I vote to give Dave his day along with the other men. What the heck.

My other vote is with everyone else that says he is not ready and he told you so your best option may be to look elsewhere. Why push him into something he isn't ready for? I wouldn't like it.
 tlm92
Joined: 4/5/2008
Msg: 25
im dating, but im lonely..
Posted: 1/1/2009 6:10:34 PM
I peeked at your profile and it says your single and this guy has just gone through a divorce. It's just my opinion that he's in a different place in life than you are and maybe you guys are just not meant to be. You know, you can meet someone, get along with them and find that you share many things in common but that doesn't necessarily mean that you're a match or should be together. I personally would never date anyone unless they were divorced for a few years simply because there's so much to work out on a personal level. We all heal in our own time and really, how much do you know about his marriage and divorce? You may have to let him go. Dating him for a month and letting him go is easier than if you've been dating him a year or so. Keep in mind that his lack being able to be physically romantic might be the red flag you need to part ways realizing that in time, he may be the first to tell you that you're not the one for him. Best wishes to you----it's never easy...
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