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| what i got in my mail today
Posted: 1/3/2009 10:00:01 AM | A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.The woman says, 'So, you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days'.
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil ****es.. Don't mess with us.
 Hope this puts a giggle in your wiggle while we are all trapped in by this snow, feel free to add your own joke (it has to be from your inbox !) to offset the ****iness <img src=http://www.plentyoffish.com/smiles/icon_201.gif border=0>
edit* men.. dont take offense, laugh at the fact women can be evil :P | |
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| what i got in my mail today
Posted: 1/3/2009 10:30:29 AM | A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new train set. She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of you sons of bi ches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bi tches who are getting on, get you a$$es on the train, cause we are going down the track"
The horrified mother goes in and tells her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room, and you're to stay there for 2 hours. When you come out, you can play with your train again, but I want you to use nice language".
Two hours later the boy comes out his room and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stops and the mother hears her son say." All passengers please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one, we hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue "For those of you now boarding, remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today"
As the mother began to smile the child added " For those of you who are pi ssed off about the two hour delay, please see that bi tch in the kitchen." | |
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| what i got in my mail today
Posted: 1/3/2009 10:50:57 AM | I got the car accident one this morning as well 
Here are some other boredom busters:
http://www.hawkin.net/attack/sproutifarts.html
**Warning** big hairy spider (click to poke or click and drag)
http://WWW.onemotion.Com/flash/spider/
http://www.kroma.no/2008/bushgame/
http://www.southbank-design.co.uk/turkeyshoot/index.htm
THE WORLD'S SHORTEST PSYCHIATRIC JOKE
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts." | |
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| what i got in my mail today
Posted: 1/3/2009 12:10:06 PM | ^^^ haha ^^^
Never Argue with a Woman
A couple is vacationing at a lake
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am.
What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, isn't
that obvious?)
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry,
officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the
equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to
take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"
says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true,
but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. | |
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| what i got in my mail today
Posted: 1/3/2009 12:18:44 PM |
As the mother began to smile the child added " For those of you who are pi ssed off about the two hour delay, please see that bi tch in the kitchen."
Thanx Buddy... that made my day.... | |
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| what i got in my mail today
Posted: 1/3/2009 7:39:18 PM | HOW LATEX GLOVES ARE MADE:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. No, I don't" she replied.
Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex. Workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.
"She didn't crack a smile. Oh well, I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked.
She replied, "I was just picturing how condoms are made!" | |
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| what i got in my mail today
Posted: 1/3/2009 9:34:50 PM | Church Feud
There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir Director of the Huntsville Southern Baptist Church.
It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on "Dedicating Yourselves to Service".
The Choir Director chose to sing: "I Shall Not Be Moved"
Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incident behind him.
The next Sunday he preached on "Giving".
Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the director led them in the hymn: "Jesus Paid It All"
By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built.
A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on "The Sin of Gossiping".
Would you believe the Choir Director selected: "I Love to Tell the Story"
There was no turning back.
The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed he was considering resignation.
The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in: "Why Not Tonight."
Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later; explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away.
The Choir Director could not resist: "What A Friend We Have In Jesus"
-------------------------
A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I Had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365,
'Shall We Gather at the River'."
Smile, life is too short not to...See you at the river!!
__________________________________________
ONCE A BAPTIST -- ALWAYS A BAPTIST
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.
Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was
resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was sitting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.
The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent?
The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
Nothing will happen if you don't pass this on. But, if you do, a few Baptists and Catholics will be laughing! | |
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| what i got in my mail today
Posted: 1/4/2009 5:03:15 PM | Msg -Loved it....lol...
Happy 2009..... I always, let the woman drink first!....but that is only me....lol..
O:) | |
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| what i got in my mail today
Posted: 1/4/2009 6:22:45 PM | haha!!! I am SOOOOOOOOOooooo never buying my cubbies a train set
keep it up people, laughter is our best medicine | |
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| what i got in my mail today
Posted: 1/4/2009 7:18:09 PM | A woman is standing nude looking at herself in her bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband. "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment"
The husband replies, "Your eyesight is damn near perfect". | |
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| what i got in my mail today
Posted: 1/4/2009 8:10:13 PM | Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.
----------------------------------------
Jack and Jill Went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
And now there's little Franky.
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Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
---------------------------------------------
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over, Rover took over
And gave her a bone of his own.
--------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb,
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its @r$e
And turned its wool to nylon
------------------------------------------
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
Said "F*ck him, He's only an egg.
------------------------------------------------
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay | |
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Joined: 6/5/2008
Msg: 12 | |
| what i got in my mail today
Posted: 1/4/2009 8:52:44 PM | Here is what I got in the mail today.
Technology - where will it end?
Now you can check your partner's (wife or husband) where he / she go.
But don't tell your other half.
Google Earth just got better, type in the mobile phone number and you get the location of that person!
Give it a try. It is incredible! However, don't do it if you don't want the truth.
Click on Link Below and type in the cell number:
http://www.track-your-partner.com
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| what i got in my mail today
Posted: 1/4/2009 9:36:04 PM | haha^^^ i tracked my #......i only wish that was what i was doing
my contribution for the day
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas:
Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2 000 square foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3 year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke - and lots of it.
9. A 6 year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old.
11. Playdough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on the water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject peant butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6 year old is wonderful thing
Once upon a time a little bird was flying south for the winter when he froze
solid and fell to the ground. Just to make matters worse, a cow came by and
crapped on him. But the crap was warm and thawed out the little bird. He
was so happy in his warm pile of poop that he began to sing. A cat
promptly came along, dug him up and ate him.
The Moral: Not neccesarily everyone who shits on you is an enemy, and not
neccesarily everyone who gets you out of shit is a friend, so if you're warm
and happy keep your mouth shut. | |
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| what i got in my mail today
Posted: 1/6/2009 9:23:29 PM | This test is very quick with only one question, but it's a very important
one, especially considering the news of the past week. By giving an honest
answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you
will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
THE SITUATION:
You are in Canada, Ottawa to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a huge early December storm with
severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photo-journalist working for a major Canadian newspaper, and
you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly
hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the
water of the Ottawa River.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST:
Suddenly, you see four men in the water.
They are fighting for their lives, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer... Somehow, the men look familiar...
You suddenly realize who they are. It's Stephen Harper, Stephane Dion,
Jack Layton, and Gilles Duceppe!
You notice that the raging waters are about to take them under forever. You
have two options:
You can save lives or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning
photo, documenting the death of the country's most powerful men at possibly
one of Canada's most important historical moments!
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...
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Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white? | |
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| what i got in my mail today
Posted: 1/6/2009 9:49:26 PM | blk and white all the way baby
2 men r talking and one says to the other
"do u ever mix ur words up"
"yup", says the 2nd man
1st guy says "while the other day , i was at the airport and asked for 2 pits to titsburg"
2nd guy says " the other day i wanted to ask my wife to pass the corn flakes. but ended up says .... you cu*t you ruined my life !!! "
moral of the story....DONT EVER PASS ME THE CORN FLAKES  | |
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Joined: 6/5/2008
Msg: 17 | |
| what i got in my mail today
Posted: 1/7/2009 2:23:09 AM |
Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?
I use a digital camera, so would take a colour photo, which I could then with one click convert to black and white, and would submit both versions to my editor.
I'm already clearing a spot on the mantle for the prize.  | |
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| what i got in my mail today
Posted: 1/7/2009 8:11:56 AM | Here's another contribution:
This is for all dog lovers and those who have owned a cat
DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat-while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. **stards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. | |
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XHTML
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Joined: 6/5/2008
Msg: 19 | |
| what i got in my mail today
Posted: 1/7/2009 12:48:40 PM | A friend shared this sad and true story.
She works in home care and one of her clients is an elderly lady who has a Love bird. The bird has free reign of the place and has a habit of chewing up the couch and made quite a mess in one corner of it, but it is such a sweet bird and good companion, this behaviour is tolerated. A bed sheet is put on the couch to make it more presentable. The bird has a habit of crawling under the sheet to carry on chewing up the couch.
So one afternoon at the appointed time my friend lets herself into the client's home. To her surprise the place is quiet. There is no body home, and not even the usual greeting chips from the bird. She looks around and cannot find the lady or the bird.
Puzzled, she calls the office to inquire if they know anything. Office calls the client's family and learns they have mom out for some appointment.
My friend looks in the home care log book and sees co-worker who did the morning shift did the laundry. Hmmmm....
She checks the laundry room. The washer is empty. One more check... she opens the dryer. Yep, feathers and down are everywhere.
Evidently the co-worker scooped up the bird along with the sheet, and washed and dried the poor thing.
Ooops. | |
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| what i got in my mail today
Posted: 1/7/2009 1:53:11 PM |
she opens the dryer. Yep, feathers and down are everywhere.
Evidently the co-worker scooped up the bird along with the sheet, and washed and dried the poor thing.
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| what i got in my mail today
Posted: 1/7/2009 9:41:34 PM | a joke:
my property assesment I got in the mail....guess its ok, property taxes will remain low and thats something I can live with  | |
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| what i got in my mail today
Posted: 1/7/2009 9:47:32 PM | | yep, hon.. as long as you don't plan on selling the the near future, this is good news.. Your property taxes will certainly remail low. I sure feel sorry for people who are trying to sell their places and move "up" or for first time buyers....... sucks royally | |
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| what i got in my mail today
Posted: 1/8/2009 4:36:35 AM | SHOULD YOU DRIVE WITH YOUR WIFE?
>
> > > A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer
> > > says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
>
>
> > > The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise
> > > control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs
> > > calibrating.'
>
>
> > > Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now
> > > don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't
> > > have cruise control.'
>
>
> > > As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over
> > > at his wife and growls,'Can't you please keep your
> > > mouth shut for once?'
>
>
>
>
> > > The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be
> > > thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
>
>
>
> > > As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal
> > > radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says
> > > through clenched teeth, 'Dammit, woman, can't you
> > > keep your mouth shut?'
>
>
>
> > > The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that
> > > you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an
> > > automatic $75 fine.'
>
>
>
> > > The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had
> > > it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I
> > > could get my license out of my back pocket.'
>
>
>
> > > The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that
> > > you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your
> > > seat belt when you're driving.'
>
>
>
>
> > > And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket
> > > the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T
> > > YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
>
>
> > > The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does
> > > your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
> > > ..
> > > ..
> > > I love this part.... :
> > >
> > >
> > > 'Only when he's been drinking.' | |
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| what i got in my mail today
Posted: 1/8/2009 1:04:37 PM | haha^^^^
This is a bit long, but damn funny! It will give you something to read when you can’t sleep.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Anne what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head tilted to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. | |
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