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Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Girl  > How do you tell someone they're not attractive without offending?      Home login  
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 ~Mo~
Joined: 2/25/2008
Msg: 1
How do you tell someone they're not attractive without offending?Page 1 of 1    
Apologies in Advance if a similar thread exists.

OK, so here's the deal:

A couple of weeks ago, I started chatting to someone from POF who initially didn't have a picture on her profile. She liked me and we exchanged numbers & msn addresses. This was when I was in the mood of "Hey, why not?" as normally, I don't talk to anyone unless I know what they look like.

We planned to meet up on Friday (the day after New Years Day). By that time, she had a pic on her profile, but it wasn't a clear one (it was taken from a Mobile Phone, and she's not that experienced with Computers in general). But she looked OK.

Anyway, we met on Friday, and, not to my surprise, the physical attraction wasn't there (for me at least). After the usual introductions & general chat, she went straight into asking whether I liked her, which shocked me. I answered in a Negative Expression (I had to be honest, I guess). When she opted for a reason, I just explained how I felt the attraction wasn't there. When she asked me to elaborate, I refused, as I couldn't think of a way of being honest without offending her. I think she already knew the answer....I guess she just wanted me to admit it.

May I add that in the end, we didn't really have an enjoyable day (LOL) as, although I wanted a good time and didn't mind spending the rest of the day with her (as planned), all she kept pestering me for was the elaborate answer. We did, however (I believe), depart on good terms.

So yeah, how do you tell someone they're not attractive without offending? I guess it's easier for girls, as I'm never offended
 rockbandguy
Joined: 7/27/2008
Msg: 2
How do you tell someone they're not attractive without offending?
Posted: 1/4/2009 9:56:47 PM
I'd have to say in a case like that it's best to be a liar. Say that you really like them, but your ex got back in contact with you and you're looking at getting back together. That way you look like the bad one and you don't make her feel bad about herself. Just my opinion
 robernj
Joined: 11/3/2008
Msg: 3
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How do you tell someone they're not attractive without offending?
Posted: 1/4/2009 9:56:57 PM
This has happened to me before, and I usually get out safely by telling them that they are to nice, more sister material. If that fails you could just do what everyone else does and vanish.
 ~Mo~
Joined: 2/25/2008
Msg: 4
How do you tell someone they're not attractive without offending?
Posted: 1/4/2009 9:59:34 PM
I'd have to say in a case like that it's best to be a liar. Say that you really like them, but your ex got back in contact with you and you're looking at getting back together.


Nah, she would've sussed out I was lying, believe me. If me and my ex got back in contact with me, the sensible thing would be to cancel the meeting
 demonsleeves
Joined: 9/9/2008
Msg: 5
How do you tell someone they're not attractive without offending?
Posted: 1/4/2009 9:59:57 PM
Since "attractiveness"is in the eye of the beholder,I'd simply say I didn't feel that chemistry connection.
No need to get any further detailed.
If someone wants to debate the issure further,I'd excuse myself and leave.
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 6
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How do you tell someone they're not attractive without offending?
Posted: 1/4/2009 10:00:04 PM
No one wants to hear that they aren't attractive when they're being rejected - male or female. Just tell the woman that this isn't working out and that you wish her the best. The sooner the better for both of you.
 UrsulaMajor
Joined: 6/21/2008
Msg: 7
How do you tell someone they're not attractive without offending?
Posted: 1/4/2009 10:00:14 PM
You don't tell them they're not attractive. You just don't. That's the kind of thing that will stick in someone's mind and heart and hurt for a long time.
 harold89
Joined: 11/8/2008
Msg: 8
How do you tell someone they're not attractive without offending?
Posted: 1/4/2009 10:01:44 PM
I say there isn't any chemistry or "spark". That's the most polite way I've figured out how to say "you're unattractive to me" without lying.
 Feather Sandwich
Joined: 11/1/2008
Msg: 9
How do you tell someone they're not attractive without offending?
Posted: 1/4/2009 10:02:12 PM
Try, "I'm sorry, I don't feel it for you." Don't follow it up with, "Would you like to blow me anyway?" & you're probably OK.

We see right through that "back to my ex" & "like a sister" crap, btw.

Also, the "you're a great girl" bs. Don't bother. If you thought we were that great, you would want us. Just tell the truth for once, K?
 CanadianBeef
Joined: 1/5/2008
Msg: 10
How do you tell someone they're not attractive without offending?
Posted: 1/4/2009 10:02:28 PM
Rule number 1....ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ask for photos...I've made that mistake a few times myself, thankfully that was years ago on ICQ before saying "yuck your gross" was considered mean.

Rule number 2...all is fare in love and war...your not attracted...c'est la vie...move on...no polite way in saying "I think your genes are gross".

Cheers,
Alex
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 11
How do you tell someone they're not attractive without offending?
Posted: 1/4/2009 10:03:55 PM
It isn't easy to tell anyone they aren't attractive and therefore why do it? You don't need to say that to someone. All you need to tell them is that you aren't attracted to them physically. That's it. You don't need to elaborate or explain why you aren't. If that isn't good enough for them, then that is their problem. For her to continue interrogating you as to your reasoning was totally inappropriate. I doubt you'll find many women who would firstly, ask you point blank when you meet whether you think they are attractive, and secondly, if you respond in the negative, ask you why. That is absolutely incredible to me. I can't imagine asking either question. A woman knows if a man finds her attractive or not. And personally, I am not so thick-skinned that I want to be told what he finds unattractive. I prefer to just go with we didn't click. No hard feelings or bruised egos.
 compound_fracture
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 12
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How do you tell someone they're not attractive without offending?
Posted: 1/4/2009 10:04:11 PM
Okay, well, I can't imagine that most women are going to try to cajole you into calling them ugly within the first few minutes of a date. So, the bullet you bit on this particular occasion may not be one you'll be asked (frankly and abruptly) to bite again.

My advice? If the woman's too fat, tell her that you prefer your women bigger. I mean, no matter how big this woman is, tell her you like a girl with more meat on her bones. It's unlikely that they'll hate you forever and ever for it.

If she's just ugly, don't tell her. Just say that you're still all f-cked up from your last relationship, and you're sorry that you didn't realize it before wasting her time with this date. Be very self-deprecating, but make clear that you're not as "ready" as you thought you were.

Lies are your friend, if you tell the right ones. Lie, lie, lie.
 MePlusTwo
Joined: 7/9/2008
Msg: 13
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How do you tell someone they're not attractive without offending?
Posted: 1/4/2009 10:04:37 PM
Well first off, I think you're asking the wrong question. It's not a case of telling someone they're not attractive. Because who says they're not? What you mean is, you are not attracted to them, which is not the same thing at all.

And I think you say just that. "I am very sorry, but I am just not attracted to you." And leave it at that.
 varinia
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 14
How do you tell someone they're not attractive without offending?
Posted: 1/4/2009 10:04:53 PM
That's a tough one. I think chaling it up to 'chemistry' is the best way to go. We all know that chemistry is not definable. It's this elusive quality that's either there or it isn't.

What I find unusual is her insistance of wanting to know why. That's normally a very masculine trait. I know I'm generalizing, but normally the left side of the brain (linear and structural thought) is more masculine and the right side (creativity and intuition) is more feminine. Of course we each have a certain does of each, but most women would not want to be told exactly what it is about us that doesn't appeal to a person that just rejected us.
 _Icon_
Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 15
How do you tell someone they're not attractive without offending?
Posted: 1/4/2009 10:05:16 PM
"I think you're very nice and fun to be around, but we just are not physically compatible."

If she bugs you after that, then give her the brutal truth. She is asking for it, after all.
 CutiepieHoneybunch
Joined: 11/27/2008
Msg: 16
How do you tell someone they're not attractive without offending?
Posted: 1/4/2009 10:08:15 PM
You did good. Don't indulge her request.

In the future, tell them... 'It was a nice evening, just didn't feel the spark I had hoped for, best of luck.' Leave it at that.
 ~Mo~
Joined: 2/25/2008
Msg: 17
How do you tell someone they're not attractive without offending?
Posted: 1/4/2009 10:13:46 PM
If she bugs you after that, then give her the brutal truth. She is asking for it, after all.




Believe me, I was close.
 silentsteel
Joined: 11/11/2008
Msg: 18
How do you tell someone they're not attractive without offending?
Posted: 1/4/2009 10:19:51 PM
Why are you setting up full day dates for your first meet? Keep them shorter.
 ~Mo~
Joined: 2/25/2008
Msg: 19
How do you tell someone they're not attractive without offending?
Posted: 1/4/2009 10:26:15 PM
Why are you setting up full day dates for your first meet? Keep them shorter.


OK, when I said the plan was to spend the rest of the day with her, I didn't mean the rest of 12 hours

It was just gonna be a few hours (probably at the most; 3)
 DebiSHB
Joined: 1/2/2007
Msg: 20
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How do you tell someone they're not attractive without offending?
Posted: 1/4/2009 10:28:26 PM
Simply say I'm not feeling any chemistry here.... You can't tell someone I'm just not attracted to you, or you're not attractive without being offensive...
 krystalle555
Joined: 4/11/2007
Msg: 21
How do you tell someone they're not attractive without offending?
Posted: 1/4/2009 10:56:13 PM
You can't. You politely said the attraction wasn't there, she pushed for a more elaborate answer, so you have the right to be blunt at that point.

I had an issue like that once. This guy insisted Indonesia was in the Middle East and we got into an argument about it. He later looked it up and apologized, claiming he thought I said "India, because that's in the Middle East". I said we wouldn't work out, he kept pushing me and asking why, why, why so I finally said he was an idiot. In more ways than one.

Since you claim she knew why but just wanted you to say it, means she already has a complex there and possibly wants proof so she can feel sorry for herself or something.
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