| The break up wasn't just about us, Now i am lost.
Posted: 1/4/2009 10:55:20 PM | My life is completely crashing down and i have no one to be by my side. To keep it as short as possible this is what is driving me into a dark place. I was in a six year relationship with the love of my life and no he didn't die or cheat it was much worse than that. However I was forced to let him go again and again over the last month and a half. So my brain and heart were more than just toyed with. Well lets take it from the start so you can get the whole picture. I was 16 depressed and a cutter and this wonderful man came into my life pulled me out of depression and got me on the radio path. I moved to be with him and go to radio school. Everyone was jealous of what looked like to be our perfect relationship and to be honest if you asked me a year and a half ago I wouldn't hesitate to say it was. Not to say we didn't have our problems but i always have these problems then to be without him.
Anyways he followed me well i pursued radio, and after a couple of years we decided it was getting me really no where and i gave up my career hoping to go down the path that would lead me to having a family. So we moved back to his home, parents and sister included and my love and our relationship slowly got ripped to pieces and i didn't help. His family hated me...his sister poisoned his parents minds against me. This along with the fact i gave up my career, couldn't get a decent job put me inot a depression. I literally lived 6 months just figuring out that his parents hated me. They would tell him but he wouldn't say anything to me but i eventually knew. I started to notice he was feeling a bit crummy to. His parents always sided with his sister and treated him like he was some stranger. Nevermind that we were living in the basement well his sister ran the upstairs like a bar. I could see that he was hurting but when i pushed him to talk again and again he just boxed everything up. I even wanted to talk to his parents but he asked me not to and this taking away of my voice put me into a funk that only affected him in the worse way. I always tried to leave because his parents were hard on him because of me. He always said don't go even when I tried to just give him a break. so I pulled myself out and got a job, that i was later let go of, just to get him out of the line of fire. I yelled so much because he just wasn't listening to me, and he just couldn't talk to me. Who could blame him he was in a very stressful spot. I knew if he didn't say something we were going to head for danger zone so I kept pushing and that made him worse and even come to resent me. He never ever told me when he was mad or upset with me. He just hid stuff...so i knew he was hurting but he never told me how much worse i was affecting it so nothing could be worked on, at least on my part. So basically the house pushed him into a place where he couldn't talk to me and in trying to push to make things better i just made them worse. I lost my job and eventually lost him.
Here comes the point of this letter and why I am having so much trouble living in my own mind. Instead of telling me how he was feeling over the last year and a half he said nothing...just one day he decided to leave me...but it gets way worse.
Here's what I wrote earlier trying to compress waht happened:I felt close to death because of the fact my boyfriend left me because he was unable to tell me he was hurting over things that happened at the house from all sides and I pushed to find out what so I could make things better. He still couldn't talk so he felt attacked and I didn't make it any better. Its hard to see the one you love hurting and telling you he doesn't know what to say when you know theres something. Plus what I found out later the reason he finally got the nerve to leave me was because he fell in love with a co worker who he felt he could talk to, and i forgive him for that becuase it got him somewhat talking to me.
Anyways...So he left me and I went to Flin Flon to give him space in his home to think. he jsut burried himself in video games,and the first night I was back in town he sucked me back in, I still wanted to be with him so how could I turn down thge sex and him holding me in his arms well we slept. (which didn't exist for years) Then he went to the lake to spend time with his family. When he came back he sucked me back in again, sex and total in love affection just to leave to his sisters. Hopefully this was going to give him the chance to think.
Then he seemed to make up funny reasons to see me.I saw now that he was now trying to talk and i had no reason to push just to show my love and be as supportive as possible. Then he told me he was leaning to be done with me completely and we would get together on the weekend to discuss stuff. Then he told me he loved me the next day after an hour long phone conversation. then wanted to go out for coffee after telling me that day he didn't want to see me. He kissed me that night and admitted to me he like the changes he saw in me and even went as far as saying something to his mother about it. Of course she told him not to go back with me. then the weekend came and he talked like he was going to stay for awhile and he slept with me again and again. Cuddled and made love to me everyday. then when i pushed to make him tell me whats going on because he seems to be dragging me around he decided to go back to his sisters. The easy way out for him. But his in ability to talk again caused problems. (for the record he use to be able to talk to me before the house). Then he told me to move on and he didn't want to give our relationship a chance. Having your loved one that you have been trying to push into talking for like a year about what happened at the house with everyone and us leave you, not once but again and again makes you feel like dying. If i knew what was going on sooner this would have never gotten this bad. Even though there were times i was going to leave in the past i kept seeing him because i kept hoping he wanted to talk and he was kinda trying at times. I loved him and i knew these problems were not all on us. We were not breaking up everyone was butting in again. So i can't let go, i just feel that this would be the wrong time to give up on the relationship considering the last year and a half was way more than most couple ever have to go through. I even went as far as booking a counselling session because he was treating me like he wanted to be with me and I feel if he wasn't hurting when he met co worker(who he became smitten with) we could be great together again as long as he communicated how he was feeling with me. but i also feel that his co worker finally got him to say something and that is good for him and hopefully he can use that to repair relations with his family. (since he never tells them anything)If i was able to get him to open his bottle up sooner at least the break up if it happened would have had closure. we had some problems but we were good before we came back and stayed at the house. Right now i am really confused and withdrawn like I am so very close to death. I love him and if not giving me a chance is good for him thats what i want for him even though it might really hurt me not knowing the true why. Thats why i am having problems letting go completely. I won't be around to get him talking anymore and i think thats what he wants so i am going to do my best to give it to him. Well thats the short version, and ad i forgot to mention he called christmas and new years as well ias came by to pick up some of his tuff and sucked me in again.
Help me though.....I have so many unanswered questions. | |
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| The break up wasn't just about us, Now i am lost.
Posted: 1/4/2009 11:42:31 PM | ok, you're not going to die, you'll get through this, sooo many relationships end with no explanations to help us move on, some you get years down the road, and some you never get explained to you, so you just gotta try and learn to deal with it on your own for the most part,
by what i got off from eading your post, is that you have always been really depressed,
ive dated someone who was in the same boat and trust me its A LOT to handle, it ends up brining you down, you loose yourself because you're constantly trying to pull them back into a better place,
i honestly think you need help from a doctor, get on the right track, get on meds, get your life together and just let go of him,
maybe when you get in a better place in your life, a few years down the road you guys can get back together,
honestly, broken hearts hurt like a ****, its even worse when you dont know why its happening or whatever,
but broken hearts just make you stronger, bad relationships help you learn for the next one,
you're only 22 hun, you got your whole life ahead of you! | |
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| The break up wasn't just about us, Now i am lost.
Posted: 1/5/2009 1:11:53 AM | You must address the issue of your depression, first and foremost, and when the depression starts to lift, then do make appointment with a health care proffessional.
Women and men communicate their feelings very differently. We can't force another to open up to us about their feelings. Often times we truly don't know what we are feeling until we have some turn around time.
The added pressure of your living arrangements, family dynamics, dysfunction, was not a healthy environment in order for your relationship to grow either.
I'm going to share a very painful story with you...
Last year this time, a young lady who was like a daughter to me, committed suicide. She was 21. She thought she was in love with a guy who by all appearances didn't respect her, or care at all for her feelings or her personhood. He was hedonistic beyond any human I have met to date.
She lost herself somewhere in all that crazy making, and without a word to any of us who did love her, drove to a lake in the middle of the night, parked her car and was found dead inside the next morning.
She was pregnant with his child, and the baby was gone too.
Do I think she was depressed? Can't say. I do know she was done. She lacked the most important thing we can give ourselves, respect and love for herself. I truly believe she felt at that moment in time she couldn't live without this guy in her life. He had moved on to greener pastures.
This guy she was so in love with, walks around town as if she never existed, not an ounce of feeling out of him, not then, not now. He carried on and she is gone forever.
Pretty permanent solution huh?
What I am saying is that wasn't the solution, and you have many better choices in how you deal with your pain and the dark place you are in. This is temporary. Believe that.
Please seek professional help with this. Stay close to friends and family while you're healing.
We are all here to learn our lessons, our lives are a gift. It is in our darkest hour that we must struggle to see the light. The light is always there.
Blessings to you, peace, joy and harmony.
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| The break up wasn't just about us, Now i am lost.
Posted: 1/5/2009 3:27:46 AM | | I read post like this before and I know it hurts. But if you think about your a strong person so get back into radio. Also I hate to point this out something hes over you but not the sex, no guy is over the sex, so if you keep giving him it he'll keep coming and doing the same stuff to you. So if you like feeling this way keep doing it if not stop and find someone else. | |
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| The break up wasn't just about us, Now i am lost.
Posted: 1/5/2009 7:32:06 AM | | He is not ready to give up the comfort of his family.....sounds as if he is not quite mature enough for a relationship. He also may be depressed. OP, what you wrote was a tough read, but maybe you should look for someone who is easy to talk with, not difficult. | |
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| The break up wasn't just about us, Now i am lost.
Posted: 1/5/2009 9:09:42 AM | Mel's rules to happiness.
Get a career (I didn't say job) so there is always food on the table and a roof over your head.
Find loving and supportive friends.
Treat everyone with love, understanding and kindess.
Remember each day that you are a incredible person deserving a fantastic life. | |
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| The break up wasn't just about us, Now i am lost.
Posted: 1/5/2009 6:57:31 PM | | I would listen to what a lot of the posters have said thus far. You really need to get in and see a doctor. Get counseling , if you need meds then take meds. Get the help you need. Also you have taken a lot of blame onto yourself. Now I don't know you or the situation. But by the sounds of it he is to blame for quite a bit himself. I would not suggest getting back together. It could only and probably would only stand to hurt you further. Now I know this isn't what you wanna hear right now, but you gotta be strong. You gotta get outside get some help(doctor/counseling) and move on with your life. Find a job go back to school and Don't allow yourself to be "sucked in" anymore. Depression blows believe me I know. But the day you start to fight it, will be the first day of the rest of your life. | |
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| The break up wasn't just about us, Now i am lost.
Posted: 1/6/2009 3:59:22 AM | I'm going to tell you right now, that you seemed to let sex lead a lot of it. If you seriously thought sex was his way of making up for being a loser towards you, and being so resentful and whiny and letting his parents control him, then you mroe or less deserved this.
Go back to him again, maybe he'll have sex with you and hold you again before he dumps you the next weekend. | |
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| The break up wasn't just about us, Now i am lost.
Posted: 1/7/2009 4:28:30 AM | I'd seek councelling (sp) and see how they can help you
BUT in the meantime do you think its wise to seek long term on here whilst you're in a dark place and still hung up on the ex?
Good luck with whatever you decide to do | |
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| The break up wasn't just about us, Now i am lost.
Posted: 1/7/2009 9:11:51 AM | The problem is your depression not your relationship.
Everyone gets into crappy relationships, financial binds, or nasty family squabbles but when you are in such a dark place you cannot expect another person or their family to bail you out or even understand all the time. As an adult you have to learn to take care of yourself your post sounds as if this yong man really careed about you and took care of you for a long time. You should be very happy for that time in your life. You really needed someone and he was there for you.
I know you are hurting right now but 6 years is so long to be with one person at the age of only 22. Are you getting therapy or seeing a doctor? You really need to get yourself some emotional support and help in order to move past this.
Until you take 100% responcibility for your health these type of things will continue to happen. Life soes not always work out for all of us. Jobs and people all come and go and you should be greatful that at one time you had a very loving caring man.
His sisters may have been b1tchy, and the parents might have disliked you but it was THEIR house and you were a guest. Two adults should not be living in the basement and disrupting the entire families life. I am sure the drama was very hard for the rest of the family. And his parents had to think about their children and them first.
You need to move onward and upward and realize this stage of your life has ended. | |
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| The break up wasn't just about us, Now i am lost.
Posted: 1/11/2009 2:34:42 PM | I have gotten help for my depression it takes a lot to push me into a really dark place. I was with this man for 6 years and i am positive of him because.....he is contacting me and i haven't been contacting him at all any more giving him space you would say. He calls or text to find a reason to see me. Doesn't help that i was recently in a car accident. He is looking at me with that look....and he still hasn't mentioned anything about dividing the stuff or even the bank account...which i find weird because he is so touchy with money. So I am doing my best to move on....but I know my heart belongs with him and I hope if he has doubts and can stand up to his family and come back to me.
In the meantime i don't know many people here and my family I can only have by phone.....but I am doing alright most of the time. There are days though when i just fall apart in confusion. | |
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| The break up wasn't just about us, Now i am lost.
Posted: 1/11/2009 2:39:58 PM | | Well the last time it happened I kept rejecting him but eventually caved.....but like i said it was more than sex before the last time...He was holding me in bed like he hasn't since the first year we were together. Anyways I told him he has a lot of soul searching to do and I wish i knew what was going on and hsi heaed....and he replied...I wish i did too. I have been not contacting him at all.....I have been waiting for him to contact me...I am not talking about us or anything....just letting him figure shit out for himself and if its me he wants i just hope no one stands in his way. Not like his family is buying his love and distracting him from thinking...but if that works i guess we never will. | |
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| The break up wasn't just about us, Now i am lost.
Posted: 1/11/2009 2:42:11 PM | | sorry wrote that letter in shambles...it is really a multiple letters combined. Family is important so thats why I was gonna let him go before....so that why I am doing it now. Even though it sucks. He used to always be able to say anything to me...untill we moved into that house. I just hope he can find love without his family butting in. | |
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| The break up wasn't just about us, Now i am lost.
Posted: 1/11/2009 2:44:49 PM | | Thanks...I do have my depression under controll and I am looking at just myself this time. I know this is not all my fault but you can fix yourself first right....admitting your mistakes makes you a better person in your next relationship. | |
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| The break up wasn't just about us, Now i am lost.
Posted: 1/11/2009 2:48:53 PM | | He wasn't a loser when i first met him......he was the most increbile, sensitive and caring individual ever. I knew in the first moth i would be with him for a long time...he used to do so many sweet things for me. But thanks you for making me feel like i am the better person in all this. | |
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| The break up wasn't just about us, Now i am lost.
Posted: 1/11/2009 2:53:39 PM | | I am right now.....not contacting him...and i never thought sex was the fix all....it was the fact that he held me everynight like we were in our first year again taht kept me holding on. So i am not contacting him and when he contacts me...no relationship talk at all....i am trying to keep it to texting as well. No sex unless he commits to me...and i know with his family that will be hard for him...so if he takes taht step...and tell the world he loves me then i know we could at least make sure the next breakup is because we don't work and then we can still be friends. | |
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| The break up wasn't just about us, Now i am lost.
Posted: 1/11/2009 2:56:28 PM | | I know who I am and I think thats what makes it the hardest. I am second to know one and I told him that. So as soon as he asks another women out,,,,,I will never be with him again. | |
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| The break up wasn't just about us, Now i am lost.
Posted: 1/11/2009 2:59:53 PM | | I am going to concellin always did...I find it makes you a better you. I am seeking long term because I don't do one night stands and seeking long term attracts better people and if nothing comes of it you always have a good friend. I am a relationship type of girl....just want friends first but ultimately I am looking to commit to someone. Thank you for your post. | |
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| The break up wasn't just about us, Now i am lost.
Posted: 1/11/2009 3:08:01 PM | | Well I knew moving there wasn't gonna be a good thing....and I did it because he wanted to. Just like I kept my mouth shut when he asked me to, he didn't want me to talk aso i didn't. His parents were retired andliving at the lake. I never was supper baddly depressed in all those years untill we moved into that house...and I have taken resposiblility about all my faults in the relationship, but i can only fix what i think is wrong with me...if he can't tell me whats bothering him I can't always figure it out on my own. I know his parents were doing it with good intentions but i hope he can find love again without his family ruining it for him.....I am sure they would love to pick his wife. Besides to poof not like me after 5 years of liking me still doesn't make much sense to me. | |
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