| How Do I Know He's Still Interested???
Posted: 1/5/2009 3:11:00 AM | Ok, so me and this guy actually met on POF while he was over in Iraq. The first time we met in person was in september on his leave, and he took me on a date, which was to the mall, dinner, and back to his place where we watched movies....nothing more happened. We spent time together a few more times before he left, and talked most of the time he was gone. Anyway, he's been back from deployment now since before thanksgiving, and we've been hanging out a lot. He says he enjoys my company, I absolutely love his family and made it a point to tell him that, which he seemed happy. and he's also told me he likes when i spend the night w/ him because having me there, to cuddle up to and hold helps him fall asleep. Off track really quick, he is just recently divorced because his wife cheated on him. yea, the whole army wife/unfaithful story. Anyway, I've told him that I "would" be good to him, and "for" him, I just want him to believe it, and to really trust me, which I believe he does. So, how should I know if he wants to be w/ me, or just keep me as a friend?? | |
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| How Do I Know He's Still Interested???
Posted: 1/5/2009 3:15:45 AM | | well....I have asked him about it. and he says he'd rather not talk about it just yet. i really dont think he's completely ready to be in another relationship....but, who knows...minds can change quickly these days | |
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| How Do I Know He's Still Interested???
Posted: 1/5/2009 3:18:57 AM | | ask? If he's shown you off to the parents and family then it has to be something but, on the other hand check and see if he is emotionally ready for a relationship. A divorce can be traumatic experience. | |
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| How Do I Know He's Still Interested???
Posted: 1/5/2009 3:21:41 AM | | true...thats why i've kinda backed off a bit, but we talked about some things last night. so it's ok. and yes, me, him, and his family have all spent time together...we all joke and laugh, and his now 13 year old sister loves me to death, and vice versa, shes a sweetheart. but, i'm always wondering if there will eventually be an "us" | |
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| How Do I Know He's Still Interested???
Posted: 1/5/2009 4:02:03 AM | Let's get to the "US" part as that seems to be the real question. You said he was just recently divorced. That would make you rebound relationship number one? If that is correct then the best and most truthful advice is GO SLOW and BE REALISTIC. He is NOT ready for a serious relationship now and the typical time is 1-2 years before that happens. The odds of success in first rebound relationships are about 1000 to 1 against especially if sex is involved. There is jut too much confusion. If you can remain a good friend and be patient then maybe in time it will evolve. While it may sound wrong, one of the best things you can actually do is to insist that he date others.
You sound really sweet and I do wish you the best. Just make sure your good intentions do not overcome a realistic view of the situation.
Steve | |
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| How Do I Know He's Still Interested???
Posted: 1/5/2009 7:25:47 AM | | your really young hun.i would not be involved with a guy who is in the military are just devorced.ask him what goes on over in irag with the beuatiful iragi women. | |
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| How Do I Know He's Still Interested???
Posted: 1/5/2009 7:39:19 AM | I have no idea. I don't know this guy. I am sorry, I wish I could help more.
Guys can only shed some light on why we do some of the weird stuff that we do.
We cannot tell you if a guy is interested in you, using you, just trying to F you, in it for the long term, cheating on you, or any other such questions because WE DON'T KNOW THE GUY NOR DO WE KNOW YOU.
The above is capped in case there are any ladies reading this thread thinking about posting one of their own in the future. | |
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| How Do I Know He's Still Interested???
Posted: 1/5/2009 5:53:22 PM | Folks have pointed out some of the red flags, which is almost a shame. Wouldn't it be more fair if the red flags were pointed out by this guy's actual behavior and statements, rather than by his falling into some statistical slot, like recently back from a stressful situation, recently divorced, therefore he's a categorical risk.
Wouldn't it be fair to him to take him on his own terms? Wouldn't it be fairer to you? We all know 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce. Still, we're kind of duty-bound to put our best feet forward, I think.
All that said, it seems the time factor is fairly critical -- that and a real long list of unknowns, like how do you get closer to this guy. Many of us like to cuddle or burn up some sexual energy to fall asleep, but it seems a singular item here, given he's just come back from a war zone.
I get the "feeling" he isn't too open. Maybe I'm wrong. I felt that, though you didn't quite say it.
Behind all that, I think you've done the best you can. The strongest message you sent him was the consistency of staying in touch while he was away. If that isn't a show of trust, I'm not sure what is.
Similarly, the non-verbal of his introducing you to his family is a sign of trust, especially given his recent divorce.
I'm not going to go along guessing what the answer to his mindset is ... but it seems useful to point out that the behavior and the words need to be consistent for trust to develop further -- his and yours.
With that in mind, I would very quickly take off the part of your profile that says you're looking for a man. This guy's hackles and howls are already flying high in the distrust department -- someone cheating on you is not easily forgotten; and a spouse cheating is really a low blow. I wouldn't doubt if he'd react poorly to seeing that on your profile. | |
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| How Do I Know He's Still Interested???
Posted: 1/5/2009 6:23:08 PM | Says the Master's Degree:
ask him what goes on over in irag with the beuatiful iragi women.
Military Personnel are highly "discouraged" (UCMJ) from maintaining
personal relationships with Iraqi female civilian personnel. Need I remind you that they still
"stone" people to death over there?
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OP, just recognize that he's going from a failed marriage (regardless of fault) to
having a relationship with you. I wouldn't be in a hurry to put on the full court
press and would just take things slowly at this point. Good Luck! | |
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| How Do I Know He's Still Interested???
Posted: 1/5/2009 6:27:24 PM | Recently divorced? Hmm .../ Be gentle OP~ especially if he is in the military recently deployed back home. Ask him directly but keep in mind, he may be wounded in more ways than one. This whole scenario does screw with the brain. Give him understanding and kindness to the best of your ability. If you deem him worthy. He needs comfort and not too much pressure~ IMO. Good luck OP.  | |
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| How Do I Know He's Still Interested???
Posted: 1/5/2009 7:19:54 PM | If he doesn't want to talk about it, he's not interested or ready. There's no sense wasting your time with the waiting game.
Move on. | |
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| How Do I Know He's Still Interested???
Posted: 1/5/2009 10:15:39 PM | OP,
I have to agree with the poster above who said that you are still very young, nineteen.
You should be very careful about getting involved with someone in the military, after a divorce etc...
I still remember when I was in love at 19, and yeah at the time it was very serious and it really hurt. But now I am really glad that nothing happened!!
Give yourself a few years, e.g. until 22, you will be a stronger girl then!  | |
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| How Do I Know He's Still Interested???
Posted: 1/6/2009 12:05:12 AM | | well....lets see, to reply to everyone's post. yes, i may be only 19, and as you all say...."young", but i AM a woman that knows what i want, doesn't lie or play games w/ anyone because i wouldn't want it done to me, and has very good judgement whether anyone may beleive it or not, it's true. but, yes, he is somewhat of the strong silent type...he's "almost" the type that shows how he feels rather than saying it, but hell, with me, i need somewhat of communication, so therefore i know whether or not i am wasting my time, and whether or not this so called "relationship" will proceed to anything more. but, who knows, i'm just letting things work themselves out, because if you chase something for so long trying to find it, you'll never see it...and the minute you just sit back and stop searching, it'll come easily...thats how its always happened to me, so thats exactly what i'm going to do, is just sit back, give him his space, have mine, of course stay in contact and let him know of these things....but, just let him know that if and when he's ready to be in a relationship, or just stay friends, to let me know because he's a major sweetheart. anyway, thank you to all who have given me my advice.... | |
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| How Do I Know He's Still Interested???
Posted: 1/6/2009 1:11:12 AM | let me lay it down for you ,,,, you are giving him all a woman can ,, u hang out u listen to him you cuddle with him to feel safe ,, (maybe sex too you didnt mention it though) and usually these things are reserved to the GF to do if you are giving him all this and asking for nothing in return ,why should he try and give you . pull back and be JUST FRIENDS . meaning dont cuddle dont hang out with his family dont sleep over or with him . I have female friends and i dont cuddle with them nor sleep . and their convo with my parents do not exceed the common courtesy.
in a nut shell show him if he wants all that stuff from you he gotta commit or get out | |
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| How Do I Know He's Still Interested???
Posted: 1/6/2009 3:15:17 AM | Heheh....he's in the army...and you call him a "major sweetheart...."
Well, if there is a relationship, you have a pet name for him. Major Sweetheart. It would fit indeed.
Anyway...
I can relate to you in a sense, as I'm young and often get thought of as naive or what have you because of this, but like me, you're really in tune with how your heart works, something people twice our age have problems with.
You're doing the right thing so far, but just make sure he knows you care, and that you do want to be with him. Don't sit it out completely, as that may give him the wrong message.
And make sure he knows the difference between what he'd get with a friendship and what he'd get with a relationship, if you get my meaning. I'm not saying sleep with him. I'm saying that when people say "I'll always be there for you, no matter what you choose," the person they say that to thinks that no matter what, it's a safe bet because you'll always be there in your entirety (I think I invented a new word).
So make sure he knows the difference, then let him decide. | |
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| How Do I Know He's Still Interested???
Posted: 1/6/2009 7:17:00 AM | OP....Was he already divorced in Sept when the two of you actually met? If so, he's also a cheater-something to keep in mind.
You didn't mention how old he was but we know you're 19. Some men mature faster than others, especially military men serving in a war zone. Despite what others may say about 'young love', it does work out sometimes. I'm not sure what the stats are on married people under the age of 22 versus married people in general getting divorced, but with the divorce rate at 50% or more, can it be much worse? I was 17 when I met my hubby, he was 22. We moved in together a month after my 18th b-day, 2 months after HS graduation. We made it till he died....So it is possible.
However, given the fact that he's recently divorced and just back from a war zone, I'd be very leery about getting any more emotionally involved with him. He's got a lot of adjustments to make. It sounds like he values your friendship and the comfort you provide. You mention 'hanging-out'. Do you guys go out on 'dates', or is it just hanging home, maybe watching a movie & then having sex? He could be using you (unintentionally) as a means to soothe his wounded soul. I think only time will tell.
I think the worst thing you can do is give him ultimatums but at the same time, you might want to think about the sex factor. If there is no commitment, he's free to have sex with others (as you are). If you can live with that...fine. But if you're like most women, the more you're intimate with someone that you care about, the more emotionally involved you become.
I think the best thing you can do is talk with him. Maybe bring up the 'exclusive' thing and see how he reacts. That might give you some idea of where you stand with him, if he is usually unable to open up. If he doesn't see you two becoming exclusive, then simply ask him what you are to him? Try to be direct in your questions, not hint around the bush.
HR  | |
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| How Do I Know He's Still Interested???
Posted: 1/6/2009 2:23:17 PM | Ok, an answer like this is truly disturbing. I've been over there twice for a total of 30 months and spent pretty much every day of that time out in the streets and never heard or saw anything to even promote such an accusation.
That being said, I've been in such a situation although only engaged not married but that was a 5 year relationship. And I have to admit, settling right back down wasn't in the cards for me, or for anyone else I knew that had similar situations. I think it best to describe it as... it was pleasant to have that last call, that someone I knew would be there. Most guys in the military are extremely emotionally unstable as it is... I was for a while as well. I think your best bet is to take things a little slower... hopefully spending the night together wasn't a right away thing because you almost certainly blew any real chance of it turning out well in the end. But if you're committed and sure that he is what you want, just slow down and try to nurture this thing and be patient. | |
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| How Do I Know He's Still Interested???
Posted: 1/6/2009 9:29:09 PM | | I think if a guy is peeking through your window. Laying under your bed at night. Buying you flowers and putting them on your new boyfriends car to show him that you are his. Then he probably is still interested. | |
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