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| | Why So Long????Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | People who try to push others into responding or moving faster, don't you guys realize what a turn off that is?
After corresponding for a couple of days, this guy sent me a message and the first line asked me, Why So Long?
He went on to make some strange remarks about not being perfect but not being like "them" and being far from pretentious and only wanting to date people who are like him.
Thing is, it was only two days since our last email, January 1st, when I emailed him to say Happy New Years. He had offered me his number the day before and asked if I wanted to call him or if I was okay with emailing back and forth. I had said that he caught me off guard because I was okay with the emailing for now and hadn't thought about exchanging numbers yet. He said that was fine but soon he'd like to hear my voice. I said sure, I understood. Then two days later, Why so long?
Really his "why so long" message was a complete turn off. He wanted more from me and tried to push the issue, and there's one thing I don't like is a pushy guy.
I mean it would have been different if he said, Hey, missed hearing from you or something like that, but instead he seemed to get very defensive. When I asked him, he was evasive and accused me having worked in the legal system too long.
Anyone else have trouble with pushy POFers? | |
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| Why So Long????
Posted: 1/6/2009 11:03:39 AM |
Anyone else have trouble with pushy POFers?
Not yet....but then again, I'm not looking to date yet.
Just a thought ameerra, had there been any kind of pattern established with this guy? If you/he were corresponding daily or so, and then 'something' changed, that may have been what he picked up on and why he asked what he did. If not, then I agree.....pushy, anxious, excited, desperate....something.
~ds~ | |
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| Why So Long????
Posted: 1/6/2009 11:10:03 AM | | I guess everyone has their time frame...some respond right away and some take a day to process stuff..I guess it is safer to assume the latter than the former. That way there is no pressure. Maybe one person has the day off and has time to sit and respond right away and the other one is just home from work for lunch and only has 10 minutes...ya know? | |
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| Why So Long????
Posted: 1/6/2009 11:47:17 AM | More than once.
It seems an exchange of a few emails or one or two dates= committed relationship to some. | |
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| Why So Long????
Posted: 1/6/2009 11:58:52 AM |
I mean it would have been different if he said, Hey, missed hearing from you or something like that, but instead he seemed to get very defensive.
To me it seems to be more like two different levels of intelligence.
One is more polished then the other, that's all. The defensiveness is more of an ignorance issue. He didn't know how to reply to your questions.
Look at the positive side of it. It only took 6 days to see that things aren't going to connect. Plenty of time saved! | |
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| Why So Long????
Posted: 1/6/2009 12:01:58 PM | On-line dating breeds paranoia. Why? Because he was off checking other women's profiles in the same time that he didn't hear from you. So clearly (in his mind) you must have been doing the same and have gone off him.
Onward and upward, my friend. | |
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| Why So Long????
Posted: 1/6/2009 12:06:59 PM | Yup,
Had a woman contact me and by the second message was telling me "Look...I don't have the time to just message so we either meet or we do not."
I chose not to.
By the same token, I messaged a woman who just joined since she was in my area.
Within two days she "met someone" and whoosh, was gone.
I suppose I can see both sides as long as no one is rude. | |
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| Why So Long????
Posted: 1/6/2009 12:09:41 PM | | ammeerra: Well, at least now you know where he stands, right, as far as needing constant attention? Seems rather illuminating to me. If you don't require constant communication with your partner, maybe this remark on his part means he's clingier than you and this is a deal-breaker-! Communication frequency and style is one of many compatibilities that needs to be agreed upon. | |
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| Why So Long????
Posted: 1/6/2009 12:13:34 PM | "Anyone else have trouble with pushy POFers?"
Yeah. Myself.
It happens when anxiousness turns the corner and then ...
whoa. stop. back off. wait.
To this day I battle with over-eagerness, but I've actually learned to stop. back off. wait.
And catch my breath. | |
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| Why So Long????
Posted: 1/6/2009 12:36:36 PM | ^^^^Hey that's actually quite refreshingly honest!!! We can't change what we don't acknowledge right, so you've won half the battle.
Just a thought ameerra, had there been any kind of pattern established with this guy? If you/he were corresponding daily or so, and then 'something' changed, that may have been what he picked up on and why he asked what he did
I actually did the "check correspondence" thing and there were quite a few back and forth emails on the 31st - New Years Eve, with correspondence starting on the 23rd. Now he doesn't live near me, so it wasn't like I could say, hey, let's grab a cup of coffee and see where this is going. He's about two-three hours away.
The defensiveness is more of an ignorance issue. He didn't know how to reply to your questions.
Well, I always like honesty. Like, I don't know how to respond to your question - LOL!!! I mean, he said a lot that I haven't put in here. He asked if I was a Chess player because I could be one. He asked was it something he said. And then in response said he thought he scared me away by giving me his number.
We had already spoken about him giving me his number and he pretended to be okay with what I said, which is that I hadn't thought of exchanging numbers yet and was okay with emailing for now.
I mean geeze-Louise, I was still deciding if I liked him or not. I would have rather he just ask me, We've been exchanging a few emails, I'm wondering if you're interested in going further because I didn't hear from you . . . " or something to that effect than get all cryptic and negative on me.
Fact of the matter is from the 1st to the 3rd, I wasn't even around to answer emails.
Seems to me like a case of POF OCD or something.
I had another guy after a few emails ask me, why are you being stingy with us
US????  I don't know about you guys, but a few emails and some pretty compliments don't make me feel like I'm in a relationship and it certainly doesn't make me feel like I'm obligated to move forward onto the next level. And the worst thing to do is ACT like I am!
Funny thing, though, when a guy does not do this, meaning when he's laid back, then I feel comfortable enough to say Hey, let's catch or movie or this emailing back and forth is a drag, let me call you instead
I guess patience really is a virtue! | |
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| Why So Long????
Posted: 1/6/2009 12:40:11 PM | | I have yet to have this problem, I personaly like to take my time & get to know someone, too many weirdos out there to just jump into something. | |
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| Why So Long????
Posted: 1/6/2009 12:47:22 PM |
Had a woman contact me and by the second message was telling me "Look...I don't have the time to just message so we either meet or we do not."
Well, I'm not getting any younger. I got places to be and people to do.  | |
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| Why So Long????
Posted: 1/6/2009 12:51:31 PM | Maybe that's a good gauge on whether you'd connect or not? Maybe you's also find that you have different approaches for other things in life.
Personally, I tend to follow my intuition and act very quickly, whether it's about meeting someone or not wanting to correspond with him, whether I'll do a business deal or not. And I have somewhat of a high risk-threshold. I like the intensity. Someone that's very slow with email responses or meeting would probably not go well with my style. I'm a doer and matching up with someone that's not doesn't work well.
Same with someone that likes to take their time. They're probably better off with a less intense person. So, maybe it's better if you find out at the beginning | |
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| Why So Long????
Posted: 1/6/2009 1:45:10 PM | Personally, I tend to follow my intuition and act very quickly, whether it's about meeting someone or not wanting to correspond with him, whether I'll do a business deal or not. And I have somewhat of a high risk-threshold. I like the intensity. Someone that's very slow with email responses or meeting would probably not go well with my style. I'm a doer and matching up with someone that's not doesn't work well.
I'm a doer as well. And I like intensity as much as anyone. However the one thing I don't want to play high-risk games with is myself and my children. Therefore, when doing ONLINE dating, I take my time and respond when I am ready. | |
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| Why So Long????
Posted: 1/6/2009 1:48:37 PM | I have been a pushy POFer on occasion.
I wasn't trying to rush anyone into a relationship.
I just wanted to get out of the damn house with someone of the male persuasion.
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| Why So Long????
Posted: 1/6/2009 8:27:29 PM | Actually i have had that same thing happen. Many Many times. They seem to think that if you wont talk on the phone after a couple days then you aren't worth chatting with at all.
and i have found those same guys also will want to rush into having sex right away.
i have had guys say that they want to sleep with me after a couple dates or even on the first date cause if the sex isn't good then why waste our time on trying to build a relationship and they want to find out out right now before they waste their time any longer.
Those are the men i say.. ah well then GOOD BYE and good riddance.
if the guy cant chat with me on line long enough for me to feel comfortable giving out my phone number then he isn't worth MY time. | |
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| Why So Long????
Posted: 1/6/2009 8:30:57 PM |
if the guy cant chat with me on line long enough for me to feel comfortable giving out my phone number then he isn't worth MY time.
I'm right there with you. I bet I'll get some posters calling me a prude, but I'm not calling or giving out my number to anyone until I feel safe and until I'm interested. And the worst thing to do is push the issue. Spare me the IGDs (instant gratification dudes.)
And besides, if a guy is really into any woman, I feel, he'll do whatever it is makes her happy and comfortable. He won't be trying to force her to do anything. A confident man is confident enough to wait. | |
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| Why So Long????
Posted: 1/6/2009 8:38:05 PM |
Had a woman contact me and by the second message was telling me "Look...I don't have the time to just message so we either meet or we do not."
Wowzie! That could have been me (it wasn't). An email or two, a phone call or two, and I'm ready to meet. Nothing long, drawn out, or expensive. I just don't want to waste a month and then find out there is nothing there for us.
So, I guess I could be considered a pushy fish. | |
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| Why So Long????
Posted: 1/6/2009 11:02:46 PM | Email is kind of immediate for a lot of people - I don't really get people who read a message and then wait two days to reply. I'm on the internet all day - I work on computers. I answer all my email several times a day.
See, but that's you. I'm a freelancer. When I'm in the field, I am no where near a computer -- I can't even answer my phone. So I'll be off-line for hours.
Its worse on POF because you can tell when they read it. If they read it, but don't answer it that day - it seems likely that they won't answer at all, to me anyway.
Sometimes I check in, read an email and decide to answer later because I want to give it my full attention.
Just sharing perspective.
I hear you! It's just a mistake to think that we all have the same schedule and perspective. I often want to ask these over-eager POFers, what if someone DIED? What if there was an emergency?!?!?!?
It's just crazy, at least to me, to think that everyone is just sitting around a computer all day long and that things don't come up. Everyone is NOT. And things do come up.
OTOH, what is the point of waiting so long - its an hour of your time and a couple bucks for a beverage to maybe get a line on a really great person. Seriously, 2-3 emails and its coffee time or I'm on to the next. I hate indecisive people.
In my case, it had nothing to do with indecisiveness -- I just hadn't made the decision yet, part of it being that he was three hours away in another state and I don't usually do long distance relationships.
My initial thoughts were what's the point of talking on the phone and getting to like him more and more, and then he's three hours away. I have two kids who need me around. I don't have the time or inclination to have a long distance boyfriend.
Had he been patient, he might have convinced me he was worth it. Instead he convinced me of the opposite. | |
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| Why So Long????
Posted: 1/6/2009 11:04:26 PM | ameera:
'm right there with you. I bet I'll get some posters calling me a prude, but I'm not calling or giving out my number to anyone until I feel safe and until I'm interested. And the worst thing to do is push the issue. Spare me the IGDs (instant gratification dudes.)
I think OP, each one of us have different way of dating, responding...there isn't any rule. The fact is that some of the men have responded to you rudely, or in less classy manners, - dismiss them, who needs this? Nobody.
I don' require ten e-mails, personally to think/decide if I possible sense some potential or as you put it 'if you are interested'. So, if you need to do a lot of e-mails back and forth to make a decision, if you want to go forward, then you need to attract 'slow' kind a fish, who thinks the same way you do, so you are compatible in this department.
I have figured one thing in online dating, I sense a potential early on. If you don't feel comfortable enough to chat on the phone after a week or two, then I would reconsider this type of dating, maybe 'online dating' is not for you. I am not saying it is or it isn't...but something to think about, as I have learned it isn't everybody's cup of tea.
I am quite intense fish, passionate, I need a man who can return the ball to my court. Otherwise, off to the next fish. A slooooow, thing just wouldn't be for me. Once I meet them, I need two minutes to decide if there is further potential, meaning do I want to see them again. But I know early on, if there is an interest on my and his side or not. Again, it wouldn't take me x-numbers of dates to decided if I want to keep seeing them, cause if I don't know after one date, I am most likely not interested at all! I don't develop chemistry in time. It either is there or not.
It is very similar to early e-mails contact on POF. But, if someone appears very straightforward and to the point 'common, what' going on' .... I would let the fish back to the sea. | |
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| Why So Long????
Posted: 1/6/2009 11:10:55 PM |
My initial thoughts were what's the point of talking on the phone and getting to like him more and more, and then he's three hours away. I have two kids who need me around. I don't have the time or inclination to have a long distance boyfriend.
...there ya go, sister....you have answered yourself a question. He isn't really what you are looking for, hence hesitation...he feels it, and wanna know.
I agree with ya, I don't have kids, I am very busy in my life, (work, passions, other commitments) and I still would not think of long distance 'thing'...and how exactly does this work??? the long distance. I have zero patience for it, because I have done it in the past.
So, there goes your answer...you shouldn't let this fish hang on your hook, release it back to the sea. It's common courtesy to letting them know where you stand. Otherwise you keep them on a hook, waiting... and wondering why they are coming back to nag...it is your own fault. Let it go, if you can't decide...most likely they are not meant for you. LG | |
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| Why So Long????
Posted: 1/7/2009 1:25:22 PM |
I think OP, each one of us have different way of dating, responding...there isn't any rule.
I agree!
The fact is that some of the men have responded to you rudely, or in less classy manners, - dismiss them, who needs this? Nobody.
I agree again!!
I don' require ten e-mails, personally to think/decide if I possible sense some potential or as you put it 'if you are interested'. So, if you need to do a lot of e-mails back and forth to make a decision, if you want to go forward, then you need to attract 'slow' kind a fish, who thinks the same way you do, so you are compatible in this department.
Well, here's the thing -- I don't need ten emails -- there's no rule for me either, but I don't want to be rushed. Some people we click, and it's instantaneous, for others it takes more time. There's no science or rule or magic number. And I think people who are pushy don't realize that everyone is different, and people react to the behavior of others.
So while I might be ready to go with someone who is confident and laid back, another person who is insecure and pushy might make me lay back in the cut, so to speak.
I have figured one thing in online dating, I sense a potential early on. If you don't feel comfortable enough to chat on the phone after a week or two, then I would reconsider this type of dating, maybe 'online dating' is not for you. I am not saying it is or it isn't...but something to think about, as I have learned it isn't everybody's cup of tea.
Yes, but what you've figure out only applies to you. Actually, I pretty much sense potentional early on in real life, but on line, which is really the worst way to communicate -- so much is missing -- doesn't it make sense that it would take longer to determine interest?
I makes sense to me.
He isn't really what you are looking for, hence hesitation...he feels it, and wanna know.
So, there goes your answer...you shouldn't let this fish hang on your hook, release it back to the sea. It's common courtesy to letting them know where you stand. Otherwise you keep them on a hook, waiting... and wondering why they are coming back to nag...it is your own fault. Let it go, if you can't decide...most likely they are not meant for you. LG
Oh, no I can't take responsibility for this. I hardly consider two days keeping someone waiting and wondering, that's number one.
Number two, he didn't ASK ME -- he sent me an accusatory email asking me why so long, am I a chess player, stating he wasn't a pretentious and didn't want to be anyone who wasn't like him -- so he didn't ask me.
I was still considering where this time I might consider a long distance relationship (I've never had one) initially I'd say hell, no -- but I never say never.
So all you pushy POFers, when you do this, you don't know what's in the other person's mind and you might just blow a good thing. | |
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| Why So Long????
Posted: 1/7/2009 1:34:52 PM |
So all you pushy POFers, when you do this, you don't know what's in the other person's mind and you might just blow a good thing
Nope, I don't know what's in their mind, but they know what's in mine, 'cuz I tell 'em. In the first couple of emails, I let them know I don't do the internet, dating site infatuation thing. If they don't feel comfortable meeting me fairly quickly, then we are not compatible, so I'm not in much danger of blowing a good thing.
In your profile, you might put a disclaimer that if they send an email, not to expect a quick reply. I've read that on quite a few profiles and it might help solve the problem for you. | |
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| Why So Long????
Posted: 1/7/2009 1:37:14 PM | | OP, focusing on what you do not want, just gets in the way of what you do want. | |
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