| in love with alcoholic
Posted: 1/8/2009 3:15:20 PM | Ive been seeing on and off for 4 yrs , lived with briefly twice, and and still have feeling for an alcoholic. Hard to explain other than a very strong "soul mate' experience.
When he's well and employed it was wonderful, but the length of time being employed has gotten gradulally shorter. He has never worked at one job - good jobs- longer than 4 months since i have known him. He is presently living -again -with his parents(he's 46) but they are moving in 2 weeks and he has no job and no where to live after they move away. He has already pressured me to let him come here and I said no. He got angry. When drinking or when getting close to a bender he gets very nasty, yelling, calling me awful names, blocking me from leaving, screaming while I drive (he already lost his liscense on his 3rd DUI- 10 years). (in the past he was physical but not for the last 2 years)Claims I provoke it and I expect sometimes I do. I am not blameless. But each time after hes so apologetic, and begs me to not give up on "us". I have 2 sons who really like /love him alot too. (their own dad isnt very involved).
Its so sad, when this man is healthy hes attractive, almost brilliant, athletic, great personality, No one would ever imagine how he can be.
I have tried breaking it off many times, usually I give in as i feel towards him like he's become family and I have no family in this country. I also am scared because he says he gets suicidal now when he drinks and depressed and doesnt want to live without us.
I know I want to move on with my life . I want to meet someone healthy and move ahead . I would go for professional advice but I cannot afford the counsellor fees.
How do I handle this properly?
Just because I don't see us as a couple anymore doesnt mean I dont still care what happens to him but when I keep attempting to say this he won't accept it or says fine you'll never hear from me again and I feel guilty he might try to kill himself. | |
|
| in love with alcoholic
Posted: 1/8/2009 3:21:38 PM | | I'd suggest for him to get help and get his life in order. If you don't want to be with him then tell him that and tell him your reasons why. | |
|
| in love with alcoholic
Posted: 1/8/2009 3:22:36 PM | ...I keep attempting to say this he won't accept it or says fine you'll never hear from me again and I feel guilty he might try to kill himself....
Other people will do what they want to, you are not responsible for their actions (exceptions: your own children)
If he kills himself them your problem is solved. | |
|
| in love with alcoholic
Posted: 1/8/2009 3:26:55 PM | Dont play his game, you either cut bait or put up with it, if this guy was going to harm him self I think he would of done it already, the fact he's living with his parents even though they are moving is the parents problem not yours.
People like him tend to manipulate and you are falling for it every time, you cant help someone who doesn't want to be helped, feeling guilty for what?
You will never meet someone healthy if you continue on the path you're on, how can you ?as soon as you find that person and he find out he will do everything to sabotage it, you're better to change your number, mail him a counselors card and move on. | |
|
| in love with alcoholic
Posted: 1/8/2009 3:27:41 PM | The more you help him the longer you help him to prolong his own suffering before he gets off his rear and helps himself.
You are not responsible for his behavior, so don't buy into the suicide thing. One of my brothe's girlfriend held him hostage for a couple of years with that.
Would you recommend to any of your friends that they do anything but tell this man he is 46, he needs to stand on his own two feet or move with his parents. Doesn't sound like he has anything but you to lose, they have booze wherever the Ps are moving.
Remember that you are worth more than you have been giving yourself. | |
|
| in love with alcoholic
Posted: 1/8/2009 3:28:18 PM |
(in the past he was physical but not for the last 2 years)Claims I provoke it and I expect sometimes I do. I am not blameless. But each time after hes so apologetic, and begs me to not give up on "us". I have 2 sons who really like /love him alot too. (their own dad isnt very involved).
This is a mantra for the abused.. 'I provoked him'.... "I am not blameless".
There is never a reason to accept blame for someone hurting you physically, NEVER. A dispute should never ever arise to someone physically hurting the other and for him hurting you .. you are blameless. Please never think of yourself as asking for physical abuse because of anything you say to your man.
The apology from him is the next usual step.. followed by a reason as to why 'you made me do it'. Using guilt and threatening to commit suicide is all part of the pattern of the abuser to control you.
Don't ever accept that. Your kids could be next on his abuse list.
You need to get some counselling from this situation. You've clearly been emotionally and physically abused and need to get out of this cycle.
He needs help too.. big time. But that's up to him, you can't make him...
Do you have a domestic violence hotline ? Call them and talk to them. They will have all the resources you need to get back to healing. | |
|
| in love with alcoholic
Posted: 1/8/2009 3:37:05 PM | | You're not going to fix him, and sticking around the way you are is only making it worse. Until you cut him off, he's going to keep dragging you along with him. I know that you think that somehow, if you just stick it out, he'll change and he'll be that good person 24/7... but he won't, and you're just lying to yourself, and hurting your children, by subjecting yourself to this man's immature and irrational behavior over and over again. | |
|
| in love with alcoholic
Posted: 1/8/2009 3:48:26 PM | If you didn't have kids I'd say do whatever amuses you...some people get a pet...others?...
But you have kids? What the hell are you thinking woman? | |
|
| in love with alcoholic
Posted: 1/8/2009 3:58:32 PM |
I would go for professional advice but I cannot afford the counsellor fees. 2dolphins: Ala-non is free.. google it for a chapter near you.. It is for friends/family/spouses of the alcoholic.. they all know how you feel and they have all been there/done that so they don't judge. Try it, it may not be for you, but I suspect the support they will provide will be like a weight lifted off your shoulders.
Your 'man' will never change until he himself gets help with his drinking.. Suggest to him that he go to Alcoholics Anonomous. Tell him when he can always be the "healthy, attractive, almost brilliant, athletic, great guy" ALL the time..you'd be happy to have him in your life. If he won't go, then wash your hands of him and his abusive ways because it will only get worse. KNOW that you are not the cause of his behaviour. However; by taking him in time and again, you are enabling him to continue all his bad habits.. don't do it anymore...
Threatening suicide is a classic and manipulative behaviour of the alcoholic.. seldom do they follow through intentionally. They are killing themselves daily with the alcohol abuse anyways.. maybe you should point that out to him next time he threatens???
Do you really want your children growing up in the kind of disfunction you've described? Even to be half-a$$ed considering envolving your children in this roller coaster ride is a symptom of co-dependency ~ Al-Anon will help you with this as well.
Be brave ~ Google Ala-Non (or Alanon) now.
 and best wishes.
P.S. Whoever voted to have this post deleted as a "pity post" pfft.. This woman is looking for help and advice.. give her a break! | |
|
| was in love with alcoholic
Posted: 1/8/2009 4:11:15 PM | I should have titled this "was in love"...
I know that for a while now it has been a close feeling but not the kind of love it once was and that it ncan never be. Somehow I think I wanted to find a way to stay in touch as friends but not be a couple but I can see at this point that won't be possible as even the idea of that upsets him too much.
How could I with kids? thats a big reason why i did ...they love being with him, can talk to him, learnt sports from him, learnt discipline from him, as i said its unreal how "together " he can be when well. But he is a binge drinker...
I have been to Alanon in the past - I will try that again for support.
He has been to AA on and off for years, at one point he had a sponser but finally the sponsor gave up on him. He has been to both inpatient and outpatient programs, and now just 2 months ago started on a medication, Revia, but at 51 days sobriety drank again . Minimizes that by saying it was onnly for one day and drank just less than one bottle of vodka!
I know my sons will be hurt when I say Icant even see him anymore as a friend. But i need to pick up the guts and just do it!
Thanks everyone here for encouraging me to act. | |
|
| |
| in love with alcoholic
Posted: 1/8/2009 4:26:30 PM | I would say run as fast as you can dear! I dated someone 5 years ago who was a recovering alcoholic as well. Although he was never abusive & was extremely loving & caring I knew deep down it could never work.
My ex was intelligent, handsome, sweet, sincere, and I thought my soul-mate at one point almost.
I do miss him but not the drama. It will never change & only get worse.
Him being abusive towards you also worries me. Do you want to subject yourself to that behavior ? DO you want to subject your sons to that ?
I tried being " friends" with my ex for over a year and that just made it worse.
Make a clean break, he won't kill himself ( mine theatened the same thing).
Do it for yourself you deserve the best.
A co-dependent relationship is NOT healthy!
Good luck to you | |
|
| in love with alcoholic
Posted: 1/8/2009 4:27:08 PM | First, it appears that there's a big difference in how you feel about his; specifically, you love him, but you are not "in love" with him.
Caring for this man and his well-being is one thing, but enabling him is another, at your expense (and I don't mean monetary expense.) His parents have also helped to enable him. I'm not judging anyone here. I do know from my own experience, what enabling feels like, looks like, sounds like, and how seriously devastating and damaging it is (the opposite of what was intended by caring.) It's difficult to stop being an enabler because you do care. But, it has to stop, to help.
He needs help. He's the only one who will be able to achieve even a modicum of success and then that's based on if he's hit rock bottom and is willing/wanting to change his life around. You cannot make any decisions for him. He's the one that's going to have to do it. At some point, you will have to come to the realization that you can have love for this man, but you will not love him to death. Hard as that may be. Make yourself a list of what you will do for him and what you will absolutely not do for him. Both sides of this list should be directly connected to his personal progress towards sobriety without your enabling behaviors.
Hang in there. Maybe join Al-Anon or some other group that can help support you through your own choices; thus ultimately helping him. Best of luck dear. | |
|
| in love with alcoholic
Posted: 1/8/2009 4:37:14 PM | ......................................................................................................................................
I would Absolutely do as one poster suggested - find an Alanon group near you - they are Everywhere. Google, phone book, local police would know, an AA group would know .. but do go to Alanon and talk to someone there.
Also - if he is threatening suicide, don't take responsibility for it in any way. I haven't checked your profile, so don't know where you live OP, but I do know that where I live if I call the local police and tell them someone is threatening suicide - they respond. Suicide is Not something to joke about or 'use' as emotional ransom. Don't let him ..
Good luck OP .. I hope you find 'peace'
| |
|
| was in love with alcoholic
Posted: 1/8/2009 5:31:15 PM | "I have been to Alanon in the past- I will try again for support"
What kind of support are you thinking of? The one to help you to deal with him and this situation? Forget it. Don't bother.
Go for support to leave him and the situation where you are into; to find the strength to brake the vicious cicle of the on-off for 4 yrs; for help to stand on your own feet; to embrace the idea of the needed serenity to accept the things -his- that can't be changed and the courage to change the ones you can -yours.
Then, as the ultimate goal, set... yourself.... free. | |
|
| was in love with alcoholic
Posted: 1/8/2009 6:04:54 PM | we all make our own choices in life... and we have to assume responsibilities for our own actions.
if it's something that he revisits, he is constantly making that choice, and it should give you a pretty clear indication what sorts of importance he places on that and everything else.
there's no reason for you to be personally responsible for him.. only he can do that for himself. | |
|
| in love with alcoholic
Posted: 1/8/2009 6:14:56 PM | | OMG!!! I so know that story. My dad was a very bad alcoholic and he laid huge trips on everyone...his own kids included. One of his symptoms, since he did not live with us at a certain point, was telephonitis. He would call, and call, and call....saying "la la la and I am so depressed and your mother la la la and I am going to kill myself." It got to a point where one fine day I said back to him in a light and airy voice, "okay dad, just don't get blood on the carpet, bye!" After that I got an unlisted number and I started to take control of my life.....at fifteen. OYE!!! | |
|
| was in love with alcoholic
Posted: 1/8/2009 6:16:07 PM | I agree with cubannguy. I tried AlAnon to help me deal with my ex-husband since we had a child together. They were very kind and non-judgmental people. However, it was all about supporting enabling behavior. I listened to men and women talk about being physically or verbally abused time and again, stolen from, etc. It was disheartening and not at all helpful to me. You cannot fix him so you must decide if you are better off with him or without him and then act accordingly. Love does not conquer all....
I wish you the best,
Jennyrose | |
|
| in love with alcoholic
Posted: 1/8/2009 6:17:43 PM | | i'm not even in the least bit surprised that a woman is attracted to a man like this..after all a lot of women are attracted to loser guys like these..maybe it will take something bad like for him to slice your breast or something for you to get a heads up..i dont know... | |
|
| in love with alcoholic
Posted: 1/8/2009 6:20:10 PM | Look for AL-ANON meetings in your area. They're free!
Believe it or not, it may be hard to hear, but you are just as sick as he is.
How do I handle this properly?
Get help for yourself. Buy a book on people who are in relationships with alchoholics. Go to an AL-ANON meeting. The best way to help him is to help yourself and release him so that he can do the same.
Not what you're looking to hear, I'm sure but really the only healthy choice. | |
|
| in love with alcoholic
Posted: 1/8/2009 6:50:56 PM |
i'm not even in the least bit surprised that a woman is attracted to a man like this..after all a lot of women are attracted to loser guys like these..maybe it will take something bad like for him to slice your breast or something for you to get a heads up..i dont know...
And this commet makes you a good guy? Alrighty then | |
|
| in love with alcoholic
Posted: 1/8/2009 6:51:50 PM | | Ditto to everything that Ameerra just said. Run, don't walk, to an Al-Anon meeting! | |
|
| in love with alcoholic
Posted: 1/8/2009 6:53:35 PM | May I suggest the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie...
| |
|
| in love with alcoholic
Posted: 1/8/2009 6:57:14 PM | RUN! RUN! RUN! Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction, and then find a good - good - good conselor that will help you figure out what it is about this relationship that makes you think he is your soul mate!
I have a brother who is an alcoholic, and even though he has been sober for more than 10 years, there are still many, many, alcoholic behaviors that we deal with on a regular basis. And - the years before he finally quit drinking were absolute hell! There were thousands of dollars spent on treatment programs, and even more thousands that he stole from people he loved in order to support his addiction! Now, I love my brother, but if I met a guy that was an alcoholic, and I had a choice as to whether or not to bring this addiction into my life - I would never choose an alcoholic!
By the way, threatening to kill himself is his way of manipulating him to get what he wants from you! He won't kill himself unless he drinks himself to death - and you can't stop that from happening, no matter how much you love him! | |
|
| in love with alcoholic
Posted: 1/8/2009 7:14:17 PM | Sorry, did not read all the replies. First al-anon is more about helping families cope with alcoholic behavior, not severing a bad relationship. Also you need to recognize you love him, you are not in love with him. When a relationship has ended or is being shelled with emotional bombs, this does not mean you don't have feelings for that person, but the act of being in love can only come from 2 people caring and sharing with each other, no one way streets in such a situation.
This is also bad for your children, not only is bad behavior being modeled for them but you are also being abused. Your reactions to him and his actions evoke a correct emotional response from you, the problem is the guilt you feel after is inappropriate. Best for you to move on, no matter how painful, heal then look for a healthy relationship with a man who can return your love in kind.
Finally, you are not responsible for any of his behaviors. As a final act of kindness you can encourage him to go to AA, again though, he must do it, your not in charge of his life, he is. Should he harm himself, either by drinking(which he is doing) or by some physical act(suicide) it is his life. As we act in life, we are all adults, you must clearly recognize his actions do not resemble at all a grown man of 46. Worry more about yourself, your children and your core family lives and not someone who is a supposed friend who wants you to be a caretaker, parttme lover and fixer of his problems.
I'm sorry if this sounded harsh, you must realize the pain you are inflicting on you and your children. There are free clinics supported by your community that will provide psyhcological help for you if your income is low. These programs are generally available through county health services. Bob | |
|
Home
login 
