| Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/9/2009 5:51:17 PM | I was awarded child support in our divorce. My Ex has not paid in 7 months. I finally notified the state because I literally could no longer afford to go through my savings anymore to pay rent and expenses. I have never used the money for anything but 100% support of the children.
The state has finally notified me that they will start going after him. I am terrified about how he will react.. He has always had a bad temper and every action he has had in the last 3 years has said he hates my guts. He has told me he still is in love with me. He has threatened me, called the cops, and made my life hell since the divorce.
I do not love him. Any feelings I had were gone after trying to make the marriage work for years. I'm literally afraid. Not only for myself, but afraid he will harm himself and the kids need their Dad. I cannot talk to him he is very unbalanced right now.
Has anyone dealt with this? I hate drama and honestly do not know how to handle this. | |
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| Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/9/2009 6:35:00 PM | Sadly, until they get their pound of flesh, many are never satisfied. It takes time, distance, and more time. In Canada, Child Support is law. It is paid to whoever has custody of the children based on the Payor's ability to support THEIR children. Sadly many Payors perceive the child support as spousal support and fail to realize it is for the children. It wouldn't matter if the children were in the care of a parent, grandparent, or were a ward of the State. "It is your ability to support your children".
As far as his reaction to enforcement action - there is absolutely nothing that you can do to affect change in his mind... except to maybe suffer abject poverty or disaster - maybe that would satisfy the pound of flesh requirement... nah. Only they can say "when"...
You can however effect a change to your mindset. Fear can be paralysing. If he knew the power he had over you - by YOUR thoughts and feelings - he'd probably thoroughly enjoy it. Do not give anyone the power to control you or instill fear in you using YOU as the weapon; seek counselling.
Much of family law is the zebra analogy - a power imbalance... whereby one of the parties is a lion always intent to eat the other - a zebra. Until such time as the lion no longer seeks to attack the zebra, there can be no resolution, no negotiating, no peace. Ironically when I was told of the zebra/lion analogy, I said I wasn't a zebra anymore... I was an elephant - peaceful, able to get along, but not forgetting 'cuz I knew I would stomp the lion if it stepped out of line.
OP I can't email you (settings), but feel free to drop a line. | |
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| Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/9/2009 6:44:30 PM | | maybe it time for you to move somewhere you can afford to live.to many people depend on their child support to make it .child support is not a pay check. | |
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| Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/9/2009 7:35:03 PM | Child support is not a paycheck, bu t it's there for both parents to be responsible in supporting their child financially. One parent shouldn't have to scrounge out savings if the other parent can contribute since he's not being a part of the kids' lives.
OP, the kids don't need their father if he hasn't been involved for 3 years, if they know his true colors, chances are they could care less since he hasn't made any effort to be in their lives. Perhaps it's more an illusion of what having a dad around would mean to them. If he's threatening you, and you are in fear of him, why would you even let him around the kids? Is he working under the table that he can't get his checks garnished to get your child support? If you have to file a protective custody for you, then you should do so. Too many crazy people these days. Make sure you keep recordings if they are coming from him and document everything. | |
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| Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/9/2009 7:45:32 PM | very dramatic post for someone that hates drama. i'm just saying...
you are allowing yourself to get sucked in and wrapped up in his drama - you do have the choice to not allow him to impact you.
i am unclear on how, after 3 years of being a single parent, you have not established a way to support your child without his assistance. the other poster made a good point - you might need to downgrade your lifestyle...there are a myriad of ways that he could avoid having the state collect monies from him. getting the state involved doesn't mean he is going to start sending you a check...
you handle this by reminding yourself that you can handle this - doing smart things to ensure you are safe and your children have the things they need. | |
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| Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/9/2009 7:58:30 PM |
the other poster made a good point - you might need to downgrade your lifestyle
That's right. With a dramatic increase in cost of living in the past year, I'll have to make a downgrade myself. I'll likely see an increase in child support payments shortly as the small raise I did receive increases my "ability to pay", but two-bedroom apartments are no longer in an affordable category for my income in this city. My daughter will simply no longer have her own bedroom in her father's home. It's a sacrifice that has to be made. Sometimes we can't give our children everything they want. | |
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| Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/9/2009 8:23:42 PM | I haven't received court-ordered child support in years - he owes close to $50,000...Good luck with the state's involvement - it doesn't work for me...In the meantime, I have had to make major adjustments in order to adequately provide for my babies...However, I have never kept him away from the children - he is actively involved in their lives otherwise (I wouldn't want it any other way)...I just don't count on any payments from him - if I ever receive a check? Hallejuhah!
None of us know how your ex will react - I can tell you that my ex quit every job once his employer received the deduction order...If your ex is that unstable that he would harm himself over child support, that is on him, not you...If he threatens you, get a restraining order (not that they are any more effective than a child support order); and if he begins to act really crazy, baker act his ass...
EDIT:
Oops - the baker act is in Florida...Not sure if you have something similar in New Hampshire... | |
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| Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/9/2009 8:46:46 PM | Carolann...you are letting this man still control you. You are afraid and I agree that if he knows he can still affect you this way, it will encourage him to continue the behaviour towards you. What advice would you give your child in dealing with a bully at school? That is no different than the advice you should give yourself.
I have raised my 14 year old son without a dime of child support from his father. Was it always easy? No, it wasn't but my son has always had a roof over his head, nutricious food to eat, clothes that fit (perhaps from Walmart and not the Gap but that was what I could afford) and a loving home. I would never allow myself to be in a position where I "needed" the child support payments to make ends meet.
If you are really afraid of his reaction and cannot deal with that fear...downsize and forget about the child support...the cost is too high for you. Morally he should assist with paying the bills of providing a roof over his children's head, food in their stomachs, clothes on their backs, however if he isn't willing and you are afraid of him....it simply is not logical for you to pursue this. | |
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| Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 12:45:10 AM | Is there a reason for which he hasn't paid child support? Lost his job? Got sick? Having huge debts that he is attempting to pay off? Did you try to work on a mutually acceptable agreement with him for a set amount of child support he would be willing to pay? Does he have his fair access to his children and is he interested into having it?
If none of the above worked or does not apply, then my advice would not be to give up on the child support - quite the contrary. The money is there to help the child, you are entitled to it and if you give up on it, you are playing right into what he wants when he is trying to scare you off. (and I think you already know this, since you decided to go to the state for the child support).
It's not just about having one or two rooms, like some poster said - it's about providing your children with a better education, cloths, food, entertainment and generally a better quality of life. I agree with many posters when they say to try not to depend on that money - as a principle so that manipulators do not hold power over you. But it's easier said than done. In Canada, child support is taken right out of the other spouse's pay check - so I don't know if this is the same where you are.
As for his reactions, what comes to my mind is this: never negotiate with terrorists. In other words, don't let him even guess you are afraid. Don't play his game. If he is threatening to hurt himself, call the police and let them handle it, but do not give in to his manipulation. If he is able to pull that kind of manipulation, then your children are better off without his influence than with it.
Just my 2 cents, hoping it makes sens. | |
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| Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 2:07:23 AM | Funny acronym for FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real.
Why are you fearful? What took you so long to act? 7 months...
What kid needs a Dad that doesn't support them, terrifies the mother and is unbalanced?
Maybe your judgement needs to be checked out? You chose the guy... is he so bad?
Your fear is evidence of a lack of faith. Deal with that and you'll no longer fear.
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| Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 8:47:10 AM | Fear?
False Evidence Appearing Real. Nice post.
Lack of faith in who? Me? There is nothing false about my post or my feelings. My internal fear is mostly driven by the layoffs at my company and the national economy as a whole. If I could afford to go without child support I would. My kids Dad has 100% access when ever he can see them he no longer lives in NH, I am not sure where he lives now. They do speak on the phone nightly with him.
The main issue is that he has been unable to hold a steady job for over ten years and he has always been VERY bad with money. He has multiple college degrees and was a Director of Engineering for many of the years we were married. But recently his stints have included Limo Driver, house painter and commercial trucker. He lost his marbles and it is affecting his children now.
Me, I'm looking for a second job which means more time not spent with my kids. They need at least one responsible adult that is always there for them, I have always been that person. My fear is also how the hours a second job will require will affect their school work, their safety and their general well being.
I'm not lazy or bad with money but one income is just not cutting it anymore. Down grade? I've already gone to 2 bedrooms sharing with my daughter. I'm not sure how much more I can cut down. | |
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| Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 9:27:16 AM | | Money is owed and your ex needs to pay his share. You have a duty to your kid to make sure he pays. Downgrade your lifestyle, maybe until you get support. But I get sick of the payors always trying to justify not paying support and the custodial parent always being forced to make up the difference. People have to get their s**t together and meet thier responsibilities, I am so sick of lazy people. | |
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| Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 9:28:51 AM | Carolanne ... the questions conscioussoul asked are very relevant here ... ""Is there a reason for which he hasn't paid child support? Lost his job? Got sick? Having huge debts that he is attempting to pay off? Does he have fair access to his children and is he interested in having it?
It's a tough call if getting money from him is really worth the fear. I'm sure child support would be awesome to receive and would make life a whole lot less stressful ... but not if the resulting stress is greater. I have struggled financially with no support from the biological father, but I have also lived in "peace" the last 17.5 years!
I think only you knows what the man is capable of, so only you would know if he is just manipulative or truly dangerous. | |
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| Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 9:42:18 AM |
The main issue is that he has been unable to hold a steady job for over ten years and he has always been VERY bad with money.
And when you look into the mirror what do you see? I will accept that he does not have very much money because he is shiftless and unreliable. But a single parent who is in sales should be themselves able to provide for their children adequately enough.
As to fears about the economy and the general state of the job market. Sales are down 40% for many people and for someone who is principle paid by commission I am looking at a rather bleak year.
Going on 7yrs now and I have paid all of the bills and never seen a dime. We cannot downgrade on the home because it was always near the bottom but the additional bills can be streamlined.
But recently his stints have included Limo Driver, house painter and commercial trucker. He lost his marbles and it is affecting his children now.
So if he is having personal issues and unable to keep a job....having the state hound him..or drive him underground will no doubt do wonders....
Me, I'm looking for a second job which means more time not spent with my kids. They need at least one responsible adult that is always there for them, I have always been that person. My fear is also how the hours a second job will require will affect their school work, their safety and their general well being.
But wait...here you marginalize or make petty comments about what your ex is doing or not doing in respect to earning an income.....yet not addressing what you are yourself doing...as you do not seem to be doing much better in respect to finacially providing for your children......perhaps the truth is more about what you are unable to do yourself?
I really wish my ex had helped with the daycare costs...or the sport costs...or the costs of braces...the school costs...the clothing costs...
but reality is she has not held regular work for a few years..or worked under the table....
so I pay the bills because I am working...holding down a job....and sometimes not getting a few things for myself because the children need things...
So if you are so responsible and established...why are you unable to not go it alone?
You hold your ex to a value and what do you say about where you are?
I'm literally afraid. Not only for myself, but afraid he will harm himself and the kids need their Dad. I cannot talk to him he is very unbalanced right now.
Has anyone dealt with this? I hate drama and honestly do not know how to handle this.
If you hate the drama you walk away from it. If they are unbalanced you try to avoid situations that create heightened anxieties.
The reality is your anger or frustration about doing it alone has perhaps clouded your judgement. Or you are simply not much better yourself at finacially providing for yourself and your children?
If you are unable to...then your ex...and or the state should be helping you and your children...because it is not the fault of the children that they have parents who are unable to provide for them. As you have so very well established your ex is seemingly unable to due to history and mental instability....and you are where? | |
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| Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 9:44:57 AM | | I so empathize with you carolann...We, as a country, are in very troubling times right now and it is especially distressing for us sole financial providers...My 3 children and I have been through hell and back due to his non-payment of child support...Like your ex, mine is VERY bad with money, jumps from job to job, and basically has no sense of responsibility whatsoever...The children are too young to understand this - (although my oldest daughter is starting to see)...We lived in a women & children's shelter for a year until I was able to get on my feet and purchase my own home...Like you, I am actively looking for a second job but due to our current economy, they are very difficult to find...Thank God I have a job, period...I have had to do drastic things in the meantime (ie. returning my "new" car to purchase a used one outright to eliminate monthly car payments, cancelling cable, eating LOTS of pasta, etc.) in order to keep the roof over our heads...It is terrifying living with financial insecurity...Worrying about our children's welfare at the same time is downright crippling...I certainly don't have any answers for you - I just keep doing what I need to do and doing the best I can do...It is not easy but we don't have any other choice... | |
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| Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 10:44:37 AM | wow.. once again, someone mentions child support and half the world goes on off that lazy, shiftless woman who is trying her best to support her kids ..
She SHOULDN"T have to support the kids on her own. If he's unstable, shifty, and scarey..
first off protect yourself and your kids.
ensure the courts handle the legalities of this.. a lesson I've recently learned actually can help.
make yourself as independent as possible in today's economy but dont' give up.
I have heard so many stories of men who quit their jobs while going through a divorce because they don't want their EX to get any money..It's really not about the kids.. its about not letting that evil **** who stole your kids have any of your hard earned money.
Now, not all men think like that.. but alot certainly do.
I'm learned that no matter how hard you try, how gentle you are, you simple will invoke the hatred of many men because of you expect your ex to help. | |
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| Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 10:51:57 AM | | I think these are wonderful lessons everyone is passing along to their children. The only thing that matters in this world is money. Woo hoo! Yeah moms and dads! | |
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| Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 10:59:56 AM |
I think these are wonderful lessons everyone is passing along to their children. The only thing that matters in this world is money. Woo hoo! Yeah moms and dads!
Oh Please Spare me...Unless you live in a cave, wear leaves, and catch fish by spear, you need money for the necessities - food, clothing, shelter... | |
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| Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 11:06:21 AM | guranteed that comment that the world revolves around money is not a custodial parent who is not receiving support.
Anybody who hates giving money to the ex because they hate the ex that much is also deluding themselves that this isn't about the money..
From start to finish in life, it's usually all about the money. who makes it, who gives it, who spends it, who takes it, who donates it, who hoards it, who fritters it away, who saves it, who should get it, who shouldn't get it, how much, ...
True parenting actually has NOTHING to do with the money.. Ask married couples if they discuss their finances right before discussing a problem with Johnny's behavior to see if either party is doing it right. | |
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| Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 11:19:56 AM | If he is so unbalanced, then why are you squeezing and hammering him for child support money, thereby making him even more unbalanced?
I understand that it's his children too, and that by not paying child support he is truly a deadbeat, but on the other hand one ought to weigh out what is most important I would think.
If you truly believe that it's important for your children's father to be in their lives, then you should be squeezing and hammering for him to get help at this time. The child support can wait until he is more stable. | |
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| Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 11:23:30 AM |
Anybody who hates giving money to the ex
That's exactly it. YOu nailed it. It's not "child support." It's "ex-wife support" disguised as child support.
It's so ****ed up how child support is handled in our country. There is literally no stipulations on how the money is spent. It's all forked over to the custodial parent and the custodial parent is free to spend the money however they please, which is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of.
I don't begrudge my kids the money, so long as I know it's THEM that is benefiting from it. In fact, I would be GLAD that they are getting the benefit fromt hat money.
I begrudge the fact that my ex-wife can spend that money however she pleases, though. | |
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| Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 11:29:17 AM | True parenting actually has NOTHING to do with the money
That's my point. Take this situation and change it to be about child custody. If her ex was a child molestor, would she be going to court seeking a 50/50 split in custody? Would she have the support of millions in that, "He owes time to his children! Good for you making him spend that time with them!" were she to do that? Yet he's emotionally unstable, and she's sure the pursuit of child support may just put him over the edge. That money is worth putting someone's life on the line and potentially the emotional well-being of these children at risk when they attend the funeral of one of their parents? Money has nothing to do with parenting, but our laws regarding split families don't encourage anyone to believe that. | |
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| Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 11:37:18 AM |
Yet he's emotionally unstable, and she's sure the pursuit of child support may just put him over the edge. That money is worth putting someone's life on the line and potentially the emotional well-being of these children at risk when they attend the funeral of one of their parents?
OK - that makes mores sense...Thank you for clarifying... | |
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| Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 11:53:57 AM | Carolann - he has no reason to be upset since he is the one that broke the court order. If circumstances came up that he could not pay his obligation (loss of job, reduced hours, etc.) then he should have filed a motion for reduced supports with the courts.
Not totally knowing all the circumstances in your case, you may also want to consider living within your means. Example: I work full time, pay full waited support, 50% custody of my two children that are with me 50% of the week in a shared parenting plan, pay minimal spousal support while the ex purposely works under employed (equally educated as me and has high pay potential) and on average only 25 hours a week. I may case, it truly is not fare for me although the courts made a determination and I follow it completely. Eventually her ways will caught up with her and justice will provide vindication – I just live within my means and make the best of it.
I hope this helps
My 2-cents | |
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| Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 11:56:08 AM | The US, Tealwood is not a socialist country. Getting 'help' from the government would require I be out of, or unable to work. Which I am not. Nor do I work on commission I am in a salaried position. We do not get child allowances from the government or subsidized daycare here.
The Ex has full access to his children whenever he wants to see them, he always will have that. His financial issues are attributed to not being able to get along with his boss and getting fired or wanting to live beyond his means, which equates to a nicer cars, recreational vehicles, guns, exercise equipment, or other toys. I have believed for a long time that he is either manic depressive or Bi-polar. He of course would never agree to that.
I have always been more conservative financially. I have downgraded my lifestyle in the last year however possible, I don't pay for cable TV, have no credit card debt, drive a 7 year old car and don't go shopping for myself unless I need something that cannot be fixed. This is not about wanting to go to the mall or pursuing Liposuction.
My savings will not last forever if I have to dip into them monthly to pay for heat and food. I have to have some in the bank in case the economy worsens and I lose my job.
I was not expecting to get flak from some men for being lazy or having poor judgement. My anger? Does not even seem to approach the level of some here. | |
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