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Posted: 1/10/2009 7:37:20 AM | A funny thing for me now. I am inching towards 32 in february. I have done alot in the past 10 ears and I am trying to settle down a bit. That doesn't mean I want to find some routine to latch onto. I just wan't to feel "home" and comfortable. I guess I am hearing that tick and tock of my male biological clock.
Lets look at a timeline here. I am 32 in February. Find someone and get to know them 33-34 maybe get married 34-35 have a kid or two 36-37 maybe 38, who knows. That makes me anywhere between 56 or 58 when that kid is 20 and I want more then one. yooowww... Too much.
How are people dealing with the clock. Do you find yourself trying to fit squares blocks into round holes, does it worry you that the right person may take a bunch more years to come along.
Is your bar getting lower? Would you settle for less? Isn't that a horrrible shame...
So when I am dating... I must be subconsciously thinking about this. If there isn't a silly good attraction and I mean lightning bolts not chemistry. You sit across the table and everything in the room behind the person falls out of focus. If that attraction isn't there. I don't really want to pursue much further or waste each others time. Sounds bad, but kinda true. I have had great relationships with people I was positively not in love with. But I am getting the feeling... I may not have much more time for those relationships.
Is it because in the back of my mind I am also thinking that three mismatched relationships could set the timeline back another 3 years! (ohh god...if you said I would have typed that 4 years ago I would have lauged my ass off)
I am just starting to feel it now and I am not happy or comfortable with it. I may just go get hipnotized and have it removed, haha.
Hope that made sense, now discuss
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Posted: 1/10/2009 7:46:34 AM | Ouch... I just read my post own post again and now I feel old.
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Posted: 1/10/2009 8:05:07 AM | | I don't want kids so I don't care about any ticking biological clock. Anyway op you are a man and you don't have a ticking clock. You can father a child right up until the day you die. So why the rush? | |
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Posted: 1/10/2009 8:10:33 AM | | OP...i think you have finally grown up and realized there is more in life than having a good time. Understand the thought of not wanting to waste time if the feelings aren't there. I would like to have another baby or two and yes, my clock is ticking, but on the flip side, more important to me is a loving relationship. So if I never have another child, that's okay too. Not willing to "settle" just to be with someone. | |
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Posted: 1/10/2009 8:21:05 AM | | Now consider that the women you have been dating all this time have been thinking in terms of the future of the possible relationship all along, and why they are less inclined to hop into bed based on attraction alone. Life is mysterious. | |
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Posted: 1/10/2009 8:29:26 AM | I think settling for someone just to settle down and live the life perceived to be "right" by society leads to nothing but divorce and headaches. When you have kids with someone, you're attached to them for the rest of you life. Do you really want to do that with someone you settled for?
Is it really a biological clock or is societal and family pressures to be "normal"? I'm 33 and I usually get the same feeling around this time of year. After spending time with my family at Christmas and hearing my sister say "You know Jenny, it's really weird that you're not married yet" or having my Mom drop hints that she'd like more grand children. Am I going to get married and have kids to make them happy? No.
I can't imagine settling down with someone I've settled for. I'd get bored. Fast. | |
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Posted: 1/10/2009 8:42:22 AM | It's not about "settling" (and I really hate that term). It's about targeting your search for compatibility in all the other issues on those who *also* have compatibility in the area of family and children *and* pointedly NOT spending any time or energy with people who don't share your outlook.
Fortunately for the OP... this subset is a target rich environment: almost every single woman within 3 years of your age (29-35) would qualify. | |
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Posted: 1/10/2009 8:51:40 AM | | Nope I am not that way. I want to be young enough to enjoy my kids adult lives. I think that would be good way to go out myself. | |
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Posted: 1/10/2009 9:13:32 AM |
women you have been dating all this time have been thinking in terms of the future of the possible relationship all along
Yes probably, I think for the most part the women I have had relationships with were thinking that. We live in different times though. I was no way ready to have a family 4 or 5 years ago but I was in a commited relationship. The way relationships break up, drift apart and how much we change in our twenties. Makes for a bumpy road. Alot of divorced 30-40 year olds out there, with young young kids. On the other hand it's the Hard that makes a relationship strong. A smooth sea never made a skillful mariner. Ask old people who have been married 50 years.
Is it really a biological clock or is societal and family pressures to be "normal"?
You know I don't know about that one. I think there is a difference. I don't feel bad that my brother and sister have kids and I don't, or that I don't have a stroller too at the farmers market. I just seem to be noticing that feeling/pressure I was talking about in the original post more often now.
It's about targeting your search for compatibility
Sweet mother of god, I hope it doesn't end up like that..... Nothin sexy about that...Yikes
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Posted: 1/10/2009 9:55:40 AM | "Sweet mother of god, I hope it doesn't end up like that..... Nothin sexy about that...Yikes" .
LOL. No matter how good a fisherman you may be, you aren't going to find rainbow trout in the surf.
Don't confuse sexy with romance... nor confuse romance with love. They exist on something of a continuum but are distinctly different things and especially are different depending the depth of your understanding of each.
As alluded to earlier in the thread... you have peeked over the transom into maturity.. but know that since you now have this awareness... you can't go go back.
The choice is to deny it or to embrace it and grow as a human being. Choose well. | |
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Posted: 1/11/2009 9:19:03 AM | i think about this stuff too. i have contemplated the same timeline as you about having kids.
however, i will NOT lower my standards & i'm not going to waste time either. i believe that with modern medicine we will live until we are 100, so there will be plenty of good years with my SO retired, alone, etc. also, i am independent and educated and i am completely open to artificial insemination, adoption, purchasing a child when i am financially secure-regardless if mr. right has come along.
being a good parent is a goal of mine. spending the rest of my life with mr. right is secondary.
EDIT: you have no biological clock. as someone stated you can father children forever. imagine being a woman in this situation? | |
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Posted: 1/11/2009 9:39:22 AM | That's quite a burden you place upon yourself OP....My initial impression is that you may want to contemplate meditation, yoga, or become 420 friendly to calm , center and de-stress yourself..:)
Seriously though...
You really need to realize the folly of attempting to live your life according to some rigid blueprint of the future as you want it.. Life isn't like that..
Humanity teaches us that despite our best intentions, things have a way of turning out how they should - many times beyond our best efforts contrary ...
There is a plethora of variables and circumstances which can derail your "white picket fence" dream....
*One day you may fall hopelessly in love with a woman who does not want /cannot have kids
* By misfortune (God forbid) you may pass on from this world suddenly before any of this plays out in your life anyway...
The point is that while it is laudable to have goals and dreams for yourself, its not wise to be hell bent on the minutiae and neat little time lines for the future....
Hold on to your dreams but be mindful to keep you feet on the ground....
While keeping a eye on the future, focus on the present and enjoy today and each day as if were your last because life has a way of teaching a sobering lesson that tomorrow is promised to no one.. | |
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Posted: 1/11/2009 12:34:42 PM | I think if the reason you are interested in someone is because they can give you an "ideal" that you want within a certain timeline; you will always subconsciously wonder if you are settling.
I know it's hard to separate yourself from the clock; but if you are relaxed and positive aobut what you are doing; as opposed to trying to "finish" something that you now feel you should start; you will probably have more luck. Sometimes people give off vibes when they are trying to accomplish something in an abbreviated time, somehow.
Also, one thing to know; when you have kids; the kids actually keep you younger; so even if it does take you an extra couple years to find someone that you truly want to spend extended years with; you will have enough energy to keep up with them; something about having kids many times keeps you young and freshher, so don't feel like you will be "past your window" even if you don't succeed within this year to father a child and settle down. You're still ok. | |
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Posted: 1/11/2009 6:32:41 PM | Yeesh... that darn clock. It's hard to ignore, but it can lead you to make some regrettable choices if you think you have to adhere to some sort of schedule.
Instead of laying out your timeline for yourself, why not just concentrate on living in the moment? That way, when you're 50 and you have kids (or not) you'll have a lifetime of great memories to look back on, instead of looking forward with fear about what lies ahead (and what you can't control anyway). | |
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Posted: 1/12/2009 2:11:52 PM | | Wow, you've got that whole timeline playing out in your head on a first date!? Damn, talk about pressure! I've always been a big fan of (and quoted it here often enough) the John Lennon line about "life is what happens while you're busy making other plans." I got married 2 weeks shy of turning 21, with a baby on the way. Needless to say I was completely unprepared for that; I did the best I could, but in spite of my efforts I was divorced 15 months later and had to settle for being a weekend dad. Now I'm a few years shy of 50, and I still haven't completely given up on the idea of having a family and being an everyday father, no matter the fact that it gets less and less likely with each passing year. But I'm not bringing all of that with me on a first date. I've learned to do my best to enjoy BOTH the square pegs and the round holes I meet, and have found the best way to do that is having a never ending curiosity about people and a sense of humor about life in general. Check your expectations at the door, be open to new experiences, and remember that if your glass is 51% full you'll always be on the optimistic side of things. | |
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Posted: 1/12/2009 2:56:31 PM | | "lucky" for me, I don't want children. i'm 32 and my biological clock has never ticked. i don't think it has batteries. | |
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Posted: 1/13/2009 12:32:01 PM | My cousin got married at 40, first child at 45. Mind you his wife is a lot younger than him!!
I'm very amused watching you struggle with your biological clock... it's funny to see a man even talking about it, let alone stressing over it. Hehehe..
Sorry.. not helpful. | |
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Posted: 1/13/2009 2:51:37 PM | | agree....guys can always look for somebody a bit younger if kids are so important, but I suppose you need to keep yourself up to get the younger ones....I frankly havent put much thought into the "clock" and had some interest recently in somebody older than me so the person is the most important thing ...I even know a guy that got married for the first time in his mid 40s to somebody already with kids... | |
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Posted: 1/13/2009 10:21:48 PM | You have a timeline? I'm 45, my timeline came and went, LOL. I have been married before (now divorced after 14 yrs. 9 yrs. ago). But I digress, I didn't have children, so it's different for what other people may want in their life.
When I was married, we just took things as they came. There wasn't "a plan", "timeline". We just loved and lived.
Things will happen for you when they happen. Wouldn't you rather be with someone you love and care for then just settle because of your biological clock ticking? You're still young. Hell a friend of mine, their mother got married a 2nd time at age 84!
Be happy, maybe you'll find someone wonderful. Not everyone gets married, or has or doesn't have children and are happy in their lives. | |
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Posted: 1/13/2009 10:56:03 PM | TICK TOCK!
"If there isn't a silly good attraction and I mean lightning bolts not chemistry. You sit across the table and everything in the room behind the person falls out of focus. If that attraction isn't there. I don't really want to pursue much further or waste each others time. Sounds bad, but kinda true. I have had great relationships with people I was positively not in love with..."
I was living with someone who I was physically attracted to (at one point) for about 2 years. His job took him in another direction and when he returned we decided that we would try it out again. I told him that I would like to assess things come the 3 month mark, but you know...after 3 weeks, I told him it wasn't working for me. He is a great guy, but the time spent away from him sort of fizzled out the initial attraction. He wanted to give the relationship more time and eventually marry me... But I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who I was not in love with.
I think everyone has certain guidelines in regards to what it is they are looking for in a person and those shouldn't be compromised. The people who post above or below me are probably looking for their "ideal" and yours just so happens to be wanting someone who makes you RAWR! I suggest sticking to what it is you are looking for, which might take twice the effort in tracking down but in the end it's what you've been looking for and will make you happy..right?
Happy Hunting!!  | |
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Posted: 1/14/2009 6:50:07 AM | i would hate to be 'settled for' by someone, as much as 'settling for' someone
life is short, i agree
and it's too short to waste being with someone you regret being with... regret in that case can lead to resentment and resentment can lead to bitterness... bitterness to disrespect... disrespect to anger and tension...and so on
and who would really want to live a life with someone, filled with bitterness, disrespect, anger, etc.
far better a life alone with tranquility and moments of joy, imo | |
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Posted: 1/14/2009 3:24:07 PM | Interesting topic.
All my children were born before I was 27, and I always wanted to be young enough to be doing things with them when they got older.
My son is 30 now, and I know he is hearing his clock tick. He is in a very good relationship which I suspect will end up in a marriage this year, and further suspect there will be a child in the near future after that.
I am so grateful to have had my children when I was younger, as even now I can still do activities that include a lot of sports and outdoor things.
Good luck to those that are looking at finding that special person to have a family with. | |
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Posted: 1/14/2009 11:59:55 PM | I would hate to have kids with someone I was just settling for.
Cause hey.... not only are you stuck with one person you think is just ok.... you're stuck with their kids! And chances are great that the kids will take on irritating immature versions of the personality traits of the person you are settled for.
I'd rather have a cat!! | |
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Posted: 1/15/2009 9:39:57 AM | In my neck of the woods, many of the men don't even consider settling down and procreating until late 40s or early 50s. The sad part about it is it tends to cheat their kids and their kid's kids out of a realtionship with living grandparents.
Funny story, but sometime during my daughter's first month of kindergarten, I mentioned to another mom how great it was that so many grandfathers took such an active role in their grandkid's lives. She burst out laughing and pointed out that those were the fathers | |
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