| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 6:52:01 AM | I just found out from my boyfriends mother, that when he was younger he sexually molested his sister. Im not sure of the age. but hes 29 now. He hasnt mentioned it and when i brought it up after finding out he denied it, and then claimed it wasnt his fault. He didnt know what he was doing and had no control over it, and doesnt think he should be blamed for it. Because hes a different person now then what he was then.
We've only been dating for four months.. Is this a deal breaker?
For the past month i havent been happy with him to begin with.. He doesnt care about me. Im a ''curvy'' girl. And every day he sees me. He has to bring up my weight and the fact that im not a size 0. He tells me what kind of emotions i should have. And that I dont care about our relationship. When i believe its the other way around..
Back to the main topic. I was toldthat people who do sexual things to others in their past..Keep wanting to do it. WIth or without help, Is this true?
I find that whenever hes around..He has to be in control. Telling me what to do, how to act. what to feel. He takes control of my apartment and in a conversation. If he feels threatened or feels like hes about to be called ''wrong'', He gets mad and angry..to the point where conversation cant go on.
I just need help. Ive been sexually assaulted in the past..and i have a daughter.. Should I forgive this guy. or should it be a deal breaker.. Simply for the fact. He did do it. and wont accept the responsibility for it.. And im sorry if this has been repeated..I did look though...
Cheers? | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 6:55:59 AM | do you also still have to put your hand in the fire to understand "Hot"?
rereading what you have written will either illuminate your own darkness or just be one more obvious aspect to ignore.. i hope for your daughters sake that you wake up
NOW | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 6:57:24 AM | I hate to be blunt but did some gremlins steal your brain in the middle of the night?
This:
*For the past month i haven't been happy with him to begin with.. He doesnt care about me. Im a ''curvy'' girl. And every day he sees me. He has to bring up my weight and the fact that im not a size 0. He tells me what kind of emotions i should have. And that I dont care about our relationship. When i believe its the other way around..
Back to the main topic. I was told that people who do sexual things to others in their past..Keep wanting to do it. With or without help, Is this true?
I find that whenever hes around..He has to be in control. Telling me what to do, how to act. what to feel. He takes control of my apartment and in a conversation. If he feels threatened or feels like hes about to be called ''wrong'', He gets mad and angry..to the point where conversation cant go on.*
Is a huge list of crap that you do not need to put up with period, kick the idiot to the curb and find someone who isn't a huge control freak.
*when he was younger he sexually molested his sister*
And you let him in, near your daughter too... | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 6:58:44 AM | Is this a deal breaker?
Good question! Is it?
For the past month i havent been happy with him to begin with.. He doesnt care about me. Im a ''curvy'' girl. And every day he sees me. He has to bring up my weight and the fact that im not a size 0. He tells me what kind of emotions i should have. And that I dont care about our relationship. When i believe its the other way around..
OK, is this?
I think if you look at it, you can find plenty of deal breakers
Welcome too the mister obvious show. First time caller, long time listener..... I'm 19 dating a 29 year old that molested his sister. Should I leave? | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 7:01:26 AM | If you don't already know the answer to your questions, you seriously need to re-evaluate this whole situation. Why do you think this man's mother told you about the sexual molestation? Obviously there was a reason and it would be all I'd need to say adios amigo.
So many, many red flags here that they should be slapping you in the face. Get out now, change all your contact information and never see or speak to this man again. You owe it to your daughter to protect her safety as well as show her what a healthy relationship between two adults is like. You owe this man nothing except a kick in the pants. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 7:03:46 AM | Thanks guys. I know ive been pretty blind. But He was near my daughter BEFORE I knew about what had happened in his past..HE hasnt been near her since..And the thing thats caused me to some what stay. Is. My mother somehow got involved and is dating his dad.. And Once i leave him.. I havent yet because i havent seen him and im not the type to do it online/phone/text.. But I know he'll blame my mother..and then my mother will get into a discussion with her boyfriend.. and i'll be to blame. and i dont want that. Cause my mother and i have never been close..and now that she has moved in with me.. Were just getting things ''together''.
I questioned a friend on what i should do. and my friend said i should forgive him if hes trying to get help. He said he would , But i still dont think thats enough. BEcause he wont tell me what happened.. He says that i heard from his mom. thats good enough..
I know im probably sounding pretty stupid.. But im really confused. And i dont mind the bluntness one bit..
I just dont want the drama with my mother..as much as im sure she would understand..she would still have to listen to him yell at his dad. whom would get upset at my mom be cause im ''heartless''.
And not only that. I think hes kind of controling. Which has me scared too.. Seeing as im the ''one'' and he says he cant live without me.. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 7:10:18 AM | Holy red flags batman. And not the pretty red flags we have in Canada, these are creepy, slimy, gross flags. Leave, now. Go far, far away.
Look, in the first paragraph, you talk about now knowing he sexually molested his sister, which he first denied - but then confirmed by saying it wasn't his fault.
In the second paragraph, you talk about him having serious control issues and constantly bringing you down.
You then mention that you have a daughter.
Either of the first two scenarios are grounds for putting the boots to him irrespective of each other. You having a daughter should be a pretty easy justification to yourself as to why you should curb him now. Can you imagine what you would do if he told your daughter she should be a size 0? Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and say he would not touch your daughter (conflicting research regarding re-offending when crimes happen as a juvenile, and having it carry over into adulthood, so I can't say he would or would not molest your daughter) - either way, she's in some serious harm's way right now, b/c of this guy and his control issues. Just leave, concentrate on being a good mom, and part of that is only allowing healthy relationships into your life, of which your daughter will model herself after. Good luck.
EDIT: your 2nd post wasn't up before I finished mine - ok, I understand you don't want to rock the boat with your mom. However, it's not anyone else's job to fix your relationship with her - that responsibility falls square on your (and her) shoulders m'dear. I'd suggest having a chat about this with your mom, tell her you want to have a relationship with her, but you have to leave this guy and that might cause problems. Let her know about it - she probably will get some backlash - but explain why you're doing it and that her granddaughter's safety and well-being is at stake. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 7:10:46 AM | | What you are describing is a pattern of behaviour that leads him to you and you to him. Are you willing to honestly and truly look at that pattern of behaviour and stop it? For the sake of your daughter, you need to make healthy choices in relationships. I know it is a lifelong journey for some, and simple for others. Which one are you? How do you like to be woken up in the morning? | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 7:15:34 AM | He can't live without you but belittles you about your body????????
He can't live without you because he needs you to push around. My ex was like this. We were married for 17 years and I took his bullcrap because I thought I give it my best shot and not check out of the marriage. And why in the world is your mother's happiness your responsibility???????? She's a grown woman herself. Your only responsibility at this point is for you and your daughter. You do not have to take some guy's bulls**t so everybody else in the picture can be happy.
This guy's attitude that nothing is his fault and he never accepts responsibility for his own acts is a blueprint for his entire life. Why in the H-E-double hockey sticks would you want someone like this??????????? Snap out of it. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 7:21:19 AM | What are you doing?
Seriously - what. Are. You. Doing?
The molestation aside (and how he could not have been aware what was happening is beyond me), he's being a jerk. Sounds like he has been for quite a while. Why do you even want to be with this person? | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 7:25:03 AM | Never said i wanted to be with him.
And im not aimin to please my mother. ITs just we've never been close..and i dont want to throw it away just because some guy...
his dad just called me yelling at me saying my boyfriend was threatening to commit suicide cause i wont stop asking him about what he did and why he wont tell me . I didnt find out until sunday morning..
Now im in tears cause his dad yelled at me.and i feel stupid..cause hes trying to ''reel'' me in by saying he'll commit suicide.. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 7:25:36 AM | Damn if this don't look like a Springer episode.
The controlling behaviors and psychological abuse are factors enough
right there! Yes, there is counseling for perps but that does NOT guarantee that
they won't offend again.
EDIT:
"Manipulation, manipulation, manipulation, it's what control freaks do..."
This is also a BIG TIME trait for sexual predators.
"Run to the hills...run for your life." -Iron Maiden | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 7:27:56 AM | Good movie.
That set aside.. Theres no ''third party'' . So not quite Jerry spring.. More of a maury. Even though hes getting lame .
But. I dunno anymore.
And iknow it doesnt guarantee they wont offend again.. I believe i watch to much Law and Order and CSI and all that.. Where I kind of got the idea..that perps..even with help..can sometimes. re offend.. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 7:34:10 AM | Let me find a sensitive, PC way to put this: Dump him, now!
It isn't just the fact that he molested his sister, but that at this late date, he won't "accept the responsibility."
Even more so, it is this:
I find that whenever hes around..He has to be in control. Telling me what to do, how to act. what to feel. He takes control of my apartment and in a conversation. If he feels threatened or feels like hes about to be called ''wrong'', He gets mad and angry..to the point where conversation cant go on.
Woman, run! If you continue this relationship, I guarantee that it will go from poor to bad to worse. A man who is controlling and who won't take responsibility for his past actions will escalate into a bullying, demanding man (which he already is). He is belittling your size in order to deflate your self esteem; that way, he can exert even more control.
The next time he molests, the first time he hits you, he will say it wasn't his fault. He will blame you.
Please, don't make me have to say, "I told you so." Do what is BEST for you and your daughter. If the "facts" were a snake, you'd be treated with anti-venom now. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 7:34:41 AM | Wow...dysfunction abounds.
How is it he'd blame your mother? It was his mother that told you in the first place, and in the second place (actually, there are two first places here), he's the one that needs to be blamed for his actions - they were his actions. He won't even admit to them or discuss them.
So your daughter hasn't been around him since you found out. You only have 4 months invested into this which is no time at all in the scheme of things. Why on earth would you want to invest more time in it when the guy obviously doesn't think he has a problem (and he has a problem if he can't admit to anything or discuss it, knowing your concerns because of your daughter). How can you possibly consider staying in it because of your mother? You self report that you were abused in your own past. Is that part of the reason you haven't been close with your mother? Did she not "protect" you as a child, much in the same way you're thinking of not protecting your own daughter and not for her sake but for everyone else's sake? If it's a deal breaker for your and your mom's relationshp that you don't stay with this screwed up guy because either her or her boyfriend will get yelled at by this control freak, messed up short-term boyfriend who has called you the centre of his universe, or that your mother will get mad at you for "screwing her relationship up", you have no business being with your mother either.
It sounds to me as though you've been around dysfunction your entire life and you don't know how to get out of it on your own. Your excuses for even thinking of remaining in this situation are weak at best. Get some free counselling in your area if you can't afford anything more - otherwise you risk your daughter being brought up to repeat the pattern that you have experienced, both with dysfunction and abuse. The majority of abusers go out of their way to set themselves up in situations where they can be near someone else to abuse, ie. your daughter would be a built-in target. Run away...fast. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 7:40:04 AM |
I know im probably sounding pretty stupid.. But im really confused.
If a man I had been dating had even the slightest background of sexual mollestation that man would have his a$$ out my door before his foot even hit the welcome mat. I wouldn't care if I had been with him for two mins or married to him for 20 years, the moment I learned of this history he'd be gone. Children or no children.
Why are you confused??? You said you were molested as a child. Do you remember that pain and suffering? Has it left you? Would you dare take the risk of putting your own daughter in the hands of a past/present pedophile/molester???
Your confusion seems to be coming from your own selfish needs. You defend your relationship (or the lack thereof) with your mother and yourself, then you defend your mother's relationship with this person's father. Your mother, this man she is seeing, the man you are seeing, and yourself are ALL adults. Where is your defense for the one who cannot defend herslef? Where is your defense for your daughter???
I just dont want the drama with my mother..as much as im sure she would understand. Drama? How about the drama of a little girl who's mother had the chance to prevent her from being sexually mollested by a man, her mother knew, had a history of sexual mollestation??? So many other mother's are never given this chance to protect their children ahead of time, you have what you need to do this for her. Or, how about the drama of the courts who takes your child away from you after discovering this man has sexually assaulted your daughter, and because you knew he had the history, and you chose to let him stay in order to avoid all the drama ???
And not only that. I think hes kind of controling. Which has me scared too.. Seeing as im the ''one'' and he says he cant live without me Manipulation, manipulation, manipulation, it's what control freaks do...
Gawd I hope you make the decision to get him the he11 away from you and your daughter ASAP time is a valuable thing, do it before it's too late, if it isn't already... | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 7:41:45 AM | You're a 19 yr old girl who's a mother and you're dating a child molester,who has an interfering father who's dating your mother........................phew...............
Op,what on earth are you doing with this guy & why are trying to please everyone else ??
Get yourself and your child the hell outta this situation pronto.....
I cannot see one positive thing here !
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 7:42:17 AM | You clearly don't trust your own judgment - why else would you be with a guy who doesn't treat you well, denies wrongdoings of such a huge caliber, and you listed red flags, red flags, red flags.
Stop being such a victim and stand up for yourself. Step one is learning to trust yourself and stop being a doormat for guys like him and stop treating yourself like one. It's true that we teach people how to treat us. You taught him that you're not all that and you're willing to settle for less and be a somebody's, anybody's, victim. You set yourself up for this.
So make a new decision and put your best interests first for a change! | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 7:44:34 AM | With having a daughter, how could you even consider being around him? Where are your priorities? You said you've been sexually assaulted. You're not happy with him. Are you willing to risk your daughter's safety? I'm guessing with your past history of being sexually assaulted you do not have a very high self-esteem. It sounds like you need some serious counseling yourself. Please get some help, not just for yourself but for your daughter too.
I noticed in a later post you mentioned getting your mother upset. You have admitted you are not very close to her. If she has a problem you breaking things off, that is her problem and obviously has some serious ones herself. Do the right thing and get out for your daughter's sake! Again, PLEASE GET COUNSELING. You need to learn how to be a strong person so that you can be a good role model for your daughter. You are the only one SHE has. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 8:06:37 AM | You've only been dating this guy for a few months and he's already acting abusive and controlling and lying about his past?
Get out now!
Dump his nasty ass and find someone who will love you and appreciate you for who you are.
As a parent, I wouldn't want my child to be involved in any type of abusive relationship!...no matter who they were with, or how it affected my life!
Besides, you really don't need to explain your dating decisions to your mother.
Just tell her that the relationship wasn't working out, and you've decided to end it.
Sounds as if his father is abusive too.
If my son told me that he was considering suicide, I'd have him committed!
I certainly wouldn't call anyone else and yell at them for causing this drama.
This is bullshit...and I think you know it.
Either you're prepared to settle for a lifetime of bullshit...or you're not.
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 8:10:06 AM |
My mother somehow got involved and is dating his dad.. And Once i leave him.. I havent yet because i havent seen him and im not the type to do it online/phone/text.. But I know he'll blame my mother..and then my mother will get into a discussion with her boyfriend.. and i'll be to blame. and i dont want that.
You are hesitant to dump a guy who has so many red flags snapping out of his sphincter that his a$$ resembles Six Flags over Magic Mountain, because Mama’s gonna blame you? I cannot imagine ANY sane mother that would blame her daughter for dumping such an asshat. If your mother would treat you in this fashion, then I would be hestitant to even want to have a relationship with her.
I just dont want the drama with my mother..as much as im sure she would understand..she would still have to listen to him yell at his dad. whom would get upset at my mom be cause im ''heartless''.
If daddy boyfriend would get upset with your mother because of you, then it seems to me that the asshat apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Honestly OP, what to do in this situation should be a NO BRAINER. Your boyfriend has DEEP ISSUES! He’s molested his sister; he is horribly rude and cruel to you (e.g., the snide weight comments); he is controlling (i.e., tells YOU what emotions YOU should feel; refuses to communicate about his problems). This guy has so MANY red flags, he communicates in semaphore!
his dad just called me yelling at me saying my boyfriend was threatening to commit suicide cause i wont stop asking him about what he did and why he wont tell me . I didnt find out until sunday morning..
Now im in tears cause his dad yelled at me.and i feel stupid..cause hes trying to ''reel'' me in by saying he'll commit suicide..
This is just further confirmation (like you really needed any) that the dad is just as bad as the son. Run away and don't look back, lest you turn into a pillar o' shit. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 8:21:11 AM | There is a great deal of information missing to make an accurate assessment of this person to determine if he is a risk for child molestation. Depending upon his age and developmental stage at the time the event occurred means a great deal. The concept of accepting responsibility is connected to those who have the capacity to understand right and wrong at the time. If a child does not have the capacity to understand right and wrong is is meaningless to force them to accept responsibility when they, in fact, were not capable of being responsible at the time of the event.
Excluding that possibility since there is not enough information, the deal breakers are in your second paragraph. It is not true that people who have done sexual things to others in their past keep wanting to do it. It is true for some, not true for all and it is unwise to blindly accept what one has been told.
Given your brief mention of previous issues, it appears that you should consider working on yourself and developing a healthy sense of self before attempting to develop relationship with someone else.
Best,
ACP | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 8:25:22 AM | ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^............................................
"This is just further confirmation (like you really needed any) that the dad is just as bad as the son. Run away and don't look back, lest you turn into a pillar o' shit. "
I like this! I mean I "really" like this statement! How fitting and funny!
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If your mother is blinded by this man's father.. why do you feel a need to have this type of woman in your life?
Tell mom just how it is.. and let it go!
Let mom decide whether she cares more about you.. or more about the man in her life. You can't "make" her accept you.. or your choices. You can only tell her what your decisions are.. and ask her to respect them. If she does.. fine. If not.. cut the apron strings and distance yourself from her.
As far as the dad is concerned.. let him know the next time he calls and harasses you on the phone.. that you intend on placing legal charges against him. The phone calls will stop.
As for the man wanting to now commit suicide.. that's a personnal decision. NOT yours to make.. or to break you. Tell your mother to call the authorities.. and let them deal with his mental anguish. NOT you. You are not a professional.
Let this man go! | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 8:28:05 AM |
ITs just we've never been close..and i dont want to throw it away just because some guy... See this is a very narrow minded thought... You don't want to throw it away just because of some guy? You should be throwing it away if it comes down to your mother's understanding or your daughter's safety. If you can't protect your daughter please give her to someone who can. Also, just so you know, the inability to make important decisions is one of many schizophrenia charactersitics, which often accompanies PTSD, which occurs in many people who have suffered traumatic events in their lives. I would advise (if you haven't already) you to seek counseling for yourself. I am not saying you are schizophrenic, I only know of the one disorder, that PTSD causes, i'm certain there are others.
his dad just called me yelling at me saying my boyfriend was threatening to commit suicide
Again, this is a control mechanism, manipulate your victim into doing what you want them to do at any means . Your only concerns should be for the safety of your child and yourself. | |
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