| Divorce Etiquette
Posted: 1/13/2009 11:52:38 PM | Need responses from men and women....
I know a person who has dated a man for a few years, but has never met his friends or his family and is constantly kept from meeting them. She has explained that she is hurt that she is excluded from any events, but he continues to exclude her and rationalizes his reasons.
What insight would you give to your best friend if she told you this dilemma.
If she is exclusive with this person, when is the right time to meet some of his friends and their family or at least his adult children?
Looking for feedback....thanks | |
|
| Divorce Etiquette
Posted: 1/14/2009 1:43:37 AM | What has this got to do with divorce?
Anyway, before this gets deleted...
If she has been seeing him for years (since you said years, I'm going to assume atleast 2) and she hasn't met any of his friends and is excluded from events, then I say he doesn't consider them a "couple". If she is exclusive, she should have atleast his friends within a year. Definitely his family after a year and not be "excluded".
What can she do? Pretty much nothing.
She can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do and he doesn't want to include her in his circle of friends and family.
The only thing she can do is decided if she is willing to be his bit on the side or be with someone else that is willing to included her into his life. | |
|
| Divorce Etiquette
Posted: 1/14/2009 1:50:04 AM | | I'm not sure at all what this has to do with divorce, because obviously HE'S STILL MARRIED! There's no other reason to keep her excluded from his family, friends, and social events. | |
|
| Divorce Etiquette
Posted: 1/14/2009 6:48:09 AM | Something is definately going on here if she has been with him that long and hasn't met anyone. It would seem too me that within the first couple months she should have met some friends at least. By the time a year rolled around she should have met the family, even the most important one. (usually the last one you meet)
Something is not right here if he is unwilling to let her meet people in his life IMO. I would suggest too her she have a talk with him and ask why he don't/wont let her meet the people in his life. If he still doesn't, it's time to pack up and gooooooo.
One more question I have is; Do they go out on dates in his town or do they just stay in? If he doesn't want to go out with her, that would be a bad sign and a good indicator too  | |
|
| Divorce Etiquette
Posted: 1/14/2009 8:14:22 AM | | He's obviously hiding something. I'd be dying to know what it is. A wife? Girlfriend? He lied about who he is and what he does? If I were her, I wouldn't be sticking around to find out. But I'd be dying to know. | |
|
| Divorce Etiquette
Posted: 1/14/2009 8:21:36 AM | *****
From what I know (and have been told), it is suggested that one year of time should pass before it would be a good time to inroduce younger children (under 18) to the new partner (significant other) for emotional stability reasons.
Couple years is a little too long, but if they have been together that long, they should be able to talk about this in all honesty and find out why that is goin on.
It takes some people awhile to feel ok do this since they have gone through one failed marriage.
There must be some history to this to be this way. | |
|
| Divorce Etiquette
Posted: 1/14/2009 10:00:15 AM | | I'd guess he is NOT divorced. Not introducing you to kids or family is one thing but people you just hang out wiht? Something is fishy about that. | |
|
| Divorce Etiquette
Posted: 1/14/2009 3:28:26 PM | | hellooooo! she is not the one, but rather one of them. he is a player. i was with a girl for three years and her sister went through this for 20 years. well he died in a motorcyle accident. and the woman and his past life came out of the woodwork. if he ca'nt let her in the unner circle that is a sure sign of what is going on. do yourself a favor and help her out of something that is going to go no where. | |
|
| Divorce Etiquette
Posted: 1/14/2009 4:44:29 PM | If I were dating a man and never introduced to his friends or family, I'd probably dump his butt. I can tell you that I wouldn't date a guy for years, and not meet his friends or family. Two things come into mind, he's either wanted by the Mafia, or he's married.
As far as a time frame of meeting friends and family, if you've been exclusive for 6 months or longer, than it's time to meet the loved ones in his life. | |
|
| Divorce Etiquette
Posted: 1/14/2009 4:49:04 PM | I don't think it matters what his reasoning is. You can't have a relationship when you're excluded from half your partner's life. She is smartest to walk away and find someone who can be a real partner. The hurt of being excluded is nothing to the hurt and anger she'll feel when HE dumps HER, and she remembers she should have known better than to be treated that way in the first place.
Nutt | |
|
| Divorce Etiquette
Posted: 1/14/2009 5:24:11 PM |
I know a person who has dated a man for a few years, but has never met his friends or his family and is constantly kept from meeting them. She has explained that she is hurt that she is excluded from any events, but he continues to exclude her and rationalizes his reasons. How did she manage to date him that long then?
It's obvious that he doesn't consider her a g/f: he thinks they are FWB, or he's married (if they don't go out in his town)...anyway, she's not a long-term for him. get rid of that -- the sooner the better | |
|
| Divorce Etiquette
Posted: 1/14/2009 5:52:58 PM | OP,
You know the answer, you just don't want to believe it, Let me say this just once!!
HE's MARRIED and not getting divorced.
Long past time to walk girl!
Drop him, and drop your line back in POF  | |
|
| Divorce Etiquette
Posted: 1/14/2009 8:48:15 PM | | An important thing I did not mention, but thought it maybe would be understood when I titled it Divorce Etiquette is that this friend has been dating this divorced man for 3 years. Yes, she knows he is divorced and has seen his papers and he has his own residence, yet he continues to spend all the holidays with his ex-wife, grown children and his grandchildren. Thanks for any advice. I will pass it along to my girlfriend in hopes that your feedback can ease her troubled soul. | |
|
| Divorce Etiquette
Posted: 1/14/2009 8:53:01 PM | | He is definitely divorced. The fact that she is excluded from all events and meeting neither his friends or family, is the reason for most of the resentment and arguments because he continues to promise her that she will meet them and she believes him and she is continually let down. | |
|
| Divorce Etiquette
Posted: 1/14/2009 8:57:24 PM | | True that is why I believe too. Something is fishy...but my friend states that he continues to rationalize and make excuses for his behavior and she is just brokenhearted over it. She already saw his divorce papers and he has been divorced for about 3 years already, but can't seem to let his ex-wife go. His kids are grown and he has grandchildren. My friend is excluded from everything, even his grandchildren | |
|
| Divorce Etiquette
Posted: 1/14/2009 11:31:23 PM | I could understand being excluded from family stuff... especially if the ex still attends for the first year.
I would be mad if I hadn't been invited to meet friends sometime in the first year.
After the second year, I would expect to be invited to family events.
No one needs to feel like a dirty little secret.
She should be thinking more about how what this guy is doing is making her feel.
And then either quit whining or go find a happier situation. | |
|
| Divorce Etiquette
Posted: 1/15/2009 2:11:55 AM | I'm sorry to hear that you friend has been excluded. That stinks!
There are a lot of adult children who would embrace your friend and accept her as their father's significant other.
I don't understand why her boyfriend wouldn't invite her along to meet his family.
Could he be interested in reconciling with his ex?
Or is he trying to present himself as a martyr to his children?
Obviously this relationship between your friend and her partner has no future.
I mean, what does he plan to do? Introduce her to his family as the woman he's been seeing for the past FOUR years?
Probably not. Chances are that he has no intentions of ever introducing her to his family.
Doubt that he's told anyone about her either. If he had I'm sure they'd question him about her and be anxious to meet her.
What's he gonna do? Wait a few more years then shock everyone by sending out wedding invitations? Not likely.
Obviously this guy isn't ready to move on, and no one can make him. | |
|
| Divorce Etiquette
Posted: 1/15/2009 9:22:32 AM | It sounds like he's using her as a convenience because he's not still over his ex wife. He's definitely hiding something. The sooner she leaves him, the better off she will be.
A true relationship involves everyone-family, friends & children. He's keeping her separated from the rest of his life for a reason. If he is not keeping his word, he lacks integrity. Personally, a man without integrity is not even worth worrying about.
HR  | |
|
| Divorce Etiquette
Posted: 1/15/2009 9:27:09 AM | A few years and has never met his friends or family?????  can you say.....bye bye.... | |
|
| Divorce Etiquette
Posted: 1/15/2009 9:59:52 AM | OP, after a "few" years, I would wonder what he was hiding. Personally, after the first year, I would be wondering why I hadn't at least met his friends. Your friend needs to have a heart to heart talk with this guy and see what exactly their relationship is.
I see red flags all over this one. | |
|
| Divorce Etiquette
Posted: 1/16/2009 2:18:23 PM | I just remembered, I had a GF once that I wasn't allowed to attend the Family gatherings where her EX would attend. She said "he" couldn't take it. We got together with other family members Her kids and grand kids. After over a year of always comming in second....... I decided to move on. I really didn't like the feeling of being number two, and never getting to be number 1  | |
|
| Divorce Etiquette
Posted: 1/16/2009 4:29:06 PM | | Perhaps there is more under the surface....Get out while you can....sad but true.... | |
|
| Divorce Etiquette
Posted: 1/16/2009 5:02:25 PM | | He may be avoiding introducing her to people because he is married or involved in a relationship with someone else. Whatever the true situation, what he is doing is being very disrespectful to her. He is not acknowledging her in public. I can't imagine why she is still with someone who would treat her like this. He might be coming up with rationalizations for what he is doing but she needs to tell him this has to stop. I expect she feels too involved to risk it ending, but this is just too weird for any sane person to continue with. | |
|
| Divorce Etiquette
Posted: 1/17/2009 2:13:20 AM |
An important thing I did not mention, but thought it maybe would be understood when I titled it Divorce Etiquette is that this friend has been dating this divorced man for 3 years. Yes, she knows he is divorced and has seen his papers and he has his own residence, yet he continues to spend all the holidays with his ex-wife, grown children and his grandchildren. Thanks for any advice. I will pass it along to my girlfriend in hopes that your feedback can ease her troubled soul.
Wait a sec...three years? Three years and he is still having holidays with the ex-wife and and grown children and hasn't introduced her to anyone. Three years?
Wow. I'm really amazed this is even an issue to considered. I'm for one would be very interested in what your friend is going to do now.
Is there going to be a 4th year of being excluded? | |
|
| Divorce Etiquette
Posted: 1/17/2009 2:22:10 AM | This is what I would tell my friend!:
Hey dumb a$$, stop whining to me about this crap! I'm tired of you wanting me to live in your drama!
You have been dealing with it for 3 years now!
He obviously isn't going to make the changes you feel he should! So either deal with it like an adult, which means stop letting it bother you. Or move on and put him and the issue behind you!
Your happiness is up to you! So you need to do what is going to make you happy and stop expecting others to! | |
|
Home
login 
