| Too picky = Too dangerous?
Posted: 1/14/2009 3:17:45 PM | Do 'we' tend to be a little too picky and look too hard at a woman's flaws when in the initial dating period? If 'we' were to pretend she's ugly when we're on a first date and the more we withdraw, the more she'll chase? (use of reverse psychology)
It seems to me that this age of celebrity, beauty and wealth we're living in today has changed women a lot. Almost every girl out there has low self-esteem -- even the beautiful ones -- thanks to magazines and entertainment shows. And they show you how insecure they are right off the bat. But do I want some insecure girl as my potential wife?
So here's my question: Is there a way to date a woman and help her feel good about herself without having to kiss her butt and constantly reinforce her with positive feedback? | |
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| Too picky = Too dangerous?
Posted: 1/14/2009 3:23:51 PM | First off every human being has some type of insecurity about some perceived flaw or shortcoming.
I don't know what women you are meeting, but I know plenty of women with high self esteem. Now mine can be low at times, but overall it stays pretty high. And I don't need a man to feed my ego. It's pretty great on its own. I definitely don't need to chase a man so if he's playing hard to get then I don't want to get him. He's either attracted to me and wishes to be with me, or I'm on to find someone else. I don't have time for silly immature games.
Many women will ask a guy "do i look fat in this'' in order to get some positive remarks from him. Don't let it get to that point. If you tell her, ''hey wow that outfit looks great on you'' or ''you look pretty tonight'' then she's going to feel good and not have to worry about trying to get you to give her an ego boost. We all want to know that our partner/date/etc finds us attractive, but compliments and thinks like that should come naturally and be honest and truthful for them to really mean anything.
Now if you do find a ''too needy'' girl with low self esteem then run in the opposite direction because a woman (or man) like that will never be happy in any type of relationship. | |
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| Too picky = Too dangerous?
Posted: 1/14/2009 3:35:52 PM | If you withdraw using reverse psychology, she's more apt to think you're not interested - especially if she has a low self esteem-and she will look elsewhere. Just remember that every-one's confidence levels may differ day to day - depending on what is going on with their life. Just because she may not appear confident during that first hour, does not mean that will not be more confident the next time. Nervousness can do strange things to people.
I can't imagine either of the two men in my life kissing my butt but that didn't stop their nice, simple, sincere compliments every once in a while. I think everyone would like to hear "wow, you look wonderful tonight" or "you look so hot, wish we had time to hit the sheets right now" or "you feel wonderful" or something similar.
When in a relationship, I think its important to let the other person know that you still find them attractive....even if you've been together for 5 or 10 yrs. Just like I also believe in never taking your partner for granted. Little things like "thank you" can sometimes mean a lot. My hubby & I were together for 23 yrs. Up until his death at 46, I still found him hot...and he knew it.
OP....I will say that it would probably be is easier to keep a normal woman happy than it is a high maintenance one. Seems like the high maintenance ones are some of the most insecure ones. If that's your type....you may end up having to kiss her a$$ to keep reassuring her she's beautiful. Most normal women don't need constant reassurance. Sounds like you might be happier with more of a normal or average woman.
HR  | |
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| Too picky = Too dangerous?
Posted: 1/14/2009 3:57:04 PM | Don't short change yourself with reverse pschology bull shyt. Chasing is a f*cking game, it is when woman play it and when men play it too.
If you want a woman to know your into her don't tell her, show her. If you are thinking " I HAVE to kiss her butt" that reeks with insincerity.
Compliments are awesome, but do you mean them?
Men make the mistake thinking it is their job to make a woman more confidant. It doesn't work that way. Confidence is an inside job, not something you can get from outside things or people. If the woman is not receptive to the idea that she is insecure there is no place to begin to help her anyway. Most woman will not admit it but they act it out all over the place.
The strength a woman needs to overcome being insecure seldom has a lot to do with men any way. | |
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| Too picky = Too dangerous?
Posted: 1/14/2009 4:22:13 PM |
Almost every girl out there has low self-esteem -- even the beautiful ones -- thanks to magazines and entertainment shows
Their self-esteem isn't so low that they have become so desperate as to accept an invite from you or me or 5 million other men on here, so obviously they aren't that hard on themselves.  | |
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| Too picky = Too dangerous?
Posted: 1/14/2009 4:23:12 PM | | Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I once had a wonderful man take me by the hand and stand me in front of a mirror. He stood behind me with his hand on my shoulder & in a very quiet voice told me, “Look at yourself. You are perfect.” And through his eyes, I was. Don't get me wrong. I know I’m not perfect. I’m far from it. But right then I was the most beautiful women in the whole world. Tell her she's perfect. Tell her she's beautiful. Tell her you lover her. Tell her often. And then tell her again. | |
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| Too picky = Too dangerous?
Posted: 1/14/2009 4:33:42 PM |
Don't get me wrong. I know I’m not perfect. I’m far from it. But right then I was the most beautiful women in the whole world.
I think you have like a Helen Hunt meets Jodie Foster look going on...nothing wrong with that... 
Tell her you lover her. Tell her often. And then tell her again.
Heh...I think you missed the OP's point (or I did). My understanding is, he wants to know whether women exist that DO NOT require confirmation from their lovers, partners, etc.
But your saying they do?
This is what scares me about settling for someone I don't find overly attractive...having to lie every day of my life and tell her she's beautiful would probably drive me to drink (I find lying much much easier then) | |
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| Too picky = Too dangerous?
Posted: 1/14/2009 5:05:01 PM |
If 'we' were to pretend she's ugly when we're on a first date and the more we withdraw, the more she'll chase? (use of reverse psychology)
I don't know who gave you this horrible advice, but I would forget about it if you want a quality woman. That sh!t won't work with anyone who has half a brain. If a guy decides to play some type of stupid game with me, I'm outta there. If you want us, you'd better act like it and give us plenty of attention.
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| Too picky = Too dangerous?
Posted: 1/14/2009 5:07:06 PM | A woman (or man, for that matter) with very poor self-esteem will be a black hole of neediness that all the compliments in the world can never fill. If nothing you do or say ever seems to be enough, she needs some time with a good therapist before she is ready for a relationship.
On the other hand, a sincere compliment never hurts. We all like to hear good things about ourselves.
Knowing that someone likes you for who you are, rather than what you look like, goes a long way toward establishing trust and a feeling of security in a relationship. Of course we want to feel beautiful, but I would say it is more important to feel valued as a person.
I assume you are smart enough not to do things that tend to perpetuate a negative self-image, like putting a great deal of importance on appearance, looking at other women when you are with her, mentioning all the wonderful attributes your ex or other women have, or drawing attention to her shortcomings.
I would not recommend playing a "reverse psychology" game. But if you are too eager, it can come off as desperate or lecherous. There is nothing flattering about being wanted for sex and nothing attractive about being clung to or stalked. | |
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| Too picky = Too dangerous?
Posted: 1/14/2009 5:14:39 PM | | Hi beefman. You are correct, I guess I didn't exactly answer the question. Yes there are many women who do not NEED to be told they are wonderful. Not everyone has low self-esteem. But EVERY women LIKES to be told she's beautiful by someone who truly believes it. It's just the way were're made. | |
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| Too picky = Too dangerous?
Posted: 1/14/2009 6:02:18 PM | | I would be MORE picky about personal habits and the way someone lives before I would be overly picky about "flaws". We all have flaws. Men and women. I think people just do not take the time to really get to know someone, they are so fast to judge someone on certain things. I have high self esteem, however I am very comfortable with who I am and what I represent. Sure, I want to fix a few things about me, like drop 23 more pounds, get a little more buff and I wish I was farther along in College than I am. But if someone cannot take me the way I am, they can take a long walk of a short pier. Using reverse Psychology MAY work on someone with no brain or common sense. Just man up, be who you are and treat the woman the way you would treat her tomorrow and the next day. If someone is that insecure, I can tell you I would not be dating them. There is more going on there than you can see, if someone is that insecure. I had a guy a year ago, after I went thru a whole slew of crap with a bad situation send me a text message "BUT DID YOU AT LEAST FIND ME ATTRACTIVE?" They have counseling for people with those issues. I do not have time for that shit. | |
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| Too picky = Too dangerous?
Posted: 1/14/2009 6:11:19 PM | Having low self-esteem is deeper than just the beauty in the outside. Why do you think super models and celebrities continuously having endless cosmetic surgeries? Low self-esteem may have been instilled by others but must be cured by oneself!
Low self-esteem is one red flag that makes me run fast and far. Jealousy, accusations, arguments follow the trait. Unless she has other shining qualities, nothing you can do to assure her, so run..sorry.
kdwildflowers puts it very well. | |
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| Too picky = Too dangerous?
Posted: 1/14/2009 6:14:32 PM | I think men and women can be picky and why not we deserve the best...tho whats best for one is not for the other...!
yes women have a lot to live up to with the skinny lasses around...roll back to the day when men thought marilyn monroe and sophie lauren where beautifull....womenly busty women who had it all going on.....
When will we see its about the whole package and there's no such thing as 10/10....
Men are starting to feel it with all the stunning torso's from the world of sport taking over advertising
Some women are independant like myself ...not needy and confident...but like all women like my partner to compliment if he wishes and i do in return...infact my ex told me ......." it would be nice if now and again you gave me a compliment"
i took it in my stride and occasionally when he wasn't expecting it would give one. | |
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| Too picky = Too dangerous?
Posted: 1/14/2009 6:22:42 PM | Everybody is an expert on here it seems...
even me...hahaha! 
Date a woman who feels good about her OWN self
Yup! Confidence IS sexy. | |
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| Too picky = Too dangerous?
Posted: 1/15/2009 1:24:35 AM |
If 'we' were to pretend she's ugly when we're on a first date and the more we withdraw, the more she'll chase? (use of reverse psychology)
Do you really need more chasing?
There is more than one type of person in this world. What kind of person do you think you would get with that dating technique?
In other words... what else do you think is wrong with someone who wastes their time on people who treat them badly or think they are ugly?
Is there a way to date a woman and help her feel good about herself without having to kiss her butt and constantly reinforce her with positive feedback?
I think everyone is going to share insecurities with their significant other.
Even the most confident will show a few chinks in their armour as you get to know them.
The average person enjoys sincere ego stroking here and there.... and if you're attracted to them, they deserve to hear the compliments you are thinking said out loud.
If they're blabbing how fat they are on a first date or they can never say thank you to a compliment.... you might just want to move on to the next person. Or maybe have a serious talk with them. | |
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| Too picky = Too dangerous?
Posted: 1/15/2009 7:29:11 AM | "Many women will ask a guy "do i look fat in this'' in order to get some positive remarks from him. Don't let it get to that point. If you tell her, ''hey wow that outfit looks great on you'' or ''you look pretty tonight'' then she's going to feel good and not have to worry about trying to get you to give her an ego boost. We all want to know that our partner/date/etc finds us attractive, but compliments and thinks like that should come naturally and be honest and truthful for them to really mean anything."
I agree with is 100% and we women need to learn how to take a compliment. Not the "Thank you but..." leave out the but, just say thank you and mean it. I have a hard time with this. I usually say something like "thanks but I don't see it" or when someone thinks I'm hot I usually respond with " No I'm more like luke warm" Ok I've rambled enough, you get my point lol. So if men and women both do the same I think it will help a lot, I know it's working for me  | |
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| Too picky = Too dangerous?
Posted: 1/15/2009 8:06:17 AM | Even the most confident woman in the world has insecurities about herself.
And every woman wants to be told by the person she cares about that he finds her attractive/lovable/intelligent. And while, yes, you are sleeping with us and that should clue us in, sometimes it's nice to hear it.
You don't even have to SAY it. You could always just show us...you know, by touching our faces before you kiss us sensually.
TDA | |
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| Too picky = Too dangerous?
Posted: 1/15/2009 8:24:26 AM | "Is there a way to date a woman and help her feel good about herself without having to kiss her butt and constantly reinforce her with positive feedback?"
Smile. Listen. No, I mean REALLY listen. Be interested.
Sheesh, this ain't rocket science. | |
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| Too picky = Too dangerous?
Posted: 1/15/2009 10:36:49 PM | | I don't know what women you have been dating, but I do not have low self-esteem. My self-esteem does not come from my looks though. My parents gave me my looks, so I really can't take credit for them. My self-esteem comes from accomplishing goals in my life. Why not notice a woman's talents? Looks will fade, but what is inside will last forever. | |
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| Too picky = Too dangerous?
Posted: 1/16/2009 3:52:55 AM | Once again, I thank you all for your views and thoughts and interpretations expressed in words and put in this forum post.
We all see things in our own ways and I have gotten a good insight in this thought process from you all.
Thank you,
Charlie Brown. | |
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