| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 1:35:23 PM | Hi there,
So, I am living with my boyfriend, we've been together a little less than a year, and he has been unemployed for the last 4.5 months. He quit his job to pursue his career (he has a business degree) and had some money saved up for the first 2 months or so...after that, I got him a job for a few weeks working for a family friend, and now I am paying his rent, my rent, both of our contributions for cable & hydro...plus, I bought 98% of the Christmas presents and wrote both of our names on all of them.
He just finished taking a course with a business resource centre for a week, and now he is back to sending off resumes. I asked him last night what his plan was now that the course is over, and he said he would start looking into the places he wants to be employed at. I say "So, when do you think you'll have a job?" and he starts talking about all the other people in his class, and how fast they are getting jobs...which is basically him avoiding saying when he will get a job. So, I am like: "Have you decided if you are gonna get something in the meantime, like you were talking about the other day? Like go work at a pub until you find the right position, or..." and he avoids the question again by saying: "Mmmm well, I'd have to get an evening position..." and basically that's it...So, I am like: "So, how much longer do you think?" and he says "i dunno, a couple weeks?"
So...now that you have the background...what do I do? I make decent money, but I can't pay off my student loans while I am supporting him...and my paycheques are usually gone within the first 3 days of me getting them because I have to pay 2x as much for everything. I want to start going to the gym again...but I have no money for a pass. I love him. I don't want to leave him, but what kind of an approach do I take to this?
I want to be supportive, and understanding, as I know there is a recession and it is a little more difficult to land the perfect position, but don't you think he should just find whatever he can in the meantime?? To take some pressure off of me?
What do I say?
Thank you for all of your comments! | |
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| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 1:41:03 PM | What does he do with his time? Is he considerate at all about the fact that you are supporting him and helping out with the things that don't cost money..or is he sitting around playing computer games/video games all day?
Eitherway I think he should be out getting what ever he can get until the right job comes along. I wouldn't put up with this behaviour for long.. | |
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| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 1:46:09 PM | Check all the threads on "Stepping Stones"
Stepping stones are there for them 100%....no sense in it though..read your thread like it was someone else who wrote it..then ask...Is this person a STEPPING STONE?
I see him leaving once he lands a job...You served your purpose..he will go on. | |
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| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 1:53:50 PM | This is a hard one. It is really, really, going to have to depend upon how long you are willing to wait for his world to come around for him.
My first reaction however, is that if it means working at the mall, or a drive through, or even a grocery store while he's pursuing his dream job, then that's what he needs to be willing to do.
I am wondering if you have expressed all that you did here, to him? Does he realize how strained you feel financially and how this situation he's placed you in (as a couple) is bothering you? If not, that discussion probably needs to take place.
I hate to say this but with the US economy being what it is combined with the hundreds of thousands of recent lay-offs, he's going to have to get seriously moving on the job search. This means spending 24/7 pounding the pavement and being aggressive in his search. Sending out resumes is not going to cut it. In this time of cutbacks, having any kind of job means you'll be able to count yourself as fortunate.
Hmmm....I guess this really isn't the best of answers in how to help you. But truly, I hope all works out well for you. Sometimes you need to just think of yourself first. It's financial survival. | |
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| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 1:58:37 PM | | When people look for jobs there are 2 categories of the. First, those who do everything they can (if he is in that group) give him extra time. Second, those who give impression that they look for a job (but do not do it to the full of their ability/extend). If he is in the second group I would have another serious talk with him. | |
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| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 2:05:55 PM | Picked a right one there didnt you.
Might be a good idea for him to move back home for awhile and stay with mummy and daddy take some pressure of the relationship if he cant be bothered getting a job .
He should take anything if he didnt have you he would have 2
Hes a very lucky boy having you thats all i can say .
You didnt say he loves you and you didnt say he thanks you for what your doing for him and how much he appreciates you .
Having said that its hard to know when your going to land a job .
i have a degree in common sense
Common sense should tell him he needs to find any job and quickly because the relationship will fall apart under that much stress. | |
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| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 2:08:24 PM | Wait a minute, you are paying all his bills because??? 
Consider someone who would let you pay all their bills while they were being dishonest with you and avoiding your concerns, and letting you get behind in your bills, consider who and what this person is and then ask yourself....What the fluck am I doing?!?!
I just paid attention to your user name and I'm not sure why you are happy to be taken, because you are surely being taken, and I doubt he's done taking nor will he be giving back, his hand is permanently held out and you are going to be giving till you have nothing left then he will need to find someone with more income, so he can take some more. You are being used, he doesn't respect you, doesn't respect himself and I highly doubt you are going to respect your choices when he's bled you dry. | |
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| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 2:17:15 PM | | How old is this guy? You are only 21 and in no position to be supporting him. I'd give him 2 weeks to find some level of employment then make him go home to Mom. | |
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| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 2:22:47 PM | | He QUIT his job to pursue his career!!! He didn't get laid-off or anything like that. Would he pay your bills if you did that? Do you have enough money saved in case you get unemployed? Be careful with this...times are too scary now to play around with your own security. | |
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| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 2:23:10 PM | Happy, most likely your bf will not look for a job as long as you are paying his bills. He used a class as an excuse to quit working. Let me just say that the last semester I was in school, I worked full and part time, was in school full time, and still managed to coach my daughter's cheerleading squad (which one night a week was practice and one night was basketball games). Yes, I was getting up very early and studying and doing my homework before I got ready to work and I still managed to graduate with a 3.8 GPA.
So, tell me why a grown man cannot manage to work while he is in school? He can, but he won't. You are supporting him. He has no reason to get a job with you paying his bills for him. I'd almost bet money on it that if you told him you have expenses you need to pay for yourself next month and can't pay his, he might start looking. It may sound cold and you may love him, but there comes a time when you need to give him an ultimatum. Either he start looking for a job or you're done. Don't let him use your love as a way to manipulate you into supporting him. If he's got any balls or self-respect, then he'll get off his ass and look for a job and support himself. Oh, then ask him when he will be paying you back.   | |
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| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 2:24:36 PM | | yes he should be slinging hash at the diner if that's all he can get. if he is unwilling to stoop so low, send his ass back home to live with his parents. if he were only out of work for a month or so, i'd understand but you're way too young and you have nothing to gain, not to mention no responsibility to support him for that long. | |
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| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 2:30:35 PM | WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
You are in a good situation right now. I am being dead serious here.
What if you were married? What if you had children together?
He needs to work. Every man and woman should work. If a family agrees that one spouse should stay home to raise the kids, that's fine. You need to be aware that if you were married right now, you would be legally responsible for any bills that he racked up.
GET OUT! That's my advice. But if you decide to stay, he must get a job within two weeks. If you are on the lease, he goes. If he signed the lease, you need to find a roomie to move into with. Start looking now. He's a bum! | |
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| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 2:33:43 PM | I hope you have a great relationship with your parents so you can move back with them, why I don't see you guys lasting , If Im a betting man I say you will be history by Thanksgiving, he will find a job, earn serious money and he will leave you.
He's taking advantage of you and you're walking around with your eyes open but you're not seeing. | |
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| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 2:36:32 PM | Your moaning that you can't afford the gym, quit pestering your boyfriend and go and get another job yourself while he pursues his career.
WOMEN! they want it all their own way. | |
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| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 2:42:44 PM | I have had this experience time and time again, when living with a boyfriend.
It is my place, he promises to help pay the bills, and nothing!! I won't live together anymore, because in each case, I am working 2 jobs, paying the bills while his dead weight is on the couch watching TV all day. I like the one excuse "I can't work cause of my back". Hey--I have Scoliosis, OsteoArthritis, and a pinched L3 nerve. I am like a weather lady. I know when we will have rain, humidity, or even a bad winter cause I hurt. I have been having shooting pains all winter, yet I will work a 12 hour day. | |
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| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 2:53:57 PM | Dear happyntaken,
My first question would be to you; Can you afford to live there on your own?
From what you said..I believe you can. So, now that his last answer to your questions was: "A few weeks" give him those weeks. At the same time, prepare to ask him to leave if he doesn't at least take on some kind of work for pay. Introduce him to the idea to live back home (or somewhere else) until he has his path secured ( be nice). Just don't be a doormat for him.
You have given all you need to, plus more, it's his turn to admit it and start helping. There's nothing more to discuss after his 'few' (3) weeks have ended.
It's sad you have to treat him as a child but sometimes 'tough love' is a wake up call.
If you go through with telling him this..stick to it. Idle threats won't get you anywhere positive.
Many times when a woman is way to helpful a man learns to become independent oh her. You need to undo this if your concern is serious.
The only statement that confuses me is why the gym membership is so important with regard to this situation> why not lure him into exercising with you (under the covers) give him some inspiration to want to stay there with you. Many calories have been shed there.
Could work wonders...
I wish you well with this.
ABB = ) | |
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| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 2:57:34 PM | Not really sure I understand why people are saying to dump him. I mean, he's working toward his career, is he not? This means he's actually DOING something with himself, he's not just sitting on his ass all day, yes?
I understand, OP, that this is financially taxing for you. As such, stress to him that he NEEDS some sort of income to help with the bills, and that you'll give him X amount of weeks to do so. Once that deadline is up, cut the financial line to his bills, and let him sink or swim on his own. At this point, he's just floating until he gets his career off the ground, but you can't be supporting him financially without a burden on yourself, so until it happens, he at least needs to get something part time to get some cash flowing. | |
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| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 3:06:19 PM | | When someone is working towards their career, they take full responsibility of where it may take them. That is, if I want to go back to school, I make sure I can afford it. Or that I am willing to do the other neccesary things to take me there. So, I have to say that he is using you. He either contributes to the situation right away or gets a job and is on his own. You are not his mama. And quite frankly you should not have allowed this to happen. | |
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| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 3:12:38 PM | [Not really sure I understand why people are saying to dump him. I mean, he's working toward his career, is he not? This means he's actually DOING something with himself, he's not just sitting on his ass all day, yes?]
Grey, did you not read the part in her post that said he finished his class? It was his decision to quit his job to "pursue his career." If he didn't have enough money to support this, then he had no business quitting work. Obviously, he did not plan things very well. He should have taken evening or on-line classes while he was still working.
Did you also see where she is paying HIS RENT and HERS, not to mention all of HIS other bills besides her own.
For the poster who said she should get another job if she wanted to join the health club, guess you're hold very similar views as her bf. They are NOT married and she owes him NO financial obligations. | |
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| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 3:17:23 PM | I really don't know what to tell you as I am more or less in the same boat. I live with my daughter, her boyfriend and their 20 month old baby. She had been staying home to take care of the baby. Me and the boyfriend working to pay the bills. He lost his job 4 months ago(his fault 100%) and hasn't done anything to find another job. She has been working part time. It is hard as we (I? somebody?) is a month behind on everything except rent. So I do have an idea of what you are going through. She is 21 and he is 22. She makes a lot of excuses for him.
I don't think nagging him will make him get a job any faster. On the other hand he can't wait for the perfect position, he needs to take what ever job he can find for now.
All you can do is once again, talk to him calmly and let him know the facts. You just don't make enough money to pay for everything, and he must get some sort of job, NOW!!! | |
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| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 3:17:51 PM | ha I think im the only one that noticed hydro?
he doesnt have a job yet still smokes? and you are ok paying for this?
take the hydro away and see how fast he finds a damn job, tell him you cant afford it anymore.
He will find a job in 2.3 seconds. | |
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| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 3:21:22 PM | Hi all. I hope you don't mind but I think I will troll for a while (as in fishing).
Looking for a good looking woman (an older version of the OP would be fine) that makes good money and is willing to pay my way through life so I can pursue a career in...
Hmmm. I am not sure yet. Maybe she can support me while I go back to school. I would like that. I think I would like to take Engineering. I am sure they would give me credit for my past studies to cover the first year, maybe two.
So someone to support me for two years would be fine. I promise to get a job right away after I graduate. Well at least after I take some time off to unwind. I did some teaching so I know how hard things are for students.
Any takers? | |
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| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 3:22:41 PM | You said you love him. Do you really? if you do then do what you must.
I was in one of those mad love relationships for 5 years with a gorgeous attorney. He took me all over the country because i suited his needs, it made his colleagues happy.
MY pont it this.. I have no point. when you are in love everything goes out the windows. I just hope you land in the land of sense. | |
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