| Should your ex answer your calls?
Posted: 1/17/2009 9:05:37 PM | Hi everyone,
I have two young children by my ex, ages 1 and 3. My ex has a cell phone that's paid for by his work, but it's partly to enable him to take work-related calls any time. He has unlimited minutes and uses his cell as his personal phone.
Quite often, i'd say about one out of every two or three calls I make to him he doesn't answer. Yes, he has call display. And I call him very infrequently, like maybe not even once a day on average. Remember we have two very little kids together. It makes me think of the possibility of not being able to get hold of him if there was an emergency.
Both our kids have been sick this past week, and our baby is still sick. She threw up a little bit of blood yesterday (maybe one teaspoon) and I called him and he didn't really seem too concerned. He has not called me since to ask about her and he isn't answering his phone. This is what he does.
What do you think of this behaviour? | |
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| Should your ex answer your calls?
Posted: 1/17/2009 9:15:12 PM | I think he should take the call considering it's about his child and if your not trying to get him back or throw things in his face, than he should be mature and talk to you about what's happending with his kid and if his kid is alright.
Maybe if his voice mail picks up if you call once more...Maybe you should tell him...
"Look even if we may not be on good terms, it doesn't mean you have to ignore my phone calls and i was calling to let you know that your child has been sick this week and shes been throwing up blood"
Good luck "pher" | |
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tlm92
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Joined: 4/5/2008
Msg: 3 | |
| Should your ex answer your calls?
Posted: 1/17/2009 9:34:34 PM | He sounds cold, uncaring and distant and like he doesn't want to hear from you about anything.
I assume at this point that you two are divorced as I did not look at your profile. Divorced or separated from him.....either way, get used to doing it all alone by yourself without him. There's no way you can force him to participate in the rearing and caring of his kids so like it or not and accept it or not.....YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN... | |
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| Should your ex answer your calls?
Posted: 1/17/2009 9:34:35 PM | Perhaps you can stop calling him altogether unless it's a concern for the kids. calling everyday isn't necessarily. He may think you're calling him cuz you miss him or want to bug him. It doesn't matter if his phone is being paid by his work or whatnot.
It is too bad he's not that concerned but perhaps he thinks you have it under control? yes, it would be nice to have him ask about his kids, but since he doesn't, it's too bad for him.
You need to realize that you have no control over him. As much as you want him involved in his kids lives, you can't, it's up to him alone to make that effort. You can let him know there's an open door for him to be with the kids if he wants but otherwise you'll let it be and let him choose to call and interact with his kids.
I hope the first person you called was the doctor's, and then informing your ex of what happened. | |
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| Should your ex answer your calls?
Posted: 1/17/2009 9:37:17 PM | | Maybe if you didn't call him almost every day, he would know when you did it was important. You are probably calling him way too much about things not important, and likely not just about your kids, so when he sees your name on his call display he does not want to speak to you. You are forgetting his phone IS for work and he likely does not want to abuse it, even though YOU think he also uses it for all personal calls. If you cry wolf enough, when it really counts he won't know that it does. Back off calling him so much and stick to only calling him when you NEED to discuss something regarding your kids - that is probably not the case right now. | |
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| Should your ex answer your calls?
Posted: 1/17/2009 9:38:55 PM | | He may just be busy- honestly. You can leave a voicemail, correct? Do you have another way to contact him? | |
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| Should your ex answer your calls?
Posted: 1/17/2009 9:45:01 PM | | i think you should definatly get used to it. if you haven't figured it out by now, he ain't there. doesn't want to be. has something more interesting going on (to his way of thinking anyway). you want him to care, because he should. yes, but in the end you need to be the one that handles it and the sooner you realize not to waste time on his reaction to whatever the situation is and handle it yourself, the better off you will be. been there done that. | |
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| Should your ex answer your calls?
Posted: 1/17/2009 9:45:22 PM | | He's your EX for a reason. Collect your child support and stop bugging him. You're lucky he still takes any of your calls. | |
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| Should your ex answer your calls?
Posted: 1/17/2009 10:12:49 PM | I think that the only time you should call him is in an emergency. If baby is puking blood and in the hospital. 3yr old breaks his arm...call dad. Until that happens, save any news you want to share with him for when he comes to see the kids.
I only dial my ex's # if the kids would like to speak with him and they have asked to call him.
On another hand...if baby is puking blood the first person to call is the dr...not your ex. He is no longer a hand you can hold. | |
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| Should your ex answer your calls?
Posted: 1/17/2009 10:34:40 PM | Hi everyone, thanks for your responses.
I only ever call him to return his calls, organize kid access, and deal with court stuff (he has taken me to court recently trying to get out of child support, etc. (which didn't work)). I don't bug him at all, in fact, I hate talking to him. The maybe one call per day is an average - some days there may be none, some days there may be two or three (like when you have to check your calendar and get back to them or something).
He called back - he's in Chilliwack for the entire weekend at a "curling bonspiel" aka drinking party. He didn't even tell me, even when he has a sick baby.
I just wish he cared about his kids more. I could NEVER go away for the wknd and leave my sick baby.
By the way, he has two other kids with his first wife, who left him for all the selfish reasons I now see. | |
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| Should your ex answer your calls?
Posted: 1/17/2009 11:25:45 PM | Stop calling him! It seems to me that you are gonna have to get used to being a single mother. Making decisions and caring for the kids on your own. If he is that uninterested in his children I would only call him in case of an emergency...if he doesn't answer leave a message and take care of the kid business. If he wants to see the kids then he can be responsible for calling you. It is a shame that a father doesn't want to be involved with his kids but you have left him for a reason.
You are definately gonna have to be the grown up in this situation and will have to deal with all the hard questions that your children will ask as they grow up wondering why daddy doesn't love them....because he is selfish. I'm sorry about your situation OP....It sucks! | |
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| Should your ex answer your calls?
Posted: 1/18/2009 12:37:04 AM | I don't expect my ex to pick up everytime I call him, I just him to return my call within a timely manner, especially if it is due to a sick child. I know I don't always pick up the phone, even if I am around because I am busy and figure the same thing. I would rather he ignore my call for a bit then answer it frustrated about being interrupted etc.
Also as far as the baby being sick, men often just don't get as worried as us moms do, and that is actually good, because there is times where a man's coolheadedness can help make one think through what steps to take next. Such as if my baby vomits blood, I call the dr enroute to the clinic to be checked, I don't call my ex. My ex didn't show up when my son was 3 and being knocked out for an MRI, in his thoughts, I was there and it was being dealt with by the experts. He didn't ask about him for close to 2 weeks, because he thought if something bad showed up I would have called him. I don't think it is a lack of caring, just a lack of sense. The reality of it was the calls would have been for my comfort, my son was fine, it was me that was a basketcase, and his job of being my comforter ended when the marriage ended.
IF it was a true emergency my message reflects that and he calls right back after getting the call. As well if a real emergency I call his sister and tell her to get ahold of him for me. When my dd was molested this summer, he called me back almost immediately, where as when she cracked her elbow he didn't call for almost a week, because my message basically told him what happened, but it had already been dealt with kwim. I think sometimes when men aren't with their kids all the time they just don't think about following up after the "crisis" is over. | |
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| Should your ex answer your calls?
Posted: 1/18/2009 12:37:49 AM |
I just wish he cared about his kids more. I could NEVER go away for the wknd and leave my sick baby.
If wishes were nickels we'd all be rich lol
I hate to state the obvious, but He isn't You.
My bf and I were just discussing the differences in the way men and women's minds work.
He says that men are more logical and rational in their thinking process...and women are more emotional.
I quickly pointed out a flaw in his logic....women are *generally* universally the same in their thought processes and feelings, whereas men continually fu*k up.
That probably didn't help any but it was meant to reconfirm that your ex is a selfish, yet typical man...no matter what you wish or would do, he will continually be a disappointment to you. | |
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| Should your ex answer your calls?
Posted: 1/18/2009 1:35:33 AM | I would also agree that perhaps you are making phone calls that are not absolutely necessary and you must also understand that you two are never going to parent or think the same way about your children. He is not obligated to tell you where he is at all times and he is not obligated to answer your phone calls either.
He may not have been concerned about the baby because he trusts your ability to mother your own children, knows that you will keep in contact with the doctor's office and provide care for your child when it is necessary. Throwing up blood in and of itself is not cause for alarm because it easy to break the tiny blood vessels and is not indicative of internal bleeding or something else that is more serious than a child who has contracted some type of virus.
If his phone has a text feature and you can text him that there is a bona fide emergency with the child, unless he is out of cell phone range, he will know if there is an emergency. If not, I suggest you determine a method for contacting him in case of an emergency and also consider whether all of the phone calls you make to him are really necessary or if it is possible to jot things down and combine phone calls.
You cannot change him. Whether you agree with his decisions doesn't matter. You do your job as a parent and you facilitate his relationship with his kids, period. | |
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| Should your ex answer your calls?
Posted: 1/18/2009 1:40:33 AM | I don't think so much of the behavior at all.
When you're a parent, you take every call. Because you just never know when it's something really big. And when you've got small children in the house, every call if potentially something really big.
But if he won't even call to check on his sick daughter, then there are bigger issues here than not taking your calls. Wow.
Hope the little one is feeling much, much better. | |
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| Should your ex answer your calls?
Posted: 1/18/2009 3:47:54 AM |
Throwing up blood in and of itself is not cause for alarm because it easy to break the tiny blood vessels and is not indicative of internal bleeding or something else that is more serious than a child who has contracted some type of virus. You know what, if my 1yr old threw up blood, I couldn't give two hoots how common that is or how easy it is to break blood vessels. I would be alarmed and I would want to know exactly what was going on before I was no longer alarmed. And if my ex rang me and told me our 1yr old had thrown up blood whilst in his care, he would have me on his doorstep in an instant; never mind keeping in touch by phone. And if the situation were reversed, I know he would do the same.
I agree that some parents just don't want a high level of involvement in their children's lives and whilst I can't understand it, I do accept that is the reality. My ex takes every call from me, no matter how many times I call. That is because he is interested in his kids and knows I would only call if it were something I know he wants to hear.
So personally, I think a father not following up when his baby has vomitted blood is pretty disturbing. | |
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| Should your ex answer your calls?
Posted: 1/18/2009 6:18:19 AM | I think that you can't control your ex's behavior and as such, you shouldn't stress yourself over it.
If there is an emergency, call him, leave a message and take care of your kids.
If he responds, great. If not - that's HIS loss.
You are looking to get validation that he's wrong and you really need to ask yourself why you need that.
Is he wrong? Well, really, we don't know, because we only have your side of things and your word that you only call him infrequently and in regards to the kids. You maybe be 100% honest... or not. Sometimes we don't see our behaviors as others do. He may feel like you call constantly (I know how little kids are - it seems like they are sick or hurt constantly).
You need to let him go. He is required to provide financial support for those children. He is not required (by law) to care when they are sick or to answer your phone calls. The sooner you accept that and let it go, the sooner your life will have less stress in it. | |
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| Should your ex answer your calls?
Posted: 1/18/2009 7:14:26 AM | Leave him a detailed message if he does not pick up the phone. But unless the children are with him I do not see any reason for contact. If there is an emergency learn to take care of it on your own. You are a single parent and cannot make him be more responsive. Your daughter is coughing up blood? Take her to the Dr, Leave him a message and deal with the situation on your own. He is an adult and can decide for himself what he wants to take seriously. You are not his secretary and you cannot control his actions. I cannot think of ANY reason for you to be calling this man as much as you seem to. Daily or every other day when you have custodial custody????
WHY?
My Ex calls my home 3 times a day, mostly because he is traveling for work and bored. I do not pick it up at all but let the kids do so. I have no reason to talk to him, my kids are healthy and doing well in school and sports. They are very happy kids. So I have absolutely nothing to say to him. If he needs information on the children he is able to schools etc by himself or ask them directly. | |
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| Should your ex answer your calls?
Posted: 1/18/2009 7:19:11 AM | "I call him very infrequently, like maybe not even once a day on average. "
Once a day is far from infrequently for an ex to be calling to talk to the other ex. Now calling one or two time a day to talk to the kids is not a problem. He is not taking your calls because he does not want to talk to you. Don't be the boy who cried wolf. He sees it is you calling and likely thinks "not her again". Now if you were to limit your calls to cordination of visits and real issues with the kids (not every day issues) he would likely take you calls. Say one call a week or less. When my ex calls my home I don't take it, but let the kids pick it up. I don't want to talk to her about anything other then visits and if she is going to take them or not. I pass copies of report cards and other imformation to her when she picks up the kids, but we don't talk to each other about them. Why, because I don't like talking to her. | |
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| Should your ex answer your calls?
Posted: 1/18/2009 7:57:26 AM | Plan your week ahead of time. Your kids are young so I'm sure they don't have activities that have to be planned around. Get a calendar going, if it's visits or child care or what not, then it should all be planned out. Just because you have 2 young kids, there's still no reason to be calling him everyday or even every other day.
As for your sick daughter, I agree that he should take more interest, but what exactly do you want him to do? If he knows she is safe with you and you have it covered, then why should he stand in waiting for days in case you call?
He called back - he's in Chilliwack for the entire weekend at a "curling bonspiel" aka drinking party. He didn't even tell me, even when he has a sick baby.
If the baby is with you, and he knows you have his number, then why should he tell you everytime he goes somewhere. Your ex's for a reason, it means you no longer communicate every day and tell each other everything. Whether you think he's gone to a "drinking party" or not, it's none of your business or your concern anymore.
Take carols advice and learn to deal with the situation on your own. Call the dad, leave him a message if something happens to the kids and take care of it yourself. If your daughter needs to go to the doctors, then take her. If my kids need to see a doctor, my husband stays at work (unless it's something major), there's no need for both parents to be there. Keep him in the loop, and if he doesn't want to be there, then so be it. You can't force him. | |
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| Should your ex answer your calls?
Posted: 1/18/2009 8:32:15 AM | Quit calling your ex! Learn to deal with your children on your own BECAUSE you ARE on your own! Yes, your kids are very young, but they are safe with you, right? You are a mother & know how to handle your own kids....I would hope!
Calling an ex "almost" every day is NOT necessary! You worry about his not taking your call in case of an emergency......then ONLY call him when there IS an emergency!
No one wants to hear from their ex every day or even once a week for that matter! NEVER hearing from an ex is even better :) | |
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| Should your ex answer your calls?
Posted: 1/18/2009 8:36:56 AM | | OP, take care of your kids to the best of your ability. If that means taking them to the doctor or hospital on your own, then do it. An infant throwing up blood is serious and can't wait on when your ex decides to answer his phone. If he chooses not to participate, you can't force him. Just go about your daily life without expecting anything from him. Any parent that would ignore that kind of message, about your child, doesn't deserve to be in the picture. Just accept the fact that you are on your own. | |
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| Should your ex answer your calls?
Posted: 1/19/2009 4:19:02 AM | | Leave him a voice mail message with details as to why you're calling. The rest is up to him but you've at least done your part. If he chooses not to call back or respond, then it's solely on his shoulders, not yours. You gotta do what you gotta do for you and your kids... he's an ex for a reason and it appears he can't handle the pressure of being a parent himself. So try not to take on responsibility/guilt that is not yours... make initial contact - leave a message - and take care of the situation. His lack of response is HIS problem. You can't MAKE a guy be a dad..... | |
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| Should your ex answer your calls?
Posted: 1/19/2009 7:59:54 AM | I think your title question "Should your ex answer your calls" is too general and vague.
Yes, my ex either answers my calls or calls me back very quickly after he receives my message. I call him with regards to our son (who is also a baby) and because he's a very involved parent with him, he "wants" to hear how he's doing, how his day went, if his cold is getting better, etc. I give him the respect of transferring information that "I" would want to have if he was the one caring for our son 99% of the time. And he appreciates it. (And states such.)
Some exes will NOT be like that. Some won't care, some will assume you're calling for extraneous reasons.......
It's a "situational" thing, and everyone will react differently. | |
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