| | Would You Need to Know Why? Page 1 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) | I have a friend. His gf broke up with him 4 years ago. She never told him why.
To this day he is still toiling over it. He still wants to rehash the end of that relationship and wonders why she didn't want to see him anymore. He goes over endlessly what she did, he did, she said, he said. It makes me crazy.
If I was with a man and he said he didn't want to see me anymore that would be enough said. I would not beg for an explanation.
My question is: How important would it be for you to know the reason WHY someone decided to end things with you? Is it enough to know they don't want to be with you? | |
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| Would You Need to Know Why?
Posted: 1/20/2009 2:08:33 PM | For me it is enough to know they don't want to be with me, EXCEPT in cases where they SAY one thing and act completely different.
Otherwise, you don't want to be with me? Eh your loss. | |
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| Would You Need to Know Why?
Posted: 1/20/2009 2:10:08 PM | | I guess this one is going to be different for everyone. For me, after 20 years of marriage, I think I needed to hear the reasons why; however, my Ex could only provide the "its just a feeling" thing to me. I needed or wanted to know so that I could find closure for me. | |
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| Would You Need to Know Why?
Posted: 1/20/2009 2:20:32 PM | If someone was married for a long time, yeah I see the need to let the other partner know why you want to split, but for girlfriend/boyfriend, I guess it depends on why they broke up and how long they have been together.
They say people need closure, I dont know if thats necessarily true, I guess im not the curious type. | |
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| Would You Need to Know Why?
Posted: 1/20/2009 2:39:30 PM | How important would it be for you to know the reason WHY someone decided to end things with you? Is it enough to know they don't want to be with you?
It isn't that important to me, but I'd prefer to know some of the reasons. While I take it all with a grain of salt, some of their reasons might be things I can work on for future relationships. If nothing is offered it won't bother me, though. | |
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| Would You Need to Know Why?
Posted: 1/20/2009 2:47:38 PM | if everything feels perfect in the relationship and all of a sudden the other person approaches ma and says its over.........i d definitely like to know....especially if i felt like i was in love....i think id tie her down to a chair and inject her with that truth serum... 
i would like to know if it was my fault, and if it was, why.....so that i could come to the conclusion if it would be something that i shouldnt repeat.....
say she broke up with me cause i take buggers out of my nose in public.....and she never told me that was the reason....and all the gfs i have break up with me because of that and never let me know....i cant just keep on getting dumped and not know why.....lol
and i also think its a bit of an instinctive need to know what we did wrong....
if i knew the reason...either it be my fault or not.....id forget about it in peace... | |
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| Would You Need to Know Why?
Posted: 1/20/2009 2:54:08 PM | | I think it's cruel not to tell somebody why. Sure he may not be some mountain of self confidence here and needs to know. But, I won't use the adjectives to describe her. It is just plain cruel. | |
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| Would You Need to Know Why?
Posted: 1/20/2009 2:57:40 PM | I might, depending on the amount of time we were together and what I believe(d) the quality of the relationship is/was. There's a vast difference between weeks, months and years of staying with one person. Anything that seems good and lasts longer than say 2 months and I'd want to know - what's-up? Anything that seemed bad and lasted less, and I'd be happy it's over, maybe even upset I didn't end it first.
My bottom line is this, I feel I deserve some sort of explanation if I'm in a relationship that seems happy and the other person just suddenly "drops-out". If you've stayed with me, never communicating that there are any major problems, then you have allowed me to believe things are good between us. I assume you are happy with our relationship and with me.
Then you just walk out because you "feel" like you can't talk to me about something? That's not a reason, that's your own problem with being honest. Behavior along those lines is indicative of a "passive/aggressive" personality. People with such issues feel like they can't be direct and honest with others because they fear losing people they already have in their lives. They just "pretend everything is okay" until they can't pretend anymore.
It basically says all sorts of things about how the person with this problem perceives other people will react, and says that they won't even give another person the benefit of a doubt to even consider their feelings or thoughts . These people usually feel as-if their honesty will not be greeted well. Like they can somehow predict the outcome and it's always negative. So they just keep it locked-up inside. Eventually all that bottled-up feeling comes out in various (and ridiculous) ways, like - suddenly ending a relationship with no explanation.
Not such a bad one really, on a scale of passive/aggressive outbursts of 1 - 10, it's about a 2 or a 3, it could have been much, much, worse. In the end, he's just better off without someone like that, but she will still need real help addressing her own problem before it escalates and she causes others more damage, others who may retaliate. Your friend will have to learn to let it go in his own time, sadly he has been the victim here and you should treat him with compassion. If it helps him to heal, let him read this post. After-all, she has the problem, not him. He just needs to believe that before he can move-on. She had her chance to communicate her issues with him when she was with him and she chose to not to. He must assume he was not in any way at fault.
People that can't initiate direct, honest and open communication shouldn't be in relationships. PERIOD.
Please stay off the "big" boy/girl court and please keep those training wheels on!!
Mike | |
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| Would You Need to Know Why?
Posted: 1/20/2009 3:14:33 PM | OP......
I guess you have never been told then, I am done with you and leaving you, when you thought everything was going just the way you had hoped, and that the two of you were happy as a couple?
If one is caught off guard with being dropped, they just might have some issues, and questions as to why, how, who, and all those other things that just might run through ones head when not understanding why it ended this way.
Many will go through all the stages of loss, and work their way back to be normal, but for me at least, I would have to try to figure out what I did wrong, she did wrong, and we did wrong together. This need would be for learning from my mistakes, as well as a way to get more closure, which should be needed by everyone.
The best way to make sure that history does not repeat itself, will be to learn from it, and that does take understanding as to why, and coming to grips with it all, in order to move on and not repeat it again......
Just my opinion.......   | |
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| Would You Need to Know Why?
Posted: 1/20/2009 3:18:31 PM | | If I had only been dating someone, with no understanding of a future together, they can move on down the road, just as I would do, no explanation necessary. | |
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| Would You Need to Know Why?
Posted: 1/20/2009 3:35:47 PM |
My question is: How important would it be for you to know the reason WHY someone decided to end things with you? Is it enough to know they don't want to be with you?
For me it would be a matter of closure. I would probably feel the same if she didn't talk to me about it. I would never feel like I had closure.
Bob | |
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| Would You Need to Know Why?
Posted: 1/20/2009 5:13:05 PM | | I would demand to know why IF I was truly clueless ... I think it totally unfair to be left without closure ... if fact, seems like nothing more than a power trip for the person holding the information away from the other. | |
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| Would You Need to Know Why?
Posted: 1/20/2009 5:19:37 PM | | 4 years? That would be equivalent to still wondering why Three's Company was cancelled. | |
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| Would You Need to Know Why?
Posted: 1/20/2009 5:22:38 PM | Yes. Mostly because I feel people should be open and honest with each other. I do not believe the 'just the way I feel' or 'not you, it's me' line. Everyone has a reason for acting/reacting the way that they do.
That being said, it could have been something as small as waking up one morning and feeling sad to see that other person next to you in bed. It doesn't have to make sense, but I think there is always something people can point to and say "This is why." Most don't, I think, out of an idea that it would be cruel to say what really turns them off of you.
But in the case of your friend, isn't it crueler to have him still obsess about this? | |
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| Would You Need to Know Why?
Posted: 1/20/2009 6:11:36 PM | I am the type of person who needs complete closure..no wondering why...what did I do or didn't do to turn that person away from me. My bf of four months just broke up with me last month and he was decent enough to talk to me about why he didn't want to be with me any longer...he let me ask any question that I wanted and I truly believe that he answered honestly. It is hard for me to let go of a relationship without knowing exactly why.
I know that not everyone gets this opportunity to ask "why", but I think if you date someone for any decent length of time, they owe you some explanation.
By the way, I have such respect for this man and we truly like each other as individuals, that we are trying to be friends....
Best of luck to you!  | |
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| Would You Need to Know Why?
Posted: 1/20/2009 6:18:11 PM | | I think how he's acting now about something that was over 4 years ago, may be a huge clue as to why she broke up with him. | |
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| Would You Need to Know Why?
Posted: 1/20/2009 6:22:31 PM |
Would You Need to Know Why? Need? No. Want? Yes. It's good to get closure. It's the correct thing to do to provide closure to someone who has not disrespected you if you are the breakerupper.
If I initiate a breakup, I answer questions, that's only fair to provide that to someone who you supposedly cared for. Now if you ask questions and don't get legitimate answers, or if the coward won't let you approach them, that in a way is closure--you discovered you dated a coward, why would you want to continue to date a coward? | |
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| Would You Need to Know Why?
Posted: 1/20/2009 6:29:52 PM | | I can relate to your friend 100%. For me, it was 5 years ago, and yes I would still like to know why. Unlike your friend, I do not burden other people with this, but rather go over it again and again in my mind. I find it very odd and cold to just out of the blue to tell someone you don't want to see them anymore without a reason. It's like watching a movie, and missing the last ten minutes. You will always wonder what happened. Also perhaps if you knew why, you could avoid doing it in the future with a new person. | |
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| Would You Need to Know Why?
Posted: 1/20/2009 6:33:33 PM |
4 years? That would be equivalent to still wondering why Three's Company was cancelled.
Now that is simple, three's company was cancelled because it was beyond stupid. | |
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| Would You Need to Know Why?
Posted: 1/20/2009 7:13:29 PM |
Now that is simple, three's company was cancelled because it was beyond stupid.
Lol that kinda sounds like the same answer to why she broke up with him.
In any case, yes I'd wanna know... but honestly, if you're 4 years out, and you weren't even married to the girl, and you can't help but harp on it still... I would suggest professional help. | |
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| Would You Need to Know Why?
Posted: 1/20/2009 7:19:29 PM | I guess its what we call closure...if you have had a relationship fully intense ic planning a future or are in love with that person then its important to know what went wrong so you can come to terms with the end of the relationship and lay it to rest, other wise you end up questioning yourself and wondering what you did wrong .
My guess is that he had alot of feelings for her and her instant disappearance out of his life has the same effect as the death of a person...there are the same four stages of break up simular to those of coping with death.....for the acceptance phase he needs to know and understand why it happens...you can read about it on the internet. | |
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| Would You Need to Know Why?
Posted: 1/20/2009 7:28:24 PM | Some people truly need closure; without it they have this gaping, gnawing hole that they don't understand and can't make peace with. The problem with this is that the other person often doesn't need that; as they are the one closing things; and they can't let the "broken up with party" say their peace or make sure they understand.
As for me, it would be nice to know why if it happened; but I couldn't rely on it; because I can't control whether the other person would give me that closure or not. Truly I'd make peace with the fact they went elsewhere; and move on to someone who would want and choose to be there instead of someone who was moving away. | |
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rune3
| | Joined: 7/13/2006
Msg: 24 | |
| Would You Need to Know Why?
Posted: 1/20/2009 9:40:56 PM | It's enough to know they don't want to be with me any more.
I can guess my own reasons, if I feel so inclined. Romance can die, people realise they want something different in their future than you and what you want.
When it's friendship, it's a bit different. A special (platonic) friendship ended from 16 years ago, with inexplicable betrayal. I eventually stopped crying over it, 4 years after the event but there's still pain there and the echo of a long-ago "why?" screamed silently inside my head. The answer "he was a jerk" was never good enough.
Maybe that experienced hardened me a little, as I learned not to expect that anyone will be there forever and I won't make myself vulnerable to that pain again through imagining that I can be certain of something I really can't be -- and I'll discourage others from doing this too. I'd still like to know why, but the truth is likely to be that he never valued the friendship as much as me and probably doesn't even remember me very well. People experience things differently and I'm sure his experience of events was very different from mine. | |
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| Would You Need to Know Why?
Posted: 1/20/2009 9:47:53 PM |
I have a friend. His gf broke up with him 4 years ago. She never told him why.
To this day he is still toiling over it.
I think that depending how serious the relationship was and how invested either party was that it's acceptable to want to hear a reason. I do think that 4 years seems like a long time to hold onto something like that though. | |
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