| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 5:23:22 PM | | I have come to realize that of all the divorced ppl I know it has been the woman that has been the one to file for the divorce. This really got me pondering as to why and thought I'd broaden my survey by asking if this seems to be the case with the majority of divorced ppl you know and if so, why do you think this is so. Why do women make that final move to end the marriage much more frequently then men? | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 5:36:18 PM | I think because in this day and age women are more comfortable with moving away from 'what is done' toward what is right for them. I know so many men, who still have the values of 1950's family life instilled in them. Which is good in many cases, but then the men I know end up feeling guilt for 'giving up.'
Just my personal experiences though. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 5:40:19 PM | I filed for divorce on my first wife...she was a cheater!
Statistics do show that women file for divorce more often than men, but I don't fall into just any stastic. And to answer your question of why? I think it has to do with women talk about these type of things with other women before they file, and I'm sure they're encourage by their friends, whereas men don't usually talk to other men about these type of things as frequently.And of course things like abuse come into play, unfortunately it seems like more men are abusive than women. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 5:41:29 PM | | Well because if i was my now ex husband I would have stayed married to me too and never asked for a divorce. He had the best of all worlds including the cake and he ate that too. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 5:45:43 PM | I think it's partly, maybe mostly, because women have been told for the past 40 years that they not only should EXPECT everything, they DESERVE it all.
So, when the going gets a bit tough, they know that they can bail and everything will be perfect. Even if it isn't perfect, they believe they'll find perfection if they keep an unrealistic list of absolutes updated.
 
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 5:46:44 PM |
The term "calculating" comes to mind.
So did the term "adultery", at least when I filed first in the past.
I'm not sure why it would be mainly women you've known that are the first to file, OP. Perhaps because women aren't as trapped anymore in frustrating marriages as they were 30 years ago, that they feel helpless financially to leave, since women are now working and earning just as much as men? Just tossing that out there as a possible "reason".
Oddly enough, any men I've known that have filed for divorce first? Have usually had someone else lined up already...which I'm only tossing out there from people I've known, it's not a generalization in any way. But maybe women are just a bit quicker to make a break, whether or not they've met anyone else, no matter how scary that proposition might be? Again, just tossing that out there. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 5:51:20 PM | Nope... I filed and paid for the whole thing. It was my idea for us to call us quits (now seen by both as a decision that should have been made years before...) so I felt it was only the right thing to do.
That and she would have pulled out my spleen with a fork if I asked her to do any of the legwork at the time... | |
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TBLZ
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Joined: 3/23/2008
Msg: 9 | |
| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 5:52:42 PM | OK, my 2 cents, well make that .0000001 cent since I have no experience to draw from to make this statement so please, no hate mail....
Anywho, here goes....
Maybe because it pays to go ahead and end it from a woman's standpoint. Whether it be emotional freedom or financial. Why stay in it a suffer unless for children. That's the only reason to make such a sacrifice so I've heard....
All I have to say is when a woman is fed up, she is fed up....(unless she is drunk) j/k  | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 5:58:12 PM | In a place like N. America women think that they would find somebody else in a blink of an eye...which I don't know if its true 100%. They may get sex quicker for sure...at least some of the women, not all of course and....most important..."not forever".
Also women are not for sharing stuff, they are for getting stuff. So if you loose the sight of the relationship and not providing the "whatever its necessary"...she will file for divorce....Haha hurray...I was 6-7 years old in my grandmother's village and I knew...I ****ing knew I would never get married. At that age I had that BS feeling about marriage. And was not coming from my family because nobody was divorced in my close family .... but the whole BS going with it made me "puke inside".
On the other hand the "enthusiastic" american male is patient when is young. Later in many cases would start the teeth kicking of the marriage...or the so called "insuficiency of the marriage"....Men tend to be more conciliating if they went that far and got married....and they don't want to go over it again and they may try and hold in some instances.....for the only and olny left semi-benefit --> Sex. Maybe.
Also if there are kids....guess who gets the benefits of divorce? Huh? Any ideas ? May we ask the kindergarten kids for an update?
Etc, etc,etc...lots of etc. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 5:59:19 PM | | Generally men have more to lose financially in a divorce settlement than do women. This is primarily why women may be the ones more frequently initiating the divorce. I've seen such warped scenarios where the couple had two kids, she made more than the husband, cheated on the husband, husband caught wife in a cheat lie, then she initiates the divorce stated the husband cheated on her. She winds up with the house, kids, and child support. Courts generally believe the woman moreso than the guy. So it's understandable then men might be more loathe to open the floodgates. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 5:59:54 PM | I moved out, refused to come back, so he filed. I was young & stupid, I should have filed against him and taken all his money but I didn't want any of it. Seriously, it was his money, he made it, he bought the things we had, he was the big wage earner and he was really into keeping it too. What I wanted was out and our daughter, he only paid 80.00 a month child support too, I was hardly a calculating gold digger. He had a lot of money too, I could have taken him for a lot, my name was on everything. I did get my bicycle too, but he burned our clothes so I didn't get them. My daughter, 80 a month and my bike, yup, I'm really ripped him off.  | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 6:00:21 PM |
it has been the woman that has been the one to file for the divorce.
Are you talking strictly about filing for the divorce or ending the marriage also?
For me, personally, my ex-husband ended the marriage but I filed for the divorce. Why? Because after 4 years of arguing about whether or not he should help pay for the divorce I knew I needed to do it myself and move on!  I'm guessing that's not the norm though. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 6:08:52 PM | [Why stay in it a suffer unless for children. That's the only reason to make such a sacrifice so I've heard.... ]
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Personally, I don't agree to stay in a loveless marriage "for children." A marriage with children that has more arguing and fighting can be very detrimental to a child. While I don't think people should just give up on their marriage without at least trying some sort of counseling, sometimes it is healthier for everyone involved to divorce. I've heard people say they stay married because of their children, but if both adults are miserable what example is that setting. No, it's not easy starting over and most do not start a marriage with thinking they will get divorced. Some people get married for the wrong reasons to start with. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 6:21:13 PM | A little factual info specific to myself (who has been twice married and divorced) that might skew your figures a bit ...
The one wanting/asking for the divorce (in my case, me each time) was not the one that actually did the filing.
Simple matter of convenience, as both wives worked down town where all the law offices were. You still have to sort out all the nasty business eventually ... and filing first, wont give you any more leverage for having done so ...
except for bragging rights maybe. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 6:27:19 PM | | Approximately 75% of divorces are initiated (filed) by the woman. It varies somewhat state by state, but most states are fairly close. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 6:42:07 PM | How 'bout both!
I began the process with my atty, then she had her atty file before we could. (it was a power play, but didn't change anything)
Needless to say we were both in agreement that it had to end. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 6:49:57 PM | Simple.
1. Most marriages last about 5 years;
2. Most of these short marriages involve partners with 'unequal assets';
3. Men historically, the husband, have more assets than the wife, they are older, and are worth suiing;
4. Legal aid lawyers are the first resort to wifes who have no income;
5. If the husband has any significant assets, the legal aid society funds the purchase of a 'lier/lawyer' to take and dispossess as much of the assets of the husband as possible so that she can put into her pocket at least 70% of the net take (taking into consideration child support, division of family assets and spousal support);
6. When there are young children involved, the take is even greater; and,
The consequence is that women make the final move because they want a significant part of the assets, and of course the man, has no time and funds to find a way to defeat that.
Men who work do not qualify for legal aid, and separating, spouses who, primarily women, do qualify for legal aid. In the end of this analysis there is something very disturbing and sick.
If the husband does not work and pay child support, he goes to jail, and loses his ability to support himself, and if he cannot honestly support himself, the mother of the kids cannot support the children.
The traditional family law in NA is based on rich men supporting wifes with many children, and there is no reflection of the reality, that both parents are needed to support a family. Men, fathers, husbands, are only necessary as 'good providers'
My advise to you is do not get married to a woman or man who is much poorer than you.......
Had to retreive most of my assets in the BC Court of Appeal | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 6:53:09 PM | ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
TG for no-fault divorce and the UDMA in the USA! | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 7:04:04 PM | [I began the process with my atty, then she had her atty file before we could. (it was a power play, but didn't change anything)]
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Ironically, I see this situation happen often. Once party feels "wronged" because the other spouse filed for divorce first so they have their attorney file on their behalf. In reality, all this does is rack up attorney's fees and court costs. Then again, there are some people who would rather fight everything out in court than settling between themselves therefore adding more attorney's fees. Waste of time and money if you ask me. Canoist, I'm not criticizing you for her filing her own papers. Just so you know. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 7:05:32 PM | I left but he pleaded with me not to file because (he said) he hoped we would get back together; he filed three months later without telling me he was going to. I got served at work.
In a place like N. America women think that they would find somebody else in a blink of an eye.
As surprising as it might seem, not all women divorce their husbands with the intent of finding another man. Some of us leave simply because staying is a worse fate than being alone. And the worst fate doesn't have to be beating or abuse by him, but being in a marriage that merely exists.
Trulio, I don't know where you got your stats, but if they are correct, they do not apply to all women--or all men.
Women also leave longterm marriages; mine lasted 25 years.
If the husband does not work and pay child support, he goes to jail,
Wrong! Mine never paid a dime, and he didn't go to jail. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 7:10:46 PM | Personally, I filed for divorce, but he ended it by getting his boss pregnant (and then lied about it). What did I get out of it? Almost nothing. I didn't get any alimony, and I only got a few things that were in storage in another state (nothing of any real value). He got all of the stuff in the apartment, etc., and we had both been working. As far as who earned what...well, he spent more time unemployed in our marriage than I did, and part of mine was because he didn't want me to work after we got married.
As for why I filed on him...because I had finally had enough of his emotional abuse, and the cheating was the last straw. I never expected him to keep me in the lap of luxury. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 7:25:32 PM | | My ex asked for it, but I ended up filing... was a chess move more than anything. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 7:28:04 PM | I'll admit I'm shocked that so many men think the woman ends the marriage b/c she's going to make out financially .... this NEVER crossed my mind.
In EVERY case that I personally know, the woman has not/did not land with any financial wind-fall. She ended up going from a 2 income household to having only her salary and some child support to help raise THEIR children. This put them all, including myself, in a much lower tax bracket and certainly not in a better position in regards to $$$.
Someone asked if I meant just filing or actually ending the marriage... ending the marriage is where I was going.
I think one posters comments regarding women talking and finding support through other women to make the move is a very valid one.
One should NEVER EVER stay in a bad marriage for the sake of the children!! That does way more harm than good, no matter what the kids' ages.
Again, from my personal experience and those close to me... The marriages were BAD, OVER, FINISHED...both parties knew it. The women choose not to continue living in misery and to get out. The men seem so complacent and it was if they didn't care how crappy things were they just didn't want their lives/schedules/routines/habits/etc messed with.
I think because in this day and age women are more comfortable with moving away from 'what is done' toward what is right for them.
To focus on this more... I discussed this very thing with a male friend and he thinks it's b/c women are much more emotionally lead than men. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 8:40:39 PM | Because women tend to get things done.
A man may emotionally withdrawn or step out on his marriage, but actually filing for divorce takes more intiative. It hurts both parties financially to divide assets, but it if a man can just withdrawn emotionally or step out, he keeps all he has. Women are less likely to be okay with that and will go through the legal process to end it, even though they also have to downscale financially. | |
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