| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/21/2009 5:42:08 PM | I'm interested to hear about others' experiences with this frustrating situation.
Let's say you run across someone who just seems almost perfect on paper: they work hard, are together, are completely single, responsible, ready to commit, and they like YOU a lot.
Yet thru whatever circumstances - such as them not looking as good as their pictures, or whatever - you just can't seem to feel a physical attraction to them.
Ending the dating relationship early on, because you don't want to hurt them or waste their time seems so hard and scary - because what if you never meet anyone this "good" ever again? - yet you know you must because you can't force yourself to be attracted to someone.
Anyone else struggled with this situation? Did you feel sad and hope you were doing the right thing? | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/21/2009 5:54:36 PM | Nope... I find that a man's thoughts, feelings and mind is by far more attractive than the package he comes in... so if I find him that attractive on paper, then the rest simply falls into place.
I honestly don't see the struggle... | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/21/2009 6:04:43 PM |
you don't want to hurt them or waste their time seems so hard and scary - because what if you never meet anyone this "good" ever again? - yet you know you must because you can't force yourself to be attracted to someone.
I don't see what the drama is about... it's par for the course. I'd probably just do him and let the chips fall... | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/21/2009 6:05:11 PM | Aahhhhh the Rock is back LOLLLLLLLL
Funny man
But yah I agree with Message 2...if I can't conjure up even half the desire to have sex with him, then things just ain't gonna last long arghhh.
Oh and Message 5: totally funny...why the hell not!!! | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/21/2009 7:27:40 PM | ^^^ Next time, use chloroform and that'll solve that pesky 'watching them struggle' problem. 
Ending the dating relationship early on, because you don't want to hurt them or waste their time seems so hard and scary - because what if you never meet anyone this "good" ever again? - yet you know you must because you can't force yourself to be attracted to someone.
Anyone else struggled with this situation? Did you feel sad and hope you were doing the right thing?
I have to admit, OP, that no, I've never experienced that problem. If one already knew that they didn't see any sort of connection then, why wouldn't they just be honest with someone right from the get-go? Sometimes attraction can build...but personally, I've always known fairly quickly upon meeting someone within a relatively short period, whether or not I'd ever sleep with them....or I SHOULD say, I can tell damned well if I never would! If I'd made that decision in my own mind? Then it wouldn't matter how good they looked on paper in any way...I still wouldn't want to start a relationship with them.
Why would that be "scary" though? I've never once worried that "I might not meet anyone else as good" on paper or otherwise, as you said. And actually, that sounds a lot like settling to me, if you're worried about that to such an extent that you find it hard to break things off with the "good on paper" guys, for fear of never meeting anyone who truly knocks your socks off in both the physical and mental/emotional aspects? JMO. | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/21/2009 7:32:41 PM | | I think that has happened to many people at least once. There are some women that are smart, have a good personality, shares some common interests with me etc. But I'm not dating a woman that I think is ugly. There needs to be at least some physical attraction. Even if they were just average looking, I would date them. | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/21/2009 7:41:58 PM | Been there, done that many times. Never have I developed attraction for someone if it's not there in the beginning. If I can't picture myself having sex with him, then forget it.
If who was good for us on paper could be someone we build attraction for (or we could choose who we were attracted to), then most of us would have been paired off long ago.
Granted, there are moments where we think we'll never find attraction AND someone who's good for us in one package, and we give up and choose one or the other, but it's just frustration and lack of patience. Not only is it settling for us, but it's wrong to lead someone else on like that.
Eventually most of us realize once we find it all that it's possible to do so, and if things don't work out we know if it happened once, it can again. Some of us want it all again or we don't want to date at all. | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/21/2009 8:06:15 PM | recently happened to me.
already attracted to the girl, found out she liked me, hung out with a group a few times and shyly flirted...when we finally decided to go out alone, i just seemed annoyed or bored after finding out how much she is like me.
after that, i couldn't really see it happening. | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/22/2009 6:46:53 AM | I actually go through this on a regular.
I have met some really wonderful men (a few even on POF) that are the nicest people, ambitious, and really know how to treat a lady. But the attraction is just not there. And it’s not even that they are unattractive men. I’m just looking for a spark! Instant chemistry…
I’m starting to wonder if it exists. I know I have felt it before! I promise I have! LOL!
Oh well, for me, I like to make friends first anyway. So guys know when meeting me that I’m not looking to immediately “date” them. As a result, I have some awesome men around that are very sweet and great company but just not for me. | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/22/2009 10:42:36 AM | | It has happened many times, meeting someone who should be perfect for me, but there is no attraction. It isn't to do with their physical appearance, which is usually just fine, and they are very compatible in most every way. | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/22/2009 10:56:38 AM | I define a person as being "perfect" for me only by merit of being drawn to him on two levels:
*The physical( visual)
*The persona ( mental/emotional/intellectual )
Both components must coexist...
I am not one to settle and can't imagine having one without the other..That's non-negotiable
If I am taken by the persons look, but the personality is lacking /ideals not compatible then its a no go. Likewise, if the person and I get along great but there is no physical attraction then ...that's what friends are for... | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/22/2009 4:31:17 PM | | i ran into this last spring. went out with a girl twice had all the components of the perfect girl. yet no attraction to her. i told up front that i would love to have her as a friend. and she agreed. yet she always wanted more. so i had to let go because she made me feel bad. and yes it does stink but you know its the right thing to do. | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/22/2009 5:27:52 PM | | Yep, this has happened to me a lot too. I don't worry that I won't find anything that good again or that I'm not doing the right thing if I am honest with them that there is no chemistry...they deserve the honesty and truth and I deserve a whole package. I get disappointed though that the search for my one is not over yet and I have to go through it all again...the process sucks but the hope is that the reward makes it all worth it in the end. | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/22/2009 6:50:23 PM | | having someone who is 'perfect' for you on paper - ie he has all the qualities you're looking for in someone you'd love to be with, doesn't necessarily mean there'll be chemistry there... it could just mean that you've found someone with whom you could be really good friends | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/22/2009 6:57:54 PM | Been there. It's totally frustrating but you can't beat chemistry.
I even told myself to just go ahead and make something happen and maybe those feelings would grow but I didn't want to lead him on and then back off so.... | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/22/2009 9:15:23 PM | When they seem perfect for me but I just could not be attracted to them, thats when I would just give that person to my friends and if that person had a good looking great friend go for him!!! hahhahahaha okay I haven't been in that situation as described but it seems like it'll work out somehow. I don't think I'd want to be with a guy that says "I'm more attracted to your mind" as great as that sounds that may be translated as "sweetheart, you're ugly but interesting"
When it seems like a two bagger relationship (one for your supposed partner and one for you in case thiers breaks) its best to put it aside. If you can't force attraction now, I can't imagine forcing attraction 30 years from now. Besides, a relationship where anything has to be forced is unhealthy for both.......unless its a forcefulness agreed upon!! | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/22/2009 10:12:18 PM | I had to pass up one of these guys too............man he had all of the qualities that I WISHED the man I had fallen in love with had!
We had broken up, and I met a guy who was SO AMAZING! He was romantic, a great kisser, content to go super duper slow............as he knew I had been seeing someone, fun, like to do things, had lots of friends, asked me to lunch, called me, texted me, IM'd me, brought me little things, burned me cds, introduced me to his friends, you name it.
Bottom line........................when I was with him, I was reminded of the love in my heart for the other man. As much as what he did FOR me felt wonderful, it made me realise that being with him was not making me happy. All of what he DID and who he was, even his amazing qualities, the way his friends admired him, they just didn't make me have feelings for him.
I asked someone this recently.
If you truly love someone, would it be "settling" if he didn't have all of the qualities that you dreamt that he would have? In other words, he is good to you, good for you, would make a great catch, BUT............he is not.............................(romantic, a gift giver, is forgetful, blah blah blah).
I am thinking that as we grow older, and have failed marriages, etc, we tend to lean toward the storybook notion that we WILL find it ALL(as in everything we want in a man) with someone. I think we forget what is important, as opposed to what we WANT. Also, it makes us see his faults as larger than his qualities, bc we realise the things he will never be, as opposed to all of the good he always will have in him.
You can't always get what you want...........................................
Funny thing, I went back and read a few more posts.............LOL
Pardon my IGNORANCE, but I have never been with an uncircumcised man. Most likely bc I was married for 25 years, and have had few partners, BUT. This Mr Amazing that I met....OMG we talked so much, he really could almost read my mind, and finish sentences it was so crazy. We never even came close to having sex, but we did snuggle up and talk, and we talked about sex. He did share with me that he was uncut, and...................I hate to say it as I am a bit ashamed, but after that, I just couldn't quit reminding myself that I was NOT interested in having sex with a man who was not circumcised. Now, I DO think if he WAS Mr Right, it would NOT have mattered, but it was my little pea brain's way of tipping the scales away from him, so to speak. Maybe I was envisioning my ex honey.................lol and that was what drew me back...... HAHAHA yummy!
Tee Hee | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/22/2009 11:03:58 PM | Awww you guys have been great with your responses....I'm glad I'm not alone with this!! You guys are sweeties.
And no snarkiness either...God it's nice when that happens!
Yep, it is wearying sometimes to have to make a decision and then start the looking-for process all over again, but that is how it must be. | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/22/2009 11:12:11 PM | Well... there's no snarkies 'cause this is ACTUALLY a good question. You found it. Congrats. The ONE question that PoFers won't snark at.
As I've said before, and other have said as well... it's gotta be about the whole picture. Mutual attraction, desire and compatibility. What's the friggin' point of all this, otherwise? | |
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