| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 1:30:31 PM | | I met a girl last night and ended up having sex with her and she revealed to me some past issues regarding molestation. I am very aware of that type of situation and was very understanding, but I don't think that I should see her anymore because it would not be healthy for her or I, but I don't want to hurt her. I have never been that guy that doesn't return calls or just stops talking to a girl but I don't want to represent something that isn't going to happen. I just want to be as gentle as possible with her because I know how much courage and vulnerability it takes to tell someone that, and even though I don't know her that well I don't want to be insensitive. I don't know how do I break this off without being an ***hole? | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 1:32:16 PM | You're dumping a woman that opened up to you about something that she's feeling extremely vulnerable about and you are concerned at coming out looking like an asshole?
Accept it OP... you're gonna come off like an ass... | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 1:41:57 PM |
I have never been that guy that doesn't return calls or just stops talking to a girl but I don't want to represent something that isn't going to happen. I just want to be as gentle as possible with her because I know how much courage and vulnerability it takes to tell someone that, and even though I don't know her that well I don't want to be insensitive.
And why isn’t going to happen? Is it because you don’t want to deal with this, or is it because she was only good enough for a quickie? Sorry, this is your guilt, as Clint Eastwood said, now you live with it.
Here, let me gently tell you that you aren’t worth jack squat! Nice one OP! Get what you want, dispose of the baggage and then try to make us think your being a “nice guy”. It’s no wonder I hate nice guy threads, there is always an agenda. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 1:44:06 PM | Don't break-up with her for "her benefit" - in fact, if you do, she may never open up to someone else again. I really think you are wrong to believe that it is in her interest to split up; in fact, it almost sounds like what you're saying is that a person who has been molested can't go on to have a healthy relationship - and that's definitely not true.
If you personally have issues which would make a relationship with a survivor of abuse difficult for you (that's you, not her!), then I would urge you to speak to her about those issues and see if you can't get around them.
But for goodness sake buddy, please don't just go splitting up with her. I would almost beg you not to. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 1:45:23 PM | Yup, I agree with psssst. There are no buts about it. You are not going to end up  no matter what by dumping her. I don't think you are qualified to be a psychiatrist here so you cannot possibly give her professional help personally either. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 1:48:01 PM |
I met a girl last night and ended up having sex with her… … but I don't think that I should see her anymore because it would not be healthy for her or I, but I don't want to hurt her.
I just want to be as gentle as possible with her because I know how much courage and vulnerability it takes to tell someone that, and even though I don't know her that well I don't want to be insensitive
And you do not have the courage to see her again? You do not want to seem insensitive but you have no problem sleeping with her even you did not know her that well? I would assume she knew you as well as you knew her. And because of her sensitivity she still found it in her to find you in her?
Either it does not bother her that much or you are only looking for a reason to f*ck and run. If she did not tell you would you feel the same way?
I found it funny years ago when I slept with a woman I knew and afterwards she asked me if she would see me again. It never occurred to me to sleep with a woman and then dump her. Mind you generally people do not see me as an ***hole. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 1:50:07 PM |
I met a girl last night and ended up having sex with her , even though I don't know her that well I don't want to be insensitive.
When did she tell you about this, before or after? | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 1:50:14 PM | | It happened to me too, so I don't appreciate when people assume I don't know what it feels like to be in her situation, and how shitty of a person this would make me if I would jsut stop talking to her. But it would not be a healthy relationship, its just too painful for me, but I don't want to hurt her. I just don't know what to do. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 1:50:15 PM | Dear OP,
I think your problem isn't "her"...I think the problem is you because you don't understand the word molestation and the meaning to "her"..... so therefore you're scared because you don't know how to react or basically you are putting the "worst case scenarios" in your head....so everytime a problem comes along you don't understand or want to...you run...break up with her dude...she deserves better than you... | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 1:58:05 PM |
But it would not be a healthy relationship, its just too painful for me, but I don't want to hurt her. I just don't know what to do. Walk away from all relationships and find a therapist that will fix you...
Sounds like you are the one that's got the issues that need resolving and until you deal with them, you would be considered damaged...
You're fooling yourself if you think that this isn't your fault... you know you shouldn't be dating... yet you are. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 2:00:49 PM |
It happened to me too, so I don't appreciate when people assume I don't know what it feels like to be in her situation, and how shitty of a person this would make me if I would jsut stop talking to her. But it would not be a healthy relationship, its just too painful for me, but I don't want to hurt her. I just don't know what to do.
I did wonder about that - which is why I previously spoke of the problems being on your side. And what I said stands - the best thing to do is to talk to her. But I do think you are wrong to assume that it would not "be healthy" for her, which also makes me wonder if you are selling yourself short by feeling unable to cope with this sort of relationship... In other words, don't assume so quickly what you - as a potential couple - might be capable of overcoming. In my experience, the sum of the couple is usually greater than the two individuals who make it up. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 2:01:56 PM | f*****hell viking you are more confused than i am | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 2:08:10 PM | | Just because people have issues, dones't mean they don't deserve to be happy. Its not that I don't want to ever see her again but I just know that in the end everyone would just get hurt. I didn't date for a long time, but no matter what I say to you people I am an ***hole right? I don't have any sort of obligations to someone I just met, and it is very unfortunate that she is one of the many of us "damaged" folks, but that doesn't mean I have to persue a relationship that isn't going to go anywhere but a painful destination. Rip me part all you want, but I am not some self rightous jerk, I just suck at relationships like most of the other people who date online. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 2:10:04 PM | She might not want to see you again either, did you think of that?
Just don't call her or IM her again. Problem solved.
If she contacts you, tell her you got back together with someone
and can't see her because of that. I dont' recommend lying but
to spare someone's feelings I make an exception. This is the kindest way. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 2:13:13 PM | No OP, you don’t have an obligation to someone you just met, but you do have an obligation to someone with whom you had sex with, even if it’s only a small obligation.
Dress it up however you want, but at sometime, you will have to face yourself in the mirror. You can run but you can’t hide, it’s all about what you can live with, none of us here can give you the perfect answer.
Pity is a nasty quality by the way. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 2:15:57 PM | | You didn't allude to why you don't think it would be good for the two of you to continue seeing each other. Sex doesn't necessarily obligate you to this woman, but you should have a pretty compelling reason for breaking it off and be ready to make some sacrifice if you don't. Time spent with her now can make you a better man later and help her to find a better sense of normacy and worth. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 2:16:14 PM |
You're dumping a woman that opened up to you about something that she's feeling extremely vulnerable about and you are concerned at coming out looking like an ***hole?
Add "after a one-night-stand" to that little equation, and it's even sadder. 
OP...did she reveal this information to you before or after the two of you had sex? | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 2:22:10 PM | | Question................after finding out some issues she shared with you and you knew in your mind it would not be a healthy relationship why did you end up having sex with her in the lst place? | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 2:24:00 PM |
but no matter what I say to you people I am an ***hole right?
I don't think that. But I think you are on the precipice of becoming one if you don't push yourself a little further to do the right thing in this situation and speak as openly as possible to this other person. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 2:25:17 PM | how do I break this off without being an ***hole? dude you missed the train once your d*ck fell inside of her. That's the real issue here, not the molestation. Perhaps next time you should think before you fvck. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 2:26:42 PM | 1st of all any person who has survived any form of abuse is a survivor not damaged!!!
I think that you need to be honest with yourself 1st because you dont seem to have sorted out your own past so therefore getting involved with anyone is not a good idea. I suggest you speak to someone who will help you deal with your issues.
This lady you slept with last will no doubt think your an a--hole but i suggest honesty is the best policy | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 2:26:57 PM | | Sorry OP but I think YOU have the issues and not her. It seems you've found someone interested enough in you to sleep with you first time out NOTWITHSTANDING her history. That's saying a hellova lot in my view and takes a hellova lot more courage. Seems to me like SHE has let herself be a lot more vulnerable than you. When you say you suck at relationships, I have to agree. But they're clearly YOUR issues and not hers. It almost sounds like that gag line from W.C. Fields who said "I'd never join a club that would have me as a member". (Or maybe it was George Burns or Rodney Danerfield. But if the shoe fits, hey. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 2:29:26 PM |
1st of all any person who has survived any form of abuse is a survivor not damaged!!! He hasn't survived it... he's allowing it to guide his life, his decisions and to hurt another person...
To me, that's damaged...
Dealing with your issues so that they are simply life experiences turns damage into... well... life experiences. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 2:30:33 PM | I get a hinky feeling here when the OP ignores the question..did she reveal her issues before or after sex? And would doubt an honest answer at this juncture, since it was asked before and not answered.
So, I suspect he hit and ran and is now looking for some kind of redemption? | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 2:31:59 PM | | FYi it was after the fact. I.E. I did NOT know her pasty before I slept with her, ok? | |
|
Home
login 
