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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Would you become 'GOOD, CLOSE FRIENDS' with a MARRIED man or woman?      Home login  
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 anenigma
Joined: 2/3/2006
Msg: 1
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Would you become 'GOOD, CLOSE FRIENDS' with a MARRIED man or woman?Page 1 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
Sorry in advance, this is a little long...
I've been going to a local hangout for about 2 years. It's a popular dance club. I do go regularly, although not every weekend. Met a guy there I dated off and on for about a year and a half (I'll call him Bob). It ended and we no longer talk. HOWEVER, I still talk to a mutual (male) friend of ours, who we both know from there (I'll call him Joe). Throughout my time with Bob, Joe would compliment me, ask me how I'm doing, always interested in what's going on in my life, smile all the time, and was always really friendly. Joe is married. Recently, after Bob and I split, Joe became more friendly towards me (Only in the sense that he talks to me MORE now without Bob there, because Bob's not getting all my attention) Never in a physical way, or sexual way...just always coming up to me and talking, buying me a drink or two, and when Bob met another woman there (right in front of me, he was aggressively he wooing her soon after we split) Joe reached out to me. He had pretty strong opinions about how Bob was treating me, how he 'made a mistake' and he told Bob this (he said Bob didn't respond)....and Joe's compliments to me increased...He told me that he really likes me as a 'friend', thinks I'm 'a nice girl' (as he always tells everyone we're talking to) and last night....he asked if we could exchange no.s. He very clearly said "Look, I am married, I don't mess around, don't cheat on my wife, but I would like us to be friends, I would like to be able to talk, outside of the club" So, I said okay and we exchanged numbers. He told me to text him whenever I want. When I asked how his wife would feel about that...he said "my wife trusts me, she doesn't look at my phone, or check up on me, etc...if I can text or call you back at that moment, I will..if not, I'll get back to you as soon as I can".

I've always had close male friends. In fact, more best friends of mine have been men, than women. I'm not sure if this matters, but last May, one of my best friends who was a guy, died. And it was a huge loss for me AND he also was in a committed relationship for most of the 10 yrs we knew each other, the women ALWAYS knew about me.....BUT a married guy, I'm not sure about?
I really like this guy (as a friend) and I would like to have him as a close friend, but is it crossing a boundary because he has a wife? And one who wouldn't know? (If I was married - and I was once - I'm not sure if I'd appreciate my husband forming a close friendship with a woman!

I wonder if I'm getting into dangerous territory....would anyone of you feel comfortable developing a close friendship with a married man/woman? Or do you think there's an ulterior motive on the married one's part? (Joe did say he finds me attractive, but would never act on it because he is married and also because he knows I won't date or be with a married man)
I love talking to him, we laugh and have fun, and he's a nice person. Just by knowing him casually all this time, I know he's the kind of person I'd be happy to have as a friend.
 octaviarose
Joined: 7/16/2008
Msg: 2
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Would you become 'GOOD, CLOSE FRIENDS' with a MARRIED man or woman?
Posted: 2/2/2009 12:51:01 AM
ask if you can meet his wife...you may be able to get a better vibe from the information you get from meeting her and sussing out the situation.
 mrcyrus
Joined: 1/26/2009
Msg: 3
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Would you become 'GOOD, CLOSE FRIENDS' with a MARRIED man or woman?
Posted: 2/2/2009 12:51:51 AM
As it is, there's nothing wrong with being friends with Joe. Joe has very eloquently told you that he has no interest in being anything to you but a friend, so trust him on it if you think you're a good judge of character.

However, be wary of Joe. Continue being his friend, but if things start to get a little weird for you or his behavior changes, you need to be aware of it. There's a good chance Joe really DOES just want to be your friend and be able to contact you outside of the club, but there's also a good chance he's into you.

Essentially, just be aware of any changes that occur in his behavior. From what you've said about him, Joe seems the type of guy to deserve the benefit of the doubt.
 JstAnthrLonelyGirl
Joined: 7/19/2008
Msg: 4
Would you become 'GOOD, CLOSE FRIENDS' with a MARRIED man or woman?
Posted: 2/2/2009 1:30:02 AM
I have some close male friends who are married, the key is to make sure the wife knows that you're not the one initiating things, and that you're only there purely for the friendship. All in all, there shouldn't be a limit to who you can be friends with if the intentions are genuine.
 *Cowboy*
Joined: 4/28/2006
Msg: 5
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Would you become 'GOOD, CLOSE FRIENDS' with a MARRIED man or woman?
Posted: 2/2/2009 1:45:10 AM
To of my dearest friends in the world are ex's I dated that are now married. We talk on the phone or email/IM every day. Never in an inappropriate way. I like both their husbands. I am welcome in both homes for sleepovers.

Crap I have counseled both through rough times with their hubbies. Always as a friend and I have taken the husbands side as many times as theirs.

The WIFE is the key here. How does she feel about you and why is this guy at a dance club without her? Please consider her feelings here. If you were married to this guy would you feel good thinking he was "close friends" with a very attractive female like yourself at a Dance Club he was frequenting without you?

Uhhh probably not huh?

Unless you get to meet the wife and thus are sorta agreeing to be friends with them as a couple you need to back off. Your treading water in a dangerous place and messing in someone elses marriage. I see red flags all over the place and I'm surprised you dont?

If he can call or text you back he will ? Meaning his wife doesnt know sweetie or he could call/text back anytime. Cool she doesnt check up on him or he would be busted.

Bail unless you can meet the wife and you know she is comfortable. I bet she would think he is cheating in doing what he is doing.

Best of Luck

Cowboy
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 6
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Would you become 'GOOD, CLOSE FRIENDS' with a MARRIED man or woman?
Posted: 2/2/2009 2:00:27 AM
Oh, it's dangerous ground all right. You said it yourself -- how would you feel if your significant other had a close, private, female friend outside the marriage?

Yes, he's saying all the right things now, but is he only in denial? Saying he won't "act on it" may just mean he won't initiate something. But what if you did -- would he respond?

It's just muddy waters, and little good can come of swimming in them. Yes, I've had -- have -- extremely close female friendships w/o a physical dimension. It's possible, no question. But I've also found that when men and women do develop a close friendship ... well, it's very easy to progress to the next level. Very natural, actually.

Y'know, bottom line is that this friendship puts you both at risk in so many ways, and you're both clinging to the one hope that it'll be fine -- and his wife will never know.

Just doesn't sound healthy, does it?
 Greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 7
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Would you become 'GOOD, CLOSE FRIENDS' with a MARRIED man or woman?
Posted: 2/2/2009 2:19:25 AM
To the OP, I don't feel there is any problem in being friends with somebody of the opposite sex who is married. I have a couple female friends who are married/engaged, and there are no issues, sexual or otherwise, with the friendships.

However, in your situation, I got a HUGE red flag when I read this:

When I asked how his wife would feel about that...he said "my wife trusts me, she doesn't look at my phone, or check up on me, etc...if I can text or call you back at that moment, I will..if not, I'll get back to you as soon as I can".


Unless I'm mistaken, it sounds like he deliberately went out of his way to avoid giving you a straight answer. Instead of telling you "My wife wouldn't care at all," he completely dodged it by telling you that she trusts him and doesn't check his phone. On top of that, saying "if i can text or call you back at that moment i will... if not, i'll get back to you as soon as i can," sounds blatantly like something he's keeping from his wife... as for me "if I can" sounds like "if my wife's not around."

However, I can be completely wrong, since I don't actually know this guy. But at the end of the day, I think that you should be able to meet his wife yourself to make sure that she's ok with you talking to him.
 spacetolet
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 8
Would you become 'GOOD, CLOSE FRIENDS' with a MARRIED man or woman?
Posted: 2/2/2009 2:35:15 AM
Dangerous territory? Yes.

You seem like a straight arrow. Would you really be comfortable with his wife not knowing?

It may be that he is just looking for someone he can call to join him on the nights he goes dancing, but I am having a hard time believing that. Isn't it usually the woman who can't get her husband to take her out dancing.

I think he is just a smooth guy, who is willing to put the time and effort into wooing someone, even a potential FWB. But hey I am no expert; he could be on the level

My condolences on the loss of your friend, I hope things do work out and you gain a new friend.
 bcsofnc57
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 9
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Would you become 'GOOD, CLOSE FRIENDS' with a MARRIED man or woman?
Posted: 2/2/2009 2:39:57 AM
You know the answer to your own question. This man does not want to be your friend, he wants to have sex with you. He is just throwing out some things to see what your reaction to him is.
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 10
Would you become 'GOOD, CLOSE FRIENDS' with a MARRIED man or woman?
Posted: 2/2/2009 2:46:42 AM

...he said "my wife trusts me, she doesn't look at my phone, or check up on me, etc...if I can text or call you back at that moment, I will..if not, I'll get back to you as soon as I can


Well Joe if you wife trusts you then it shouldn't be a problem you answering the OP's calls while your wife is around...hmmmmm I believe he wants more.
 Racy Girl
Joined: 1/5/2009
Msg: 11
Would you become 'GOOD, CLOSE FRIENDS' with a MARRIED man or woman?
Posted: 2/2/2009 4:03:27 AM
Dangerous dangerous territory, a few red flags


Joe became more friendly towards me ...just always coming up to me and talking, buying me a drink or two,

SHould be spending money on his wife not on another woman

and Joe's compliments to me increased...He told me that he really likes me as a 'friend', thinks I'm 'a nice girl' (as he always tells everyone we're talking to)

Trying too hard, and why would he be telling other people????????

I can text or call you back at that moment, I will..if not, I'll get back to you as soon as I can".

Yeah so if his wife isnt around he will message you

I really like this guy (as a friend) and I would like to have him as a close friend,

ask yourself why you NEED a married man as a close friend, spend the time looking for a single man

And one who wouldn't know?

Oh hell NO

Or do you think there's an ulterior motive on the married one's part? (Joe did say he finds me attractive, but would never act on it because he is married and also because he knows I won't date or be with a married man)

He is throwing the hook seeing if you will take the bait and you have, by giving him your number

Ask to meet the wife and if he says no them run real far
 vinylspinal
Joined: 1/16/2009
Msg: 12
Would you become 'GOOD, CLOSE FRIENDS' with a MARRIED man or woman?
Posted: 2/2/2009 4:04:13 AM
Sadly, in these times, often married men and women cannot become "good, close friends" without desire getting in the way... BUT I believe that is partly because people tend to automatically, almost like a reflex action, express doubts about the viability of these friendships. It's this reflex action, this doubt, which sows the seed which eventually sets sexual tension in motion. Suspending doubt or scepticism in this instance may be the prerequisite for any successful close friendship between married men and women.
 elizabethnotliz
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 13
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Would you become 'GOOD, CLOSE FRIENDS' with a MARRIED man or woman?
Posted: 2/2/2009 4:07:01 AM
call me insecure...but if I was Joe's wife...I wouldn't be too happy about my husband buying other women drinks and asking for their phone numbers. The fact that he said "my wife doesn't check up on me"....says in double talk for "I freely do what I want and my wife doesn't know".

Bottom line...why does this man seek women to have friendships with...that was pretty agressive of him. Don't be a fool to think that he just is wanting another bud with boobs. He wants attention, whether he carries it out to blantant physicality is really not the biggest point....it is very telling. Living vicariously through his buddies or not.

He is lying..that whole bit HE SAID about "never be more than friends because you wouldn't carry on with a married man" was him TESTING you...you bit the bait a bit by going ahead and giving your phone number to him.

What is more, and I learned from experience so I am not judging, is that you have no business having a 'close friendship" with someone's husband. They have a woman for that. Get my drift? You may not be doing anything wrong because you are single, but you are enabling someone to do something they probably shouldn't be doing.

don't be naive...you only get a chance to be naive..once. Open your eyes
Lizzie
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 14
Would you become 'GOOD, CLOSE FRIENDS' with a MARRIED man or woman?
Posted: 2/2/2009 4:12:41 AM

Sadly, in these times, often married men and women cannot become "good, close friends" without desire getting in the way... BUT I believe that is partly because people tend to automatically, almost like a reflex action, express doubts about the viability of these friendships. It's this reflex action, this doubt, which sows the seed which eventually sets sexual tension in motion. Suspending doubt or scepticism in this instance may be the prerequisite for any successful close friendship between married men and women.


Good in theory...but in this case the signs are already there..If the OP was totally comfortable with his friendship she wouldnt have created this thread. Gut feeling comes way before the seed sowing..
 Katherynne
Joined: 11/15/2005
Msg: 15
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Would you become 'GOOD, CLOSE FRIENDS' with a MARRIED man or woman?
Posted: 2/2/2009 4:15:23 AM
OP, listen to Cowboy, he's a smart cookie.

Most of my friends are guys - I like guys, less drama, less backstabbery. Many of my guy friends and I have zero sexual attraction, and for those who do - well, tough. If you feel that you can have a close friendship with Joe than that's great - good friends are hard to come by - but if you can't meet his wife (for dinner, a show, whatever) than that's a red flag, a red flag of DOOM!

Listen, just because someone is married doesn't mean that all of a sudden they can't have friends that their spouse isn't friends with either, heck we all need people that our SO's don't have as strong a connection to. BUT, his wife deserves to know that you are there, whether or not she becomes your best bud or not isn't the point. As you ponder your situation, think about how you would feel if you were her. If you don't plan on sleeping with him (as he's made clear, and bonus points to him), I don't see a problem. If he doesn't plan on sleeping with you but insists on hiding you from his wife, problem city. Think this through realistically, and tread carefully until all the wrinkles are ironed out. Good luck :)
 I Cornelius
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 16
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Would you become 'GOOD, CLOSE FRIENDS' with a MARRIED man or woman?
Posted: 2/2/2009 4:15:41 AM
Only if she buys me stuff.
 spacetolet
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 17
Would you become 'GOOD, CLOSE FRIENDS' with a MARRIED man or woman?
Posted: 2/2/2009 4:21:31 AM

Sadly, in these times, often married men and women cannot become "good, close friends" without desire getting in the way... BUT I believe that is partly because people tend to automatically, almost like a reflex action, express doubts about the viability of these friendships. It's this reflex action, this doubt, which sows the seed which eventually sets sexual tension in motion. Suspending doubt or scepticism in this instance may be the prerequisite for any successful close friendship between married men and women.


What a loud of hooey!

It is more permissible now for women and men to become friends then at any other time in history. In times before single woman would be wearing a red A on her chest for making a friend of a married man. Other women would shun her. The doubt of others doesn't draw two people together unless they are rebellious teens. Sexual attraction causes sexual tension not doubt.
 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 18
Would you become 'GOOD, CLOSE FRIENDS' with a MARRIED man or woman?
Posted: 2/2/2009 4:32:24 AM
i agree with msg. 7

it sounds as though he'd be hiding his 'friendship' with you from his wife, in which case, no, it wouldn't be a healthy thing, imo
 bklynrebel
Joined: 11/30/2008
Msg: 19
Would you become 'GOOD, CLOSE FRIENDS' with a MARRIED man or woman?
Posted: 2/2/2009 5:01:37 AM
I would be uncomfortable and wondering why this married guy is going to a dance club without his wife. He may be as innocent as a lamb, but I'd be cautious.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 20
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Would you become 'GOOD, CLOSE FRIENDS' with a MARRIED man or woman?
Posted: 2/2/2009 5:14:34 AM
Shoot, I have a former coworker, who hooked me up once w/ his ex gf, and now that he's married to a woman he met from out of state, I'm one of her best friends in our state we live in.

ADULTS can handle this no problem. Well, that plus I don't find his wife attractive

On the flip side, another friend of mine, who is immature, always told me married people were easy, b/c what was their alternative besides you? So yes, some married people can cheat...but honestly, I think a non-interested friend is gonna notice getting hit on. It takes effort to get one's clothes off and into bed, so the problem isn't the married person suddenly magically ending up in bed with you...the problem lies with YOU agreeing to do something.

Do I really need to point out, watch your alcohol intake on any of these outings? Hopefully you and he don't need to get some social lubricant in order to relax in each other's company just so you can have a good time...otherwise you'll be posting here again...:(
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 21
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Would you become 'GOOD, CLOSE FRIENDS' with a MARRIED man or woman?
Posted: 2/2/2009 5:19:27 AM
I have co-workers that I am close to but little to no contact outside the office and spouses are always included in any social situation. I would ask to meet his wife and include her in any friendship. I always have had single male friends (even during my marriage) but the Ex was always part of the social group as well.
 *~*ChardyGirl*~*
Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 22
Would you become 'GOOD, CLOSE FRIENDS' with a MARRIED man or woman?
Posted: 2/2/2009 6:49:28 AM

I would like to be able to talk, outside of the club


outside of the club............now,why is this ?????

Op,you're single & attractive,& he'll txt/call you back as soon as he can....??

Ppfftt..........................yeah,innocent,my a$$e........!!
 logan3693699
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 23
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Would you become 'GOOD, CLOSE FRIENDS' with a MARRIED man or woman?
Posted: 2/2/2009 6:53:02 AM
All I have to say is watch When Harry met Sally .
 verityone
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 24
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Would you become 'GOOD, CLOSE FRIENDS' with a MARRIED man or woman?
Posted: 2/2/2009 7:09:59 AM
To answer your question OP, no. I try and avoid the close friends thing with women in general. In my experience, something inevitably comes up. And I'm not talking about sex, but tension, questions of why there isn't any possibility of more than friends etc.. It's just not worth it. I have all the friends I can possibly maintain.
I don't know about other guys, but, when I'm in a relationship, I'm not in bars buying women drinks, chatting them up, and suggesting we be friends outside of the bar, and become text and phone buddies. I'm too busy being in a relationship.
I maintain prior female friendships, albeit with less maintenance, but I don't pursue new ones.
I think this guy's motive is not so innocent. I just don't buy it. He's playing the field.
Ya, ya, you're a great girl and all, got a bum rap from your ex. Nothing new, I know plenty of great girls done wrong, I don't need to befriend them.
 passionandsong
Joined: 10/9/2007
Msg: 25
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Would you become 'GOOD, CLOSE FRIENDS' with a MARRIED man or woman?
Posted: 2/2/2009 7:58:48 AM
marriage is two becoming one.if you can be close friends with both than there is no problem.just friends with him is never going to work.
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