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| | Is divorce like mourning a death?Page 1 of 16 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16) | | I've been divorced for 2 years after 24 years of marriage and am still having a hard time "moving on". While I've spent most of my time reading, soul searching and thinking, my ex is on girlfriend #3 since the divorce process started and for the past 2+ years he's had a woman in his life...seamlessly. I heard that divorce is like a death & people go throught the same stages as of death and dying ...Shock & Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, & Acceptance. Even though I know divorce was the right decision, I can't help comparing how we are both so different in dealing with the aftermath. After 25 years of knowing each other and having 2 great kids, it amazes me how he has been able to move on so fast without mourning this loss...or even taking the time to think about what happened. ...Its like we had a disposable life together. Is this a man/woman thing or was I just married to a complete stranger? Any thoughts? | |
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| Is divorce like mourning a death?
Posted: 2/4/2009 9:50:51 AM | You go through a grieving process, but it is not the same. I'm guessing you have never lost anyone you cared about?
I say 25 years was a pretty good go at it. You need to move on and get a hobby instead of feeling sorry for yourself. Your ex did.
I say you are upset, angry, depressed, etc because your ex moved on quicker than you have. Go have sex with a stranger to get him out of your system. Use protection. | |
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| Is divorce like mourning a death?
Posted: 2/4/2009 9:54:19 AM | For some people, divorce does go through the steps like accepting death.
However, I have to state when I got divorced from my husband, I threw a "FREEDOM PARTY" at the bar with my friends. We all had champagne and I invited my newly-divorced-ex-husband and we toasted each other and wished each other the best - C-YA!! We both knew it was over months beforehand. He had a girlfriend and I had someone I was interested in and we got together the night of my divorce. Really, there was no mourning, no loss really.
I think it really depends on the people involved, the situation, the reasons behind the divorce. You see, I was happy cause I wasn't going to be beat up anymore and he was happy because he was keeping his butt out of jail (domestic violence issues). We had every reason to part - not one reason to stay together. | |
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| Is divorce like mourning a death?
Posted: 2/4/2009 10:01:48 AM | If you haven't been able to move on after 2 years- I would think the person with the problem is you, not your ex. Yes- 24 years is a long time to be in a relationship, but 2 years is also a long time to stay in 'mourning'. You have no idea what he did to mourn the loss of the marriage. People deal with loss in different ways.
If he was the one that made the decision to end the marriage- it's very possible that he went through that mourning process before that final decision was made. I know that I did! When I said "it's over", I was throwing in the last shovel of dirt and leaving the cemetery. My time of mourning was over! | |
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| Is divorce like mourning a death?
Posted: 2/4/2009 10:12:30 AM | OP, sometimes, it does in fact take two years to get yourself back together. I too went through all the stages that you speak of. And "in a sense," yes, divorce is almost like a death, cept no body to bury. (even though I thought about it)! lol
But focus on working through the different emotions. Forget worrying about your ex and if he has dealt with things or not. That isn't your concern now is it? You have to take care of you. Once you get through the hump? I guarantee you that you will see life and yourself in a whole new light! It is a long road travelled, but oh, so worthwhile when ya get here! Good luck | |
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| Is divorce like mourning a death?
Posted: 2/4/2009 10:15:22 AM | I don't think 2 yrs is unreasonable for a 24 yr marriage-especially if kids are involved. I'm assuming it was him that wanted the divorce, in which case he knew the end was coming and you were maybe blind sided. I was with my hubby for over 23 yrs when he died. I didn't even think about dating till about 3 1/2 yrs later. The one relationship I've had is with someone like your ex. They seem to go from relationship to relationship to relationship and find their new partner before leaving the old one. Yet they never seem to find what they're looking for. Personally, I think its this type of person (man or woman) that needs to do some serious thinking about their life, yet they never seem to.
You'll know when you're truly ready OP. Don't worry about it. I do think for the most part that men and women do grieve differently - as do each and every one of us.
Best of luck!
HR  | |
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| Is divorce like mourning a death?
Posted: 2/4/2009 10:17:38 AM | Yes,OP, divorce can be likened to a death. The loss that you suffer can be inconsolable at times. But, in the same respect, everyone grieves differently. You and your ex have different perspectives on the divorce.
As with dealing with the grief, it is not a numbers game. It could last for a while.
I hope you wake up one day and start counting your blessings, and don't continue to dwell on what happened to cause this to occur.
Face it, grieve it, and get moving in a forward direction.
Good luck. | |
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| Is divorce like mourning a death?
Posted: 2/4/2009 10:19:00 AM | I don’t think two years is too long. It took me two years to get over a ten-year relationship. Sometimes I thought the separation was worse than death because there were daily reminders (making arrangements for children).
It sounds like he gave up long before you did if he was able to move on so quickly. Broken wings need time to heal, before a heart can fly. Sex with a stranger sounds good, but it’s not the answer.
It may not seem like it now, but it does get better if you decide that’s what you want. Mark a date on the calendar and allow yourself to grieve up till that date, after that stop looking back. You can’t move forward as long as you’re looking back. | |
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| Is divorce like mourning a death?
Posted: 2/4/2009 10:20:22 AM | maybe because he was unhappy and now he is happy
and you were happy and now your unhappy!
I dont know any details of your marriage and who did what or said what! All I know is that you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get out there to find what makes you happy!
Spend time with your family, friends, take a class in something that has always interested you! Find something that you can do for just YOU and one day when you are at peace with yourself then this may make a little bit more sense!
 | |
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| Is divorce like mourning a death?
Posted: 2/4/2009 10:22:12 AM | Think of a relationship as a person. It has all the stages of development: infancy, adolescence, adulthood and yes even death. You are mourning the relationship, not the person. And that is normal.
A failed marriage is a tough thing to overcome and men deal with failure differently than women. His moving on is no indication of anything on you. I do think it's a man/woman thing. No need to generalize as I am sure there are exceptions but I've seen this enough in many couples to assume that there must be a gender difference here.
Work on you, don't focus on the negative. It's not fair to compare. You two are different people. | |
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| Is divorce like mourning a death?
Posted: 2/4/2009 10:23:19 AM | I have a friend whose marriage collapsed while his mother was dying of cancer, and I found it interesting that he chose to address the failed marriage first in a fashion that almost excluded his mother. He also went through the ego bruise of his ex moving on quickly, and while having beers with him a year ago, I expressed my view that he wasn't coping well with his mother's death. He agreed, stating that he didn't even want to go there at the time.
FYI, I'm not trying to trivialize what you're going through OP. | |
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| Is divorce like mourning a death?
Posted: 2/4/2009 10:23:50 AM | We all handle it differently. I think that very often one partner deals better than the other... and usually it's the person who asks for the divorce.
Here's what I went thru. October the sheet hit the fan and I realized marriage in jeapardy when ex emotionally cheated.
Dec and jan dragged him to counseling, tried to talk to him, work on marriage book, improve sex life, go on dates...
That went nowhere.
Feb-May worked thru deciding what to do about marriage... By may I had made a solid decision to cut the cord. I asked for a divorce.
I moved out in December...that was the soonest I could move out. But b/t May and December we co-existed in the house, but avoided him like the plague.. spent very little time in his presence. Thought about what my life would be like after the divorce, looked for a house to live in, etc... It was an active time working thru going to a new life.
THen by december I was out, we were separated, and I dove into creating a new life for my self.
This was just over 1 year ago. now I am happy as a clam but scared to death to file the divorce b/c I know he'll fight it and cause much misery before he signs.
There is no way in hell I'd ever go back to him. While dating is rough, I am THRILLED to discover how many guys are NOT like him...
Being apart, i can see so much just how dysfunctional those years were.
So it has been a process for me, but a different one than you are going thru. I might have gone thru mourning stages, but they were from Feb-May, before I asked for the divorce. At that time, I had to come to terms with the marriage NOT working, not getting better, and in fact rapidly getting worse.
K | |
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| Is divorce like mourning a death?
Posted: 2/4/2009 10:26:14 AM | I think you're exactly right. When I started divorce proceedings, the mediator and children's advocates made the "Death & Dying" comparison, too. They pointed out that different people have different paths to the final stage -- acceptance. And I don't think it's gender-based. There are certainly lots of men out there mourning their exes.
I guess you just need to think about what will help you get to that acceptance phase. No one can tell you how -- you need to find out what works for you.
Good luck! | |
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| Is divorce like mourning a death?
Posted: 2/4/2009 10:26:58 AM | It is like a death, I think, and everyone grieves differnently.
I agree with the poster who mentioned that it is possible that your ex was mourning before you knew it was over. My grieve over the end of my marriage, kinda started 6 months before I could figure out how to end it-- so I was "over" it quicker.
Everyone has their own timelines- and I think it is smart that you can see that you aren't ready for other things- and if you think that it has been too long- you might want to get help, but only if YOU don't feel like it is getting better, not because you "should" be over it. | |
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| Is divorce like mourning a death?
Posted: 2/4/2009 10:41:57 AM | There are some allusions to the grief of death, but for some it can cut rather deeper than that. Death, though harsh, completely ends it, and not voluntarily. Its sudden, and over, like surgical avulsion. Divorce is usually accompanied by betrayal, and can be a source of not insignificant ongoing distress. Divorce is likened to slow amputation of a hard-lost limb, though festering, one still clings to myth of hope.
Considering the betrayal is visited upon you by someone who seemingly blithely moves on easily....does not help. As mentioned, often the party choosing dissolution has neither the depth of tie or commitment that the betrayed feels, AND they may have done their "grieving" much earlier, ( merely by switching horses midstream). Their own pain and inner demons, though apparently unaddressed, remains surely for another day.
For you, the community afforded by a healthy "divorcecare" group is
invaluable to healing the ongoing aspects of pain that seems somehow unending.
I wish I had gone sooner....and now i help facilitate a group.
Much healing continues....and the one who chooses to, will continue to progress far on that spectrum. | |
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| Is divorce like mourning a death?
Posted: 2/4/2009 10:47:23 AM | I would also say that the mourning is similar but not quite the same as the ex spouse is still there as a reminder of many things past and shared. As far as your ex having "moved on"... it would seem to me that he has NOT really moved on, just going from one bandaid girlfriend to the next without ever healing up inside or dealing with his issues to where he can have a stable relationship with someone and is perhaps repeating all the same mistakes which caused the two of you to split.
I was married for 26 years to a woman who had cheated on me around the 10 year point, I had little ones to think about, thought she was over her itch and made the effort to stay together. It happened again at the end and that was it. The point? It was also quite devastating to me to think she could just throw away "disposable" 26 years like that...
Some of the VERY best advice I received is from a friend I met when I started taking ballroom dance lessons to save my sanity and force myself to focus on a totally new fun thing. She said: Don't ever let ANYONE try to tell you WHEN you are "supposed to" or "should be" over something like this. YOU will be the one who knows. Take the time you need but do it with the determination to try to grow and move on as best you can each day.
It has been 4 years since I found out and 2 1/2 since the divorce was final. I HAVE moved on as best I could- have found a marvelous person- but still have days where a series of events will bring back the thoughts and emotions of then and it can still make me sad. I don't try to DENY the feelings but I don't DWELL on them either- I acknowledge them and let them pass on thru me.
Maybe this will help you a bit, maybe you'll just think it's just stuff to make plants greener but I hope it helps a bit.
:o) | |
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| Is divorce like mourning a death?
Posted: 2/4/2009 10:49:00 AM | I've heard the comparison of death v. divorce many times and I bought it. Having now lost someone to both circumstances I see less similarity than I did before. Sure... there's the stages of grief and maybe some people go thru all 5 in instances of divorce but I didn't or have no cognizant memories of some of them.
I once heard a counseling/relationship professional say it takes approximately 1/3 of the time the relationship lasted to 'get over it.' If there is any validity to that then your ex didn't waste a second and that probably explains why he has had 3 gfs since the deal went down. I see it as some men (not all) not wanting to or knowing how to be alone. I don't know if it is cuz they don't want to have to do the household chores or they think it makes them 'losers' or whatever. Maybe your ex even derives some kind of pleasure out of what he sees as a demonstration that he is lovable and you are not... an ego trip of sorts.
Whatever the case, stop wondering and worrying about what his trip is and think of yourself... possibly for the first time in a long time. If you're not half crazy yet then you're doing alright. Don't get hung up on numbers, time, what others think, etc. Whatever makes you happy. There's your focus. | |
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| Is divorce like mourning a death?
Posted: 2/4/2009 10:50:55 AM | Yes, divorcing is like death. I am separated/divorcing after 15 years (we separated and reconciled at about 7yrs). I talked to my primary doc about it and asked him if it was normal to feel GREAT for a week and then CRASH and then wonderful for three days and then horrible for one, etc and how long would the roller coaster of emotions last? He said at least a year, and next to death of a child, then death of a parent, death or divorce of spouse is the next of the ten greatest stressors we may experience.
You have to make it through everything you were used to doing as a couple -by yourself and that takes time. Until you encounter those things, you may still crash from time to time. I would not place bets that he has moved on -people who refuse to deal with things generally get whalloped later emotionally. And men, in my humble opinion, are simply better at refocusing and moving forward. Women tend to analyze to determine how to become better next time.
Your life was not disposable just because it didn't work for the forever. It helped build who you are and what you want going forward. How you choose to handle it will also show your children that they, too can overcome these deep struggles and that they are no less of a human being, that their lives are no less meaningful, if their relationship(s) don't work. Would you use disposable logic with your children? I don't think so.
I don't think of my marriage as a failure at all. We did a lot of things together. We were what we needed at the time. We were great friends and lovers. We helped each other through some awful stuff. We had some fun learning to navigate this world. At the same time, our needs changed and we did indeed change into different people. That's life. People change. Sometimes you change together in the same direction and sometimes you don't.
You will make it through. There's a lot of living left for you. Go out and get it. | |
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| Is divorce like mourning a death?
Posted: 2/4/2009 10:51:32 AM |
Shock & Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, & Acceptance.
Some reach acceptance sooner, some later. It get's easier the more you practice it with the everyday ups and downs of life in general (no, it doesn't have to be about the bigger "downs" like a divorce or a death). Try accepting the way other people drive, for example. Try accepting yourself just the way you are, remember that God does not create garbage and that you are here for a purpose. God also wants you to be happy. That's all you need to know, religious or not.
Acceptance comes easier when we are able to leave the "results" of our lives up to God, (or some power greater than ourselves and of our own understanding). So resigning from the "results" business is a great way to start. Otherwise, it seems like we're always trying to "run the show" and be "in control". The depression stage of grief is tough, and some take very, very long to snap out of it. It took me a while after my divorce, and I had to get help with my alcoholism (alcohol is a depressant) before I could really move-on, work on that and start living again (the past 5 - 1/2 yrs have felt like I've been truly LIVING for the first time ever). All those years I turned my back on God, yet he was there, he never gave-up on me.
I was even mis-diagnosed with depression for a while in recovery. I was never suicidal though and that's the part that never figured into the equation for me. I finally learned that I do have A.D.D. (attention deficit disorder) I learned that people with my disorder are easily mis-diagnosed with depression. We simply beat ourselves-up because we're not like everyone else. When I learned all about my disorder and how to manage with it, I also stopped being so hard on myself.
With that, went my perfectionism and my "all or nothing" attitude towards life. I'm human, I'm allowed to make mistakes, provided I learn from them. I should also never FEAR making mistakes or taking risks. I also realized that my "depression" was merely the result of ME not getting off my @$$ and doing things I wanted to do. I had to take the actions, and function before my "so-called" depression vanished.
Sometimes our pain and misery actually becomes a very nice comfortable place (like a couch) we "want" to go (for some twisted reason) after we've wallowed in it long enough. Too much time thinking and feeling instead of doing. Right actions lead to right thinking and even feeling. It never works in reverse. Move a muscle, change a thought. You'll be surprised how getting active again will make those negative thoughts and feelings change and go away.
So I learned that I don't "move-on" from anything until I decide to, and actually start moving.
Mike | |
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| Is divorce like mourning a death?
Posted: 2/4/2009 10:55:31 AM | it depends on how closely your souls were commingled , missdkm
I think all of the stages you mention, you will go through, not in any particular order...but it always and only will ever end when you 'accept it'.
so, it is like mourning a death, I suppose.
except, It usually costs a lot more....
and....the basturds are still alive..........
takes a bit...just stay with yourself...work on you
don't worry about your ex..nothing in life is seamless...you know that.
peace today
Kimbo*********************************************** | |
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| Is divorce like mourning a death?
Posted: 2/4/2009 11:20:25 AM | | I’ll second that “ DivorceCare” group put on by local churches that the poster mentioned in msg 15. The instructors at the class I went to were amazing as well as the people taking it. It was nice to be around people who were going through the same thing and seeing how they dealt with things. | |
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| Is divorce like mourning a death?
Posted: 2/4/2009 11:45:14 AM | Thank you all for your insightful thoughts and suggestions....I know that time heals all wounds. How we chose to use that time varies by individual. I know that it may be upsetting me that he found someone else and was able to move on before me. Its just that the way he has gone about it, is so dishonoring to the marriage we had and the family/life we created at one time. I wouldn't feel right about going out and having sex with just anyone right now. I feel that I still need to be someone that maintains their integrity.... being that I have 2 adult kids sitting by the wayside "observing", with thoughts and opinions of their own. I have tried to put my energy into my work and my home and into doing things that are healthy for me, while I'm "healing". I've considered bring "faith" in a higher power into my life a little more and maybe a support group. Some of you may have given me the push I need in that direction.
Thanks again....Donna | |
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| Is divorce like mourning a death?
Posted: 2/4/2009 11:50:17 AM | doesn't really hit you until you get the final documents in the mail. then you bum around the house for about a week in self pity -and scotch.
one thing i learned is you cant blame or hate your ex for a failed marriage -it takes both of you to screw it up. -until you forgive them -you'll never get over them.
-after you forgive and forget. -it's time to pick up the shattered pieces of your life and move on. | |
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| Is divorce like mourning a death?
Posted: 2/4/2009 12:00:41 PM | OP like death people mourn differently..Just because your ex is in various relationships doesn't mean that he's not mourning.....It seems to me that your mourning the healthy way. Good luck  | |
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| Is divorce like mourning a death?
Posted: 2/4/2009 12:51:01 PM | | my marriage of over 35 years ended in 2008....it was like a death in some ways....but trust me.....death is final.....divorce is a new beginning. We lost a son to an accident 5 years before the marriage ended......and there is no compariosn to losing a child and losing a husband......none. You either choose to stay where you are, or pick yourself up by the seat of your pants and move forwward......that is the decision that I have made....to move forward...learn from the mistakes of the past...so that you do not make the same ones again....life is too short to be living in the past.... good luck to you!!!! | |
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