| At what point.............
Posted: 2/4/2009 4:52:13 PM | do you stop waiting for them to make a decision to marry again? Do you believe that more than 2-3 years is enough to decide to make it permanent? I love him, but I do not want to be by myself every night any more. I know now, that I am lonely and miss the companionship of a marriage. He and I gel very well and I just adore him, but one night every 2-3 weeks for a few hours is not enough.
We both have children and active careers and lifestyles. We are not apart because we do not want to be together, but kid's activities, work and long distance Exes give us little free time to be a couple.
I can support myself financially, take care of a home, children etc. but when do you draw the line and decide that once in a while is just not enough. | |
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| At what point.............
Posted: 2/4/2009 5:00:16 PM | | Hi Carolann, when do you draw the line, when the hurt and loneliness. is too much, I guess.You cant control his behaviour or choices.I assume you have discussed this, as you are an intelligent woman.Make your own ultimatums to yourself.Go for what you want and dont hold back.If he refuses, you have your answer.Three years is long enough.Set your own limits and stick with them.Only you know this man, and can guage how sincere he is. Put your cards on the table and they will fall, as they may.If he does not appreciate a fine woman, well he is not worth it.Good luck babe. | |
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| At what point.............
Posted: 2/4/2009 5:01:46 PM | Is the future something you've talked about with him?? I know kids and careers are a handful but you should be able to make plans for when they're finally out of the house.
I'm in a ldr and only see my girlfriend every few weeks but we've talked about a future together. I wouldn't be in a relationship if there wasn't a point to it. Let's face it we're not getting any younger, if he can't at least commit to commit it may be time to start looking again. | |
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| At what point.............
Posted: 2/4/2009 5:01:56 PM | Look, as soon as you decide you'd rather be alone than with him is the time to let him go his own way.
It doesn't matter how much time has passed.
What matters is how you feel without him and whether you can live with him whenever the two of you can meet or if you just don't feel like it anymore.
Do you like him?
Or can you take it or leave it? | |
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| At what point.............
Posted: 2/4/2009 5:07:53 PM | I had a 2 year relationship with same frequency of seeing each other as you have.
I wanted very much to continue. But when I began to open conversations with him...about where we were going with it, he admitted he had a fear of committing to me or anyone. He could not see anything more permanent than what we had.
So, I called it off.
I wish I would have known sooner...he was great but he wanted it to stay the way it was.
I wanted to build.
It's OK if you do not want the same things. But it is not OK to string someone along.
Better have a serious talk about where he stands and if you are going to fine with it. | |
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| At what point.............
Posted: 2/4/2009 5:25:15 PM | | Carol..., Sorry for the personal question is it the same man with whom you broke up a couple months ago (after 2 years) because you wanted a marrige commitment and he didn't? | |
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| At what point.............
Posted: 2/4/2009 5:34:27 PM | I hear ya' girl and I understand your frustration...once in awhile IS NOT good enough to see someone you love, not unless both parties have agreed that is the kind of relationship you want to be in long term.
I don't want to put my life on hold for someone who may or may not ever be ready for a true committment. I know there are no guarantees, but damn!!!
I wish the best for you. | |
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| At what point.............
Posted: 2/4/2009 5:38:09 PM | This brings to mind a quote of (cowering as I say this) Ann Landers: "Ask yourself, is your life better with, or without, him?" 
I think that pertains more to considering leaving a marriage or live-in arrangement, however, then leaving someone because they won't commit to the type of relationship that you feel you need. I agree with whoever said there shouldn't be a time line so much as how happy or unhappy you are with the way things are. If it doesn't look like your goals are in harmony then it's important to keep that in mind and be realistic. | |
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| At what point.............
Posted: 2/4/2009 5:40:16 PM |
At what point do you stop waiting for them to make a decision to marry again?
When you reach the pinnacle. The point where you can see clearly that you are looking in one direction and he isn't.
Do you believe that more than 2-3 years is enough to decide to make it permanent?
I think "enough" time varies with each person, carolann. Some of it depends on how many failed relationships one has had, how much (effective) introspection and reflection they have done regarding those failed relationships, how much they come to value themselves enough to know they have "what it takes" and to try again, trust again and throw their entire being back into it.
I love him, but I do not want to be by myself every night any more. I know now, that I am lonely and miss the companionship of a marriage.
When you come to know which you'd miss more.....companionship of a marriage, or the guy you love, you'll know.
He and I gel very well and I just adore him, but one night every 2-3 weeks for a few hours is not enough. We both have children and active careers and lifestyles. We are not apart because we do not want to be together, but kid's activities, work and long distance Exes give us little free time to be a couple.
I think the biggest factor in this whole statement, is the ages of each of your kids. Do either one of your have kids younger than 16? If not, then you'll only have to deal with the LD exes for a couple more years, as well as, the activities. Work, obviously isn't going to change (well, more than likely). If kids and exes were out of the equation, would work still interfere with what you long for......the contact and togetherness?
I can support myself financially, take care of a home, children etc. but when do you draw the line and decide that once in a while is just not enough.
When you can no longer see light at the end of the relationship tunnel. When you can look back and (honestly) say within the core of your being that, "It wasn't meant to be", or "It just would never have worked". If you can't honestly say that, I think you owe it to yourself to keep trying. But by absolutely zero means, by yourself. Refer back to that point about the pinnacle.
Communication is key here (as it usually is), but especially with infrequent contact (or contact that doesn't appease both partners). You NEED to know what his thoughts are. And if everything were cool after that, you guys NEED to talk to each other often.....almost treat it like an LDR.
JMO. Good luck, OP.
~ds~ | |
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| At what point.............
Posted: 2/4/2009 5:40:42 PM | You wait until the pain of loosing them is less than the pain of never being with them.
Only the two of you can answer that question. As you've told many others, it's time to talk to him about just that. | |
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| At what point.............
Posted: 2/4/2009 5:42:29 PM | Carolann,is this the same man you wrote about in the Forums late last year......??
I seem to remember your Thread struck a cord with a lot of people and you got some great responses..................(most thinking you were a saint for persevering with this relationship)
So,sadly,seems like nothing has changed (for you)......??
It seems you're at a standstill in that YOU want more and he's happy the way things are........so,if he doesn't want your relationship to evolve and is not budging,then,you have to decide if whatever you have *now is going to be enough for you forever?
I,personally think that if you're not on the same page by now,you never will be.
*Ps.One night every 2-3 weeks would not be nearly enough for a LOT of people.
I really wish you Luck and the Very Best.....
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| At what point.............
Posted: 2/4/2009 5:51:15 PM | Once every 2-3 weeks all the way to marriage is a pretty big jump. If you all are so busy and don't have time for each other, how is a marriage really going to feel anyway? It's possible to feel lonely in a marriage too. Maybe you can try something in between first--up your effort to spend more time together and share more of your lives.
Another thought: You're labeling your yearning for companionship as a desire for marriage. But maybe if you spend more time together like I said, it'll be enough for you not to be lonely and you won't be projecting onto the marriage idea so much.
Another further different thought: You mention that you both have active lifestyles. That's an alarm bell. It sounds like you both need space and independence and have things going on that really wouldn't have a way to fit the other one in. Would marriage clip your wings? | |
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| At what point.............
Posted: 2/4/2009 5:51:47 PM |
do you stop waiting for them to make a decision to marry again? Do you believe that more than 2-3 years is enough to decide to make it permanent? I love him, but I do not want to be by myself every night any more. Ask him to marry you. It's really that simple. If he says no or hee-haws, end the relationship and seek someone else more compatible. | |
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| At what point.............
Posted: 2/4/2009 5:53:25 PM | Awww dang, carolann...I had hoped it would get better for ya.
The question here is are you in a position to make a full time commitment? If you aren't, it isn't going to do one bit of good to move on. The same thing will happen with the next guy. Just as you aren't happy with the sporadic time together with this guy, do you think another guy would be happy when you can't devote the time and energy to him he would like?
In every relationship, there is the moment that you absolutely know it's going to go forward, or it's going to be over. IMO, as long as you are asking the question, you don't know, and you aren't quite ready to give it up. Until you can positively tell yourself it's time to move on, your head and heart aren't into it.
Whatever happens, I wish all the best for you. | |
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| At what point.............
Posted: 2/4/2009 5:54:29 PM | | I also believe from the previous post that you actually have spent quite a bit time with him and made references taht you were doing a lot of things together. He was just short on a proposal and you broke up when he was not ready to give it to you. | |
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| I don't mean this to sound harsh or badly...
Posted: 2/4/2009 6:00:11 PM | ...but if you can only coordinate your lives to be together once a few weeks now...and but for a few hours...
a) What makes you think you actually know each other well enough to marry (and trust me - I say this from experience)
b) What makes you think you will be able to restructure your lives so dramatically that you can go from a few hours every few weeks to MARRIED???
Seems to me you have a WHOLE LOT to discuss regarding expectations and logistics before a marriage proposal can just come out of nowhere...which now that I think about it...how come you can't propose to him? Afraid he might say "no"? Perhaps he feels the same way...seems to me you guys have LOTS of (logistical) reasons to take pass...he might be just as concerned... | |
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| At what point.............
Posted: 2/4/2009 6:02:13 PM |
Carol..., Sorry for the personal question is it the same man with whom you broke up a couple months ago (after 2 years) because you wanted a marrige commitment and he didn't?
...it seems this question has already been settled. All that is left is the realization that it has been... | |
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| At what point.............
Posted: 2/4/2009 6:04:34 PM | God you're not only smart (read alot of your replies) but cute (or should I say pretty). Well, why don't you just ask him where he thinks this relationship is going? I've said it in quite a few posts "were not mind readers" either sex, hell, maybe he's wondering the same thing?
BTW, my wife and I LIVED together 2 years before she asked me. | |
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| This is all...
Posted: 2/4/2009 6:04:39 PM |
Once every 2-3 weeks all the way to marriage is a pretty big jump. If you all are so busy and don't have time for each other, how is a marriage really going to feel anyway?
...a brother is trying to say.
19??? Out of the mouths of babes.....hey there is another thread with a 33 year old...she could use your help with the whole maturity / perspective thing... | |
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| Wow...
Posted: 2/4/2009 6:10:24 PM |
I had a 2 year relationship with same frequency of seeing each other as you have.
I wanted very much to continue. But when I began to open conversations with him...about where we were going with it, he admitted he had a fear of committing to me or anyone. He could not see anything more permanent than what we had.
So, I called it off.
I wish I would have known sooner...he was great but he wanted it to stay the way it was.
...that is just...amazing to me.
I really don't see how a "relationship" with a few hours contact every few weeks could be satisfying or sustainable. I would just assume...speaking for myself...that this person wanted nothing more than that....else there would be discussion about how to facilitate more....after like...6 months in my mind.
Frankly, there is no way such a relationship could or would be exclusive either, speaking for myself. We could acknowledge that we care a great deal for each other and will consider trying to facilitate something more "normal" in time...but until that day came, no way in hell I'd be keeping my life on hold...in any context.
One thing though...if there has been no talk...how is either person being "(strung) along"? You have to ask for what you want...which was my point of the proceeding paragraphs.... | |
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| At what point.............
Posted: 2/4/2009 6:16:54 PM | | It sounds like you're already considering where the line should go. The next trick is to either move forward or to create a void so you can get what you want. | |
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| Wow...
Posted: 2/4/2009 6:18:19 PM | sorry to hear all this, it must be very unsatisfactory. Basically you are lonely in a relationship. A few hours every few weeks is not sufficient, have you managed a vacation together to see what it is like 24/7?
could it be worked out geographically? I mean rhetorically could you or he move to each other's towns, change jobs, shift one set of kids? These are all things to try to figure out. How much longer before one set of kids are 16+?
After 2 years if there is no long-term plan I would say both of you are in this LDR for comfort and fear of being alone but to be honest you are really alone in this.
hugs though xx | |
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| At what point.............
Posted: 2/4/2009 6:18:46 PM |
At what point............. do you stop waiting for them to make a decision to marry again?
Immmediately. Stop waiting. I know you feel frustrated because he doesn't act the way you want him to. I had to realize that people don't act the way I want them to most of the time. Start acting on your own, and be the force of positive change that you need.
I don't know what changes you are expecting, but your OP gives some ideas of what you want. As some have suggested less generally, try to list what you want, what you need, what you have, and what you don't want as separate entities and then decide what you should do. Everything should fall into place a lot easier with a clear idea of the different categories.
Do you believe that more than 2-3 years is enough to decide to make it permanent? If he had died yesterday, it was already permanent. If you make it permanent today, it could end tommorrow in an argument or a plane crash. What is permanent? Certainly nothing in this life. Pre-nups make more guarantees than a marriage license.
I know now, that I am lonely and miss the companionship of a marriage. He and I gel very well and I just adore him, but one night every 2-3 weeks for a few hours is not enough.
And you expect the time to change if you marry? It could actually get worse after the marriage. Would you look to end the marriage if he spent less time with you after you got married, or are you simply chasing the paper lion? | |
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| At what point.............
Posted: 2/4/2009 6:24:17 PM | | After 2-3 years at our age, if he cannot decide whether he wants to marry you, then it's time to reevaluate your life. I understand not wanting to spend every night by yourself and once every 2-3 weeks is not spending that much time together. You two need to sit down and discuss your situation. It's not really fair to you if he has no intention of ever remarrying and that is what you want. Sit down together and weigh the pros and cons of proceeding further. Good luck! | |
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| At what point.............
Posted: 2/4/2009 6:27:20 PM | when any relationship is causing more pain than pleasure
when you're crying more than laughing | |
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