| Long first meetings
Posted: 2/7/2009 3:10:24 AM | | I have had several 4-5 hour first meetings, thinking that things were going well, and then never hearing from the guy again. Why would someone spend so much time with you if they never intended on contacting you again? | |
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| Long first meetings
Posted: 2/7/2009 3:32:26 AM | | Perhaps it is not because they wanted to spend 4-5 hours but because the venue required it (dinner, nite out, etc). That is why I prefer a coffee/drink first meetng. That way, if it's not clicking it can end briefly. If it lasts beyond the first beverage it might be a good sign. | |
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| Long first meetings
Posted: 2/7/2009 5:26:40 AM | Maybe they were too polite to tell you they wanted to leave.
Maybe you were too polite and let the meeting prolonge too much.
Definitely a first meeting should be no longer than 45mins to an hour.
It works wonders this way. Then you go home and will truly know if it is something you want to do more often or it's something you don't want to repeat again.
IMO | |
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| Long first meetings
Posted: 2/7/2009 5:59:03 AM | | Never ever spend that much time on a first meeting, no matter how well you think things are going. It makes you look like you have WAY too much free time on your hands, which makes the think they are gonna have to be filling it up if they hang with you. I am just saying. | |
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| Long first meetings
Posted: 2/7/2009 7:04:27 AM | | I'm one for a coffee or a drink for first meeting. I don't pre-plan more than that. 5 years ago I had a first meet that lasted 4 hours. We just talked for 4 hours - we ended up dating for 3 years. | |
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| Long first meetings
Posted: 2/7/2009 7:16:22 AM | I don't think a 4-5 hour date is overly long, if ,say you went out to dinner and then for drinks. Does that include travel time, etc...?
A few years ago, I had joined POF for dating, and I had met a guy, we emailed, im-ed, talked on the phone, etc. He lived about an hour and a half away from me. When we started to plan to meet, he started talking about spending the night, and then the whole next day together. That was overkill, and it scared me. I understand that it's a far way to travel, but I wouldn't allow him to come to my home, nor did I want to commit to spending the next day with him if he had stayed in a local hotel. I ended up not meeting him at all, I felt he was being too pushy.
Set some limits on your time. As others have suggested, meet for coffee, or a light lunch, maybe 2 hours or so for a first meeting. | |
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| Long first meetings
Posted: 2/7/2009 8:09:55 AM | Butterflie: He lived about an hour and a half away from me. When we started to plan to meet, he started talking about spending the night, and then the whole next day together. That was overkill, and it scared me. I understand that it's a far way to travel ...
Your story amazes me! An hour and a half drive does not require an overnight stay in my part of the country. It merely means ending the date early enough for him (or her?) to stay awake while driving home. By 10 or 11 p.m., the couple could easily have had several hours together, and that's plenty for a date.
Your post indicates that the problem wasn't distance as much as it was the pushy nature of the man. He seems to have wanted more from you than you were willing to share.
OP: I have had several 4-5 hour first meetings, thinking that things were going well, and then never hearing from the guy again. Why would someone spend so much time with you if they never intended on contacting you again?
In my opinion, a first meeting should be designed to be short (an hour or less), but allowed to run longer if both parties agree.
Sometimes it's hard to tell from a short first meeting whether I want to continue with a man. If it takes longer to get a feel for the chemistry (or lack of it), then I'll take longer. I might have a lengthy first meeting, or I might see the man a second or third time. When this happens, it means nothing more than it's taking me longer than expected to assess our level of chemistry.
In addition, there are men who appear to be perfect on paper or, in one way or another, are particularly outstanding, but I can't make myself feel what I want to feel for them. A sense of "almost-but-not-quite" drives the process into overtime. I spend more time with them because I want to give the relationship as much opportunity as possible to develop into something meaningful.
OP, your partners may have enjoyed your company, but didn't think the relationship could progress in the way they hoped. It's also possible that between the first meeting and the second, they were distracted by another fish. | |
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| Long first meetings
Posted: 2/7/2009 9:20:15 AM | ...........................................................................................................................................
hmmm 4 - 5 hour first meet?? What did you do during that 4 or 5 hours? Maybe he got what he wanted ..
That's a longgggggggg first meet ... I agree with those who suggest a quick coffee type meet. That 4 or 5 hours is more a 'date' IMO .. I'd rather "Meet" first, see if we have 'that' connection and Then (maybe) the date..
Still curious what's going on during those 4 + hour first meets.. | |
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| Long first meetings
Posted: 2/7/2009 9:57:26 AM | | Things may have been going well. The guy may have enjoyed the meeting. But that doesn't necessarily mean that he'd want another date. In the course of 5 hours he may eventually have started to discover things about you that made him think he didn't want to date you or a red flag may have come up. Sadly having a good time once doesn't necessarily mean someone would want to date you. | |
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| Long first meetings
Posted: 2/7/2009 10:14:44 AM | | When I first meet someone we usually go to dinner then out for drinks. I spend about 5 hours on a date with them. I feel u commit to a date and I can talk to anyone so we always have a fun time. That doesn't mean I want to date them. It means we had a fun date. It just means they are not into u. Move on there are many fish out there. | |
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| Long first meetings
Posted: 2/7/2009 11:13:18 AM | | i would much prefer to get to know someone by talking on the phone than just a meet and greet. i want to like the ladies personality and attitude and be able to have fun. i always kiss them as soon as we meet because we have talked and feel comfortable with each other. | |
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| Long first meetings
Posted: 2/7/2009 11:16:49 AM | [hmmm 4 - 5 hour first meet?? What did you do during that 4 or 5 hours? Maybe he got what he wanted .. ]
why is it always he got what he wanted........ maybe they both got what they BOTH wanted.
i don't think i ever dated anyone long term where our first date was anything less than about 4 hours. | |
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| Long first meetings
Posted: 2/7/2009 11:19:42 AM | i would much prefer to get to know someone by talking on the phone than just a meet and greet.
I refuse to get into that meet/greet stuff. If that's that plan, I'm opting out. Time on the phone and email will tell both people if there is a reason for a first "date" and if there isn't enough reason for a "date" I'm not going.
~OP~ I have no idea why someone would spend that much time with someone without a second date ~ unless it was what the first date consisted of. (Like stated previously. Dinner, movie, etc., etc.) I'll usually know within an hour if there is a possibility of a subsequent date and if there isn't ~ it's best to just stick a fork in it ~ it's done. JMO  | |
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| Long first meetings
Posted: 2/7/2009 11:30:07 AM | nothing wrong at all with a long first meeting. sometimes you just start with coffee or lunch but find a spark and go for a walk or something that's going on in town, etc and before you know it, you've spent 4-5 hours with the person. why someone would choose to spend that much time with another person on a date and then never call again is beyond me. doesn't make a whole lot of sense. then again, did you expect guys to be logical or rational when you started dating them?  | |
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55Von
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Joined: 1/26/2009
Msg: 15 | |
| Long first meetings
Posted: 2/7/2009 3:02:07 PM | I have to agree with you .. after talking to a few guys, I have heard that some woman can be very pushy ..
and I also agree about talking on the phone first , this way when you see each other for the first time .. it's not like that job interview.
my last date stated at six and we talked so much we forgot to order dinner. We had drinks, did a lot of laughing the date ended at ten pm , and because we talked on the phone for long hours .. we told each other that we would not each orther for four days before the meeting ..
We had more to say when we got together. Four hours is no big deal ..
And the only thing that keeps us away from each other, I can not deal with his ex wife .. | |
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| Long first meetings
Posted: 2/7/2009 3:20:20 PM | Perhaps they were being polite. Maybe they needed that long to decide if they wanted to see you again, or not.
And maybe the date did go well, but the elusive "spark" was missing and the men were not looking for women with whom to hang out.
Just dust yourself off and go to the next. | |
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| Long first meetings
Posted: 2/7/2009 3:20:24 PM | A first meet should be exactly that. A meet.
Keep it short, sweet, and friendly.
Meet for some coffee, a drink, some light tapas, window shopping - something fun and engaging where you can actually get to know each other.
It where you actually meet the person and decide if you want to go on a date or not. That being said, I've gone on a few planned 20 minute meets that turned into a 5 hour date. :)
I'm sorry, but I've just had too many experiences where the person that showed up wasn't the person I was expecting based upon emails/IM/Phone conversations, and I refuse to get 'stuck' with someone I'm not into. Ergo if a woman insists on the high $ dinner or whatever for a meet - it's a red flag. | |
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| Long first meetings
Posted: 2/7/2009 3:24:38 PM | I had a 10 hour first date many years ago.
I had travelled 100 miles so maybe it wasnt that odd.
We just got on so well and we both had a lot to talk about.
Sadly in the end it didnt work out but that was due to outside influences. | |
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| Long first meetings
Posted: 2/7/2009 3:30:35 PM | | My last meeting was 5 hours. We were only meeting for a drink, and the night flew by, we talked and laughed all night. It was a chain restaurant, (get your minds out of the gutter) anyway, thought there was a great connection and chemistry, we continued to talk nightly on the phone, and here, and then he just disappeared.profile and all, I see he is now back on pof, guess he found a new fishy... oh well these things happen, his loss | |
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| Long first meetings
Posted: 2/7/2009 3:35:00 PM | 4 months ago I went out on a date with this girl, and we went for drinks at a pub. The meeting ended up being about 4.5 hours, and we were talking back and forth the whole time.
The reason I'm posting this was because at the end of the night, she said she had a great time, and I told her I wanted to see her again. Anyway, because at that time I didn't want to play by those stupid dating rules, I decided not to call her and wanted to see if she would call back (In a way to validate that she did have a good time and wanted to get together again)
She never did call back. I guess you just have to play by the rules. I would've called her back, I just didn't want to.
So maybe you might be in the same situation as I was.. I don't know for sure. | |
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| Long first meetings
Posted: 2/7/2009 3:48:31 PM | thebestbeancounter: dude, seriously, be the man, take the lead, call her. the poor girl was sitting at home thinking to her self "is he going to call me? didnt he say he had a good time? why isnt he calling me?"
as for long first dates. I recomend planning multiple activities, perhaps bowling, then coffee, then throwing a frisbee in a park etc. so if its going really well then you can continue doing things. and its not just the one thing, so it will make it feel as though even more time has passed. The key is to leave on a high. dont wait until conversation, kissing, or whatever has dwindled to call it a night. you want to leave with the other person still haveing awesome memories of you in their head. that will make them want to see you again, cause they want to feel those awesome feelings again.
(same with phone conversations, dont stay on the phone up until the point of conversation stagnation)
Dave | |
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| Long first meetings
Posted: 2/7/2009 3:48:36 PM | | Thanks for everyone's input. I always email the next day to thank the man and say that I enjoyed the meeting. I guess that I am old-fashioned. I think that it is then up to the man to make the next move. | |
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| Long first meetings
Posted: 2/7/2009 3:59:49 PM | Funny...on my paid dating site days..I met up with a guy that brought me a rose..we went putt putt golfing..went bowling..said goodbye..and never saw him again.
Such is life. | |
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bsg789
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Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 24 | |
| Long first meetings
Posted: 2/7/2009 4:07:47 PM | | I don't think there should any time limits on a first date / meetings. I think people should do any activity where the first date /meeting could be extended if it is going well or cut short if it is going really bad. It doesn't have to be a coffee date either. You could meet a person in a park, have a few drinks in a sports bar while watching a game, or have a quick game of pool or mini-golf. It is fairly common in internet dating for a first date to go well. But a second date never happens. There are many different reasons for it. One person met another person that (s)he was more attracted to. (S)he wanted to remain single. (S)he went back to his/her previous significant other. | |
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| Long first meetings
Posted: 2/7/2009 4:14:39 PM | Just like a kiss is not a contract... four or five hour meetings is not a given that they will contact you again.
Some men are just too polite to say sorry there is no attraction to you or I’m just not interested in meeting again. And others are more than happy to meet, enjoy the company of a lady, and then it’s done. Off he goes and off you go. If you want to avoid long meetings, make the meeting place "not so comfortable"... like Tim’s coffee shop. Personally any meeting in there would have me in and out in five minutes! | |
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