advice / help required Free Dating, Singles and Personals

Joined: 10/7/2008
Msg: 1

advice / help requiredPage 1 of 9 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
Hi Alberta POF'ers Well I've emerged from being a lurker for the last several months and would like to hear some input for my relationship situation. Its been just about a year since I posted on a forum. Anyways....Had a huge blowout with the girlfriend I've been living with for the last 9 months this past wednesday. When I came home from work I advised her son (he's 12) that the next time I caught him not washing his hands after going to the bathroom I was going to put a lock on his bathroom door and he would have to share his moms and mine with us. I did this in frustration after 15+ times of trying the nice approach and discussing this with him and have talked about hygiene and what other kids would think of him if they found out. I told him that I am sick of talking to him about this and needs to get his act together. Anyways....when his mom came home from work I guess her told her about our conversation and she confronted me and was furious. We started yelling back and forth and then after pouring water on my head she advised that she was going to pour some on my laptop that I was working on. So ash she was making her way to my laptop I restrained her by putting her in a bearhug. She then proceeded to bite my arm. I am thankful that I was wearing a sweater because it looks like I got in a fight with a pitbull and lost. I was bleeding all over the place and it is nasty looking. So I told her that I was going to call the police which I did. The professional officers did a good job of calming everyone down and wanted one of us to leave. I said that I am the one who was assaulted and called 911 so she could bloody well leave. So she did - her and her boy packed up a few things while the police were there and left. I haven't seen or heard from them since! But they have several relatives and friends in town so I know that they are ok. I don't know what is going to happen next on her end but I need some advice for what I need to do. I am confused. I love her but when I look at my arm and how she was going to destroy my laptop for laying down the law with her son about his hand washing problem I get really confused. Perhaps this is a good time to go our separate ways. I don't know. Thank you for your responses. Hydro.

Joined: 12/5/2007
Msg: 2

advice / help required Posted: 2/7/2009 3:57:52 PM
Who's house is it /name on the lease? Who ever is in control of the abode will stay and the other one leaves. I'm sorry...but is someone phreaked out that badly over BATHROOM etiquette....they are clearly not well balanced. Watering someone's lap top, bitting them...these are not the behaviours of a rational person. Do you really want to be with someone who is that unstable??? Do yourself a favour...dump her!

ratherBgolfing

Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 3

advice / help required Posted: 2/7/2009 4:09:35 PM
There's always two sides to every story, but I'll tell you what: physical abuse is physical abuse. You had her in a bear hug. She bit you. I'm guessing this was not the first physical confrontation between you. I can almost guarantee if you continue your relationship, it won't be the last. I'd say move on, not necessarily because you're beter off without her, but because the two of you are better off without each other.

Joined: 4/23/2006
Msg: 4

advice / help required Posted: 2/7/2009 4:14:57 PM
You mess with a Mom's kid, you see the REAL MOM! A huge fight like this over washing hands after a washroom break? SERIOUSLY? IMO, you started the fight, you were the aggressor, and you started it with a child that is not yours. You most DEFINITELY overreacted over such a menial circumstance. That is NOT love. Not in the least little, tiny bit. My advice, since you are looking for it ... Seek help for YOUR anger issues, and find a woman who doesn't have children. P.s.... bravo to Mom for sticking up for her babe!!!

Joined: 10/7/2008
Msg: 5

advice / help required Posted: 2/7/2009 4:18:08 PM
Thank you for your advise you guys. I appreciate it. The situation is complicated because I have known this gal for 20+ years and she moved to Calgary from a long ways away to be with me. She doesn't make enough money at her job to just move out easily - I pay 3/4 of the rent in our place (lease is in my name). Its not that easy to dump her and move on. She is well aware of the fact of how many discussions have been had with her son about his bathroom etiquette. I have scratched my head many times since wondering why it never occured to her that I might have a point. I know from her end that she loves her son and was standing up for him.

Joined: 10/7/2008
Msg: 6

advice / help required Posted: 2/7/2009 4:27:23 PM
Fox. Please explain how I have anger issues? I advised her son (remember I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING ONLY ADVISED) that the next time I caught him not washing his hands after going to the bathroom that he was going to forefit his right to have his own bathroom and would have to share ours with us. He's doesn't wash his hands because he forgets - he doesn't wash his hands because he's too lazy too. On the rare occasion that I take a look in his bathroom it reminds me of an outhouse. I get grossed out when I go in the fridge and think about how his hands have been over everything. Don't you find that a bit digusting Fox? I was not the one that was going to destroy a laptop or bit anyone. To me that says she's PSYCHO (loud and clear). I have not phoned her nor has she contacted me and I don't think that I should be the one to make first contact after what happened.

Joined: 4/23/2006
Msg: 7

advice / help required Posted: 2/7/2009 4:28:31 PM
So..... She moved to be with you ... She is broke with a son ... And you took advantage of the fact that you pay 3/4 of the rent and had a mother and child removed from their home? Poor you that it's so tough to not just dump her (and her son) and move on. .... wow, that must be a heartbreaker experience for you. Meanwhile, this woman is miles away from home, and has nowhere to go. (but hey, you got the house dude!!!) She is well aware of the fact of how many discussions have been had with her son about his bathroom etiquette UH, maybe the issue wasn't as important to her than you. This was YOUR issue with the child (and I'm guessing not the ONLY issue). Back off on the kid... holy. She picked her fight, and I hope she finds a better man who treats her AND her son with adoration, appreciation, and............... RESPECT! OE: I don't find it disgusting Hydro... He's a kid. You will find the same behaviour with ANY woman you meet who has children. Pick your fights, and if you have such a big problem about that, stay single and alone.

Joined: 12/5/2007
Msg: 8

advice / help required Posted: 2/7/2009 4:34:08 PM
Fox - that is ridiculous! Physically abusing someone is sticking up for your kid? Over a DISCUSSION about washing hands?? Wholly and utterly ridiculous! My god...I can only imagine what you say/do to teachers who may have something unflattering to say about your kids. Do you physically abuse them in the name of 'sticking by your son' ??? Regardless of how heated the argument got...words are how you communicate and solve issues...not property destruction and physical abusing someone. I'm sure we only have a portion of the story. Did the bear hug turn into a boa constrictor hug - maybe. Did she feel threatened? Possibly. If you can't talk to each other without getting physical then the relationship needs to end for the safety of everyone involved. Staying with her because she can't afford to make it on her own for her and her son is really not doing any0ne good in the long run . Resentment is likely going to build and then you're in for more physical confrontations.

spoiledsambo

Joined: 9/20/2005
Msg: 9
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advice / help required Posted: 2/7/2009 4:41:53 PM
At Alluria...I agree with Fox. You gots to be a mother to know! If you ain't a mom, you haven't a clue...period. @ Hydro. Be honest with yourself and the rest of us if you want advice. There is always two sides to pancake. If you nagged at him to wash his hands, what else did you nag about. What's the problem if the boy didn't wash his hands? Really. SO EFF'N what!! He isn't your kid. If it bothers you so much, talk to the mother in private and suggest that she talk to HER son. I think that this situation was a pot just waiting to spill over. Don't tell me that this lady freaked out so much JUST because to told him you'd lock his bathroom door. I'm sorry Hydro, I'm on the mother's side. I think that she had had enough of you razzlin her boy. I wouldn't go back. And as for her boy/child.....gawd dam Hydro, what a selfish thing to do to call the police - did you really think your life was threatened? And you had them leave? I absolutely would not be returning. But that's just simple Sammie's opinion!!

Joined: 4/23/2006
Msg: 10

advice / help required Posted: 2/7/2009 4:44:24 PM
Fox - that is ridiculous! Physically abusing someone is sticking up for your kid? From what the OP said, this has been a long time argument. He was home alone with the child, and took the opportunity to send his message to the child, without Mom. My guess is there were other issues BESIDES this one that warranted a police call-out. What I gather from the OP is he was abusive (mentally) towards her son in the past, and this issue was her breaking point. Bear hug?? I would love to hear her side of the story.

Shaun~N~Die

Joined: 1/3/2008
Msg: 11

advice / help required Posted: 2/7/2009 4:45:02 PM
I don't think this relationship is healthy at all.....on either side. I am wondering why you chose to bear hug her rather than go save the laptop/pick it up? What give you the right to put your hands or arms on her over an object? The first time my ex physically abused me he was the one to turn around and call the police too. However in the long run he was the one to end up in jail over and over and now has a court ordered no contact with his own kids. Abusers will use the police too if they think it can be to their advantage. In any healthy argument neither side makes is physical. A counselor once gave the best advice that I now live by. "Love shouldn't hurt."

Joined: 12/5/2007
Msg: 12

advice / help required Posted: 2/7/2009 4:47:58 PM
Just so I'm clear...you and Fox both think it's OK to cause physical harm to someone for them talking about/to your child. Not laying hands on them...but talking to your child. You think it's OK to bite or throw water or cause property damage because someone is saying something you don't agree with to your kid??? Wow. That is nuts. When is violence not OK for you? Can you always use the "I'm being the momma bear" excuse for anytime you go off the deep end and bite or kick or whatever at someone who is not laying hands on your kid? I'm not saying that the bathroom talk was not silly as well...but my god - why would violence ever EVER be OK in this situation?? Good parenting there - What you are telling your kids is that when words fail you...lash out physically.

areelady

Joined: 3/16/2007
Msg: 13
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advice / help required Posted: 2/7/2009 4:48:21 PM
Oh you betcha! Fox....right on the money....like....come on....there are way more life issues....Kudos to the Mom!!

Shaun~N~Die

Joined: 1/3/2008
Msg: 14

advice / help required Posted: 2/7/2009 4:49:18 PM
While I agree with you(alluria) that violence is nuts. I do not think it was okay that he put his hands/arms on her in that situation either.

Joined: 10/7/2008
Msg: 15

advice / help required Posted: 2/7/2009 4:57:27 PM
Thank you for all of your comments you guys. I appreciate them. Just to clarify - I am the last guy to ever get physical with a girl. That is so not cool. Just ask my sister about how protective I have been with her over the years. She had a glass of water from a tap that's about 15 feet from my laptop. I tried to stand in her path and I put her in a bearhug when she got past me. Nothing more than trying to restrain her. I showed the officers the trail of water leading from the sink and they did not feel that I wasn't doing anything more than protecting my property. She didn't have any bruises or scratches - nothing to merit further investigation by the police. And for all those people saying that I should have been the one to leave perhaps they didn't read the part that I was bleeding. If I was going to go anywhere it was going to be to the hospital to have my arm looked at. I have no relatives in Calgary - read that ZERO. She has lots - read that LOTS. Am I supposed to go and fork out money for a hotel after I've just been biten? When I showed my co-workers my arm the response was "holy sh&". If I wasn't wearing a sweater I would have had a CHUNK of my arm biten off. Me leave? I don't bloody well think so.....

Joined: 2/2/2009
Msg: 16

advice / help required Posted: 2/7/2009 4:59:28 PM
All I want to say, is a truly hope the OP and his GF do not get back together for the sake of the child. Right now I am thinking of that poor kid and just so sad for him. The situation his Mom is in and the crap he has just been throu. Poor kid.. This poster has brought back huge nightmares for me from my own childhood and what it is like to have a controlling step parent. I believe boyfriends/girlfriends of the parent should be friends to the children and nothing more. Treat them like a teacher or librarian or babysitter would, be their friend.... I truly do hope the poster stays away from women with children.

Shaun~N~Die

Joined: 1/3/2008
Msg: 17

advice / help required Posted: 2/7/2009 5:03:15 PM
Fine. You were protecting your property, but you still have no right to put you hands on anyone in an angry situation. It's only going to make the situation worse. Like I said, why not go pick up the laptop? Remove IT from danger. If things are heated the other party has no right to put their hands on the angry party. Having dealt with many cops through years of abuse I know with whom they usually side.....

Joined: 4/23/2006
Msg: 18

advice / help required Posted: 2/7/2009 5:03:34 PM
Hydro... so, you tell her what happened between you and her son, and she walked over and bit you?? I call bullshit.

Joined: 2/2/2009
Msg: 19

advice / help required Posted: 2/7/2009 5:04:05 PM
UH, maybe the issue wasn't as important to her than you. This was YOUR issue with the child (and I'm guessing not the ONLY issue). Back off on the kid... holy. I totally agree with this. Kids are young, impressonable humans. They are growing their spirit, finding their way, trying to figure out where they fit in with the whole world. I would be more concerned that young people in my life do well in school, make friends, play sports, be happy...then become obsessive about hand washing. I think we all know where Niles Crane gets his issues from now eh?

areelady

Joined: 3/16/2007
Msg: 20
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advice / help required Posted: 2/7/2009 5:06:33 PM
equip_girl....yes.....parenting is up to the bio parent. There needs to be active communication betwwen the 2 adults in whatever living arrangement. IMHO it is best if the OP and his GF stay forever parted.

Joined: 2/2/2009
Msg: 21

advice / help required Posted: 2/7/2009 5:06:44 PM
And as for her boy/child.....gawd dam Hydro, what a selfish thing to do to call the police - did you really think your life was threatened? And you had them leave? I agree Sammie. I think some people call the police to add proof to their claim that they feel threatened. I am so surprised a man would act like such a victim to prove a point. I still believe the only victim in this story is the child. Dammit.

Joined: 12/5/2007
Msg: 22

advice / help required Posted: 2/7/2009 5:12:20 PM
That whole "If you don't have kids you don't understand" is bunk! I know right from wrong and I know that violence is NEVER right with the sole exception of self defence! I'm reacting to the story put in front of me. According to the OP she began the physical confrontation by throwing water. Is that OK for your kid to do? If you are having an argument with your kid can they throw water at you because they don't agree with what you're saying? There was an opportunity for BOTH parties to walk away, calm down and discuss things rationally. This clearly wasn't done by either party...but it is NEVER an excuse for violence. Do we know that the discussion from the OP was 'mental abuse'? If the OP was a woman would your view point be the same?

Joined: 10/7/2008
Msg: 23

advice / help required Posted: 2/7/2009 5:17:22 PM
Generally I like her boy. I have tried my best to be a good role model to him because it doesn't seem like he's had very many. I am always helping him with his homework. I just bought him a new chair the day before the he I saw that he didn't wash his hands. I have talked nicely too him many many times about this problem of "mine". I've had his mom talk to him about it many many times as well. I don't even know if I would have put a lock on the bathroom door - I'm just trying to find other ways to get him to start washing his hands. Obviously, talking to him about it over and over and over has not been working? In one ear and out the other. I don't know what transpired in his mom's day prior to her flipping out and our shouting match starting. She sits near the washrooms at her work and she was yelling that she only knows of a couple of people that always wash their hands after going to the bathroom and I yelled back that because she works with a bunch of people that are disgusting that makes this any better. And that was when she flipped out and poured water on my head. Anyways.....the thread has been getting off topic. I want to know if I should think about attempting to resolve the situation or whether I should consider resolving it in the event that she makes the effort?

Joined: 2/2/2009
Msg: 24

advice / help required Posted: 2/7/2009 5:19:08 PM
If the OP was a woman would your view point be the same? Good question Alluria!! That is totally thinking outside the box! My viewpoint would be exactly the same. The two of them should not be together, and the one that is treating the child so awful should not be around children. I really don't agree with the OP's behaviour towards the child whatsoever. Male or female, no one should treat a child they way he did.