| Getting turned "on"
Posted: 2/11/2009 9:44:39 PM | | I've been having sex with this guy for a while and up until now it's been great but then yesterday he asked me if we could do it with the lights on. I completely freaked out. I'm totally uncomfortable with the idea. i was already feeling pushed enough when he wanted to do it on top of the covers rather than beneath. he said i'd being really weird. am i a freak? | |
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| Getting turned on
Posted: 2/11/2009 9:46:45 PM | I think it's a little unusual to stick to the rather subdued version of sex. The under the sheets, clothes off only during the lights off, and then it all seems rather formal. Doing it with the lights on, on top of the covers (hell, there are covers??), doing it not in the bed (but on the couch, kitchen counter, etc) is all... well, normal. You're not a freak, by any means, but being a little exploratory might be good for you as well.
Try thinking of sex itself as the action, and the surroundings have nothing to do with it, really. Sex can happen anywhere, under any circumstance, and isn't reserved for married couples under the sheets in the dark. | |
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| Getting turned on
Posted: 2/11/2009 10:04:28 PM | no i'm not saying this for attention. i know my problem must seem really tame compared to a lot of this forum but i think it's just as valid as anyone elses.
i understand that lots of people have sex in different places but we all have preferences and mine is to be in the dark and under the bed sheets. it just makes me feel safer and less vulnerable. i can understand my sex partners frustrations but at the same time want him to respect my limits. does no one else feel the same way i do? | |
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| Getting turned on
Posted: 2/11/2009 10:09:34 PM | | How do you even do it under the covers? Can you move? Aren't they in the way? I'm just wondering. | |
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| Getting turned on
Posted: 2/11/2009 10:16:15 PM | Jeez some people in here are completely useless when it comes to advice aren't they?
I understand your nervous as the lights on, over the covers means he sees EVERYTHING in clear sight. I was like you when I was around 19 and to be honest, the only way I got over it is because the guy I was with was really understanding and took it slow and made me feel beautiful. If the guy you're with makes you feel comfortable enough, then you won't have a problem at all.
And honestly, once you're going at it, you'll forget all about the lights as trust me, he will be wayyy too busy to notice anything you might be afraid he'll see. So no you aren't a freak...you're just nervous and normal. Take your time and talk to him about it...trust me it helps. | |
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| Getting turned on
Posted: 2/11/2009 10:29:40 PM | | OP you strike me as very self conscious. Don't take that as an insult. Many girls are, some aren't. Its not all that uncommon. Usually its pretty unwarranted but people are comfortable with what they are comfortable and some take time to get comfortable with more. The truth is most guys won't analyze your appearance they are just thrilled someone is willing to sleep with them. But most guys are also very visual by nature and so like to see who and what they are doing. It makes it more personal and exciting. Regardless do what you feel comfortable with and just explain that you are shy and once you feel more secure things may change. Its not rocket science. | |
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| Getting turned on
Posted: 2/11/2009 10:30:41 PM | Don't be so inhibited. You're supposed to enjoy sex, not be afraid your patner will see you. (Personally, I prefer lights out, but only because I think it's more sensual, not because lights bother me.)
i can understand my sex partners frustrations but at the same time want him to respect my limits. does no one else feel the same way i do?
He might respect them by finding someone else who isn't as inhibited.
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| Getting turned on
Posted: 2/11/2009 10:42:49 PM | Sounds like you're insecure with your body. Which he really wants to see because it turns him on -- men are visual creatures.
If it's not that, are you afraid there are hidden cameras in your room or something? REALLY doubtful. (I took mine down WEEKS ago.  ) | |
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| Getting turned on
Posted: 2/11/2009 10:54:49 PM | Why not start slowly, some candles in the room, a small lamp, wear some lingerie and be on top of the covers and as your comfort levels increase more candles, more light less lingerie...
Also what about starting off with a bath or shower together?? | |
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| Getting turned on
Posted: 2/11/2009 11:33:12 PM | I think SSFOX's steriods fried his brain, don't listen to him. If you are just 19, then its no surprise you are unsure of everything. However, don't pass up the chance to grow and mature into a vibrant sexual being. If you've been having sex with this guy for "a while", then he's probably been pretty tolerant of your comfort zone, under the sheets with the lights off. He's not pushing you by wanting sex on top the covers or with the lights on. He's trying to get the relationship to develop into something satisfying for the both of you. You gotta give a little and take a little.
Great sex takes two people who are willing to give as much satisfaction as they get. If you want him to please you, you have to do a few things to please him. That does not mean you have to give into everything he wants, it means you have to share. Under the covers can be difficult, tangled bedsheets and restricted movement. Give over and throw the bed clothes to the side and when your finished just toss them back over each other. If lights totally freak you out, try a candle lit on the far side of the room. Trust me we all look better in candle light than in the glare of a 100watt bulb. Give yourself the chance to see the passion in his eyes and how turned on you make him. Few times of seeing that reaction and you'll be dancing on the table for him. You don't have to throw off all your inhibitions in one night but if you give a little each time, you'll get back much more in return. | |
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| Getting turned on
Posted: 2/11/2009 11:48:40 PM | OP, this is not abnormal. I think most women go through that as they mature. Many guys, including me, are visual. I beleive in stimulating as many of the senses as sensually as I can during a good lovemaking session and yes, visual nakedness is part of it. If you are looking for a slap in the face of encouragement look at it this way - you're allowing him to put himself inside you, but nervious of him seeing your outside? It does sound illogical don't it. Don't do anything you can't at least try to be comfortable with.
I know your nerviousness though. I am not as skinny as before the marraige and, even though I am getting in shape I have "battle scars" on my chest now. I got split right up the middle and stapled. Quite frankly it looks like someone laid railroad tracks down my midsection to abdomen(irony cause I am a rail engineer). I'm about to activly start dating women again, and when it comes to a possible intimate situation, the shirt is likely to come off. Maybe the scars will be kinda a turn on, I hate them. Only one way to find out and, as long as she is comfortable with it, the lights will be on and no covers to get in the way! I'll probably post that I'm suffering from a complex if those scars turn out to turn my 1st new partner in 8 years off. Life is full of risks. If you don't take chances life gets dull. While you will fail at some things you try, being totally naked with your lover and lights on will not be a failure. He'll enjoy it for sure, and you'll find a comfort zone. | |
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| Getting turned on
Posted: 2/12/2009 12:23:43 AM | Kinda off topic but whenever I have sex with the covers on they stay on for like 3 seconds before they falll off, I pull them up once or twice and then jsut give up with it.
Never had sex under the covers, plently with the lights on and just as much with the lights off | |
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| Getting turned on
Posted: 2/12/2009 2:49:39 AM | | I guess it can be a little inhibiting with the lights on. Start slow, maybe a candle light at first. I don't mind lights, hell, if you have been having sex with him for awhile, there aren't really any suprises, right? | |
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| Getting turned on
Posted: 2/12/2009 4:52:48 AM | What is the deal with this site picking on brits who aren't fat at all? Sheesh.
Yes, OP, here in America, you may be considered a little repressed by some. BUT, what really matters is, are YOU comfortable in bed? Hopefully, you and your partner can achieve a comfortable middle ground. | |
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| Getting turned on
Posted: 2/12/2009 5:32:57 AM | Daydreamer.. have you ever done it in the daytime?? That's no different then having the lights on.
It's pretty obvious that you are a bit self-conscious about yourself... or shy.. or a million other things. Part of that is probably your age. You will grow out of it I bet.
Think of it this way... your lover wants to see your body. All of it. That's a really good thing!!! He thinks you are hot and sexy and can't get enough of you. How's this for a compromise... light a few candles instead of having the big bright overhead/bedside lights on. Candles offer a different kind of lighting.. softer, more romantic, very flattering to ALL skin colors. Because it's not the hard glaring bright white light of most fixtures, it should offer you both what you want. Him a chance to see your body, and you a chance to feel less exposed. You can also get colored light bulbs.. like red or orange, or even the ultraviolet/black light ones.. I'd suggest putting a couple of pretty scarves over the lights, but that has the potential of being a really big fire hazard.
Remember.. men are visual creatures.. they like to look.
As for the covers thing... I've found that most men get ridiculously hot during sex. C'mon.. let's face it.. most of the time they are the ones expending more energy.. so they heat up and being under the covers just makes it worse. My ex would get sick from the heat. I get chilled really easily, so I might like to start under the covers, get all heated up tossing them aside during the main event, and then as soon as I/we were done I'd need the covers back again 'cause I'd be shivering in no time.
I would strongly suggest that you sit down with him and talk to him about this. Find out why he wants these things, explain your feelings about it, and see if you can't work out a compromise somehow.
Oooo.. what about this... what if he puts a blindfold on you and that way you can't tell if the room lights are on or not?? | |
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| Getting turned on
Posted: 2/12/2009 5:49:57 AM | | Your suppose to do it how ever you want but if both of you are naked there isnt going to be alot of laughing or gross factor. Stretch marks are normal and so is a birth mark if he is that shallow then go to the deep end lol. Sex should involve both of you exploring every inch of eachother | |
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| Getting turned on
Posted: 2/12/2009 5:52:21 AM | I don't blame the guy.....(hmmm... for his curiosity) :)
Anyhow, next time try wearing some sexy lingerie + stocking...so you wouldn't feel too exposed. (remove some when necessary)
N instead of havin' an 180 watt full blown light on, convince him to have TV on instead...Hey! tell him you are a beginner, you gotta start somewhere.... (he should be understanding...I hope)
Question: Would you feel the same way if he were your boyfriend though?
Good luck! | |
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| Getting turned on
Posted: 2/12/2009 5:55:17 AM | You two actually make it TO the bed with your clothes on?
Beds are for sleeping in, not lovemaking.
I'll agree with some of the other folks here and say you're a bit repressed. Not a freak - just repressed.
If the lights on freaks you out, start slow. A candle, then two, maybe try a nooner on the couch. | |
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| Getting turned on
Posted: 2/12/2009 6:04:34 AM | OH MY GOODNESS!! Bed are FOR SLEEPING IN????
eek! I just spent a fortune on rubber sheets, shackles, head board padding and spotlights then!!
and finding out I am repressed is very disturbing to me!! | |
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| Getting turned on
Posted: 2/12/2009 6:30:43 AM | | No yr not a freak , Your just young and not really Confident about yr naked body , you probally feel a little embarassed by it all , But thats ok it does happen to us all as you get a bit more practise and after being told a few times about how gr8 yr body looks , yr confidence will grow and you will feel a lot more at ease | |
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| Getting turned on
Posted: 2/12/2009 6:31:30 AM | OP you strike me as very self conscious
^^ i concur!
At 19, i spent 4 yrs with a man whom i was sexually free with and i wish i had my 19 yr old body back for the sake of that sexual freedom
the blinds were always down because we were always naked
you are not weird or a freak just extremely shy and uncomfortable with yourself but NOW is the time to learn to love yourself and enjoy freedom with your body
pull those blinds down and strut around ... you are not a 'dirty' for doing that and you will be amazed at the power you will feel within, the control over yourself and your body
you owe it to yourself while you are a young and beautiful woman
which you are  | |
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| Getting turned on
Posted: 2/12/2009 6:32:17 AM | | No yr not a freak , Your just young and not really Confident about yr naked body , you probally feel a little embarassed by it all , But thats ok it does happen to us all as you get a bit more practise and after being told a few times about how gr8 yr body looks , yr confidence will grow and you will feel a lot more at ease | |
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| Getting turned on
Posted: 2/12/2009 6:35:59 AM | | You are completely normal for your age! Until you mature and get to know who you are and become comfortable with all that you can be - being timid will be the norm. | |
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| Getting turned on
Posted: 2/12/2009 6:55:55 AM | In the dark? Mysterious sex?
I'd rather be able to identify my lover visually, like, every 20 seconds.
I guess sex on the beach, in the woods, a mountain stream, or any of those places in the string on "Wildest places you've had sex" are all "Nicht!!" ?
Sex is very much about intimacy, OP. Doin' it in the pitch black makes it almost seem naughty. Shuck that mantle, revel in the moment, and tell Shame, like Satan, to get behind you, not between you. | |
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| Getting turned on
Posted: 2/12/2009 7:33:48 AM |
Sex is very much about intimacy, OP. Doin' it in the pitch black makes it almost seem naughty.
But when it's pitch dark, you have to rely on your sense of touch and you can focus on your other senses. | |
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