| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/11/2009 11:22:59 PM | Am I out of it or what?
Three people I know (all over 50) have recently "coupled up" after a mere 2-3 weeks of dating-- which means the probably saw each other 5-6 times at the most (figuring jobs, distance, teenage kids, family obligations, et.c taking up most of their days).
I thought people my age would date for at least 3-4 months minimum before deciding to be a couple. Are people over 50 more eager to be exclusive than the 20-30 somethings?
Are the 50+ more astute when it comes to their "match potential" and need less time to figure out if they found the one?
I'm surprised at how easy it seemed for them to "find someone" when so many on POF are just hoping for a date-- or a phone call.
Is instant-coupledom now the new dating for the over 45 crowd??? | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 12:09:33 AM | I think you said it - " more eager to be exclusive "
From where I'm sitting on the couch , it is pretty slim pickings out there , and if any of my friends find a truly good guy , they sure want to keep them away from any competition. I'd say if they've found a good one, better hang on to him.
I also think at our age we just get tired of doing the whole dating thing after a while.
Now don't bash me - it's just a few thoughts and not necessarily my personal choice either , lol | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 12:43:58 AM | I don't know how people find all that spare time, especially so early in the relationship. I'm usually doing something. It takes a bit of organising and reshuffling to make regular space for a relationship - and I can't imagine have enough space to see someone 5-6 nights a week for a few more years.
How large is your sample, OP?
Three people I know (all over 50) have recently "coupled up" after a mere 2-3 weeks of dating
Three people does not a trend make, imo. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 1:49:49 AM | I think there are a number of reasons why people over 50 will couple up quickly... none of them very good ones. I don't think they are more astute when it comes to their "match potential" at all... If anything, many of them simply want to get back into those "comfortable old slippers" rather than to have to adjust to the much tighter new shoes of being newly single in their 50's.
I think the economy is tough on couples but it's even tougher on singles because it's so much more expensive to live as a single nowadays. A lot of people who are unemployed or fearing layoffs are suddenly rushing toward those who "seem" stable. People who can't afford the huge rents and mortgages on their own have a lot of financial incentive to couple up if it makes the difference between keeping or losing their homes.
There's also the category of people who rush others into exclusivity and commitment in the hope that their rather raggedy pasts won't be exposed to the light before they've secured their footing. These are the real "relationship artists"... the ones who have pretty much partied their way through life and suddenly realize they had better buckle down and get serious because they have no pensions to rely on... That "whoosh" sound they make as they swoop in on the unsuspecting comfort zone is the only warning anyone gets if they're dumb enough to complicate things before they even know the other person. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 3:45:05 AM | I agree w/ all of the above posts, funny, so far it's only been women who have answered
I think there are some male gold diggers who like to date a woman w/ a house & who is stable, so they don't have to rent & maintain a household themself. Female ones too, nothing is limited to one gender.
I'd also like to add that maybe some people do find TRUE LOVE & want to enjoy it It does exist, even if one is jaded
Now for me to commit to even a date, a man better pull out all the stops emotionally, because I am done w/ the serial daters, crybabies & players | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 4:14:13 AM | I think everyone has things that work for them and things that don't work for them. I hang with a fairly big singles group. The guys I associate with the most would be horrified to have a relationship that soon. However there are some in the group that would latch onto to anything that would talk to them.
Bottom line is everybody is diffrent.
I do notice a trend. Those that are well known to have " relationship resistant syndrome" seem to generate more interest than those who are well known to be hunting a steady. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 4:48:37 AM | | I don't do the multiple dating thing.........& 5-6 six dates should be enough to know if I want to go further (I'd have the' exclusive' talk then), but I don't think I'd consider us a 'couple' until we knew if we were compatible enough for a go at a long term relationship. Your 3-4 months on that issue sounds about right. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 5:01:58 AM | | Well, I'm not looking, but if I was dating, I would never jump into something that quick! I would want at least a year to allow a relationship to develop, and get to know each other. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 5:35:56 AM | I believe that your sample has dated enough, sown their wild oats, and perhaps just been lucky to find someone they are comfortable being around. Their time has come. The guy I'm seeing now kinda scared me at first though. He asked me if we went out in public (on our first meet and greet) if I would mind if he would introduce me as his girlfriend if we saw some of his friends. I said, "no, not at all." The next day I read an article by a journalist who wanted to date a few hookers and find out their viewpoint on relationships, etc. One hooker the journalist took out to interview said that she posted on "craigslist" and gave as part of the choices "the girlfriend experience" which is doing things like bowling (like a 'real' date), holding hands, a kiss in public, and to pretend that she was in love with her date. The sex part could be included at the end of the date for an add'l fee. Anyway, I told my meet-n-greet guy about the article. We concurred that it is comforting to have the girlfriend/boyfriend experience but want to take it slow to see if we "click."
For me, about 4 months of steadiness is all I need to know if he is a keeper and on to stage 2 which entails exclusivity and planning for our lives to overlap and setting some future goals. Thus far, I haven't made it to stage 2.
Each person is unique in how much time it takes to know if they want to be "a couple." I work with a lot of young females in their early 20's. They seem to all keep their relationships going for 6 months or longer but they know after a few dates so it seems whether or not he is a keeper. Me, I've got my baggage and the guys in my age category do too. (Kids, careers to keep up with, ex's, aging parents, some assets to protect, financial burdens). No one slips nicely in to our scenarios. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 6:34:34 AM |
I don't know how people find all that spare time, especially so early in the relationship. I'm usually doing something. It takes a bit of organising and reshuffling to make regular space for a relationship - and I can't imagine have enough space to see someone 5-6 nights a week for a few more years.
Some men (and I'm sure women too) try to glom onto you, start the "I love you" business right away. It can be flattering or off-putting, but I always have misgivings about it. 5-6 nights per week is too much. I can, however, see people pairing off because they want intimacy. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 7:09:56 AM | I can see both sides of this issue.
Some people my age are looking for companionship and or a relationship. Maybe it has to do with age, I don't know. I just know that at some point you have to realize that the next best thing may not be around the corner and maybe what you have now is worth hanging on to. I don't consider that settling. I'm not interested in dating for the rest of my life....and I don't necessarily want to spend the rest of my life without a significant other. If I found someone that interested me and if he found me interesting...why wouldn't I want to commit to a relationship to see where it might go? My alternative would be to keep several on the hook until I decide which one I like best.
Not everyone plans on being alone for the rest of their lives. I've read a lot of the forums in here and seen all the advice given by the die hard I'm free yay me crowd, but the reality is...the older you get...the slimmer the pickings become. We're not talking about fish in the sea anymore...we're talking about tadpoles in a puddle.
I think whatever works for your particular situation is a good thing...there is no such thing as an idea that works for everyone. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 7:45:11 AM | Quick coupling happens quite a bit here in Orange County. It seems to happen for various reasons. It has happened to me several times. One case is timing. Is New Year's Eve coming up? I need an all night date. How about Valentine's Day - hello?
Another case is a person who really wants to find someone and settle down. They sometimes are able to do so. I know of some which worked out just fine.
Once in a while two people generally unsuccessful with the oppositie sex connect and that is it. They do not get many opportunities so may take whatever comes their way. These frequently work out, too.
I suppose love at first sight, or soon thereafter, happens. It has happened to me.
It is great to hear people are still coupling. Good for them! | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 8:28:02 AM | At this point in my life, I've not been dating for the recreational experience nor have the women I've encountered personally. A woman I met on this site (also interested in an LTR) once described the pattern of her online dating experience:
Coffee meeting. If yes (meaning both parties want to continue), then
First date. If yes, then
Three dates. If yes, then
Six months. (She had never felt a yes after six months, so that's where her model broke down). (There may have been a three month point in there, but I don't think so).
Up to three dates, it's an exploration, and I would not feel that I was part of a couple. At that point, I can usually tell why it *won't* work for the long term. If I can't see that after roughly 3 dates (and we have enjoyed each other enough to make it to three), then it becomes a real investment in the future. When I feel that way (and that's been twice in the past 5 years), I'm not interested in (it's just too confusing) seeing anyone else. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 8:51:29 AM | If anything, I'd say that maybe due to our age.. and experiences.. the majority of us "over 45'ers" would do the opposite. Not rush.
But on second thought.. I don't know.
Some people do tend to get a little desperate .. people do tend to not learn from experiences.. people do tend to 'grab while the grabbing is good-enough'.. and the list goes on.
So yeah, there ARE those that will rush into situations/relationships.
But. on third thought, (haha), I again think that the majority of us up-in-agers... have learned a few things and see the wisdom in not rushing. | |
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*Don*
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Joined: 1/30/2009
Msg: 15 | |
| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 9:04:01 AM | Many people, Ms. Landra, are on this site fresh out of sometimes-long relationships – some, decades in duration. It only makes sense that the idea of being single after so many years is a bit unnerving and until these folks learn to ‘find themselves’ and be happy with just themselves, they will hurry to find relationships to replace what they have just lost. When I first came to dating sites – about 5 years ago now, to another site – I felt much the same. Within a month or so, I was in a coupled relationship, that although nice, lasted only a few months. Fortunately, the relationship was short and we were able to part as good friends as we both went on to other things and other people.
I think it’s important to keep in mind that not all folks have been in the single world for the same amount of time and people see things differently. It’s no crime to not want to rush into another relationship, any more than it is a crime to want to replace a recently lost long-term relationship with another one. People learn, eventually, that it might not be the best idea to try to quickly replace something lost with the first possibility to come along. But this has to be learned by the individuals themselves, and that often takes time and yes, errors. I believe that for those that have learned this, it is best for them to pass by the ones who haven’t – in a dating sense.
I (technically) became part of a couple about two years ago, the morning after I dated someone from this site. I had no wish to date anyone else from that first evening on, but two years later, we maintain our individuality, our own lives and our own homes. And for us, it works fine, as we both have similar views on whether or not to rush into a relationship. But for both of us, it took time to come to those conclusions.
D | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 9:09:55 AM | Since we are somewhat more mature, and come from a time when having sex more or less happened only when a couple, it makes sense in many ways.
You have two that are over 40, single and more than likely somewhat lonely and very horny as well. They date, talk, enjoy, feel each other out, and get to the point that sex is wanted, but only if a couple, so therefore they hook up as a team....... 
These couples do not want to get into the "three date" mode without claiming to be a couple and enjoying the results of that coupledom....... 
Life happens and needs justification in many ways, many times, and this is just another form of it to justify why you two are sleeping together and enjoying that god awful sex thingy..... 
Just my opinion......   | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 10:02:03 AM | | I think older people in general are seeking "exclusivity" because they are aware of AIDS, STDs, HIV, hepatitis C through sexual contact, etc. They have lived this long in a healthy fashion and wish to continue on. They simply are aware of the risks of playing the field these days! | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 10:06:34 AM | Don't know about you OP but in my case I have troubles figuring out if its "Lust or Love" so I now will do things differently than when I was younger and jumping in with 2 feet. I think now I'd like to wait a long enough time to see what's up.
Only thing is I'm just under 50 so maybe I don't count for those over 50+ | |
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Landra
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Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 19 | |
| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 10:22:48 AM | I guess my thinking is: I could never consider myself a couple within 3 weeks (or 4 dates) because I'd hardly know the person.
And knowing that I can be very reserved and private, the other person wouldn't know me very well (My good side is very good.... my private side is something I don't reveal quickly.) I've learned it takes at least 3 months for the "lust vision" to burn out before the real person emerges.
Maybe its like SilkenFire said-- "people who rush others into exclusivity and commitment in the hope that their rather raggedy pasts won't be exposed to the light before they've secured their footing."
Or maybe the pickings are slim and once they find someone they actually like and still like after 4 dates, why not just be a couple? | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 10:31:25 AM | | Some people would rather have pretend love than be alone. Some are needy. Some are afraid. There are many reason why so many people jump into their next bad relationship so quickly. ........... . and then they brag about the new relationship before it is 5 mins. old. Just they forgot how the last 5 experiences of coupledom ended for them. I think so people don't stop long enough to think about just letting the dust settle before dating again. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 10:44:19 AM | There seems to be a lot of "too much too fast" going on around here as well. That's how the last one went for me. She was driven right from the start move at warp speed. It didn't work in the end because we just didn't really know each other till much later.
Funny thing is that when we take it slow and really get to know each other there are all those issues that pop up that remind us of the stuff that made other relationships pass.
Makes me wonder if it has more to do with our needs of connection overpowering the needs for a real quality relationship.... I look for stability and am good with being on my own. It takes time and effort to maintain a relationship. If it isn't fun than in most cases it isn't worth the effort, IMHO.
All this aside, after months on end with no real interests resulting form few dates, the void grows bigger. I for one except that it's just my turn. Others? How that void effects one person vs another has got to be a real factor.
Just one guy's opinion.
J Mac | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 11:19:41 AM | Why the rush? Desperation! If it's going to be the romance of a lifetime, you've got a lifetime to enjoy it, so no need to rush. Enjoy the journey/ dopamine rush!
Extremely important to let both sides "sow their wild oats" before agreeing to be mutually exclusive. If a guy wants to date me and five other women at the same time, knock himself out! But he needs to understand that he's gambling that I'll still be there when/if he decides I'm "the one" (because I'm certainly not staying at home waiting for his calls/e-mails.) If someone else decides to pursue me aggressively in the meanwhile, oh well......... | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 12:19:05 PM | I agree I have made it more than clear on my profile I'm in no rush and not actively looking for someone.Thats were all the problems start, also if your in a rush then there is a problem.You should not rush getting to know someone and they should not push you.Take your time if they and you are gen about things then build on it ..there is plenty of time.I take each day as it come I will not be pushed into anything relationship wise. I like who I like trust is earned not given...FACT...
have fun finding out | |
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Landra
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Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 24 | |
| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 12:37:39 PM |
trust is earned not given I agree. I think that's why I'm so amazed that people are coupled up after a few weeks. I'm thinking--- do they know something I don't? Am I missing the point? Am I too cautious? Too slow? Is jumping in eyes closed the way to go?
I know 1 couple who met on a cruise in August, visited each other once afterward (long distance), she moved in with him and they were married in December--all within 6 months.
Another couple "met" at a dance, went out on one date and the following week they're a couple. (By "met" I mean he noticed he hadn't hit on her yet-- for the last 3 months he's made a play for every single women there).
Another met on Nov 7 at a party, had their first date around Nov 22 and post-Christmas they're a confirmed couple. She lives out of town and he's got his own business to run, so how many dates could they have had in a month?
I understand dating, but what I don't get is the insta-relationship thing. In my last relationship we dated for about 5-6 months before we considered ourselves a couple. I just feel I'm missing something here.?? | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 12:46:35 PM | | Funny...I must be under a rock or something and I live probably within 30 miles of the OP. I'm seeing people doing the opposite...they are looking to hook up immediately and then moving on to the next one, where being a couple isn't an option thus avoiding relationships and "strings". I don't understand either as people just don't take the time to get to know each other anymore....sigh. | |
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