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 ButterflyMum
Joined: 8/28/2006
Msg: 1
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Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?Page 1 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
I am a single mum of a 4 year old boy. Before I get into the subject of my post I will give you some background to try to help you understand.

My son goes to his dad's every second weekend. His dad has absolutly no rules at him place. My son gets away with whatever he wants. When he comes home it takes a while to get him back into "home" routine and he can be very naughty and not listen to me. Now to my question.

I am completly opposed to smacking.
Recently I was seeing a guy who broke up with me because I yelled at my son. This man does not have children. I admit I do yell at him when he is naughty and doesn't listen but I don't see a problem with this. I think it is better than hitting. Obviously neither would be best but when he comes back from his dads and I can't get him to listen any other way I feel that yelling works.

What do other parents think about this?
I would really like to know other parents thoughts.

Thanks
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 2
Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/15/2009 2:49:13 AM
He's four years old and you say "I can't get him to listen any other way" than yelling at him.

If you've run out of approaches/creativity/ideas about discipline and communication when he's four, how do you think it will be when he's fourteen? You're yelling at him routinely. Think about that. It's part of your regular interaction with your preschool-age child to yell at him because you can't communicate with him any other way.

I'm not against yelling in principle (ask my kids!) but not as a regular thing, and certainly not as the only thing. You need to find calmer and more effective ways of communicating with your child.
 pianomanjoe
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 3
Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/15/2009 5:22:46 AM
Yelling at you kid in my opinion is not wrong. i will yell at my kids if i see there in danger or if i need there attention. but I think if you yell at them all the time they become desensitized and then all you yelling will be for a loss. now I use time outs, my kids hate it but they get the point. also all kids have a currency, what a mean is that they all have something that they really like weather it is a thing like a toy or an activity. this currency can be awarded or taken away depending on the behavior of the child and this requires no yelling on you part. You have to be firm on this and don't give in as they will try and cry there way into getting it back. 15 minutes of tears will lead to many years of better behavior. remember you child no matter how Much they seem to be upset or hate you it is only a front as they are trying to find there limits in life, but in reality you are there role model and they will learn by your example. and will most likely mimics you when they grow up.

Hope this helps

Joe
 psssst
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 4
Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/15/2009 6:31:35 AM

What do other parents think about this?
I think that yelling is a self-defeating method of communication.

It generally means you've lost control of the situation, it raises your blood pressure, it causes feelings of anxiety and anger.

I'm not going to say that I've never raised my voice to my children, hell yeah... but what I will say is that it's never been nearly as effective as calmly expressing why the behaviour is wrong and that their misbehaviour displeases me and issuing a time out...
 foxy mum
Joined: 9/27/2007
Msg: 5
Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/15/2009 6:58:51 AM
from some of these answers ive read most of the parents are not bringing the childern up on there own and have to be mum and dad so i yes i do raise my voice to my two children when needed and use a naughty step -my ex husband souts and when he does he shakes the house ! and i'd rather raise my voice then smack them .and it is hard when my kids come back from seeing there dad as like the you he dont no the meaning of rules and ruteen and makes it harder to get back into things sometime a constant battle .but as there dad beahavyer had become worse ie bullying them and throwing things at them all contact as been stopped .the childerns safety come frist .
 KISS MY A$$
Joined: 9/6/2008
Msg: 6
Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/15/2009 6:59:25 AM
YOU THINK YELLING IS A GOOD IDEA??? JUST BECAUSE YOU YELL AND MAKE YOUR VOICE LOUDER DOES NOT MEAN YOUR CHILD CAN COMPREHEND WHAT YOU ARE SAYING!!!! IT DOES NOT MEAN HE BELIEVES YOU UNDERSTAND HOW HE FEELS.
you have to allow our child sometime to adjust from home to home. A transition.
Use behavioral charts so he can visualize his progress.
Pick and choose your battles you know he is struggling with the seperation anxiety from his father. Two weeks can be an eternity to a child to have to wait to be with his Dad. ACKNOWLEDGE THAT HE IS HAVING A HARD TIME WITHOUT SCREAMING AT HIM...
let you child know his feelings are respected and validate them. He didn't want to leave his father, YOU DID.
Maybe a transition from Dads to a regular home routine is to much. Why don't you plan to sit with him and re-connect and spend a good hour to devote to him when he gets home. Leave the dirty dishes or whatever else is distracting you from
being attentive to him when he returns.
He needs to re-group. HELP HIM!!!! DON'T YELL AT HIM.
 Jaxi_2008
Joined: 8/16/2008
Msg: 7
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Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/15/2009 7:17:21 AM
I PROMISE that yelling at your child will turn him into someone that 'SHOUTS' every time he's upset or angry. Is that the end result you're looking for?

Discipline with the end result/desired outcome in mind.

I used 1-2-3 Magic with my son when he was 3-4 years old. Worked like a charm. Didn't have to raise my voice at all.
 Mr. Blblblbl
Joined: 12/31/2008
Msg: 8
Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/15/2009 7:41:24 AM
I yelled at my daughter once... when her hand was less than an inch away from a hot burner.

It's not that I think yelling is completely wrong in all situations, but the way you seem to be using it, it's likely going to have a negative impact. I remember when I was at the mall the other day and this woman kept shouting at her daughter. The girl couldn't have been more than 3 years old. She was distracting all the other kids because everyone stopped when she yelled out. Most of us other parents were getting annoyed too. And her own daughter didn't really seem to know the difference. Her reaction just seemed to be, "Oh mom's talking again."

So I can understand why the guy left. It's not just your child who is affected by this kind of behaviour, and again... in the long run it's likely not going to have the desired effect. When your son gets older, it's likely he won't ever want to go anywhere with you because your behaviour is embarrassing.
 Jaxi_2008
Joined: 8/16/2008
Msg: 9
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Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/15/2009 10:25:38 AM
Mr. Blblblbl, that's a very good point and I completely agree.....

It reminds me of the look on my teenage son's face when I go into "lecturing mode". (I'm a talker, I do it for a living, what can I say?) "Lecturing mode" doesn't work for my son and I remind myself of that again and again......however....when I accidentally 'go there', his face so clearly shows what's on his mind. His eyes start looking "past" me, his face goes blank as though he's utilizing space/time travel, and I know that my voice starts to sound like Charlie Brown's teacher to him. blahblahblahblahblahblah is what he hears.

The only one that hears me talking after the first 10 minutes, is me.

If you continue to yell at your child, they will start tuning it out.....then what will you be left with? What else is in your parenting toolbox?
 Golfer38
Joined: 12/17/2008
Msg: 10
Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/15/2009 11:25:54 AM
I hate to say it, but if your kid is not listening to you now, just wait until he is older. Try a Parenting course because I think that you need some help. Your ex is likely undermining your Parenting efforts as well. Maybe you need to meet with your ex as well. Your son's behaviour is common for kids from divorced families though, but get some help.
 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 9/30/2008
Msg: 11
Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/15/2009 12:19:59 PM
ButterflyMum - I have raised my voice to my children on RARE occasion and it works short-term. Long-term though it is ineffective if used a lot. Children will simply tune you out or be very busy processing their fear than listening to anything you have to say. If your child has tuned you out and he is about to do something dangerous, how will you get his attention if you cannot physically intervene?

I can relate to the frustration you feel during transition time. I have yet to meet a single parent who doesn't go through that. I think during the transition time it is more difficult for the child than it is for the parent and it is very important to let your child know that you realize it is difficult for them. Gentle and calm reminders and the use of timeouts or 1-2-3 can work wonders IF you are NOT angry or frustrated with the child when you apply them.

If a guy broke up with you because you yelled at your son, I would tend to think you are yelling WAY TOO MUCH!

Yelling is better than hitting but not by much if it is used excessively (daily).

Perhaps you have to try to ease your son back into his routine more slowly and not expect him to just "snap to it". It is very difficult for children being in two homes with two sets of rules especially when they are young.

I used to deal with this issue and still do but it has gotten much better since I accepted that it would in fact be a time of transition for us both. My daughter is just 4.

Good luck and try a different approach. Perhaps you may wish to pick up a parenting book or two at the library that discuss different approaches. 1-2-3 Magic is a good one if you are comfortable using it. There are also some good books on what is called effective parenting. Or perhaps all you need to do is accept the transition and be more understanding and compassionate towards your child's difficulties with transitioning.

Talking with the other parent could be helpful but in my own personal experience, it didn't help one bit.
 The rock man
Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 12
Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/15/2009 12:28:01 PM

If you've run out of approaches/creativity/ideas about discipline and communication when he's four, how do you think it will be when he's fourteen?
Awesome answer!



I think that yelling is a self-defeating method of communication.

It generally means you've lost control of the situation, it raises your blood pressure, it causes feelings of anxiety and anger.
Another awesome answer!

Yes I feel it is wrong! Our children learn from us. By our Behavior not our words!
If your son was a spouse and police where present it would be considered domestic abuse. Yet some how when it's done to a child we can call it parenting!
 TeresaP1020
Joined: 6/30/2008
Msg: 13
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Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/15/2009 3:41:29 PM
There is a difference between raising your voice and yelling to discipline. I hate to hear a parent yelling at their kids. However, I am a firm believer that a smack on the bottom is not out of line if the kid is naughty. When people are out in public and yell at their kids, all I can think is "hillbilly." However, there are times at home when we all occasionally lose our tempers and raise our voices louder. Yelling really does not solve the issue but talking firmly and with meaning is better.
 Mr. Blblblbl
Joined: 12/31/2008
Msg: 14
Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/15/2009 4:23:36 PM

Talking with the other parent could be helpful but in my own personal experience, it didn't help one bit.

That's another problem some people seem to forget. In the OP's case, it sounds like her child spends very little time with his father. What kind of rules can one be expected to impose over the course of 2 out of 14 days? Perhaps with more liberal parenting time, this guy could actually have enough time with his son to find time to lay down ground rules. But as long as his son is more of a visitor than anything while in his house, of course it's going to be a time to let loose. If you only got to spend 48 hours with your child every 2 weeks, how would you spend it? I'm sure it wouldn't be spent reviewing the ground rules laid down 12 days earlier.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 15
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Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/15/2009 4:29:20 PM
I think yelling is just as bad as spanking, yelling may be worse actually because verbal abuse tends to stick in than physical. If you're yelling often, you have to realize it's doing teh opposite of what you want your child to do. If anything, he'll push your buttons more to get your attention.

Instead of him going back into the pattern of going from his dad's to yours and behaving badly, change it up so he's not use to the ruitine. go to a room that is less stimulizing, read a book to him, play a game together, do arts and crafts. Perhaps the next time he's naughty, start recording and do what you normally do than replay it, and see how you sound.
 rayse
Joined: 1/17/2009
Msg: 16
Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/15/2009 5:15:19 PM

I have raised my voice to my children on RARE occasion and it works short-term. Long-term though it is ineffective if used a lot. Children will simply tune you out or be very busy processing their fear than listening to anything you have to say.
ditto, itsallin's approach. it's a rare occasion i pull the shock & awe on the kids. but they know they've crossed the line when i pull that card.

have i smacked my kids? yes. once each in their lives - only. and each time when they were around 4~5ish. they called my 'bluff' on it and i had to back it up. children will test boundaries, we have to show them the boundaries (better us than the authorities or strangers).

but since those individual incidents, never even had to threaten smacking. btw, it was literally one smack on the bottom each but it stung!

it has nothing to do with gender of the parent or child btw. my brother always laments to me that his kids are terrors (he's married) and doesn't know why they can't be well-behaved like my kids (i'm divorced). i explain to him, my kids can be naughty but check with me (with a galnce) what's acceptable or not. set the boundaries (together) and enforce. while he goes overboard (imo) his wife is a softie and doesn't present a unified front. kids are very observant and WILL exploit these inconsistencies.

give them stable discipline and set rules. they'll learn them and assimilate into society like they should. good luck!
 ~TrueBlood~
Joined: 1/17/2006
Msg: 17
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Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/15/2009 5:48:26 PM
Yelling at your kids equates with verbal abuse? Don't think so. Sometimes yelling is what is needed to get your kids attention when they are emotional and out of control, enough so they can calm down and begin to think rationally.

It has nothing to do with abuse. Abuse is calling your kids worthless, stupid, etc etc over and over again depleting their self-worth and confidence. Yelling does not mean one does those things, not does it "teach" a child to "shout" every time he or she is angry - where do you get that from?

If a husband and wife are having an argument and they are yelling, I know of no law enforcement who would charge them with domestic violence LOL

The things people actually believe on these forums...
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 18
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Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/15/2009 6:29:53 PM
Yelling isn't wrong, but it is ineffective in the long term and there are better strategies. Yelling just shows your kid that they have the ability to make you out of control. No kid should have that kind of power. It turns all the attention on your behavior, not theirs, and is self-defeating. You can be firm without yelling and let the consequences do the teaching.

Check out Love and Logic.

I would break up with someone who yelled at their kids, too. It's just my preference and I have no tolerance for verbal abuse. I just couldn't be around someone yelling at their kids and feel good, so I'd leave them to raise their kids the way they want before trying to convince them to do anything different and making it MY responsibility.
 fishin4u266
Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 19
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Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/15/2009 6:56:20 PM
Yelling is wrong just like beating your kid is wrong. They both do damage to the kids.

I have a loud voice and work to control it. I think that excessive yelling is verbal abuse and that's probably what the guy saw and decided he didn't want any part of this.

Plus, he knew that your kid was out of control because all you could do was yell. I would run too because I'd be afraid that yelling would one day be directed at me.
 SouthernGuy1960
Joined: 8/10/2007
Msg: 20
Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/15/2009 7:02:34 PM
When he comes back misbehaving the best thing you could do is take a fighting stance and front kick him in the groin. Then we he drops to the floor grab his free arm and perform a arm bar until he says uncle. Seriously though, I think yelling to much is just as damaging as hitting. It's hard being a parent sometime and yelling often probably does no good. Tell him a few times and if he doens't listen try some form of punishment.
 MrSerpent
Joined: 2/29/2008
Msg: 21
Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/15/2009 7:22:39 PM
If you're yelling at your child you aren't parenting. You're only venting your frustration, you're the child then since you're throwing a temper tantrum.

A good parent doesn't need to yell. A child wants attention. You explain to them what they do is wrong and tell them why. A time-out for young boys (a minute per year) works best for me. By the end I have calmed the child, assured him he was responsible for the misbehavior, I explain what he did was wrong, I give a hug and say I love you.

Now the child is behaved all the time and not once had I ever needed to yell, nor have I ever needed too.
 cutelabtech
Joined: 4/19/2008
Msg: 22
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Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/15/2009 8:26:01 PM
It happens, don't beat yourself up. Apologize to your son, you just cannot beleive how much this helps you both move on.

I did learn that my son needs a good hour or so to readjust after he gets home from his dads from a weekend visit. I greet him, ask him how his visit went and then leave him alone while he settles himself(which at 10 involves raiding the fridge for a welcome home snack despite the fact his father would have fed him less than an hour ago).

Try having a better routine for when he gets home, something non stressful and low key. Maybe a story time and a snack and some cuddling before you launch in on all the things that need doing. If that first evening back is rushed, ask for an earlier drop off time. It took me a year to get this, but once I did it really helped my son and daughter decompress in time to set up for school the next day.
 Gladtameetya
Joined: 1/28/2009
Msg: 23
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Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/15/2009 9:06:25 PM
Hey,

This situation is what I call GRANDMA SYNDROME.
You don't have to have an ex to experience this. How many
of us send our kids to visit Grandma and she spoils our kids
or doesn't demand the same level of respect as we do.
The solution is very good and very easy. Create a routine
like the Nanny suggests on Nanny 911.....
Instead of yelling you give your child a naughty spot to sit at
for a time out. Use a kitchen timer and keep from yelling.
Keep calm and get down and look your child in the eye.
Once you make eye contact let your child know what they
did wrong and have them sit for one, two or three minutes.
This is basic and on the Nanny show and in her book.
This book covers this and so much more! You must
get it and watch her shows!!!
If you keep consistent with your method, your child
will come to like the structure you offer at home
and be glad you don't yell anymore!

 groovychick67
Joined: 12/19/2007
Msg: 24
Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/15/2009 9:20:39 PM
I never yell at my children. To me it is pointless and extremely disrespectful. I grew up in a home where my mother expected respect but showed none to her children, physically punished and degraded us in front of our friends. As we became adults none of us had a healthy, loving relationship with her.

If you yell at your children one of several things will eventually happen. They will learn to tune you out which means you will yell louder, or resort to violence in anger. You will get frustrated and quit trying anything and your children will have no direction. People in your life will not want to be in your home because there is so much discord. One or all of the above scenarios are possible and regardless of which you will have zero respect from your children.

You need to remember that they are your children, but they are also a PERSON who deserves respect the same as any adult does. I speak to my children the way that I want to be spoken to, never yelling or ridiculing. Words can break a spirit or build it up. When I need to get their attention, I actually speak softer, but yet firmly and always make eye contact. With my young son (6) I will sit down and talk very calmly to him while keeping eye contact and then he realizes that I am not going to let the offending behavior slide.

Yelling is fruitless, degrading and just plain annoying to other people around you. And yes it seems better than physically abusing but yet I consider it verbal abuse.

Respect is the cornerstone for ANY RELATIONSHIP. When that breaks down it all starts to crumble.

Sidenote: The only thing more annoying that provides even less results is counting! Please don't start that stupid practice of "I am going to count to 3"......I just want to applaud the parent for being willing to look like an idiot!
 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 9/30/2008
Msg: 25
Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/15/2009 9:31:56 PM

Yelling just shows your kid that they have the ability to make you out of control. No kid should have that kind of power. It turns all the attention on your behavior, not theirs, and is self-defeating.


Well said
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