| How do I stop?
Posted: 2/15/2009 4:19:21 PM | How do I stop myself from driving by his house to see if another car is there, or checking his Match.com profile page to see if he's been on lately, or checking my phone every 10 minutes to see if he's called?
He and I were never really "official", he was one of those guys who it was okay for him to go on dates and do things, but if I did I got drilled. I sit at home now and cry because I miss him so much and wonder what he's doing and who he's with. I hate it so bad. I don't know many people here, so it's not like I can just hang out with friends, and the few I did have were his friends too and have not turned into dramatic people who call me and tell me where he is and who he's with and what he did and it all starts over again. We've only been not speaking to each other for a week, but this has been so hard. I hate sitting here thinking about him. It kills. I just want to know how I stop "caring"... is that even possible? He was like my best friend I spent every day with, and now I feel like I never was anything to him. I feel like I never really mattered.
We go through this cycle like every couple months and eventually end up talking after a month or so, but this time I don't know if I want to be back with him unless he can commit to me. I'm not sure if it's his age that is causing this or what. He's 39 and I'm 25. He would always say these sly little hurtful remarks which hurt really bad. I know have no self-esteem and just feel like the dirt beneath his feet, but I can't stop thinking about him.
Thanks.  | |
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| How do I stop?
Posted: 2/15/2009 5:21:17 PM | Is it that you have so little going on in your life that what he does is enough to control your life? Do you not have some friends or family that could help get your life back on track and up and doing things so that he fades into the background? Do you know what closure you need in order to move on?
Just a few other thoughts:
I think you may just need to see what is going on in your life without him and take care of that and someone else may come along. I don't think ultimatums are a good idea here and you may need to develop a bit of a backbone so you aren't the woman that he can just apologize and suddenly everything is fine again.
From your photos you look like a very beautiful woman. Good luck!  | |
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| How do I stop?
Posted: 2/15/2009 5:39:42 PM | | Seperating from someone that you have feelings for hurts. I would say that your best bet would be to just go places that you've never been before. Try things that you've never tried before. Pray for strength to get over him! | |
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| How do I stop?
Posted: 2/15/2009 6:04:43 PM |
and the few I did have were his friends too and have not turned into dramatic people who call me and tell me where he is and who he's with and what he did and it all starts over again.
I’m assuming you meant that they have now turned into dramatic people…
In which case, why are you allowing them to do this? Is there a part of you that welcomes these calls because it somehow keeps you connected to him, albeit in an unhealthy way? It’s exacerbating the pain and keeping your wounds fresh. Tell them to knock it off...and mean it. If they want to contact you to get together or do something, fine, but tell them there should be no mention of him. And that also means you shouldn’t be fishing for info from them either.
You say you go through this cycle every few months, so he knows that he can come in and out of your life at whim, and you’ll allow it. Between that and the hurtful things he has said to you, yes, your self esteem is suffering. But it certainly isn’t going to improve as long as you continue to allow this behavior to continue. Once you take back control of your life and stop letting him back in, only to walk all over you again, your self esteem will start to improve.
You CAN move on and you CAN heal, but you have to take the steps in order for that to happen. While you may not be able to control the thoughts of him that pop into your head, you can control how you react to those thoughts. When you feel the urge to check up on him, force yourself to do something else, something that’s healthy and productive, not destructive. | |
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| How do I stop?
Posted: 2/16/2009 8:33:07 AM | | a restraining order will do the trick... stop being a stalker | |
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| How do I stop?
Posted: 2/16/2009 8:58:40 AM | I takes a lot of time. Pure and simple. Some day you will actually go five minutes without thinking about him. The six, them seven.
Talk to friends. It does help. And get out and do things. Even going to the mall, movies, just walking around.
And keep in mind that he didin't treat you well, and at some point, you'll get a little pissed off! And remember that there are about 3,000,000,000 (really) on the planet. He isn't the only one out there to make you feel great and in love. There are many others!
Good luck. | |
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| How do I stop?
Posted: 2/16/2009 9:05:26 AM | Tough love in the next few lines, but it sounds like you need it.
Quit this guy cold turkey. No contact.
No contact means you can feel free again, not feel guilty, not obsessing, not stalking, and finally looking in the mirror at yourself and feeling good again.
You just do it. You take control of yourself and your life. You tell yourself that you need to stop obsessing over someone who doesn't like you as much as you like him. Stop the cycle. Why be someone's fairweather date/"friend" when there is a person out there who could just make you smile from just a normal hello? Don't waste your time on someone who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
If you feel you can't do this alone, then seek some short term counseling. It will help with the self esteem issue as well. | |
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| How do I stop?
Posted: 2/16/2009 9:11:56 AM | The problem is, you made him your WHOLE WORLD. Now that that's gone, you are lost. He made you a PART of his world, not the whole thing. Big difference.
There is nothing more painful than unrequited love, it sucks and really digs into your soul.
You really should take time to get yourself back on track-focus on YOU...repair yourself, get out (even though you probably don't want to), and realize that this guy was in no way treating you with respect.
nhsteve is right....good advice.
Many, many other men out there who will adore you for who you are.
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| How do I stop?
Posted: 2/16/2009 9:17:52 AM | | WOW I'D SWEAR WE WERE DATING THE SAME GUY,OR IS IT THAT THEIR ALL THE SAME,SORRY HON, BUT I'M IN THE SAME BOAT W THE SAME STORY OLNY MINE WAS 8 YRS LONG | |
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| How do I stop?
Posted: 2/16/2009 4:00:22 PM | Thanks everyone for your advice. I know I need to move on. I really do know this, it's just so darn hard and seems soooo impossible.
In regards of the friends calling me, I really don't want to hear about him. I try to tell them this and it just doesn't seem to work. They are back stabbers, who I can't seem to confide in because I fear they are telling him everything I say which only seems to give him more power. I have made the decision to cut all ties with these people. Is this okay, or does it seem childish? I know I need to cut all ties, but don't feel I can do it with these people in my life.
Thanks again everyone. | |
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| How do I stop?
Posted: 2/16/2009 4:09:46 PM |
Is this okay, or does it seem childish?
No, OP, there is absolutely nothing childish about it. In fact, I think it’s a mature and prudent thing to do. They sound like trouble makers, and as you said, back stabbers.
You’re taking a step in the right direction by removing the toxic people from your life.
Look for things to keep yourself busy. Since you don’t really know anybody else in your area, why not sign up for a class? I see you like cooking and wine tasting. I’m sure you can find events that are geared to these interests in your area. I think it would be a fun diversion to help take your mind off this loser. Also, how about a volunteer group? Nothing helps take the focus off your own sadness liking reaching out to help others. Just a couple suggestions.
Good luck! | |
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| How do I stop?
Posted: 2/16/2009 4:10:15 PM |
I really don't want to hear about him. I try to tell them this and it just doesn't seem to work.
Tell them exactly that. You don't want to hear about him anymore. Tell them to stop digging for information and stop instigating drama. It's not childish to draw your boundaries and adhering to them. Good friends will respect that and you'll have other topics to share besides your companionship. You'll know who the bad friends are in good time. Friends come and go as needed. If you need new friends, go out and start making some!
Some one told me once that you have to decide that you are a good person and that you deserve better. It's so true! Best of luck!  | |
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| How do I stop?
Posted: 2/16/2009 4:52:58 PM | OP, first of all, I would recommend you change your profile or just say that you're here for the forums only. Anyone looking at your profile will see these posts and you are so not ready to date... You would be replacing something and not deal with the problem.
Let me tell you, you're missing a thought, you said this guy would tell you sly things always making you feel like dirt and yet you miss him? that's not right. You need a distraction, you need to rebuild your self-esteem, your self-worth and it takes time. Trust me, you are not going to get a medal for all this suffering. He is not coming back.
Pick up a hobby, or even better start exercising! You could pick up running... it is fun, will give you energy, you will meet cool people who are NOT thinking about boys who will make you feel like shiite. You will have goals, maybe discover a new passion and one day, you will then realize that you are a great person inside as well as outside and will stop thinking about this idiot.
At the same time, I would ditch all the so-called friends who take delight in telling you all about the boy s whereabouts. Talk about childish...
It takes time but it also take determination to get over a broken heart. Get up and do it. | |
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| How do I stop?
Posted: 2/16/2009 4:58:07 PM |
How do I stop myself from driving by his house to see if another car is there, or checking his Match.com profile page to see if he's been on lately, or checking my phone every 10 minutes to see if he's called?
You have time to do all of that? You have way too much time on your hands ... get a hobby - he isn't it.
He and I were never really "official", he was one of those guys who it was okay for him to go on dates and do things, but if I did I got drilled. I sit at home now and cry because I miss him so much and wonder what he's doing and who he's with. I hate it so bad. I don't know many people here, so it's not like I can just hang out with friends, and the few I did have were his friends too and have not turned into dramatic people who call me and tell me where he is and who he's with and what he did and it all starts over again. We've only been not speaking to each other for a week, but this has been so hard. I hate sitting here thinking about him. It kills. I just want to know how I stop "caring"... is that even possible? He was like my best friend I spent every day with, and now I feel like I never was anything to him. I feel like I never really mattered.
I don't know how long you have been with him but give your friends a break. Do they know you don't want to know - or are they just trying to start a conversation? You said you don't know too many people - seems that the ones you do know you are either asking them for info or have nothing in common but him - probably his friends too.
We go through this cycle like every couple months and eventually end up talking after a month or so, but this time I don't know if I want to be back with him unless he can commit to me. I'm not sure if it's his age that is causing this or what. He's 39 and I'm 25. He would always say these sly little hurtful remarks which hurt really bad. I know have no self-esteem and just feel like the dirt beneath his feet, but I can't stop thinking about him.
You are in two different places. Don't wait. | |
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| How do I stop?
Posted: 2/16/2009 10:00:54 PM | | You have a lot going for you!! Meet people in your area, go out and about!!! Find a life outside this guy!! You are 25 with a life ahead of you!!! Move on and find someone that can appreciate you! Let go - don't stalk him or wait for his calls!! Get a fresh start!!! | |
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| How do I stop?
Posted: 2/16/2009 10:37:53 PM | 1. Get a copy of “I Will Survive” ..... you can snag a mp3 off the net.
2. Stand in front of a big mirror
3. Crank up the iPod (with the song)
4. Growl in the mirror
5. Push up your hOOters 2 times (three times if it feels good)
6. Sing the song as loud as you can and ........... MEAN IT
Do this two times a day for a week. | |
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| How do I stop?
Posted: 2/16/2009 11:22:29 PM | | well not that I'm raining on your parade, BUT it will get better sooner or later, I've found what helps is you make a list of the pros and cons, and BE HONEST, don't put someone on a pedestal that doesn't deserve to be there, some people are cruel and uncaring, I just broke up with my gf because she decided her ex was more important than me,(long story) although I sit and listen to nickelback all night, and it's hard to see my time without her, I deserve better and so do you. grab some wine(maybe a merlot?) and think about all the BAD times ya had and how someone could treat you like that? I'm sure you have much to give someone:) | |
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| How do I stop?
Posted: 2/16/2009 11:23:10 PM |
How do I stop myself from driving by his house to see if another car is there, or checking his Match.com profile page to see if he's been on lately, or checking my phone every 10 minutes to see if he's called?
I moved out of state and changed my number. It's easier for me to "erase" the temptation than to risk it. JMO  | |
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| How do I stop?
Posted: 2/16/2009 11:26:01 PM | | basically my answer is get angry, AND then live your life the best you can, be happy and don't give him the control he doesn't deserve, there that's my DR EVIL diagnosis:) | |
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| How do I stop?
Posted: 2/16/2009 11:32:41 PM | Boy I could have written this myself. I know how hard it must be for you but I think the answer is staring you in the face as it was me. A great book says It's called a breakup cause it's broken and it couldn't be more true. Obviously one person is more into it than the other. Having been the one who was always more into it than he was I know how you can torture yourself.
In the end it comes down to time...to allow yourself to heal. The realization that you deserve so much more than what he has given you, small crumbs won't feed our bodies much less our hearts. You have to believe that you are a stone cold fox and there are bigger and better things waiting for you out there!
Give youself time and distance to get over him! And most important give yourself a chance to be loved and cherish the way you know you should be!!
If you wanna talk, you can email me. I was and still am in the same position as far as friends are concerned. | |
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| How do I stop?
Posted: 2/16/2009 11:34:06 PM | | You girl you almost made me cry but then I read one more time your story and something is missing. What happened they you are not in touch anymore? Who messed up? | |
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| How do I stop?
Posted: 2/16/2009 11:36:34 PM | | Ah damn long nails that you are not in touch I meant | |
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| How do I stop?
Posted: 2/17/2009 2:53:06 AM | Thanks everyone I am going to "Print Screen" this page and save it and read it all the time.
I was set back majorly last night. One of the "Drama" people that told me he was at the bar on Valentines Day, just had to tell me today that he went home with some chick on Valentines day. Now this is a guy who thought you were a slut if you had some cleavege showing. That just killed me last night when I was told that. I layed there and cried all night. I actually called him twice, just to get my stuff back and I wanted to SCREAM bloody murder at him... and I'm not really sure why... maybe I thought at the time it would feel good to "let him have it".... when now that I think about it he's really done nothing wrong, but it still stings me. Makes me feel like a piece of dirt.
Now, I'm sure he's thinking he has control again... because I made the first effort to contact.... AGAIN!
Drrr.. thanks everyone for listening to my vent. =) I actually had to call my Mom last night... bawling... AGAIN! | |
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| How do I stop?
Posted: 2/17/2009 4:16:51 AM | | what do you do when you are in the same situation and you work with this person and have to see them every day... and please save the NEVER GET ENVOLVED WITH CO WORKER STUFF... i get it... but it too late now... | |
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| How do I stop?
Posted: 2/17/2009 6:06:53 AM | Girl! Why did you call him? I suspect whatever belongings you have over at his place are not essentials to survival, and that is a typical excuse exes use to get contact with someone they want to see. LEAVE IT.
Yes, you are adding fuel to the fire and calling him twice? You are seriously saying "desperate and clingy".
You have really got to stop this.....make yourself busy, don't answer those calls from your friends, have a good cry every night if you need to, but DO NOT contact him!
Find a bulletin board online that is dedicated to broken hearts, etc......do what you need to do to heal, but for pete's sake LET HIM GO. | |
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