|
|
|
|
|
| Trouble getting over the 'Emotional Abuser' ...
Posted: 2/15/2009 4:29:32 PM | Hi everyone,
I'd really appreciate some advice or to hear your experiences. I've been having trouble moving on from my last serious relationship.
Our relationship started out great, and I fell completely in love with him. We were in our 20's, and after a few months of dating things were going so well that we bought a house and moved in together. That's when he started to change.
He started to become really critical of me. His insults were usually disguised as sarcastic little 'jokes' and comments. Only they cut to the bone. Pretty soon I couldn't do anything right. He was moody, unreliable and unpredictable. Every day I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I tried so hard not to annoy him. I censored what I said all the time. I loved him so much and I never wanted to argue. I grew up seeing too much fighting in my family so I wanted my own home to be peaceful and happy.
In the 3 years we were together, my ex went out partying with his buddies almost every weekend and left me at home alone. He put me down when he was around, degraded me in front of friends, lied to me, cheated on me, stole from his job (we worked at the same company) and basically made me feel like I was a piece of garbage. I also found out from a mutual friend that he had a child with another girl whom he didn't claim or support. Something he never told me.
When I finally moved out, I had very little self confidence and I couldn't imagine living without him. I knew how mean he could be but I still went back to him many times before we finally ended things. Only here I am, 3 years after the break up, still feeling so sad and heartbroken. Despite everything, I loved him. I've dated a lot and had casual relationships with guys since the break up but I've never had another boyfriend because deep down I'm terrified of getting close to men and dating.
I think of my ex every single day, and I miss him and our home and our life together. I can't help thinking that if I just did things the right way, he would have loved me. Sometimes I blame myself for not being better, more understanding, more whatever-it-was-that-he-wanted. And sometimes I know how insane and pathetic that sounds. I still can't understand how our relationship could have meant everything to me and nothing to him. I feel like a shell of a person, like I will never find love or happiness. Some days I believe that breaking up with him was my only choice, and other days I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life, as I've never truly cared for anyone since him. | |
|
| Trouble getting over the 'Emotional Abuser' ...
Posted: 2/15/2009 4:42:45 PM | Hi,
Well i feel very sorry for you,anyone with a heart would for you.Obviously you have been treated like dirt and dragged through it aswell.Your certainly not in the wrong,and don't blame yourself in any way,there was something special at one time between you,but even though it's hard to forget people you once loved,you have to move on,i know thats easy said than done,but you don't deserve to be treated like that for gods sake.
This is the trouble with some men,they just have no respect for anything other than their own stupid selfish lives,i hope you find someone nice one day which you will and forget about the problems of old.
Best of luck to you. | |
|
| Trouble getting over the 'Emotional Abuser' ...
Posted: 2/15/2009 4:54:25 PM | When I was in my early 30s I fell hook, line and sinker for a real smooth talker. He took me out for fancy dinners, bought me expensive gifts, showered me with compliments and did little things to brighten my day.
After several months of this too good to be true behavior, we bought a house together. Everything seemed perfect. Then the engagement ring arrived, and soon after that everything changed. He began insulting me, being critical of even the smallest difference between the way I did things and the way his mommy did them back home. He delighted in making fun of me in front of friends and keeping me from my family.
My friends and coworkers all tried to convince me to leave him, but I was so in love with the whole idea of being in love that I was seemingly oblivious to the fact that I deserved better...much better than a man such as him.
I became suicidal...believing the words/criticism he tossed my way. Thankfully I woke up from the nightmare and left him. Took me years to regain my self-worth and be comfortable enough around men to start dating again.
Dear OP, do not give any more thought to the "what might have beens" with this man. He does not deserve you. Seems to me that both your ex and mine are so busy loving themselves that they are not capable of showing anything but contempt for others. Run...don't walk...away from this man, and stay away from him!!!! | |
|
| Trouble getting over the 'Emotional Abuser' ...
Posted: 2/15/2009 5:03:36 PM | Your ex sounds like scum to be honest, I feel bad for you 
Don't blame yourself, it's 100% his fault.
can't help thinking that if I just did things the right way, he would have loved me. Sometimes I blame myself for not being better, more understanding, more whatever-it-was-that-he-wanted.
You have to stop thinking like this. There's nothing you could have done differently. It sounds like he has really, really low self esteem, and the only way he knows how to make himself feel good is to make other people feel miserable. It makes him feel powerful when he manipulates people like that, and he feels powerless most of the time because he has no self confidence. Did he have a rough childhood, or some kind of traumatic event in his past, by any chance?
The worst thing you are doing about the situation right now is thinking about it too much. You should be doing things, not thinking about things. Always be active, and surround yourself with positive people.
I'm not sure what advice to give as I've never been in that situation, but if you were a guy I'd say this. You've been hurt, you've had time to lick your wounds, and NOW is the time to get back in the game. Nothing can change the past, so just suck it up, be strong, and hold your head up high. Now, get out there and kick the world's *ss. | |
|
| Trouble getting over the 'Emotional Abuser' ...
Posted: 2/15/2009 5:49:10 PM | It's time that you get into actual therapy with a licensed professional counselor or clinicial psychologist. Please turn to the county if you find it difficult to pay for these services because they are readily available to anyone who takes the time to seek them out. You can also find counseling services through any family violence agency. Simply google "family violence" in your area and you'll see what pops up. You will probably be eligible for free counseling. Emotional abuse like you have described in your OP is absolutely no different than physical violence - both constitute abuse that many, many women endure on a daily basis.
I also suggest that you rent and watch the following movie: "Sleeping with the Enemy."
I'm sure you'll empathize and relate and it might encourage you to seek help before you potentially attract yet another abusive man into your life. Please do take my advice and I'm sure, the advice of others here. There is absolutely no reason to go on attracting and tolerating abusive individuals. They are not part and parcel of a woman's life. These are insecure, emotionally screwed up individuals who look for women who they can turn into someone who becomes passive and subservient because she is easier to use and abuse. If you have experienced abuse in your past or in your family of origin, this is like a radar that these damaged people can internally sense and they'll find you every time.
Many women, if they feel unattractive on some level, believe they have to settle for an abusive man and they stay with these kind of men far too long. The only way to prevent this from occurring to you again and again is if you address this in counseling. Even then, you have to be on your guard because you may still attract abusive types. I wish the best for you in the future.
| |
|
| Trouble getting over the 'Emotional Abuser' ...
Posted: 2/15/2009 6:15:27 PM | | I’m not knocking you, or the advice of other posters, but I agree with southernlass about seeing somebody professional. It sounds like you need a little more help to get over this than what you’ll find here.You said it has been three years, but you still think of him every day. You say you miss the home you had with him, but before that you said you had to walk around on eggshells. That sounds more like a prison not a home. Do you want to be in the same boat three years from now? | |
|
| Trouble getting over the 'Emotional Abuser' ...
Posted: 2/15/2009 6:31:43 PM | NO NO NO!
The last paragraph, OP! The right way? Don't you mean "his" way? This guy can't love anybody...ANYBODY.....so there was nothing you could do! But I bet he could see you coming a mile away. Someone who wanted to be loved so much she would put up with even the likes of him. You need to feel better about yourself and every episode with a guy like him gets you farther and farther away from that.
Critical, moody and unpredictable.......hey, what's not to love? Made you feel like a piece of garbage....your words.......why throw your love, your precious feelings away on him?
You don't want to feel alone....no one does. You have to change your whole mindset or the only guys you will ever "care about" will be abusers. | |
|
| Trouble getting over the 'Emotional Abuser' ...
Posted: 2/15/2009 8:55:14 PM | | Hi sweetie, I read your story and realized it sounds alot like my life. It has taken me 3 years to get over my marriage ending, im starting to date a little. The best advise I can give you is in time your wounds will heal. Right now be around people that love you and can help bring your spirits up. The best way Ive been taught to get over something tragic is to write a letter to that person, just vent let out all the anger, sadness, hurt feelings. weather or not you send it to the person is up to you. I personally dug a hole in the ground and placed it in the ground with that went all my anger, sadness, resentment feelings. said a prayer and covered the hole. I have faith that you make it through this, good luck! | |
|
| Trouble getting over the 'Emotional Abuser' ...
Posted: 2/16/2009 3:22:37 PM | | Thanks to everyone for your advice and sharing your experiences! I guess sometimes it's hard to let go of the 'dream' of you life together. Our home was beautiful, I was in love, I had everything I ever wanted....only problem was, it was with the wrong person. So not fair! LOL When I met him I was much more open and generous with my heart. I feel like that part of me has changed. Now it's trying to learn how to take down that brick wall...... | |
|
| Trouble getting over the 'Emotional Abuser' ...
Posted: 2/16/2009 3:47:54 PM | I feel for you...you must break the cycle of your emotional perpetrator. He did you no favors...but at least you saw a flicker of light and moved out...that is the best thing you could have done for yourself.
I too had a long term abuser...I saw this scenerio...when I watched Titanic.
He would have been the ones who used YOU as a life preserver and discarded you when he was safe in a raft with others. He never looked back as he is being taken ashore...chatting with others and smiling.."that was a close call"... | |
|
| Trouble getting over the 'Emotional Abuser' ...
Posted: 2/16/2009 4:00:08 PM | | The problem was HIS - he has low self-esteem, so he sought to break you down, making HIS problem your problem. To get over him or past him, find hobbies, take classes, go out with friends, do some volunteer work. It really helps to get around healthier, more stable people. Surrounding yourself with good people will help you get past this negative piece of your past. | |
|
| Trouble getting over the 'Emotional Abuser' ...
Posted: 2/16/2009 4:09:01 PM | i no the feeling.in your ad is how i feel.the feeling are not as bad to day.i am a one woman man.i did my very best for her and her mom and kis.she was in to voodoo.thing got very bad.i loved her so bad it hurt.you ad tells just how i feel.
sammy | |
|
| |
| Trouble getting over the 'Emotional Abuser' ...
Posted: 2/16/2009 8:56:04 PM | | Research shows that people who suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (e.g. Vets) are likely to abuse. Your insensitive and insulting response to this woman was unbelievable. Hopefully, this is an effect of your military experiences that won't last forever. The VA provides treatment. | |
|
| Trouble getting over the 'Emotional Abuser' ...
Posted: 2/17/2009 4:33:26 AM | OP,
What you've been through is very hard to get over, but you CAN do it.
If you want to understand more about the dynamics of your ex, read about narcissists. He sounds like a classic example. A narcissist is someone who needs constant attention and will suck the joy right out of your life. They achieve this in many ways. One is to always keep you off balance. You are so busy trying to please him and "fix" the things that he criticizes that you don't even have time to stop and realize that the criticism is out of line.
Most of the criticism he dishes out is projection. That means that he is dumping his emotional garbage onto you. If he accuses you of being stupid, lazy, selfish, or whatever, you can be sure it is because HE is.
He is a master of making you think that everything is your fault. That way he never has to face his own faults. I would bet money that when something goes wrong, one of the first things he says is "It's not my fault." or "It's your fault." or "Don't blame me." or something like that. Does he try to fix a problem? NO. He is only interested in pointing the finger and avoiding responsibility.
There is no way you could have ever done "things the right way." That is his game. He would have found fault with whatever you did.
I will also bet that he often acts like a victim, even when he was the one who caused the problem.
A narcissist is not able to change. Therapy and counseling will not help. In a normal couple with problems, both parties will admit their part in the problem and work to try to improve it because they love each other, care about each other, and want to improve the relationship. When one party is a narcissist, he will be unable to accept any responsibility. He only cares about playing the game of keeping you off balance. He does NOT care about your feelings.
Counseling will just teach him new techniques to manipulate you. (Also, beware that many counselors will be unable to recognize his pathology. He will either try to charm them into being on his side and convince them that you are "defective" or else he will try to bully them into this. If a counselor IS able to see through it, he will stop going.)
So, you did EXACTLY THE RIGHT THING by leaving him. It took a lot of courage. Surround yourself with friends and people who love you and treat you well. Do not think about the ex. If you do, you are letting him maintain ownership of a part of your mind. Think about this: People like your ex prey on the nicest and most compassionate people. That is you.
Don't lose your genuine niceness and compassion. Just be careful that the next guy is worthy of it.
If you want to talk, email me.
Best to you. | |
|
| Trouble getting over the 'Emotional Abuser' ...
Posted: 2/17/2009 4:38:27 AM | OP- I just wanted to let you know that you are NOT alone. I am dealing with the same man.
kebemik -- you are amazing at advice, I just wanted you to know you described my situation exactly, and thank you!
**Hugs** | |
|
~Eve~
|
Joined: 10/3/2008
Msg: 17 | |
| Trouble getting over the 'Emotional Abuser' ...
Posted: 2/17/2009 7:29:47 PM | Agree with kebemik (msg 16)
They are also very charming and clever, that's why he was so good at fooling you in the beginning.
Your first clue was the "walking on eggshells feeling". Take your heart, run fast through the shells and the eggs to get away from the bad feelings you are holding onto and don't look back.
I've learned that when someone hurts you, it's unimportant unless you persist in remembering it. | |
|
| Trouble getting over the 'Emotional Abuser' ...
Posted: 2/17/2009 8:47:20 PM | @4theforum...
Honey, get help please!!!!
I've been there, married almost 19 years and raised 2 kids. It wasn't a good environment. Many depressed thoughts over the years (some extremely bad). I had friends not call when he was at home it was that bad. I finally realaized I needed out of that when my children started acting just like him. They deserved a better role model from me.
There's still times I wonder if I could have done something different to make it work. But, I know it's HIS problem, not mine. It's taken over 2 years to try and overcome the abuse, it will take many more before it's done. I believe with all my heart, you can be the person you were meant to be, without that damage.
It was an experience. How you choose to use that is up to you. You can take it negatively and keep yourself down or you can learn from it and not let yourself be a victim anymore.
But... Please get help. No one deserves to be treated like that. | |
|
| Trouble getting over the 'Emotional Abuser' ...
Posted: 2/17/2009 10:43:11 PM | | Don't blame yourself. In an abusive relationship its all the abusers fault, grow stronger from it and learn. Above all never take that kind of shit form someone again, if they are willfully treating you subhuman just because they can they are a despicable person and it is best to remove yourself from them. You might need to heal before you can love someone again, I spent 4 years healing from my last real relationship and at my age that is saying a lot; and I'm still wondering if I can actually trust someone. | |
|
| Trouble getting over the 'Emotional Abuser' ...
Posted: 2/17/2009 11:02:46 PM | 4theforum.. The first thing I want to say to you is congratulations for having the courage to leave him. You should be soo proud of being able to accomplish that vital step when so many can't. By doing so, you proved two things that you should look at when you see yourself as a "shell". First, you were able to think highly enough of yourself to walk away (and that takes some kind of huge cojones when you've just spent everyday of 3 years being crushed under someone's boot). So you are NOT a shell... Somebody inside you wants to live and knows that he isn't right about all those things he said... That somebody doesn't want to hurt anymore and didn't believe all of his insults. Secondly, you are here and posting. That same somebody that cared enough about your happiness to walk out the door.. the healthy part of you.. is still screaming at you to go on with your life. Both of these things say, he didn't win. Heh heh heh!!!
I have been where you are... I know the loneliness, the pain, the anger and most of all, the terrible confusion a person can be left to walk around with... That's precisely how he wanted you to feel. It's where all of his insults and ugliness were intending to put you... Into the abyss of confusion and uncertainty. I think I will be correct to say that there is probably not one thing about you that he didn't try to shatter and break. These guys don't just get angry when there's no bread in the house. They systematically tear away every good feeling you ever had about yourself in every area of your being. They are soul-destroying in every way I can think of...
These people are "sociopaths"... They have no conscience, no remorse and no feelings. They take no responsibility for what they do. Many of them get physically violent but the worst wounds are the ones they leave on your soul. Bruises and welts heal but the ones on the inside, have no way to heal without being allowed to emerge into the sunlight. Because these people don't "feel", they see other people who care and have feelings as being weak and deserving of their disrespect and/or contempt.
We ask ourselves why we continue to feel so strongly for them and why, the hurtful memories don't stay front and center to protect us when all we want is to go on with our lives... Until we carve our new future, there isn't one and we keep slipping into the past. Until we come to truly understand that there was NO relationship (because it takes TWO caring people to have a relationship), we remain confused.
This "thing" you are grieving is your own dream... born of the dissension and sadness in your childhood. If you understand that it will always be true that until we heal from our childhoods, our adult decisions often reflect our continuing "reaction" to the things we haven't healed from, you will also know that your determination to make this relationship work, was also a "reaction" to your childhood. These feelings are often so close to the bone, we don't even know we have them.
You can't get into another relationship now because you aren't ready to do so. You need some time to get to know the real you again and I would strongly recommend a good counselor to help you with that. You might find that it helps you to get rid of anything and everything that reminds you of him... Have a funeral and bury it somewhere. It isn't your dream you're burying. It's your magical thinking... The stuff that made you hope you could make a silk purse out of a sows ear. The "dream" is still very much alive and waiting for you to catch up.
You are not alone OP... There are 1000's of people walking around wondering if they will EVER be able to get on with their lives. We are never the same after being with someone like this but that, in itself, is a good thing.
You might find this thread helpful... There are some excellent insights and tools for starting over by some of the best minds on this forum.
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts10157162.aspx
Please feel free to p.m. me if you just want to talk... Welcome to your new life and God bless...
| |
|
| Trouble getting over the 'Emotional Abuser' ...
Posted: 2/18/2009 6:03:41 AM | I'm so sorry you went through all that. Remember is it NOT your fault. Abusive and manipulative people aren't stupid, they know how to "get" you, how to work at your ego and self esteem and how to paralyze you so they can keep you under their thumb. The co-mingling of money/living arrangements is a good way to get the foot in the door. It's very easy to say "leave him" but much harder to do when the cold hard fact is that you don't have the resources to do so! I'm sure now you are (after his psych warfare) thinking it was all your fault, because he got you thinking that you are in so many ways a deficient human being...
Take time, and re-evaluate your life, who you are and what you want. Learn to love and cherish yourself again, surround yourself with family and friends who will be your personal cheerleaders...and if that's not possible, or uncomfortable, seek out a support group or counseling. You can and will get through this, come out the other side a better person, and make a new and better life. | |
|
| Trouble getting over the 'Emotional Abuser' ...
Posted: 2/18/2009 6:52:36 PM | | Thanks so much to everyone who has taken the time to reply. I am overwhelmed by your insight, caring, and kindness of spirit. What an amazing group of people :) Truly from my heart, thank you. | |
|
| Trouble getting over the 'Emotional Abuser' ...
Posted: 2/19/2009 9:42:05 PM | exactly how you feel, so many emotions and your heart actually aches, i've been on an emotional roller-coaster for a long time now. you keep thinking he'll change for the better, that he will understand what he has, but for the most part, he just gets worse. you can't understand his behavior because it doesn't make any sense. he is either wonderful or rotton in his treatment of you, there is no in-between. he takes no responsibility for his actions, he will either totally ignore, neglect, or hurt your feelings with his words or silence and he could care less unlesss he wants something from you, because he's a macho man who is really a coward when it comes to feelings because, yes, unforunately, he's more in love with himself than you. he is a very selfish person, it's all about him, always. he has no respect, regards, for your feelings. he is a charmer, knows all the right things to say, he's a master manipulator to get you to do or believe anything. he is a liar, cheater, egotistic, self-centered male, not a man, who knows nothing about being real. he's disrespectful, non-appreciative, a womanizer who has to have everything his way, everything is all about looks and sex, claims to be romantic, but it's all an act, has no clue what i's all about because it's all about him. he tries to say you are just jealous and insecure when your'e not and if you are, it's only because he's made you think that way. the problems always have to be your fault, even when they arn't. what's hard for us ladies is we want so much for these kind of guys to be the men they claimed to be when we met and fell for them. the problem is, we don't find out the deception untill it's too late, so we hang on to see if maybe there's a chance he could change, but we soon discover, he's not the man he proclaimed to be but we don't want to let go of that "man" we fell in love with. i've asked myself a million times,why can't he just be who he made me believe he was, because now it's so hard to leave because the feelings are very hard to get rid of once it involves the heart. i finally asked for help from the good Lord because i was devastated that i had put so much time, effort, and love into this relationship for him to keep on hurting me over and over again after i had done nothing wrong. i was so devoted to him, adored him, untill i had enough, i had to get angry, and it took a lot of strength to "let go and let God" but it worked. try prayer, it will help you release yourself from the cage he keeps your mind in. you have to free your mind of the good, and just remember the bad, and that's not easy, but that's what helps you not go back to the vicious cycle of an emotional abuser. i wish you all the best in your recovery from your heartbreak, but you can do it, stay strong and focused and most of all pray. i know now he really wasn't worthy of my love and he's the one who lost here, not me. was once then got  God bless you, sincerely, lady1952 | |
|
| Trouble getting over the 'Emotional Abuser' ...
Posted: 2/21/2009 10:31:47 AM | | Exactly, Exactly, Exactly. Thank you so much for putting my situation EXACTLY into the words I couldn't, and for making me think that maybe I'm not crazy afterall! A relationship like that leaves you so off balance and so uncertain, mostly of yourself. All the best to you too. | |
|
| Trouble getting over the 'Emotional Abuser' ...
Posted: 3/5/2009 2:44:17 AM | Hi 4
I just wanted to say that i know exactly how you feel and that your first message really hit me. i was in the same situation, i was with my gf for 7 years, i was so deeply in love but she was often distant and confused as had been hurt before and was always reluctant to tell people we were an official item, everything was on her terms and i used to walk on eggshells too all the time, she would often say and do things that would leave me upset and nothing i did was right, we ended up having a break and i felt that i could be me again, but then she came back and said everything had changed and she had been to counceling and that we would be together properly, but said that it would only happen on condition that i got rid of the friends id made since we split. it was like a dream come true that she wanted me, but i was so hurt by 7 years of hard times that i pushed her away and was stubborn about her demands. her last demand was that i sold my car, becuase one of my female friends had been in it. i said no, and a week later after not hearing anything, i txt to ask what was happening and she said shed found someone else and that it wasnt planned and that we had both moved on now. i was devestated. that was 6 months ago and i miss her and feel like i was the one that pushed her away, i feel awful and not a moment goes past when i dont regret taking the chance for us to be together. it sounds so pathetic to hear myself say it, but i wish she was here now and i dont know how to fix it.
Peter. | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
