| I have guilt .. is it warranted?
Posted: 6/26/2005 1:21:57 PM | Hi all POFers ..
I have a friend (female, as am I). I've known her for many, many years. And we've had some really good times, AND SOME REALLY CRAPPY TIMES! She's very emotional, will pick fights when she's in a bad mood. It's always YOUR fault and so now, I've decided to walk away. My guilt u ask? She has severe medical problems and I'm a friggin' healer (I'm working on my nursing credential). In the past, she'd jerk the 'I'm sick and I need you' chain, and I'd fall back into it. She's manipulative. I know she has some good qualities (I've known her FOR YEARS!) but I just want out! SHOULD I FEEL GUILTY? | |
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| I have guilt .. is it warranted?
Posted: 6/26/2005 1:25:00 PM | | If you like feeling guilty, by all means do so. If not, don't. It's an elective emotion. You can set conditions on the rlationship and provide her with some structure, which might help her if she's confused. There is room between walking away and being wide open. But the question was about being feeling guilty. | |
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| I have guilt .. is it warranted?
Posted: 6/26/2005 1:33:12 PM | Aye. That was really well written. So what you're saying is .. I should draw some boundaries? THAT'S EXCELLENT ADVICE!
t/u
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| I have guilt .. is it warranted?
Posted: 6/26/2005 1:33:28 PM | | why woud you feel guilty? sounds like she drives you nuts more than anything. Yeah, you 2 were friends but you have to them wisely. My mom is the same way. Though i love her to death, i keep my distance. | |
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| I have guilt .. is it warranted?
Posted: 6/26/2005 2:06:26 PM | | I have been disabled all my life. I've also been through A LOT of $hit caused by my disabillity. One thing I've never done and never will do is dump it on my friends/family. Whiners annoy me. Tell her to "deal with it, get over it, and be thankful she is still here, sick or healthy". I know this might sound cold, but she needs a reality check. People always ask me how I go through everything I do and still smile. I tell them next time they think their life can't get any worse to look around, watch the news, or read the newspaper, there is always a lot of people worse off. | |
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| I have guilt .. is it warranted?
Posted: 6/26/2005 2:13:48 PM | Now you know what guys have to put up with from women 24/7/365.
Nasty, huh?
Don't feel guilty. (but you will anyhow). Often people think themselves sick just to get attention.
I have known "her" before and the worst thing you can do is cater to them.
If she's really sick there's medical help available.
Be a friend but don't be a sucker | |
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| I have guilt .. is it warranted?
Posted: 6/26/2005 3:21:51 PM | bunny,you shouldn't feel guilty,after being "chained around" like that,
you get tired of being used and they used whatever resource they can to make
you feel guilty,wich usually works!
I've been used,and even if I still feel guilty when i shouldn't,I still get them out
of my life,wich i've done,otherwise,you'll hit rock bottom in depression if you
don't get out!
I got no time for people who try to make me feel guilty for something they are
doing to me,so I leave,i know I did my best,and if that's not good enough,
too bad!!!
I went through what ya did bunny,and even though I was no nurse,I was still
there for him and got burnt,so I left end of story! | |
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| I have guilt .. is it warranted?
Posted: 6/26/2005 3:30:05 PM | No guilt whatsoever. Needy people who suck the energy out of you need therapy, not you.
I am a very direct person, and I would just tell her "I don't have the time in my day or the energy to waste listening to you whine. The phone book is full of shrinks. Pick one out and stop annoying me."
And if she has a problem with your honesty, review what a friend really is and move on. | |
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| I have guilt .. is it warranted?
Posted: 6/26/2005 3:57:16 PM | Don't feel guilty.
A "friend" of mine used me in similar ways .... always sick, always whining, always going through something traumatic, always having men troubles, always needing a sitter (for free) ........ always in need of something.
I was dumb enough to lend her a reasonably large sum of money. To this day she still owes me over 1500.00 ..... but I walked and don't expect to see it. Losing the money was worth my peace and sanity.
Everybody has their own ups and downs in life, but when a so-called friend is constantly trying to bring you down with them, they aren't a true friend. | |
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| I have guilt .. is it warranted?
Posted: 6/26/2005 4:01:05 PM | No! Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone like this is to walk away. These people take and take and never give back. Don't walk, RUN!
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| I have guilt .. is it warranted?
Posted: 6/26/2005 6:24:56 PM | | bunny, you should feel no guilt. None. The so-called "friend" obviously has problems, and does need help, but from a different source. She is using her sickness to put guilt trips on you, and it seems to be working. You have tried for a long time, but it sounds like it's time to move on. I would tell her that, and try to find a referral for her if possible for counseling. She has to face up somehow to her miserable situation, and I would truly feel sorry for her too. But she is also hurting you in the process. You can't allow that to happen as it will be detrimental to your well-being. To be her real friend, it is not your duty to continue nourishing her dependency to use you for her whipping board. She may not realize just how sick she is by doing this to you. You owe it to yourself and her to get her other help who might hopefully be the proper channel. You have tried your best, and that's all you can do. Be good to yourself now. | |
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| I have guilt .. is it warranted?
Posted: 6/26/2005 7:18:04 PM | Frienship implies many things...through thick and thin..true friends have the abiltiy to talk to each other without the fear of breaking the friendship...the question is..is her medical condition that hard to endure to the point where you can walk away.?
Think of it this way...what if the situation was reverse.
You only, can answer these questions...walk away and you may regret it or stay....but you will have to draw the line in the sand with her...put your cards on the table as it were.
Ultimately the right decision is always the hardest one to make. | |
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| I have guilt .. is it warranted?
Posted: 6/26/2005 7:51:03 PM | | Also remember that every time you patronize her you are enabling her. The way you help an alcoholic is to not bail them out every time. You have a friendoholic here. You will be doing her a favor if you force her to deal with her issues on her own. | |
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| I have guilt .. is it warranted?
Posted: 6/26/2005 8:00:57 PM | it all comes down to a simple fact... a friend wouldnt do that to you... I'm not saying a friend cant need help... but they wont make you feel guilty to get it... if they do then they arent acting as a friend, and if they do it all the time, wheres the friendship???
as for you being a healer and wanting to help... obviously you cant help her (at least not to her satisfaction) so you would be better off getting away from her and giving your energy to helping those you can.... | |
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| I have guilt .. is it warranted?
Posted: 6/26/2005 8:03:14 PM | | bunnyslut you really don't need to feel guilty. seems to me you've done quite a bit for her and have not really received anything from her in return. you know deep down that she's not really a true friend. she is someone that you've known for a very long time. i know i was in the same boat you were. people with big hearts get taken advantage of quite a bit. i'm out of that mess now. maybe it's time for you to move on too. good luck. | |
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RitzNB
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Joined: 3/16/2005
Msg: 21 | |
| I have guilt .. is it warranted?
Posted: 6/26/2005 10:37:39 PM | @ bunnyslut
I was in your shoes 3 years ago. I ended a friendship of about 14 years with a lady who was like a third sister to me. I had been contemplating it for about a year prior. I felt she was taking advantage of me. I was always there for her over the years but the few times I needed her she wasn't there for me. It seemed like the friendship was one sided most of the time. One night she called me in a crisis. She asked me to meet her at a coffee shop. I agreed to meet her. I sat there for almost 2 hours while she told me all her problems. Like a good friend I gave her advice blah blah blah. Not once did she ask me how I was doing. I hadn't seen her in months. It was winter time so we left. I go into my car but didn't leave right away. I wanted to warm it up first. She proceeds to follow me into my car. I had enough at that point. I told her I wanted to end the friendship. She was stunned but said she had felt it coming for some time. I did feel enormous guilt for what I had done. I tried contacting her and she wouldn't return my calls. I gave up after a few times. Over the course of three years I ran into her a few times. The first time was really akward. I didn't know if I should say hi or pretend I hadn't seen her. Being me I took a chance and said hi. We talked for at least an hour. I've seen her a few times since then. We're slowly building the frienship back. We even had an outing a several weeks ago. It felt like old times. | |
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