| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/23/2009 3:01:45 PM | This is a sensitive subject for most and I am no exception. I had a double mastectomy Nov/07. I posted that on my profile with obviously little interest. My Social Worker advised me not to post it, but to wait until the guy gets to know me first, then tell him. I've asked a few of my male friends and they say not to post it on my profile.
I don't know what to do about this. If I don't say it straight up, I feel like I'm being dishonest. If I do say it straight up, I don't get men wanting to date me (for the most part)
So this is what I want to know. Should I just be upfront about it and post it on my profile so the men know what's up, right away? Or save it for a conversation after we meet? AND guys would you fall in love with a women with no breasts? AND what do you think about this topic? AND if the answer is "post it on your profile" how should I say it?
I had Breast Cancer! I am a Survivor and I want to move on and find a life partner. I don't have any issues with the lack of breasts, just like I wouldn't care if the man I fell in love with had a surgery issues, heart issues, etc..
All Opinions and/or Advise is welcome.
C.J.
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/23/2009 3:04:48 PM | | It wouldn't matter at all to me. You have my respect for being honest....not many here are. | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/23/2009 3:09:56 PM | OP - we all have our little "features".
Me - I fart dust and drool around cute females. Not to mention too dang old to still be "looking".
Not only those but .... I am greedy.
I've already have had over my limit - of females in my life (over 40 years of having a female in my life). Now I am after some other guy's portion lol.
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Just hold your head up (I do) and strut it girl. | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/23/2009 3:10:16 PM | I would put it on your thread. I think you say it simply and make no apologies, express no worries and hold your head up high. Perhaps, "I am a Cancer survivor who has had a Masectomy" Don't start or end your profile with it. Put it where you're talking about yourself. My hobbies are........ I was born in.......... I have always dreamed of........whatever you've written. I would place it there, where it's neither hidden or broadcasted. It's an aspect of who you are, that's all. I have friends who have had the same procedure and like you they sound so brave that they shame the rest of us. And YES, I would date a woman who'd had a Masectomy. Don't despair, I'm sure he's out there.
love,
doug | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/23/2009 3:11:30 PM | I never thought of this, but I guess guys will know now that I had a mastectomy, that don't know already. I kind of forgot these get posted on your profile. I would still like opinons and advise. Thanks All. C.J.  | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/23/2009 3:12:04 PM | Being honest is the way to go! Glad your still here. You'll find more responces for you being stright up and front. Maybe yours words will be helpful to others to do the same!
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| Mastectomy and Dating
Posted: 2/23/2009 3:14:15 PM | | Until men post the size and shape of their manhood and the cup size of their man boobs, I do not think women are required to post about theirs in their profiles. Seriously, that's a private matter between you and someone you are thinking of getting intimate with. I am not a handicap waiting to be fulfilled by someone accepting me, what I am is a whole person with some handicaps. | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/23/2009 3:17:25 PM | | Thank you about the comments about honesty and putting on my profile. That is what I think I should do as well. I don't like when a man hits me with something that might change the relationship later. I believe that we should have a choice about who we are dating and something as big as no breasts isn't A "oh, by the way.... | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/23/2009 3:20:04 PM | I think whatever makes you feel comfortable is the best policy. Sometimes we have to many people giving us advice.
Sure you may get less responses, but it means you can weed out quicker.
How should you put it in your profile. I would use humor. Unlucky man can knock on wood. I will show you my scar if you show me yours. At least my t its are not saggy.
I think you just come out with it. If you show you are comfortable with it maybe he will be too. Or more capable of letting you know his flaws. | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/23/2009 3:20:55 PM | Quote: Until men post the size and shape of their manhood and the cup size of their man boobs, I do not think women are required to post about theirs in their profiles. Seriously, that's a private matter between you and someone you are thinking of getting intimate with. I am not a handicap waiting to be fulfilled by someone accepting me, what I am is a whole person with some handicaps. Unquote
Very Good Point
L..why bother reading this post if you're not interested in it. This is after all a "Relationship" forum and I consider this a "relationship issue? I asked for Opinions and you have a right to yours. God Bless | |
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Landra
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Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 11 | |
| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/23/2009 3:31:18 PM | Not to be rude but your breasts are none of my business.
Any more than my health history is yours.
I don't think it belongs on a dating site profile.
Your male friends said not to post it.
Your social worker said not to post it.
So you have the opinions of men + a professional
I'd listen to them | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/23/2009 3:56:33 PM | OP, congratulations on being a survivor!
as for posting this info on your profile, that's a toughie. I imagine you'll get responses ranging from guys with an unhealthy attitude to real men who applaud your courage and honesty. if you're going to adopt the attitude of, "this is what happened to me. it does not define me as a person, but it is part of my history," you'll be sure to weed out a lot of people.
whatever you decided, you GO, girlfriend!! | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/23/2009 4:00:59 PM | Think id let that slide and not put it in there. Frankly, Im sure you are proud you beat cancer. But do you really want everyone to know that.
Take it out, thats something you should maybe discuss before a date. | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/23/2009 4:06:31 PM | First of all sweetie I am very sorry about having to lose your breast,but I am so happy that you are still here with us and that you beat cancer. I also think you should tell men you date relatively early on about your mastectomy. I don't think it should be the first thing out of your mouth or even on the first date, but it should be soon after starting to date someone. Any man worth anything will understand how hurtful going through this for you was and why you didn't tell them the first moment you met them. Anyway this is not really a strangers business and someone you have only been on one date with is pretty much a stranger. | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/23/2009 4:08:09 PM | Hello sister... Ias well had a double mastectomy in sept of 07.. my husband of almost 28 years divorced me because he could not handle it. I am well now, what I was told was to put that I am a cancer survivor and leave the details for when you get to know someone or they ask. Many people have misconceptions about it. When you find the right person it should not matter. Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers. You Rock | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/23/2009 4:18:50 PM |
My Social Worker advised me not to post it, but to wait until the guy gets to know me first, then tell him. I've asked a few of my male friends and they say not to post it on my profile.
F*ck what other people think. Do whatever you want to do. This is about you, not them. If you feel it's important enough to reveal, then do it. If you put in a manner that neither exhibits shame nor pity, it can be quite empowering for you.
If it turns a few people aside, who cares? It would have also turned them aside later. You are who you are.
AND guys would you fall in love with a women with no breasts?
I could give the token answer and say "yes", but in all honesty I'd have to be presented with the situation before I could answer unequivocally one way or the other. I believe with the right woman, I probably would. After all, I'm more of an ass man anyway. | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/23/2009 4:19:39 PM | Well, I look at it this way...
Are you looking for a date for you or a date for your body....?
If it's for you... post a profile about you... not about your body.... | |
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| Mastectomy and Dating
Posted: 2/23/2009 4:20:05 PM |
Until men post the size and shape of their manhood and the cup size of their man boobs, I do not think women are required to post about theirs in their profiles.
Absolfreakinlutely! OP...when you go out in public do you wear Tshirts that say " I don't have any breasts"?
If you feel a need to post a caveat...somewhere on your profile mention that you are a breast cancer survivor. That will at least keep away the dumbasses that will think that cancer is contagious, or that you won't be interested/won't be able to have sex.
Men with their heads on straight( they can't possibly have become extinct,though some days it surely seems like it) who are interested in dating can't say that the situation caught them flatfooted.
Best of luck to you !
Cindy O | |
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| Mastectomy and Dating
Posted: 2/23/2009 4:49:11 PM | | It is so difficult to "walk in your shoes" without being in your situation. I have lost friends and family to cancer and would rather have them here - without limbs, breasts, whatever, than to lose them. Surely, a person is more important than what parts they lose. I would hope I would standby my partner whatever surgery he had. My boyfriend died 6 months ago from a heart attack, if I could have had him live in whatever state I would have done and I would have cherished him whatever. I believe in accepting people for what they are and not what they look like. Love and be loved and cherish it every day. | |
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| Mastectomy and Dating
Posted: 2/23/2009 4:57:13 PM | OP it's really up to you what you write or don't write in your profile. I appreciate you wanting to be honest as I feel the same way, however, there are still certain things I do not divulge to the whole of POF because I feel it is none of their business.
My only concern would be you wanting to tell all but then complaining that guys are not showing interest. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Either mention you've had cancer and survived and leave the rest for another day or put it all out there and be prepared for the reality.
The right guy will fall in love with you regardless.
All the best. | |
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| Mastectomy and Dating
Posted: 2/23/2009 5:09:34 PM | If I wouldn't put it on a billboard on the main freeway going through my city, I don't put it on a profile.
There is honesty, and then there is laying too much out there too quickly.
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toyoux
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Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 22 | |
| Mastectomy and Dating
Posted: 2/23/2009 5:12:16 PM | Msg 16 said it best!! Good response!!
OP: You are BEAUTIFUL and "parts are parts".......nothing more nor less. Any man to win your heart would be a lucky man indeed.  | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/23/2009 5:28:00 PM | CJ
This really is your choice, but I don't think you should put down that you had the mastectomy on your profile. I do think you should put down that you had breast cancer. Most guys are pretty smart and will understand that you might have had the mastectomy. That will be a good lead in for you to talk about it on your 2nd or 3rd date.
From my own personal experience.
I dated someone who had the reconstruction done, but didn't have the nipples applied yet. She told me on our 2nd date. I could feel like she wanted to tell me and I am glad she did. We dated for a few months and she ended up moving back east for her job.
You're a very beautiful woman and the 2nd or 3rd date is a good time to tell someone. I have no idea how hard that might be for you, but I think that's the best time to tell someone unless you know you're not interested in dating them long term.
Good luck CJ. Let us know what you ultimately decide to do. | |
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| Mastectomy and Dating
Posted: 2/23/2009 5:40:13 PM | This is one of those things that you eventually must reveal if you want to be intimate with a man.
Alternatively, we could blindfold him...however, I think even a blind man would notice the scars. (I was reconstructed by one of the best surgeons in my region.)
For me, one of the key words is "intimate."
Potentially, there are a lot of people that you may meet on this site and you don't click...no relationship is ever established.
Because of human nature, one would be inclined to think, "Oh, it's because of X."
It may well be because of y and z...but, the inclination is to think that it's about our breasts...or lack of breasts, as the case may be.
And, sometimes it is. She who has had the royal kiss off after the big reveal...by a man who "couldn't handle" it.
Boldly putting it out there is one possibility...and it is that strategy which you seem to be leaning toward. If that is your inclination, then embedding it is more suitable than making it a key selling point.
When it was fresh, I was inclined to tell everyone I met. Show'em, too. (This is what a breastless woman looks like. I felt absolutely bizarre...like I'd joined the circus.)
When it ages, I think we get to a place where we are less self-conscious about it...at least I hope so.
(Eventually, I did get to a place where I did not think about breast cancer all of the time. Eventually, I did get used to looking at that stranger in the mirror.)
I would like to hope that we are capable of being viewed as whole persons. That is something that we have to work out in our heads...and in our friends...and in our lovers.
Ultimately, there is no "right" answer to this. | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/23/2009 5:44:44 PM | I'm on the "don't post it" side of this fence. You're a beautiful woman.. you've got great legs btw .. It's something I think should be discussed when/if you see that glare of attraction rearing it's lovely head. You'll date a few before that happens, no doubt. Posting that you're a survivor is info enough I say.
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