| Kind of confused... need insight
Posted: 2/24/2009 11:05:14 PM | So recently I told someone that i have feelings for them.
I got the whole"I think our friendship is great just the way it is" talk, and I am cool with that.
Well recently she has been going out of her way to spend time with me. She has been introducing me to her other friends, we have been out driving around just talking, and we went out to dinner last night... It was my idea while we where out driving around so I paid.
I dont know what to think about the situation anymore. I mean this is starting to feel like a relationship but there isnt any intimacy. I'm reading all kinds of signals like bringing me little gifts like cookies, and small treats. Whenever we are both not working she comes over and we spend most of the day together. The other night we where watching a movie and she wrapped her arms around me and listened to my heartbeat for like 10 min. Im pretty sure I passed the friends test 2 days ago cause she took me to meet some of her older friends and we all had a great time playing board games and just having a good time.
So what I'm confused about is almost 2 weeks ago I told this girl that I was really into her and could see us being a good thing(not in those words), and I totally get shot down, Apparently I was in the friend zone, but now its almost like her persuing me.
I really don't know what to make of the situation cause she told me no but her actions and attitude are definitely saying yes. I'm not the only one who thinks this ether, my roommate has mentioned that she has been all about me lately.
Did I miss something?
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| Kind of confused... need insight
Posted: 2/24/2009 11:10:59 PM | Perhaps you missed it when she said
I think our friendship is great just the way it is and now you're misinterpreting her friendliness for more than it is. She likes hanging out with you, and perhaps feels bad that she knows your feelings are hurt, but values your friendship. So be her friend and not her date - stop paying for things and cuddling like a couple.
It's never fun when we're attracted to someone who simply doesn't view us the same way.
She might develop feelings for you in the future or things may stay the same. It's your call whether you're okay with how they are now. | |
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| Kind of confused... need insight
Posted: 2/24/2009 11:11:35 PM | Does she know what a good cook you are? That in itself means you're a keeper in my book.
All kidding aside, I'm going to disagree with the above response: yes, she's interested. For whatever reason, she's now responding to what you told her two weeks ago; differently.
Lucky You! | |
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| Kind of confused... need insight
Posted: 2/24/2009 11:15:31 PM | Dear night...
Please take your time with this, enjoy the friendship. Wow what a time you have had.
She is beginning to feel more comfortable around you and is willing to include you in with her other friends.
I think perhaps, you took the pressure off of the relationship when you accepted her non committal attitude and she is finding it a pleasure to be around you.
Until she actually tells you outright that she wants something more in the partnership, relax and if you can accept her as a friend, then do. But she has clearly stated that this is all she wants FOR NOW. | |
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| Kind of confused... need insight
Posted: 2/24/2009 11:16:28 PM |
I dont know what to think about the situation anymore. I mean this is starting to feel like a relationship but there isnt any intimacy. Um, yeah, that's called friendship.
In case ya didn't know. | |
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Joined: 10/13/2007
Msg: 8 | |
| Kind of confused... need insight
Posted: 2/25/2009 1:43:18 AM | Check her handbag...do you see two round things in there? If not check between your legs. She has turned you into a safe haven cuddly teddy bear, you are not in the friend zone...you are in the 'you are like my BROTHER zone' which is ten times more difficult to get out of. She clearly RAN from you when you declared your feelings for her...plain and simple, she isn't interested in you as a boyfriend...just a 'friend'.
She wants nothing more than attention from you, you'll spend all your free time thinking of things to do for her which she'll eat up like warm vanilla pudding. Have some self respect, spend waaay less time with her, find a woman who is interested in YOU. As soon as you do she will be all over you like white on rice but don't be fooled, its merely an attempt to put you back in her handbag. I've seen too many friends go through this one to see one more bro get the shaft.
You can be a really good friend to her when she tells you all about her new boyfriend who doesn't treat her nearly as well as you do. When she later becomes engaged to the same guy you can take comfort in knowing that she really cares for you more than him...after a few years and kids together she'll ask you to babysit, it may strike you then...you've been used. :-)
Doesn't a woman know in less than five seconds whether you make the cut? You didn't, sorry. | |
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| Kind of confused... need insight
Posted: 2/25/2009 2:07:23 AM | OP, what's the rush ??? Why not just let things unfold naturally ??? She obviously likes you and may simply need to feel more comfortable around you before leaping straight into a situation she may have been unsure or uneasy about.
Some of the best relationships develop from friendships.
Unless you are in a hurry and need to know pronto, let her take the lead and you sit tight. In the meantime, enjoy her company. | |
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| Kind of confused... need insight
Posted: 2/25/2009 3:16:15 AM | You told her how you feel..she gives you the * lets just be friends * chat.
Now she is going out of her way to spend time with you.
Introduce you to her friends.
Bring you gifts.
Wrapping her arms around you and listening to your heartbeat.....thats fairly intimate in my book.
Yanno...If I had to guess...Id say she was initially scared when you admitted your feelings, and now she may be having a change of heart and putting out *Feelers*
She may be testing her level of comfort with her own intimacy with you.
Im female, been thru this myself, I remember doing the same thing.
Being a bit frightened of the intial *admission* from the man , yet finding myself thinking on it more and more and growing quite fond of him.
Just go with the flow here. It sounds to me like she is making the moves and she just may surprise you. | |
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| Kind of confused... need insight
Posted: 2/25/2009 4:03:45 AM | You are a friend. She likes that. She can count on you for a date when she doesn't have one. She can tell her friends, oh this is the guy who likes me but he's just a friend. She can get all the benefits of a boyfriend without having to have sex with you. No pressure at all. Some women like the attention, the feeling of being wanted without the pressure to reciprocate.
I have a friend in the same situation, and I gave him the same advice yesterday that I'm going to give you. Back off, do your thing, find some other women to take out. Ones that are interested in you. Ones that LIKE you and are attracted to you. Your friend will either freak out about it and want to be with you, or she'll be just fine with it and find a new man to use.
It really is hard to be in a situation where you feel something for a person, and they don't reciprocate. It's like rejection every time you see them. And her toying with your feelings shows she is callous. Maybe you should ask her again. Ask her why she is suddenly being more ''friendly'' than usual. And if her feelings are changing. That is the only way you will ever know.
I have a friend who is very flirty with men. And men who like her usually get the ''well you are just a friend'' speech. She'll have one guy she is totally in love with and then a few ''friends'' she is stringing along. She will hug them, spend time with them, let them take her on dates, telling them all the time ''we're just friends'' while her body language is saying something totally different. She has confused and angered quite a number of men with her behavior, because after using them for awhile as a stand in date, they finally grow a pair and explode. Not exactly a place you want to be in.
proceed with caution. | |
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| Kind of confused... need insight
Posted: 2/25/2009 5:02:00 AM | | Why does everything have to be "either/or". Life is not "if we're not having sex, I'm in the dreaded friend zone". It sounds to me as though things are evolving nicely, let it ride, go with the flow, but at the same time don't be a doormat, let her come to you. It sounds to me as though she's learning to trust you. Actions speak louder than words, what's the rush, enjoy the journey. | |
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| Kind of confused... need insight
Posted: 2/25/2009 6:45:53 AM | I agree with msg 10. I feel too, that when you told her your feelings it may have freaked her out a bit but sounds like she's having second thoughts. She's the one doing the initiating now (going to your place to hang out, intro-ing you to her friends, wrapping her arms around you listening to your heartbeat, bringing you treats).
Id say, just keep doing what you're doing. Im betting it wont be too long before she has 'the talk' with you. :)
good luck! | |
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| Kind of confused... need insight
Posted: 2/25/2009 6:59:09 AM | I have to agree with malley and brooklyn.
You don't mention how long you have known each other but your admission of feelings for her may have been a bit too fast for her and she slowed you down with the friends thing. But now, knowing how you feel, she is more comfortable to move ahead at her own pace.
Maybe if more people took the time to get to know each other, build a friendship
Some of the best relationships develop from friendships. first, proceed a little more slowly, the forums and Ask A's would be empty and I'd have to find something else to do on my coffee breaks. There really are some of us who move at the speed of snail when it comes to relationships. It doesn't mean we are toying with the guy, using him for attention, or keeping him as the backup guy. It means that the relationship, or the potential for one, really matters to us and we want to do this right.
OP, she may just be the type of person who needs to be the one to set the pace. If you care about her and you think she's worth it, then let her progress in her own comfort zone. I did, however, say progress. Even snails show some forward movement! Good luck!  | |
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| Kind of confused... need insight
Posted: 2/25/2009 8:11:23 AM | Msg 8 and Msg 11. Yup. Right on the money. OP, if I get into a situation like this I find that what helps me is focusing on what I want. I mean I go with my feelings. Am I getting frustrated? Do I feel demeaned?
It's not my job to figure women out. I just use my instincts. It's about being honest with yourself. Not wishing it was more than it is. Nothing wrong with being friends, but I won't make a big investment.
You got to decide for yourself. What's your threshold? I get to a point and I say to myself "this is going nowhere." And I start to disengage. Nine times out of ten, they are relieved or don't care. Which confirms that the whole thing was just a wish-dream for me.
I have ONE friend who is an exception. Even without the sex, she is special. | |
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| Kind of confused... need insight
Posted: 2/25/2009 8:23:58 AM | I would enjoy it. I would take that kinda relationship over sex at this point, myself. The thing I miss most about being w/o a long term partner is the physical contact besides sex.
BUT... if you want to go further, I'd test it out. Make a move (be a gentleman, of course) and see what happens. Ultimately, if the relationship does not go where you need, you will eventually have to move on. But even if that happens, enjoy a bit what you have. | |
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| Kind of confused... need insight
Posted: 2/25/2009 8:28:18 AM | Don't be confused, she isn't interested in you. However she is interested in having a person around for those in between times when she isn't in a relationship. Be very careful of this and be sure not to pay for lots of things for her lest ye be wasting your money. Split everything with her just as friends, treat her just like you would a normal friend or you'll become attached whilst she already put the disclaimer out there of she likes the friendship just as it is. So when she finds her next man she wants to see more than a friend you'll be dropped (because boyfriends hate this guy and are jealous of this guy so you'll get the backseat) that is until he breaks up with her and she needs someone to hang out with watch movies with and cuddle with.
Be very careful of this situation and getting attached and thinking she's attracted, most of the time women don't change their minds when they put you in the friend or more aptly named the "big brother" section of their friends. Save your money, time and dignity and treat her like a guy friend. Her loss, why should you make it yours as well? | |
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| Kind of confused... need insight
Posted: 2/25/2009 8:45:52 AM | There is only one way to know for sure....ask her again about how she ranks your relationship, if you get the same response, then you will need to decide if you can be her friend and carry on with your quest for a significant other. She can be any number of the women described in this thread. Women, like men cannot be packaged into the same one box, we are all unique individuals.
Good luck! | |
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| Kind of confused... need insight
Posted: 2/25/2009 6:22:26 PM |
I think perhaps, you took the pressure off of the relationship when you accepted her non committal attitude and she is finding it a pleasure to be around you.
I agree, it sounds like she is letting down a wall. Friends do that.
If I were you, Id not bring this up again, Id wait for her to. Wait is not the right word, dont wait for her, get on with things romantically yourself, and be this girls friend. If anything is going to ever happen, it wont while she knows you are waiting for her. Be her friend, but not her daily companion. Have other things going on. On this issue, ball is in her court. | |
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| Kind of confused... need insight
Posted: 2/25/2009 7:36:16 PM | | can you afford to lose a friendship? is being in a dating relationship more important to you? answer those and then figure out what is the best way to handle the situation. maybe she is testing the waters. maybe you aren't interested in waiting to find out. you make that call. either way, i hope something good comes out of all this for you. | |
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| Kind of confused... need insight
Posted: 2/25/2009 8:46:51 PM | | Her words are clear and her actions are being fueled by your assumptions. Do yourself a favor and just go on what she says. | |
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