| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 2/25/2009 8:56:00 AM | I am a decent man I have worked the whole time we were together we have 3 teenage kids that are the world to both of us her parents are way to involved not that she used that as a excuse to divorce but the timing for this whole mess couldn't have come at a worse time I lost my mother and she left me a month after we then divorced
I am still finding it hard to cope with I so ever want my family back together
and I am getting mixed signals from her we have been talking to each other for the kids sake and I find myself talking about how I love her and she is the best thing that ever happened to me I have been on a few dates but its not the same I feel that there is nothing I wouldn't do to get my ex wife back I feel desperate what do I do? | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 2/25/2009 11:35:24 AM | she now has decided to accidentally give me her number
and also her BMW that I bought for her needs repaired
and like I said there isn't anything I wouldn't do to win her back
and when I mentioned that I still love her she says it back
so thinking that I am getting back in touch with the girl I first met
she says that I am stressing her out when I text to much
oh yeah the reason she told me she left was that she needed time to
figure things out clear her head
but she wants me to still help with her car
am I getting played or what? | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 2/25/2009 12:04:50 PM | Umm ..... yeah.
Mine fluttered off after 17 years. BUT .....
Kept coming over and .... you know.
Funny thing when she would leave after the ...... you know - she always seemed to take more things out of the house.
When I ran out of chit she wanted ...... she stopped coming over - imagine that lol.
--------
YES ..... you're getting played. | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 2/25/2009 2:48:09 PM | Do this for yourself. You will need to make yourself attractive whether your wife comes back or not.
First of all, give your wife what she wants. She wants to be away to think? Then say Fine! and give her some much space that she thinks she's an astronaut.
Don't fix her car. Don't help her move. Don't do a damn thing for her. She made her decision to leave so let her stand on her own two feet.
Get your own life together. Go fishing. Go hang out with your buddies. Go to a gym. Do what ever makes you happy.
My point is #1 do not cater to a woman that left you. #2 Get yourself a wonderful life.
P.S. I'm sorry this happened to you. I know it sucks. | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 2/25/2009 3:16:11 PM | I agree with the messenger befor me msg 4
she wants time to clear the muddy water from her mind bygod give her all she wants and then some tell her that midas fixes cars or the bmw dealer does as well do not help her move she has 2 feet to stand on Is sad after 17 yrs that things change. like that
let her go help her go by makin time for urself and doin things she has not let u be able to do for doin her shit.. WASH YA HANDS AND MOVE ON
wildman | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 2/25/2009 3:52:12 PM | From a gal's point of view its still pretty much the same as the guys pointed out. There is something fishy and not at all honest in her dealings with you. Seems like she wants her cake and all that jazz. I know all about the being left portion of the program, after 23 years I was replaced. I know the pain and the suffering that you are going through, hang in there. There is a website called SurvivingInfidelity.com and although you didn't mention an affair this site details a method called "no contact" or "180" where you become absolutely unavailable for the spouse so that they get a real taste of what it's like to be on their own. You would deal with the kids issues only through email and nothing else. It apparently works wonders. Also from what I have read the first 100 days are the worst, when I found that out it helped to know that there was a type of end in sight (even if it wasn't entirely true I didn't care, I had 100 days to check off on my calendar) and it made it bearable. But you have an opportunity to discover who you are again, be kind to yourself, do things that make you happy you might be surprised how it all works out. Take care.  | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 2/25/2009 5:18:12 PM | Take it from someone that left after 20. There was far more going on than you noticed. My marriage dissolved slowly over ten very long years. I talked, I tried to communicate and it went no where. My humble opinion is either she is the biggest BS artist on the planet or you had your head in the sand for a really long time. Few big relationship issues are a total shock.
My Ex even 3 years after the break up swears that one day the world will know the truth about what really happened. WTH? I was working full time, was raising kids and never looked at another man. He changed careers 6 times in 10 years and ran through every nickle we had on finding himself and blamed others for every lousy thing that happened. I'd rather be lonely and struggling, than be with him. What does that tell you? | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 2/25/2009 9:33:45 PM | | I agree! samething happen to me after 18 yrs. of marriage. He wanted to eat his cake & eat too! Found a new girlfriend....had a new baby before we are even divorced!!! I got rid of him & it was the best thing I could of done for myself......he would boo hoo baby.....Oh I still love you crap! Never did anything about it to change his ways...so I feel for you & I'm also sorry this happen to you......it's nice to know your not the only one out there!!! | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 2/25/2009 10:59:46 PM | | Sorry to hear that, I know you will get through it with flying colours. I thought my marriage was fine until she told me one day that she didn't want to be a mother, wife and grandmother anymore, which was all BS. She was seeing someone she worked with while I worked out of town and would come home every other weekend. In fact she told me that she was seeing him even before I went to work out of town. I trusted her explicitly and never in my wildest fantasies thought that she would cheat on me. It tore me to pieces for months. I loved her so much that I even went ahead that Christmas and recorded a CD of Elvis songs at a recording studio, hoping that she would come to her senses and come back to me. Well, it didn't work so I felt like an idiot for even trying. My kids liked it though, lol. I eventually got over her, but there are times when I wish this didn't happen. As the old saying goes, time heals all wounds. I wish you the best of luck. You will eventually find someone that will love you for who you are. | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 2/26/2009 12:05:48 PM | I understand where you are to an extent, I was married for 18 years, all I have ever been or wanted to be was Husband, father, provider, did my duty, saved up for vacations, did every thing right, never strayed, stayed at home weekends with the family, I still love my ex but I am not in love with her anymore, her love affairs were too much for this big hearted country boy to accept, she tried to come back, I was too mad to talk, when I was ready to talk 2 days later she was staying at the dudes house, that was it for me, she still calls and wants this or that fixed, or wants money, what can I say my wife was a whore, and I was a fool, I have 3 kids with her, I cry almost every day, beceause my kids are no longer with me, I gave her my house, yes we are decent people you and me larrou, however we were married to selfesh, self centered, lying, cheating gold diggers, who im my oppinion never truly loved me only settled for me .
it's natural to want your faimily to be back together, you are a good man who will do as duty no matter what,
I would have put myself in harms way to protect my ex, even given my life to save hers, she will never find another man who knows her or loved her like I did.
If you want to get back with your ex, do it, do what ever it takes, just don't comprimise your principals, there are plenty of GOOD women out there our age who are looking for good men like us | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 2/26/2009 2:46:24 PM | Wow, I have to tell you all, I was married at 18 and this year would have been our 19th year...09 that is, We/she split up on easter sunday!!!I left for 2 or so months and in those 2 months i Died inside, Then i was called to see my son graduate, That was a tough day,since i hadnt been in the house or in my childrens lifes for the whole time.
After we got back from the school she and i sat and we looked thru our memory pix.
We both talked and i cryed and she looked at me and said i wanna be alone, I need time, so time i gave her...
Long long story short Less then 1 year later she has moved in the guy that she was (not sleeping with) and it has been a HUGE break down between my entire family!
I have to tell you as im sure you have heard before... IT SUCKS, i still hurt and it will take time, I have nothing Im infact homeless now and lost the 2 jobs that i had.
All you can do as much as your heart dont want to is MOVE ON, what ever that is? only you can figure that out!
Support.... Family and friends cuz in the end thats all you have oh and you #1
Good Luck Bud Remember youre not alone | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 2/27/2009 12:22:43 AM | thank you very much for the reply it does suck and even to this day she denies that there was never another man but I have to call bull shit there is alot to the story way to much to write about 18 years worth
thank you every one for the advice I still am kinda walking around in a daze but its slowly getting better kinda | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 2/27/2009 6:13:13 AM | that kind of sums it up in a nutshell she has only worked in 2 of the 18 years
I guess that she is going through the same thing its just not fair that whenever I try to ask her if there is ever a chance that we can be together again she replies I don't have time for this shit I just want to know and after 3 kids and 18 years she should be honest and not spare my feelings tell me yes or no either way we are divorced and I have my kids and that's about it no family that is worth a crap I guess I am being optimistic
thinking we can be together again | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 2/27/2009 4:19:54 PM | You don't have the right attitude yet. You need to remember that you are a fantastic person deserving a great relationship.
She blew it! | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 2/27/2009 5:51:31 PM | I worked out of the union hall for 8 years and was self employed for 5
we didn't need a lot of things we had everything that a family needs to get along
after this whole mess started I was and still kinda lost but I have decided that we are divorced and I am getting back sorta to the old me I am going back into concrete contracting and your right she blew it
but there is something that inside of me that still wants that girl back I don't know why but I do its kind of like raising a kid for 18 years and telling them were done
Its very hard to accept that
thank you for the responses | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 2/27/2009 6:33:01 PM | It takes time, but it does get better.
Take care of yourself and the kids and let the pain gently fade away.
Best wishes!
Brandie | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 2/28/2009 10:05:41 AM | "WOW" I just happened to stop by and read this forum: I needed to read it because, I am going through the same thing in my Life. " It is hard!" I'm the one who ask for the divorce and I don't feel good about it. Doesn't matter who's the one to blame. We both are in ways. I delt with verbal abuse and alcoholism for the last 8 yrs out of 21. Trying to keep what I thought was a FAMILY together. It's a cycle I've heard. Do I still care for this person Ive lived with, had a family with, YES of course. It's hard to just let go!! I didn't want this and he couldn't help himself. It's sad... just to see what we worked soo hard to have just fall apart. I strugle everyday! It helps to know I'm not the only person who's gone through the same thing, and things will get better. It's like a death in a way...
You know deap down it's got to get better and time heals all wounds. I take it one day at a time and keep my friends close and throw all my energy on my 16 yr old kid. They suffer more than we do. If I focus on someone else it helps.
Keep you chin up and go with your gutt. I've made my decision and now I've got to back it up. Remember: Weak are the first to go....
optomistic | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 2/28/2009 11:36:42 AM | Sorry this happened.
for what its worth...
3 times I got back together with my ex (I loved her so much) It never did work out. After the 3rd time we split up, I never looked back! I only wish I'd done that the 1st time. Needless to say I wasted a lot of years for nothing. We were together about 16+ yrs.
As far as your other question,
I'd say she's playing ya!!
Let her fix her own car/take care of her own business. That's all part of the deal while she gets herself "figured out"
It will get better just hang in there. Surround yourself with good friends. Get out and do the things you enjoy doing. Spend more time with your kids. All these things might help moving forward. | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 2/28/2009 4:30:22 PM | I feel so much for you because this is so hard when someone we are with for so long changes how they are. It leaves you with feelings o hopelessness and low self esteem. It is a terrible feeling, you have no control over it at all and no matter how much you beg, plead, kiss ass and promise you will do whatever they want...it just doesn't work. I could sit here and tell you all about my experiences, but I won't as that is not gonna help you. Only time is going to help you and it will take lots of it. You will get to a point one day where you turn a little cold and say "F it!" and you go on with your life and not let that person keep you back and forth like a yo yo.
I wish you well and my heart goes out to you--these are truely tough times for you! | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 2/28/2009 5:55:05 PM | I hate to tell you, I think is messing with you!!!!!
I was married for 24 years and my Husband had an affair for 5 years I knew about it for 3 years, but believed marriage was forever. I tried and tried to make the marriage work. He played me like a radio, pulled me in and pushed me away over and over. By the time I couldn't take it any more my self confedence was GONE..... He had me convinced that no one would ever want me.
Well He was wrong, I have dated a couple guys and I am having the time of my life....
PLEASE, do it for yourself: GO OUT AND HAVE FUN, YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON!!!  | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 2/28/2009 6:20:37 PM | OP, you want her because wanting her is what you have known for so long!
Step back and look at the two of you and ask yourself, is it real, and for real reasons that you want her, or is it habit? | |
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