| | End game in the selection proccess?Page 1 of 1 | It has come to my attention that many folks in the online dating scene have many 'irons in the fire' at one time, so to speak (which is fine).....& I had a question for those of you who take this approach, concering how to manage that when it comes to the final stages of the selection process between multiple beaus:
How do you deal w/ multiple dates when it comes time to venture into the physical realm?
Do you weed all out but one & then take the next step w/ only him?
Do you have multiple partners & just be honest w/ everybody?
Are there other strategies?
I find this part really strange....it's a bit foreign to me to date more than one woman at a time (tho I'm beginning to see the efficiency aspect) & it just feels WRONG (to me) to contemplate the possibility of being either one of many in a sexual sense...or the opposite.
Now it's occured to me that I should probably be a LOT more specific when I ask "So, are you seeing anybody?". 
Help a rookie out, here!
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| End game in the selection proccess?
Posted: 2/27/2009 7:25:54 AM | Aaw,c'mon "nightwing"...........you've been here for more than 2 years now,so ya must have figured it out by now.....
How do you deal w/ multiple dates when it comes time to venture into the physical realm? .......
Id venture to say that its no different for the women than it is the men........meaning they've slept with none/one/all of them.......
Dont ask the Q would be my advice..........
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| End game in the selection proccess?
Posted: 2/27/2009 7:31:42 AM | Only started dating recently (last 4 months)....Forums only before then.
How would you NOT ask that question if you were looking for an actual relationship...a monogamous relationship?
Thanks fer nothing, Strawbs.  | |
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| End game in the selection proccess?
Posted: 2/27/2009 7:32:07 AM | | I can only speak for myself, but I think you have to have a lot of irons in the fire until you find someone you want to be exclusive with. I don't think going on a couple of dates constitutes exclusiveness, unless it is mutually agreed upon. Honesty is the best policy. I think if you are having sex with someone, they should know whether or not you are exclusive or not. If it is just a booty call, call it that. Once you get to that stage, I would hope that you would already know. I am still a little old fashioned when it comes to that. Not a prude, but not interested in dating the town slut, either. | |
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| End game in the selection proccess?
Posted: 2/27/2009 7:34:26 AM | So do you ask them, Bryce?
"Hey, how serious are you w/ the other guys you 'date'?"
Do you not ask & just assume they ARE sleeping w/ someone...& only worry about it when the two of you are getting close to that? | |
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| End game in the selection proccess?
Posted: 2/27/2009 7:38:24 AM | Men and women strategies are totally different. Most women are looking for "the one". So they think that the moment that you approach them, that you will not approach anyone else. YOU need to make it perfectly clear that until you have the exclusive talk, that you will still pursue other people.
When I was dating I kept it simple. I had one that I was starting or ending to date, one that was kind of a FWB. So that boiled down to a date during the week. I avoided dates on Friday night, since I hung out with my biker friends that night. Then I had another date on a Saturday and then some activity during the day on a sunday, but that usually was more related to athletic dates where we would go for a ride, run, kayaking or hiking. The last girl I dated, felt just so awesome, but I had just finished with my FWB, and instead of wanting to pursue a second one, I just spent more time with this one woman. We had the exclusive talk about 6 months into the relationship and broke the L word about a year. | |
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| End game in the selection proccess?
Posted: 2/27/2009 7:45:01 AM | I assume that by a certain age people have enough experience and intellect to figure some things out about themselves and others. If not, I am probably not dating that person.
Also, by that age, I'm assuming a woman does not assume that if she has sex with a man he is going to marry her or that it means they are going steady or they are exclusive or however you want to term it. Knowing that, as any intelligent woman of a certain age does, if she chooses to have sex without a commitment, then I assume she is good with doing that and it is what makes her happy.
Are we to say that unless we are willing to commit, we shouldn't have sex? What if you commit, then have the sex and it's not that good...are you stuck or can you break it off then? Isn't that disingenuous? I'm not saying I'm an advocate of "test driving", I'm just saying that sex is a major issue of compatibility that one would do well to consider before considering making a commitment. Then, if one makes a commitment, it can be with full knowledge and then doesn't that commitment stand a far better chance of being adhered to?
If a woman is still thinking like a high school girl, well, again, we are probably not dating. I hope not anyway. :) | |
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| End game in the selection proccess?
Posted: 2/27/2009 8:41:33 AM | I think its OK to meet, talk, write to, hang out, date as many as one reasonably has time for, without losing myself or compromising principles in the process. I think it actually helps avoid "getting too serious too quickly" and keep things in perspective.
I have often wondered what wonderful man I might have missed out on while I was focusing on "just one" new friend. Last time, I spent 8 months with a man who convinced me that he was wonderful, loved me, wanted to marry me, and finally all of a sudden wanted me to move to Virginia with him and LEAVE my sons behind and never look back. When I said no, he tried to kill me.
I don't think it ok to full open up sexually unless there is an established feeling of love and trust. I'm dating/talking/getting to know (as friends) 3 or 4 right now... Don't know about one of them, I think I already lost him... I am willing to hold hands, and kiss any of these kind men. When the subject of sex comes up I ask if they would consider a commitment now that we have got to know each other some.That's usually when they disappear into the night.. and I haven't yet had to have the " I'm ready to put the breaks on because I found someone who is a better match" talk, because frankly, they bow out on their own because they don't want my kids in their lives.
Thus, the independence. | |
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| End game in the selection proccess?
Posted: 2/27/2009 9:01:58 AM | Last time, I spent 8 months with a man who convinced me that he was wonderful, loved me, wanted to marry me, and finally all of a sudden wanted me to move to Virginia with him and LEAVE my sons behind and never look back. When I said no, he tried to kill me.
wow.....that is just creepily wrong on so many levels! Yeesh...glad you got out alive.
Maybe I'm overalyzing this....the situations would probably work themselves out naturally. I would absolutely hate to have that 'found somebody else' talk, tho.....almost rather have that said to me, instead.
I'm so old school in some ways that I wouldn't seriously consider sleeeping w/ someone unless she was the 'only one'.......probably why the multiple-dating/making out/etc thing feels weird to me.
It's Brave NewWorld, to be sure.... | |
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| End game in the selection process?
Posted: 2/27/2009 9:18:14 AM | Overwhelmingly, if dating more than one person at all, women tend to screen out all but one and get involved physically with him only. Since it looks like this is your inclination as well, chances are excellent that you'll be on the same page with a woman you're dating. There are exceptions... this is just pretty usual.
This definitely should be discussed before leaping in! And, yeah, IMO, don't worry about it 'til you think the two of you are getting close to that. | |
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| End game in the selection proccess?
Posted: 2/27/2009 9:22:17 AM | I think you should do what feels comfortable to you instead of feeling like you have to go with the norm.......or so called norm. I'm not dating right now, but when I was dating and dating multiple people I wasn't having sex with any of them. For me, sex without a commitment is a no go.
I don't think there's anything wrong with asking. Others might tell you differently but if it's going to bug you not knowing/wondering then you clearly aren't comfortable and why even attempt to establish a relationship you're not comfortable with? When I was dating I had a few people ask me this question and I didn't have any problem answering it. If you end up in a conversation with someone who has a problem with the question than chances are (based on the information and concerns in your post) that this woman is not the type of woman you want to pursue and asking could actually be a good way of showing you that.
Good luck! | |
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| End game in the selection proccess?
Posted: 2/27/2009 7:11:23 PM | I see no reason why we cannot go on dates with multiple men. We are getting to know them. You don't go hunting for a job by just going on one interview. Why would you only meet one man?
By the same token, I (and some may feel differently) do not get physical with more than one man at a time, so if she's fooling around with you, you have a right to know if she is with anyone else. Then at least you can determine if YOU want to continue dating HER | |
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| End game in the selection proccess?
Posted: 2/27/2009 9:37:39 PM | Just keeping your POF page up makes it obvious that theres "irons in the fire" so to speak (or the prospect of).
Far as that end-game talk goes... Its just llike any other "Turns out we're not such a good fit after all, let's be friends" conversation.
Not easy, but necessary, and maybe it turns out to be a good friendship anyway.
Honesty = Great for any situation | |
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| End game in the selection proccess?
Posted: 2/28/2009 5:23:52 PM |
Now it's occured to me that I should probably be a LOT more specific when I ask "So, are you seeing anybody?". Don't ask questions if you don't want to hear a lie
If you have to ask such a question then you probably feel that relationship is not what you wanted it to be. Just date casually, don't get too close....until you know you are the only one.
Regular clue: if the profile is still up and states that she's single - she's still looking for greener grass....very safely to move on | |
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| End game in the selection proccess?
Posted: 2/28/2009 6:07:20 PM | For me, there's "getting to know each other" dating, and there's "getting serious about each other" dating. For the former, I don't find it confusing to be seeing more than one person (it's not a secret), nor am I particularly concerned about who else the other person(s) may be seeing. This is not to say that I'm not paying attention. I am. I'm just not concerned. Sex is not a part of this phase.
Sex comes into the "getting serious about each other" phase, and this, for me, is exclusive (I don't see anyone else).
The transition from phase 1 to phase 2 with one person is a bit tricky. Being open and communicating about that as it happens helps greatly. | |
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| End game in the selection proccess?
Posted: 3/2/2009 5:53:33 AM | "So do you ask them, Bryce?
"Hey, how serious are you w/ the other guys you 'date'?"
Do you not ask & just assume they ARE sleeping w/ someone...& only worry about it when the two of you are getting close to that?"
It takes a while for me to get that close. If and when we get serious enough to sleep together, I would hope that it would be exclusive by then. I am not a prude by any means, just been there and done that. As far as irons in the fire, I was strictly talking about dating. If it gets to the next step, both profiles would be hidden and it would be exclusive. If she isn't willing to do that, it is a deal breaker. This is why I don't worry so much. | |
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