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| Is there THAT many bad people in the world?
Posted: 2/28/2009 4:15:56 PM | | Hi, I am new to this POF place, however have definately had my fair share of dating--both online and "normal" dating. I have been divorced for about 8 years now, I have one child, a great job, a great family, I feel like I have a lot going for me....only thing I lack is that "special someone." I dated a lot for the fun of it after my divorce, then got into a fairly serious relationship, that turned out bad and I did not date for 3 entire years. I took time out to maybe grow a little and refelect on things, try to figure out if I had some problems I needed to sort out....so three years later here I am. This past October I got my feet wet again and joined yahoo personals. I met a guy, we talked a lot on the phone, met in person...he was in awe of me and it just felt right. We dated for about 2 months total and he just lost intrest, I found out that he was actually still married and I had no clue......so I moved on. The second guy I met shortly after, also in Yahoo personals and he swept me off my feet. He just couldn't get enough of me, always calling, texting, making plans....it was really going great, in fact we agreed we would take our profiles down, so we did. One day i notice his behavior change, very distance, stopped calling so much, was too busy to make plans anymore....so I questioned him about it and he became very defensive. I know in my gut something was wrong. I discovered he started dating someone else and had his profile up at about 4 different sites. When I asked him why would he lead me on like this and just not tell me the truth, his answer was "he had a problem and this is what he did to women and he did not wanna hurt me." I was devastated. Twice in a row, but I did not let that get me down. I pressed forward, joined singlesnet and started talking to another guy. We had a lot in common, things seemed good, I was skeptical because of my history, but we met and hit it off. We agreed we were not looking for anyone else...he made it crystal clear to me that I was the only one and he wasn't on dating sites anymore. This was the first man I ever in 8 years let meet my son and my family, that is how great it was going. He was so into me and my life, so interested in me and it felt great. I let my guard down after a little time and it was scary, but I did. Then out of no where he says he got a job offer in another state and it was a chance to be closer to his family. I felt weird, I got that gut feeling again, that bad feeling. Long story short, this man was on MANY dating sites including sex sites like adult friend finder, etc....he was also lying about his divorce, he had just gotten divorced in December of 2008 but told me he divorced long ago--I just found out so many lies that poped up out of no where. So here I am again, not trying to have a pity party but just trying to hold onto the hope that there are still good people in this world. I don't know if that is how the internet just is, so many cons, or is that just the real world? Three in a row is not very good odds. You would think out of the three that at least one of them would not have been a con man, right? I have faith that my luck will change one day, I know I am a good person and have so much to offer and I just try and take this in stride and learn from it....it is just so very hard. Not sure how much more the ol' heart can take! | |
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| Is there THAT many bad people in the world?
Posted: 2/28/2009 4:54:11 PM | Yes, they justify it ... nothing more.
Definitions of justification on the Web:the act of defending or explaining or making excuses for by reasoning;
It's not cheating because ... this that and the other.
It's not bad because this that and this.... nothing more than excuses, and a "so called" friend will look past it.
It's smooth saying and twisting of words... the actions displayed is the truth.
I good tree will not produce rotten fruit.
Nor will the fire burn if there is no wood on it. If there is problem it's because wood is being placed on the fire.
It's wrong when it hurts someone or themselves. Even if two agree in some cases it can be wrong. I am not going to get into the inner workings of it.
Do you notice the decline in morals? They say I am old fashioned... is that what it is...
Do you notice the increase of divorce, std's, broken families , keep going with this....
Sometimes because something "feels" right doesn't make it right. The broken hearts is proof of this. | |
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| Is there THAT many bad people in the world?
Posted: 2/28/2009 5:07:31 PM | You repeat the same patterns:
1. he was in awe of me and it just felt right + I found out that he was actually still married
2. The second guy... swept me off my feet + he started dating someone else and had his profile up at about 4 different sites.
3. we met and hit it off... He was so into me and my life, so interested in me and it felt great.+ this man was on MANY dating sites including sex sites
You seem to meet these men, fall hook, line and sinker, and allow yourself to be "swept away" by what smart women would consider huge red flags. You're hoping your "luck" will change but it's really about you wanting to believe in some fantasy and skip the part about getting to know someone. All three men came on too strongly and you ate it up.
The problem isn't the men you meet, it's how you react to them. | |
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| Is there THAT many bad people in the world?
Posted: 2/28/2009 5:37:18 PM | What Landra wrote was exactly what I was going to say.
It’s an obvious pattern yet somehow you’re not seeing it.
And the only thing I would add to help crystallize it for you is that all three of these whirlwind romances have occurred in 4 months?!
Three “swept me off my feet, felt right, so into me” in 4 months? Think about the timeline there for a minute. That’s roughly a new guy that you fell for every five weeks.
Yes, there are some “bad” people in the world, OP, but I’m sorry to say this the real problem here seems to be with you. The first few months of dating someone is when you should be getting to know them. If you’re falling for the bullsh!t lines and sweet talk right off the bat, then yes, there’s a very good chance you’re going to be left scraping your heart off the ground and scratching your head, wondering what the hell happened.
If somebody comes on too strong right out of the gate, it IS a red flag because it usually means they have an agenda.
There are two other threads you should take a look at and maybe it will help you gain some perspective about how you approach dating:
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts11893750.aspx
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts11854690.aspx | |
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| Is there THAT many bad people in the world?
Posted: 2/28/2009 5:51:50 PM | I've been thinking about this same behavior that seems so common these days and here's what I think is going on. The interned makes it easy with few consequences if any. The environment for taking advantage is here.
I see these types of people as emotionally shallow and irresponsible. They are so into the newness of relationships that's all they are in it for.
This seems to be very common these days and there is always another woman around the corner that will fall for it. I've seen women do it to men too and laugh about it so it's not just a man's game. It's all an ego trip. Reel someone in then dump them.
It's a shame, but most of all, these men are emotionally dishonest. You've been lulled into a false sense of security then ripped off. That's a con and a violation of someones trust.
You shouldn't be acting like you are really into someone when you ARE NOT. They do it so you will sleep with them and give them your heart and then the conquest is over and they are done with you.
I see this as a gross violation of someone - it's a con job from start to finish and it's your emotional guard and trust that is the real prize . It used to be some men got off on rape, the conquest of someone physically, but now that you can go to jail for that crime, emotional conquest is the new game. It's the same thing - conquest - but a different way of going about it. They still get your body but they get your trust too. That's pretty close to what child molesters are after as well. The power over someone.
It's a way of stealing someones trust and spirit but all I can say is don't let it make you so skeptical in the future that you can't let a good guy near you because of lack of trust. That is the damage this does to people but you will hone your senses until you see these guys coming a mile off so don't worry.
In answer to your question, yes, there really are that many bad people in the world and when the victim is blamed it just encourages them to think they are doing nothing wrong...there will be lots of people who try to make you take on blame. Please think about that carefully. That's like date rape victims being told it's their fault for being alone with a strange guy. | |
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| Is there THAT many bad people in the world?
Posted: 2/28/2009 6:08:05 PM | I thank all of you for what you say--both negative and positive.
I can see what you mean about my pattern and have thought about it a lot. I can not help that I am a kind hearted person, I take every one at face value and want to believe people are good. I guess because I am good, I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. If you want to call it "falling for mens lines" then we can call it that, I am not sure what other way to take it. I can not just assume every man is bad that wants to tell me nice things like this, I can't assume he is lying when he makes the relationship move forward and gets a little more serious.....I guess what I can do is not fall for it so quickly and just pace myself in the future no matter how fast they are trying to move things. I don't think it is very fair that a man can walk into a womans life and sweep her off her feet and make her think he is really into her and feeds on her emotions and weaknesses and then he can leave in a whirlwind and I am expected to accept that it is ALL my fault because I "fall" too quick and hard.....I can take some of the blame and say yes I should be more careful, but most of the blame needs to be on these terrible men that are nothing other than con artists targeting good people. | |
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| Is there THAT many bad people in the world?
Posted: 2/28/2009 6:17:13 PM |
It is so offensive to see people blaming victims. What we need is awareness and support not blame.
Yes, awareness that there are people out there who try to pull this crap. But then when does it become our own responsibility to recognize this and to conduct ourselves accordingly?
You touch a hot pan on the stove and burn yourself.
You learn not to touch a hot pan on the stove so you don’t burn yourself again.
Or, you keep touching the hot pan on the stove, you keep burning yourself, and each time you blame the hot pan on the stove for giving you burns.
It’s not a matter of becoming skeptical or jaded or cynical, it’s about using common sense and making better choices.
And I’ll say it again for the 900th time in these forums, it’s also about understanding that you CAN’T really know somebody in such a short amount of time. You just CAN’T. People can and will say and be whatever they want to be, and this is especially prevalent in on-line dating. If you’re going to believe that somebody is deeply in love with you and only has your best interest in heart after a few short weeks, and you make the decision to “commit” to them based solely on what they tell you without taking the time to know what type of person they really are, then you’re living in fantasy land and chances are, you’re going to get hurt.
And to even compare this to blaming a victim of rape is ludicrous. The OP didn’t mention anything in her post that these men held a knife to her throat and forced her into falling for them. They came on strong way too fast and she chose to believe what they told her after only knowing them a short time. And not once, but three times. | |
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| Is there THAT many bad people in the world?
Posted: 2/28/2009 6:26:07 PM |
it’s also about understanding that you CAN’T really know somebody in such a short amount of time. You just CAN’T. People can and will say and be whatever they want to be, and this is especially prevalent in on-line dating. If you’re going to believe that somebody is deeply in love with you and only has your best interest in heart after a few short weeks, and you make the decision to “commit” to them based solely on what they tell you without taking the time to know what type of person they really are, then you’re living in fantasy land and chances are, you’re going to get hurt.
You are absolutely right and I thank you for saying that.
I obviously have some issues to work out and I realize that relationships need to move slow and grow at a pace. What I have to do is recognize these signs or red flags....if someone wants something to move so terribly fast, there is something wrong. That is not natural and you are right--it is a COMPLETE fantasy land for me obviously. | |
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| Is there THAT many bad people in the world?
Posted: 2/28/2009 6:37:02 PM |
I can not help that I am a kind hearted person, I take every one at face value and want to believe people are good. I guess because I am good, I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I'm sorry but this sounds like a cop-out. You're a 33 year old woman. You need to stop playing the "nice little girl" role and take responsibility for your choices. You can't say "I'm kindhearted, therefore I and free from using any good judgment or discernment." You cant' say "I'm a good person" to absolve yourself of the adult responsibility of having acumen, astuteness, clear-sightedness, discrimination, etc.
I'm a good person. I'm kind hearted. But I wouldn't blame a man when allowing myself to be a victim, under the guise of being "good". It's your responsibility to distinguish con men from decent men-- not cry about how unfair it is.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but "most of the blame" (as you say) about whom you allow into your life is wholly up to you. | |
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| Is there THAT many bad people in the world?
Posted: 2/28/2009 7:04:42 PM | and as I JUST said in my last post, I am seeing a lot of this is on me and I obviously have a lot of things to work on that I did not see before.
I am not "playing nice" it is just how I am, how I was raised and brought up...... | |
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| Is there THAT many bad people in the world?
Posted: 2/28/2009 8:35:59 PM | | You sound a lot like my mom so when i'm reading this, i'm seeing her. Just remember that you can still be a kind-hearted and good person without letting someone run over you. It's ok to say no. While there are many, many great and wonderful men, there are also the crappy ones. The crappy ones can spot a "kind hearted" woman a mile away...so definitely be careful and really work on stop taking everyone at face value. That can be a dangerous mindset. | |
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| Is there THAT many bad people in the world?
Posted: 2/28/2009 8:37:12 PM | It's not about physical force. It's about conquest one way or another - in this case by being emotionally disingenuous - and that is where the comparison comes in. The purpose is the same. To take advantage of someone vulnerable, to have control over them and rip them off.
In the OP's case, she simply does not understand the game because it's not in her to be the way these guys are ...
It's easy to understand that a hot fire burns you. It's a LOT HARDER to understand emotional con artists. There is no comparison. | |
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| Is there THAT many bad people in the world?
Posted: 3/1/2009 2:23:21 AM | | I agree with forumologists' analysis on this one. There are a lot of shitty people in the world who get off on this, its a harsh reality that people often dont grow out the kinds of cruel shitty behaviour that was supposed to be left behind when you got out of highschool. All you can do now is grow some teeth and some watchfull eyes and protect yourself from the patterns you observed through your experiences. There is always a risk that you can be shafted when you open your heart but you can gather some risk assessment tools to minimise it, cause you dont want to get too jaded and give up altogether. good luck. | |
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| Is there THAT many bad people in the world?
Posted: 3/1/2009 5:39:43 AM | Personally, I think alot of this incures because most women thinkrelationships are about them, and also think sex is their gift to a man. Both thoughts are totaly wrong. I think though that if you guard whats under ypour cloths physically as a treasure without fail people react to that and many these days see that as a conquest and thats what you become. Women can't talk openly in most cases either, and I guess that that may be due to being hurt in the past.However, just as you want to be treated as an individual no guy wants to be put into the mold of a past failed relationship either just like you wouldn't like that either.
All in all the the problem I think is really two fold and very simple. you eneter relationships with reservations and when you have that you'll subconsciously find a way to make them fail.Also men and women just need to talk openly heart to heart to one another without all this other distraction goping on and they need not to hold back but be honest with one another.No games is the key, but how can you talk heart to heart or openly even when it is all ab out you [man or woman] when entering a relationship.Would like to meet one lady who knows her own heart and could do so here. Have found two friends that can but once entering into a relationship of love I think most loose that also. A shame really | |
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| Is there THAT many bad people in the world?
Posted: 3/1/2009 5:46:28 AM | Personally, I think alot of this incures because most women think relationships are about them, and also think sex is their gift to a man. Both thoughts are totaly wrong. I think though that if you guard whats under your cloths physically as a treasure without fail people react to that and many these days see that as a conquest and thats what you become. Women can't talk openly in most cases either, and I guess that that may be due to being hurt in the past.However, just as you want to be treated as an individual no guy wants to be put into the mold of a past failed relationship either just like you wouldn't like that either.
All in all the the problem I think is really two fold and very simple. you eneter relationships with reservations and when you have that you'll subconsciously find a way to make them fail.Also men and women just need to talk openly heart to heart to one another without all this other distraction going on and they need not to hold back but be honest with one another.No games is the key, but how can you talk heart to heart or openly even , when it is all about you [man or woman] when entering a relationship.Would like to meet one lady who knows her own heart and could do so here. Have found two friends that can but once entering into a relationship of love I think most loose that also. A shame really and the fact is we are all [men and women] so concerned about being used sexually that we can't begin a personal relationship without making that the main goal or guard we have | |
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| Is there THAT many bad people in the world?
Posted: 3/1/2009 6:17:43 AM | I have to agree with a lot of what Landra has written here. The recurring element in all of this is you. You seem to get attached very quickly, I know I have been there. As convenient as it is to blame the men, the truth is you are letting them into your life. Further, we are only hearing your side of the story, so there could be elements in your own behavior that may be driving some prefectly nice men away.
While it sounds as if I am picking on you, I am not because as someone who used to have this problem, I would suggest to you that maybe you should stop dating on-line for a while. That's right, stop. What helped me was to get off line and to get into real life, develop some of my own interests and fill my life in other ways than dating. I am traveling more and have taken up photography as a serious hobby and getting involved with search and rescue work and you know I have met some really nice men along the way in real life who share my interests. While I don't think this is completely the answer to your problem, I think it might make you a little more savvy and it will make you feel more fulfilled when it comes to relationships. The fuller your life is, the more fulfilled you will be and when you are fulfilled with in yourself all of those clingy and needy elements in your personality will melt away. Work on you. | |
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| Is there THAT many bad people in the world?
Posted: 3/1/2009 6:23:06 AM | | First of all I would like to clear up here real quick that none of this was about sex or had to do with sex at all. This whole entire thing was about me being single for many years and not "pacing" myself in relationships like I should have....and when I say "pace" I mean allowing these men to want to spend every waking moment w/me, allowing them to practically smother me with their "care and concern" all the while I should have known a human can not care for someone this quickly. This takes time. I think one of the reasons I allowed this is maybe out of desperation as hard as that is to admit. Men showed what I thought was care for me (and yes a few even claimed they loved me) and I took that to heart way too fast. I should have seen the signs. I allowed these men to make me think they were very serious about me in a very very short time frame. This is also not about me thinking the relationship is about ME. That has nthing to do with it. This is about me not using good judgement when it comes to men. | |
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| Is there THAT many bad people in the world?
Posted: 3/1/2009 6:30:19 AM | Smart Lass--
I am seeing this now just reading certain peoples posts. It is one of the reasons I posted this, sometimes it takes people you do not even know because their opinions are real and true, because they have no sort of attachments to me. Such as me talking to a good friend would more than likely want to tell me it is the men and not me. So it is good that I can see now that a lot of this is me. It is hard to take in, but I get it. I see the pattern. I do not take it as any of you are picking on me, you are all just being honest and I appreciate that.
You are right, obviously I do get attached very quickly and had not noticed that (I know that sounds stupid) but really I was so focused on it was these men, not me. I see now, yes, these men were wrong to lead me on like this and come into my life like they cared when they did not, however I see now I am mostly in the wrong and have to take action and slow down in the future, and make them slow down. I see now that if that ends up scaring them away, then they were not in it for the right reasons. A man that is into me for the right reasons will me patient and respect that.
I am seeing a lot about me just reading these things and I thank you all for your honesty...... | |
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| Is there THAT many bad people in the world?
Posted: 3/1/2009 10:15:43 AM | Ann -
First off you sound like a smart gal - good for you for listening to what is being said here and not getting defensive... And based on what you said on your last post you are able to see that you do have a pattern of getting caught up in the early throws of a courtship, I think we all want to hear that we are beautiful, they are falling in love with us, etc. but it is "when" these things are being said - if you are hearing this two weeks of dating someone, then it may be too soon.
No, I don't think there are that many bad people in the world, I think most are good people trying to find someone they connect with.
Take a little break from dating and give yourself an "evaluation" when you get back out there again if you find that you are going from the first date to making wedding plans by the end of the month, time to see if you are returning to the routine that is not producing results | |
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| Is there THAT many bad people in the world?
Posted: 3/2/2009 4:18:23 PM | It would of been easier to read, if you used paragraphs....but I did read all of it.
We dated for about 2 months total and he just lost intrest, Maybe it takes a little bit of time, to discover...."who the jerk really is!"  they can only hide their spots for a short time
before as yu stated,
I know in my gut something was wrong ....Your gut is your higher self, telling you something/s but are you listening?
1st guy:
met in person...he was in awe of me and it just felt right.
2nd guy:
he swept me off my feet. He just couldn't get enough of me, always calling, texting, making plans....it was really going great
3rd guy:
He was so into me and my life, so interested in me and it felt great
So you see any common themes with these 3 guys & how they immediately come into your life & make you feel sooooo good? They are called: PLAYERS, WOMANIZERS, & are very good at what they do!! CON Women!
How do you know, HE"S one: the answer is below (the silent voice calling you, from deep inside yourself):
I got that gut feeling again, that bad feeling. 
Some of us, have been there as well, so I don't see this as an isolated case, but LEARN to Listen to what your gut is telling you! I'll take my own advice as well, ok... Good Luck!  | |
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| Is there THAT many bad people in the world?
Posted: 3/2/2009 4:47:10 PM | Dont kno who u r and im jus browsing ,i must say u hav got yr perceptors on,lov the info u hav written and yes agree.
So many of us ask questions we hav the answer for but jus dont hav an understanding,always remind myself hurting ppl hurt ppl,and insanity is doin the same thing over n over again and expecting a different result,so yup lov ya work.
Regards
BJ.....
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| Is there THAT many bad people in the world?
Posted: 3/2/2009 5:18:08 PM | | annoo76 I don't think you should feel bad about anything. When you are a good, decent, caring, trusting person, who wears their heart on their sleeve that is nothing to be ashamed of. I am in my 50's, was married for 28 years, have a university education, and a very high profile career but I find myself in the same place over and over. When we meet a nice, attractive man that likes us and we ask all the right questions we anticipate that eventually one of them will be a sincere person that we can count on. Of course you can't know someone in a month, and of course building a relationship takes time, but I am like you and think I can believe what someone tells me. We can't go into a relationship expecting that the person is telling us lies. I don't agree that is living in a fantasy land. I think it is living life with a positive attitude and having some faith in people. Yes, when you're willing to trust someone wholeheartedly you can get hurt but if you don't take that chance I think you are robbing yourself of the fun and excitement of getting to know someone. So don't give up hope!!! I just ended it with a new boyfriend last night so as soon as my heart mends I'll be back....... | |
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| Is there THAT many bad people in the world?
Posted: 3/2/2009 6:34:43 PM | Ann, I would suggest that your next date be with someone you already know or through a friend and at least you can be reasonably sure that he is not married!!!
You really need some barriers up in the beginning....as much as I hate to say that.
(I happen to like the open, honest type of woman.) | |
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