| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/1/2009 1:12:47 PM | I just found out that my ex-girlfriend is 7 1/2 months pregnant, after telling me 6 months ago that she was having an abortion and that there was nothing I could say or do about it.
Now I am at a loss for words and don't know what to do?
HERE IS A LITTLE BACKGROUND INFORMATION TO GIVE YOU A BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF THE SITUATION.
Last year my ex-girlfriend and I agreed that we were both ready to settle down and start a family. So we went to the doctors to make sure that all was in order with both of us. We started folic acid and prenatal vitamins.
For several months we had so much fun trying different methods recommended to increase our chance of success.
One morning last September, I woke up to find her one the computer looking up information on abortions. When I asked her what was going on, she informed me that she had found out the previous day that she was pregnant, but had already made up her mind and was having an abortion. When I asked what was going on, she informed me that she had already made her decision and that there would be no discussion and that I do not get a say in the matter. She then informed me that she would be moving back in with her parents. Later that week, she did just that and that was the end of our relationship and unfortunately it seems our friendship as well.
Since then, I have tried to open up the line of communication but have had no success.
Last month, I found out that there was a possibility that she was still pregnant and did not have the abortion as she had stated she was having without my having any input.
Since finding this all out, I have done some investigating and as of yesterday, it is 100% confirmed that she is 7 1/2 months pregnant. She is having a boy, and has a name already picked out.
Now she does not know that I am aware of that fact that she is pregnant, nor does she know that I have a copy of the ultrasound. She has made no attempt to let me know that she is having our child.
Now my dilemma is the fact that unlike many other men in my position, there is nothing more that I want than to be involved in my child's life. I want to be both a father as well as a dad. My ex and I both made this decision and I stand by my actions.
I grew up without both a father and dad, and know the struggles and questions that come along that. I never had a role model to look up to, but I do know that there is no way that I will ever be a deadbeat that abandon his responsibilities.
So what do I do now? How do I get involved with my child when my ex has not talked to or said anything to me about any of this? Do I tell her that I know, or do I go through the legal system? I want to be civil with my ex, and would love nothing more than to be friends, but would the legal system route ruin that? Where to start and what to do? | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/1/2009 1:18:49 PM | Wow....sounds harsh but the only reason I can think of is that she was most likely messing around & the baby is NOT yours....why else would you be planning on having a child together & then once she actually gets preggo she up & leaves you? Can't think of any other possible explanation
I'd be demanding a paternity test as soon as possible & then if the results show the baby is yours & you're serious about being a dad to it then fight fight fight for your rights!! | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/1/2009 1:25:06 PM | | I have thought long and hard about that one. I am 99.9 % postiive that cheating is something that she would not have done. I had to take in to consideration the fact that we have known one another for over twelve years. With as in Love as we were that is something I just do not think is possible. But I do understand where that concern comes from. | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/1/2009 1:29:47 PM |
Do I tell her that I know, or do I go through the legal system?
Both. Tell her that you know. Let her know that your willing to be civil about this and that you want to be a part of your sons life. If she refuses and wants to shut you out, then you get a lawyer. If your serious about being a part of your sons life, then she shouldn't keep you away, if it takes a judge, then that's what you do.
For all the women who complain that men run from thier kids and thier responsibility as fathers, it's a crying shame that a man who wants more than anything to be a father to his child, is being kept away by the mom. Tsk, tsk. | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/1/2009 1:48:35 PM | | Trust, belief, faith... I'd still get that paternity test done via the legal system and start talking to a lawyer about fighting to have visitation rights to the child, or full custody given the mothers unstable mental state? (You could argue that one if you really wanted to, it's your choice and option). From what you've stated so far, those would be at a minimum preparation for what might be possible. Once you know your prepared, then I would let her know either in person or via a good mutual friend if you cannot talk to her personally. Perhaps she will be more willing to talk to you about it once she knows that you know whats up. | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/1/2009 1:51:21 PM | Thanks hooked & happy.
I have already obtained a lawyer and sought out legal advice, it just seems that this route is extreemly harsh. But I do need and will do WHATEVER it takes to be actively involved in my sons life. | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/1/2009 2:05:26 PM |
Do I tell her that I know,
Yes? I don't know what you stand to gain from keeping it a secret...she's going to know you know when she gets served.
Having a lawyer on hand can't hurt, but working out a parenting plan with your ex can do a lot to help. If she's on board with keeping you active in your son's life, your're likely to come up with a much more generous compromise than the courts will. If she's not interested, then battle it out in court. Do whatever it takes! Just know that your son will ultimately be better off if you and your ex can work together, instead of against one another. | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/1/2009 2:09:33 PM | You have a copy of her ultrasound? Your lawyer must be REALLY good to bypass every privacy law imaginable.
Hard to believe you planned a pregnancy to that extent at 25. Not many people in their 20's are that concerned about genetic issues or actually being able to get pregnant. Pre pregnancy Dr visits, Prenatal vitamins, pre marriage and then an abortion announcement the very next day you find out you are pregnant sounds fishy at best.
I'd say she either cheated and knew she was pregnant from day one or you are completely full of sh1t. Legal route? You need a paternity test and court ordered visitation if this is true. | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/1/2009 2:14:12 PM | My only worry with telling her now that I know is the fact that until our son is born I have absolutely no rights. Until a paternity test can be administered. So if she really does not want me to be involved, that would give her time to do many things like skip town and go back to England where she has extended family.
But then again, telling her now and letting her know that I want to be involved, could mean that I can be there for the birth which is something that I definitely love. | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/1/2009 2:22:15 PM | Carolann,
Both my ex and I grew up much faster than most. I was living on my own and taking care of myself at the age of fifteen. Similar situation with my ex.
With regards to planning the pregnancy, we had to take in to consideration past experiences. My ex did miscarry in the past, and she does have a heart condition that we had to consider. As for myself, being that I raised myself growing up, there is not a whole lot of family history that was available to me, so I just wanted to be on the safe side.
But again I do understand where you are coming from considering you don't know every little detail of every moment of our relationship and friendship. | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/1/2009 3:16:42 PM |
I am 99.9 % postiive that cheating is something that she would not have done.
How positive were you, when you guys were planning for a baby, that you think she'd want an abortion?
How positive were you, when the whole baby-making process was going on, that she'd freak out, want an abortion and leave you all in one chain-of-events?
If she did love you, her cheating would be a reason why she'd bail and not tell you at all about the baby. Especially if you were working towards getting one after many failed attempts and her biological clock ticking, she could have let another porksword tickle her elmo. | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/1/2009 3:16:43 PM | I'm at a loss as to why both of you wanted a pregnancy, then she supposedly didn't want to without giving you reason. Then you found out she is pregnant. It could be she just used you as a sperm donor and took off.how did you get a copy of her ultrasound wihtout her knowing?
I wouldn't tell her til she's near due date, I would just give her court orders after she has baby which usualy require temporary order that she can't move til court case is settled. I'd also do a paternity test rather than put yourself on the birth certificate. you may think you know her, but you never know. If you tell her know, she may move , then you're SOL | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/1/2009 3:40:13 PM | Last year my ex-girlfriend and I agreed that we were both ready to settle down and start a family. So we went to the doctors to make sure that all was in order with both of us. We started folic acid and prenatal vitamins...For several months we had so much fun trying different methods recommended to increase our chance of success.
When you went to all that trouble, you should have also gone to the trouble of getting married. Then you would have rights to your own children.
Who gave you a copy of the ultrasound and told you she's pregnant? That sounds illegal.
Ahhh, never mind, I don't want to know. | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/1/2009 4:40:54 PM | | Being married doesn't mean you get rights as a parent. As long as it's on the birth certificate or paternity is established, then he would have rights. But then again in some states, if someone had an affair within amarriage, the husband would be proclaimed the father. | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/1/2009 4:54:01 PM | Ah, no biggie.... it's just a classic example of how men don't have the same reproductive rights as do women.
Get the paternity test. Do what you feel is right and what you are legally required to do. The ball is in her court and will remain there for the remainder of.....
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/1/2009 4:59:31 PM | I can't even imagine why someone would behave that way unless the baby wasn't yours or she just wanted a sperm donor, either way, kind of nasty way to treat someone.
If I were in your shoes then I would definately let her know that you are aware she is pregnant and try to talk things out with you. Perhaps the six months apart has given her an opportunity to think through things and she may be willing to give you an explanation.
Good luck and I'm truly sorry you are in this position. | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/1/2009 5:50:06 PM | I wish you luck ,...a lot of it, especially when she finds out you managed to get a copy of her ultrasound.
You'll need a good lawyer as will the person who gave you that PRIVATE info. | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/1/2009 6:55:44 PM | | Rest assured that I will be seeking a paternity immediately upon the birth of the baby. This is a no brainer. | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/1/2009 7:33:50 PM | there's a lot missing here. if not just from your side, from her side to you as well.
you state that you know her because of 12-years and living together and so on. yet she up and made the (faux) decision for the abortion completely opposite to what you both were planning up until then.
AND then essentially left you immediately afterwards. AND has made it a point NOT to contact you or have you involved with the pregnancy. and possibly MOST important, cut you out of her life and friendship for the past 6-months.
i tend to suspect/agree with the fooling around possibility, or another donor, or something that's simply not said here or by her.
if it's yours and you want to be a part of its life, then fight. it simply the shoe's on the other foot scenario. you have just as much parental rights. but i would try to settle things/figure out the original 'problem' with your ex first. that whole scenario just sounds completely off imo. good luck! | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/1/2009 7:40:59 PM | I'm amazed it took 17 hours (Msg #18) before someone bashed the guy. How do you know he didn't get the ultrasound from someone that isn't obligated to patient privacy rights, such as another family member? The only thing this fellow needs a good lawyer for is to be able to have the rights he deserves with a child that is 50% his. That's all I'll add to the instigation of a mean hearted woman who makes assumptions.
I wish you lots of luck shorty! | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/1/2009 7:54:32 PM | OP,
Have you thought about writing a letter to her and talking to her parents to find out what really happened? If you have been knowing each other for so many years, and have been best friends like this for so long, and suddenly what you described happens... it seems obvious to me there are things you don't know.
Something happened - it could be a cheating, it could be a disease, a diagnosis of serious a health problem, something she found out about you... ? You need to find out what really happened. Perhaps, since she won't talk to you, you could write a letter. Explain how you feel, tell her even if she cheated you already forgive her in advance - that all you want at this point is to understand what happened, what SHE lived, and why. A conversation with her parents might help.
Going to legal way IS important, at least as far as getting a paternity test. But if you can get her to communicate to you, if you can open the door large and enough and make her feel secure enough to tell you what happened, you might come to a solution faster than with the legal path.
Good luck! | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/1/2009 7:55:53 PM | Thanks Yaotzen,
To everyone who keeps bringing up the ultrasound, I can assure you that it was obtained without breaking ANY laws what so ever.
It was in a similar manner suggested by Yaotzen, just not exactly as suggested.
There is no legal ramifications in which I or anyone for that matter would have to face.
I just make it a habit to have all my bases covered before exposing myself.
I guess that would be what I have learned over the years as well as the time I put into the Security Sector as well as Private Investigations. | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/1/2009 8:23:36 PM | You are entitled to YOUR ASSumptions Yaotzen,.... no where did I slam the OP. I wished him luck... YOU are the one who chose to find it scathing or sarcastic. The legal ysystem can be an ugly place to play is all I was inferring and one should be well prepared.
You are correct... I DIDN'T KNOW exactly where he got the info ( until the OP mentioned in the above post) HOWEVER, IF the mother of this child ( see I am not even ASSuming that this child IS his... no assuming here.... like others who are suggesting this child may not even be his) really wants nothing to do with him ( as he appears to be indicating through how he spells out her actions) she MAY be mighty choked he knows. It is amazing how people can twist the truth when threatened.
I thank you for your limited assessment of my personality.
I still wish him well and LOTS of luck.
BTW I wasn't the first person who mentioned privacy acts and lawyers. | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/1/2009 8:32:34 PM | It's very commendable!
She may be planning on giving the child up for adoption. That being why you have not been told, especially if you had a very good/strong relationship before then.
She may not be ready to be a parent, much less married, which is how she came to this point. Rather than aborting the baby, which I would applaud regardless, she may have decided to give the baby to a loving home with a complete family. God knows there are many deserving couples wanting the opportunity.
This is a very difficult situation.
I suppose another tough question is, are you sure it's yours? Are you prepared for that answer as well? Are you really prepared to be a full time father? Personal experience, it's a ton of work and you will give up a lot of everything.
Women will look at you like "you're just looking for a mom to take care of your kid". Promise you.
Regardless. It doesn't necessarily start with a conversation with her and her family. You need to know the facts to know what your choices you have. We can assume all day long here. The best direction I can give is don't talk about it to anyone anymore.
You should retain an attorney to help you deal with the matter and make "unemotional" decisions. This will also give you time to think about what it is you really want. The child will be born whether you are present or not.
Assuming you're the father, you have parental rights that she can't withhold from you just because you don't know about the baby.
An attorney most likely will tell you to "sit quite" if you want custody of the child and wait for her actions. If she tries to give the child up for adoption and represents on the b-certificate the father as being unknown, etc. you could potentially retain, under judges order, full custody given the scenario you described. At worst, she keeps the baby still not planning on telling you. You are entitled to visitation and everything that entails.
It's a very tough situation.
Good Luck | |
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