| Should I expect a "thank you" after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 5:15:28 AM | Just a quick question here--most of the young women I have taken on a date rarely say "thank you" for anything I purchased them. I try not to create dates that involve a lot of buying things, but sometimes it is unavoidable. I don't have an issue with paying--it just seems a bit impolite for her to not say "thank you." I don't expect worship or sex; just two simple words.
My circumstances have meant that I've mainly dated girls from a wealthier background; perhaps this has something to do with it?
Should I be annoyed by this? Is there some aspect of dating/female psychology that I'm missing that would explain this as not being impolite?
Thanks much, I really would like others' opinions on this. | |
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| Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 5:20:00 AM | | just goes to show money doesnt buy taste or good manners. yes i think its always polite and respectful to say thankyou even if it was just for the pleasant evening. You cant expect it but if its something you would do or would teach your kids to do then its something to look for in a prospective partner. jmo | |
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| Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 5:24:01 AM | Normally yes I would think a quick "thanks you" would be appropriate on a first date. When your dating regularly they may just forget. But then again they should also be offering to pay once in a while also.
If you dont get a thank you on a first date then perhaps you should consider dating a higher class of women. And I dont mean ones that are wealthier.
Class and manners have nothing to do with coming from wealthy backgrounds.
Cowboy | |
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| Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 5:52:24 AM |
Is there some aspect of dating/female psychology that I'm missing that would explain this as not being impolite?
Please don't try to make this about women or female psychology; it just makes the issue seem less credible, and I think it is actually one worth discussing.
I could cite one example after another of bad manners from both sexes, including a few of the young men/women my own children have brought home for dinner who never said thank you for meals I spent hours on between preparation and clean up.
I've also noticed an appalling lack of manners among adults in my own age range, and not just from those in the lower social classes; in fact, it may happen more often on the other end of the scale.
As far as whether you are annoyed by this, that's for you to decide, but it appears that you are since it bothered you enough to bring it up for discussion. I am not so much annoyed when I encounter bad manners as I am turned off; this is a really big issue for me, one that definitely weighs heavily in my overall perception of a person - male or female.
If it were me, I would chalk it up to experience and consider it a great filter - a person who shows such a lack of basic good manners the first time is not someone I'd consider going out with again.
Good luck with your search. | |
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| Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 6:15:42 AM | | I think a lot is about how people have been raised. If they've never been taught to say thank you, then they won't say it. Personally, I try to always remember to say thank you and if I can't remember if I said it, later in the evening/day, I will say something like, "If I forgot to thank you earlier..." It is just proper manners. | |
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| Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 6:21:47 AM | I agree with Cowboy ...
I know both rich and poor gal's..
Some of the poor gals have more class than some of the rich one's..
Some of the rich women will not allow me to pay for anything and will thank me for any little thing I do for them.
Some of the poorer gals will offer to clean my house and cook anything I want just to say thanks for any kindness I have shown them.. | |
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| Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 6:34:51 AM |
Thankfully I always pay my own way so this,"you owe me something" ,type of mentality never can come up.
You missed the OP's point. It was not a matter of them owing him anything. It was a matter of common courtesy and manners. Simply put it someone buys you something or extends you a courtesy you do owe them a thank you. It is just good manners and common courtesy to do so. | |
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| Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 6:45:32 AM | NIck,
I am old fashioned in the way that I love to go out to dinner, so I had a lot of dates that were drinks and dinner. But I didn't make it a habit of ME paying. Even mention in a funny note that well, "she can pick up the drinks." What happens when women take what you do for granted, is that they learn to use you, instead of appreciate. I made it very clear when we talked. I even said it in a funny way that I was not buying them dinner to get them in the sack but because I loved that restaurant and wanted to share the experience. Then they offered to pay for something, of even felt obliged to do something themselves, like cooking for me, or picking the next place. And don't be afraid of ASKING a woman this "So are you going to buy me a drink?"
The thing is dude. YOU set the tone for these interactions. If you set the tone where the are expecting this things and don't even thank you, YOU DID THAT. | |
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| Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 6:45:35 AM | Wealth and social standing have nothing to do w/ manners unfortunately. It has more to do w/ how a person was raised I think. Manners say a great deal about one's character too.
"Please", "thank you", and "you're welcome" were required parts of most of my upbringing, and I didn't have a wealthy one. Personally I consider this right up there w/ good table manners.
It shouldn't matter who pays for the date, "thank you" is appropriate for both parties involved. "Thank you" for the date, "thank you" for spending time w/ me.
Good luck w/ you  , but maybe be a bit pickier about your dates and try to observe if they have good manners before going out w/ them. | |
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| Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 6:46:49 AM | | I hate to labor on semantics but i find that its important to view it in terms of respect for anothers kindness rather than simply following social expectations simply out of habit or without consciously acknowlegement (shit i cant spell that right!) of the individual extending the kindness (inhales deeply, sentence too long). | |
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Rush™
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Joined: 2/17/2009
Msg: 12 | |
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| Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 6:57:44 AM | I have declined 2nd dates w/ 3 different women who required "good manners, respectful behavior & romance" when they did nothing to show that they were also prepared to bring those values to the table......
I am not owed anything merely for providing dinner & an enjoyable evening...just as they are not owed anything for simply bringing a pretty face along for the ride.  | |
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| Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 7:07:21 AM | | I believe you should expect a Thank you......... its funny to me because if you have children you get on them about always saying please and thank you or they get in trouble and then you turn around and go on a date and have someone buy you a meal or even just meet for coffee and dont have the common courtesy to thank them for atleast meeting you......I guess the ones that dont say it did you a favor......Good Luck! | |
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| Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 7:18:16 AM | Never expect anything OP......there are wayyyyy too many people out there (both women and men) who are totally clueless when it comes to having manners. Would it be nice to hear a 'thank you' tho? Yes,,it would.
See, and some people say it takes more than 1 date to tell if you could be interested in someone. If they are that unclassy on the first date,,imagine how they would be once you got to know them. Pass! | |
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| Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 7:26:03 AM | I always say "thank you" for dinner or anything else that ANYONE does for me.
However, if I thought the thank you was expected, I probably wouldn't say it.
And what kind of dates make it "unavoidable" to buy things for women? I don't get it. | |
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| Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 7:40:54 AM | However, if I thought the thank you was expected, I probably wouldn't say it.
Really??? Good manners are optional in your world? Good manners define you. The expectations of others should not define your behavior.
When I do nice things for people I do not do them because I expect to be thanked for my efforts. However, I do have the expectation that I am thanked for my efforts. The appreciation is not the impetus of the behavior..... But, it is a desired response.
Good manners are not negotiable or situationally dependent. | |
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| Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 7:58:07 AM | I don't know if it's worth getting annoyed over, but they should thank you.
One possibility I haven't seen mentioned is that they may have learned not to from other dates. Some men are surprised or even embarrassed at being thanked for a meal or drinks, feeling that their treating their date should be considered a matter of course. Then the one thanking feels they've done something gauche. When exposed to a lot of this, we can quickly un-learn good behavior.
It's also true that when people have money, they tend to take for granted the things that money buys and not really give any thought to who's paying. They and their friends probably don't trouble to thank each other for paying, specifically, when one picks up a tab, either. But that's no reason not to thank you for a nice time - assuming they had one! | |
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| Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 7:58:54 AM | | It's all about manners and appreciation. Whether somebody totally paid your way or not, I believe you should always say something nice. For instance," I had a great time!", or "Thank you for taking me. It was so much fun!" | |
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| Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 8:08:04 AM | | Well, I think that a polite "thank you" after having another pay for a dinner, or even after having a pleasant date and then sharing the bills afterwards, is just plain basic good manners . But, I would not ascribe such bad manners to only wealthy women. Some rich people are what I would describe as truly wonderful or classy while others are not. And the same thing can be said in relation to some men and some women. However, personally speaking on this as a dating issue, if a woman cannot measure up to my standards in terms of manners and behaviour, then I would not waste anymore of my time with her. I would have learnt about her all that I ever need to know. | |
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| Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 8:42:07 AM | It all depends on your upbringing ... if you have been raised with manners, you would expect those you associate with to also have manners. If they don't, yes, I can see how you might get annoyed.
There is no way to generalize if a girls' background and wealth have anything to do with their lack of manners, ... it may or may not be a factor ... depending on the girl.
Even a simple coffee is worthy of a "thanks". Personally, I suffer guilt if I forget at the time ... and will even text/call him to say "thanks"... | |
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| Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 9:46:38 AM | Of course they "should" say thank you for dinner and/or drinks, to be polite. I, personally, always do so. However, I notice guys are often taken aback (why am I writing in thsi style?) when I pay, so forget to say thanks. Also, personally, it doesn't bother me in the slightest.
I am not one of those people who thinks an occasional drop o' the ball on the subject of manners is a "red flag" or "dealbreaker". To me, really, manners and being polite are like an "extra". I have to say, when I went to visit my friend in Philly and he held the car door for me EVERY time, I liked it. (Ho got a kiss and a thanks every time) It made me feel special. | |
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| Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 9:55:16 AM | Hi OP, I always offer to pay my part of the bill, and if they don't allow, I ALWAYS thank them for dinner, drinks or whatever.... just common courtesy.
Backgrounds shouldn't have anything to do with it. Common courtesy should be to thank someone period.... | |
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| Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 9:57:18 AM | I don't think you should have any expectations that someone will act a certain way in small matters of courtesy, but it is a plus in my mind if they do have good manners.
Even after 8 years together, my S.O. usually thanks me if I take her out to dinner. I frequently thank her when she makes me a lunch, for example. If we're out somewhere, I'll usually open doors for her. I think it's many of these little behaviors that show caring and that you do not take that person for granted. Feeling appreciated is - IMO - an important factor in the success of a relationship. | |
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| Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 10:37:01 AM | I always say "thank you" for dinner or anything else that ANYONE does for me.
However, if I thought the thank you was expected, I probably wouldn't say it.
I'm with Gwen on this one. Entitlement attitudes are a real nasty turn off for me.
Really??? Good manners are optional in your world? Good manners define you. The expectations of others should not define your behavior.
Actually they do - and I'd take it further then Gwen on this; I'd either pay my half of the bill or politely decline the offer altogether if I detected this sort of attitude.
When I do nice things for people I do not do them because I expect to be thanked for my efforts. However, I do have the expectation that I am thanked for my efforts. The appreciation is not the impetus of the behavior..... But, it is a desired response.
You're saying that tho you don't expect a thank you, it's expected that someone will thank you? Sounds the same to me. Expect/desire...if you do anything for the outcome or the outcome is a problem for you - don't do stuff for people.
I'm also with the poster that pays her own way to avoid this type situation altogether. In a dating scenario, it's just better to cover your a$$. If I can't afford my end of the date, I'd really rather cancel it so there's no misunderstanding. | |
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