| Why would a woman quit the things she loves for a guy?
Posted: 3/6/2009 7:14:15 PM | So I know I'm generally sort of the opinionated know-it-all in here who thinks he has all the answers, but honestly guys, this one's got me stumped. Any input would be greatly appreciated.
I seem to be running into a recurring problem. Over the last year or so, when I've met somebody new, they will have their own life, their own interests, and their world. But over time, they just completely drop all of these things the more time we spend together. And I hate it.
Some of them have been avid artists, painters, musicians, and all kinds of other interesting things. And eventually they just drop all of that and their world becomes centered around the time we spend together. Not that I'm not flattered that they enjoy what we have, but I want to be an addition to somebody's world, not the center of it. And once they let all their hobbies and passions fall by the wayside, I notice my interest in them slipping. All of the things I was attracted to in the first place, they're not even doing anymore.
I've even made a point to try to support and encourage their interests to get them back on track, but it just seems like they get settled into this comfortable groove with our relationship/whatever and get lazy and don't want to do anything else anymore.
I'll be the first to admit I'm not the most motivated person in the world. But I'm really not going to take the blame for sucking someone else's motivation out of them especially when I keep prodding these people to go back to the things I know they love.
Any idea why this happens and what can be done to fix it? | |
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| Why would a woman quit the things she loves for a guy?
Posted: 3/6/2009 7:20:53 PM | My friends did this...we used to all go out dancing once a week, had fun, stayed in shape...both of them were also going to dance classes as well. As soon as they got bfs they stopped going dancing, and going to dance classes. Sporadically they'll go out maybe twice a year...and they come and go once in awhile from class, but nothing near the level they were at. We weren't doing it to pick up men or anything, just to have a good time and hang out with one another.
I was really upset when they did this. I will never ever let a guy come in between me and dancing. It's my passion. Used to be theirs too. | |
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| Why would a woman quit the things she loves for a guy?
Posted: 3/6/2009 7:22:39 PM | Sometimes a woman tries to re-invent herself for a man or a relationship. What they fail to realize is what you have stated simply that all of those factors are what made them so appealing in the first place.
I've played the piano for 43 years. I would never give up a day of playing for a man. Is my thirst. It's my passion.
I have a woodworking shop and a ceramic art studio and a small antique business online. All of these things are what keep me thriving and sane. They are the "timeless" things I do to help me keep myself centered.
I don''t lose those passions for anybody. I have had the opposite happen. I have had bf's that argue with me becuase I need time for me. I'm very selfish with my time out, off and my "ME" time. I don't think there is ever an age where you should stop learning and growing. People that do abandon their interest and firends for relationships alway end up regretting it, blaming the SO, and feeling betrayed by themselves.
I don't want a man to be the center of my world. I want him to be my compliment, my joy. If I have to give up anything that I love for the love of a man, that's not love at all. | |
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| Why would a woman quit the things she loves for a guy?
Posted: 3/6/2009 7:25:55 PM | I don't know, but I have seen women (and some men) do this. I have one friend who got married and gave up all his hobbies and sold off all his toys for his wife. WTF?? Another guy I know was in a band that played all weekend every weekend and then dropped down to three times a year because two guys got married (to women they met on gigs, go figure) and the women didn't like the lifestyle. Hello...they met their husbands while being band groupies! Pfft.
I guess some people do things to tide them over while between relationships, and some people do things cause they really like those things. The ones who are killing time will naturally stop doing those things cause they were only doing those things to keep busy, while the hobbyists/activity oriented people stay with their schedules in or out of relationships. Some partners will make you feel like you should put them first and drop everything else, and it depends on how easy it is to be manipulated to cave in on that type thing.
My problem is with men who think once they show up that I will stop doing things or put them aside. They love the fact that I have a life and hobbies and friends and goals, but a couple weeks after I start dating them, they are surprised and put off that I still would.
I guess you really can't win. | |
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| Why would a woman quit the things she loves for a guy?
Posted: 3/6/2009 7:29:49 PM |
You are the common denominator. If this is happening all the time, then perhaps, you should be looking in at yourself and examining your behaviour.
Touché! I guess I should have expected that. I use that one on here all the time in response to other people's questions.
The thing is, though, I've done that. I'm not sure what that might be. I'm not monopolizing their time or anything. In fact, if I feel like the amount of time I'm spending with them might be keeping them from other things, I'll generally give them a little space. Problem is they don't seem to do anything with that space.
Anyway, thanks for the input, guys. Keep it coming. | |
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| Why would a woman quit the things she loves for a guy?
Posted: 3/6/2009 7:30:49 PM | I agree with the one poster that if this has happened to you multiple times, it might be the vibe you're giving off that you want all their free time, so they're giving it to you. Be careful what you ask for.
I also agree with djchickie on the last part. In fact, just ended a relationship because after dating for an entire 1.5 weeks, he expected I'd drop any future plan I had made before meeting him that didn't include him. And these were plans with girlfriends. Dodged a bullet on that one! | |
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| Why would a woman quit the things she loves for a guy?
Posted: 3/6/2009 7:37:16 PM | Because women define themselves by their relationships to other people and men define themselves by their successes.
In this case, these women are defining themselves by the romantic relationship they have with you. Its pretty sad when a woman drops everything to spend every second with you...its like they are not the person you initially respected and wanted to get to know.
Next time this happens....you really should just tell them in the beginning that their hobbies or passions are what made you fell for them in the first place....after all ...one of the many reasons we can fall for someone is because "there is something about them" or we love their passion or drive to succeed at something..am I not right? Get really interested when they talk about their passions and say " That's pretty cool...keep on doing what you're doing!"
If they want to spend every day with you or stop having their separate life and friends...I don't see no harm in suggesting that both you and your present partner have a special day once or twice a week where you get involved in your own hobbies and spend time with your own friends.
Oh and why does OP have to be blamed for all of this? Its not his fault that he attracts cling-ons! That's hog wash!!! I see so many women change or drop their friends/hobbies for men...esp for the ones they are really nutso about...they just want to spend all their time with the man. Maybe these women just happen to REALLY like him! They must think he is a great catch and happen to feel happy when they spend alot of time with him. | |
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| Why would a woman quit the things she loves for a guy?
Posted: 3/6/2009 7:38:53 PM | ...'cuz women are stupid? Okay, so that's not exactly fair.... okay - women sometimes make bad choices... we don't have the excuse of a little brain - we have one, but no one believes it is responsible for the stupid, er... imprudent choices we make.
Maybe we have martyr complexes, maybe we just get too tired. Regardless, we owe it to ourselves to maintain our own happiness. No one else is responsible for our state of being. I remember a spin on an Aesop's tale... A bird was flying over the countryside when a cold wind blew in from the North. The poor bird's wings iced up and frozen, he fell to earth. He landed in a barnyard in a pile of fresh manure. The manure was steamy warm and soon the little bird began to thaw out. He was so warm and toasty that, happily, he began to sing. A cat strolling by heard the little bird and promptly ate him... The moral of the story? If you're warm and happy in a pile of shiit - keep your mouth shut.
Okay, so maybe the story doesn't really fit, but I like it and conversely if you are unhappy - do something, find yourself again. It's doing the things we love or being around that which we love that make us happy. When you don't feed the soul, it withers. Sooner or later, most will return to what makes them happy. It may take 20 years or one or two failed relationships, but most people - including women, (yeah they be people too) will pick up a lost love like music, art, or other forms of self expression when they are ready. | |
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| Why would a woman quit the things she loves for a guy?
Posted: 3/6/2009 7:39:40 PM | It's cause you're just too damn cute raphael. 
Seriously though, I understand what you're saying. I've had this happen to me many times. And it's truly frustrating.
For one thing, I don't want to be the reason they stop doing all the things they enjoy. I'm supposed to be a part of their life, enjoying it alongside them. Not being a replacement for everything they once did.
And when they do start giving up the things that made them special, well, I start to lose some of that attraction for them.
If I fall for a woman, and admire her skill and dedication to art, but as she dates me, she stops working on that art, basically giving it up just to be with me... well, she's lost part of what made her special to me in the first place.
I want to be with a woman, someone I respect, admire and love. I want to share in her life, as she shares in mine. Bringing each other into our interests, and expanding each others' horizons.
Not just being her whole life.
If she wants to spend a weekend enjoying my hobbies and interests, that's fine. I'm all for it.
But I would expect that for another weekend, we'd be focusing on HER interests.
Give and take.
As for why it happens... I can't really say.
I would figure it had something to do with their sense of self. Maybe they figure they have to give up what they do to focus on me, in order to keep my affection?
Or they have no strong drive to enjoy anything themselves, and simply follow someone else's lead?
As for what can be done... that too, I'm not to sure about.
With some, I've sat down and talked to them about it. Explained that they can't give up who they are just to be my girlfriend.
Hell, even in D/s relationships, the sub still should have a life of their own. Friends, hobbies and interests.
Some have tried to recapture their interest in other things. But most of them weren't able to. They might pick up old interests for a while... but they'd slowly return to the same place.
In the end, it generally leads to the relationship falling apart. I need a woman to love, not a doll who goes where I go. | |
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| Why would a woman quit the things she loves for a guy?
Posted: 3/6/2009 7:44:44 PM | Some people give up what they are doing because it is something they feel is expected out of them to make the relationship a priority.
I didn't check your age, but I came from a generation of women that felt a man couldn't iron his own shirt, and if I "made" my SO iron his own shirt, then I risked losing him to someone who would iron his shirt...
If you are giving them a LOT of space, perhaps they are feeling this fear of losing you and thus they feel they need to give you MORE attention so as to keep you.
Either way, when you meet someone you like encourage her to keep what is going on in her life, make sure she knows that you are supportive of her having her interests, because a healthy relationship doesn't mean the two of your are glued at the hip.
I can say some people feel like they aren't supported, or are pressured into giving their hobbies up if the other person objects, or complains that they can't plan things together because of these other hobbies.
I try to encourage my SO to do things he likes, because I like my free time as well; however I do find myself annoyed that he has no interest in checking out the things I do like. I sometimes wish he'd be at least interested in some of the things I like to do, BUT then again he wasn't into it before, so I am on my own... | |
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| Why would a woman quit the things she loves for a guy?
Posted: 3/6/2009 7:45:32 PM | """ Touché! I guess I should have expected that. I use that one on here all the time in response to other people's questions"""
That being said OP, do you think it's you? or is it them?
The only way it could really be you is if you were controlling. I think.
Are you willing to wear that.
It sounds like maybe you are picking some co-dependant types that get in relationships and they can't tell where they end and you begin. It's that oceanic feeling associated with infatuation. It's called emeshment.
You could perhaps educate yourself about co-dependancy, maybe your "picker" is a little rusty and you need some oil.
Otherwise if you are staying happy and content with your own interests and friends you have no other responsibility in this except for you picked them. | |
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| Why would a woman quit the things she loves for a guy?
Posted: 3/6/2009 7:46:25 PM | The first time my boyfriend visited my home he remarked "You have some pretty cool stuff for a woman." He was eyeballing my surfboard collection, my guitars and my bicycles. He failed to notice the book shelf. The man has never read a book from cover to cover in his life. (Opposites really do attract.)
Last week we had a rather heated discussion about my activities, he gave me the "I'm a doer, not a talker" speech. Then he wanted to know why I havent been using my surfboards. Hello? I moved AWAY from the beach 6 months ago and I've been working 50 hours a week since then.
I replied by saying to him "You see me sitting here on my azz doing nothing, while I see me sitting here on my azz reading an interesting book about the ancient Turkish armies." Since history doesnt interest him, it was a 'waste of time'. I suggested that he find an activity he would enjoy while I was enjoying my reading.
What did he do? He turned on the tube.
Go figure. | |
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| Why would a woman quit the things she loves for a guy?
Posted: 3/6/2009 8:04:46 PM |
That being said OP, do you think it's you? or is it them?
The only way it could really be you is if you were controlling. I think.
Are you willing to wear that.
It sounds like maybe you are picking some co-dependant types that get in relationships and they can't tell where they end and you begin. It's that oceanic feeling associated with infatuation. It's called emeshment.
You could perhaps educate yourself about co-dependancy, maybe your "picker" is a little rusty and you need some oil.
Otherwise if you are staying happy and content with your own interests and friends you have no other responsibility in this except for you picked them.
I guess it's possible that I'm finding co-dependent types, but what I don't quite get is that if that's the case, why are they all covertly co-dependent? In other words, they all appear to be very self sufficient, well adjusted, and independent when I meet them. But over time, they tend to change.
And I'd like to think I don't do too much to encourage that change. I still maintain my same life with my same friends and outside interests. I don't really change any of what I do. | |
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| Why would a woman quit the things she loves for a guy?
Posted: 3/6/2009 8:26:44 PM | It could be too that they do these activities to fill a void in their lives, then you come along and fill it so they don't need those activities anymore....
I touched on this earlier, I really think more people do this than we realize. Think of all the people sulking in the house after a bad relationship or at least one they are having trouble getting over. What's the first thing friends and family do? They encourage this person to get out, do things, get into hobbies, stay busy, etc.
What happens sometimes is that people can begin or revisit things to keep them feeling like they are getting over the past, but they end up relying on these things to keep them entertained rather than learning that these things are about them getting into a forward momentum of entertaining themselves.
Some just take it that these things are a substitute for a relationship, but will abandon them as soon as the next one begins. Sort of like how people get in shape and lose weight while single to attract a new person, and then once they get the person and things get serious, they sort of gradually go back to where they were in the last relationship.
Now perhaps OP you are not consciously looking for people who do this, but there is some other residual quality about them that you are attracted to outside of it that you can put your finger on? | |
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| Why would a woman quit the things she loves for a guy?
Posted: 3/6/2009 10:47:34 PM | I've never understood this either. I don't get it. I've had girlfriends that would give up their hobbies/friends etc. and say crap like...oh, I don't know if I can do that because my boyfriend might have plans or I'll have to ask my boyfriend if I can go!
What's that all about.? The one that really gets me is the girlfriend that stands up her friends because a guy may ask her out. And she wonders why no one wants her as a friend. Here's one my male friends love and I feel like strangling the girls is that they will go and clean, cook and do their boyfriends laundry. I had a boyfriend who asked me to do some of those things because his past girlfriend did everything. I told him to hire a housekeeper. Really, I don't find too many guys giving up their regular golf dates with there buddies...maybe you need to find women who are more independent. | |
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| Why would a woman quit the things she loves for a guy?
Posted: 3/6/2009 10:56:28 PM | ^^^ I think there is a lot of validity in what DJ says.
The woman that just fills a void with "things to do" is not passionate about her own interest, there is a difference.
If someone were to take the piano away from me it would be like taking one of my legs. It is so much a part of me. I don't pursue it with idle hands.
OP,
It's good to hear that you maintain your interests and friendships and activities inspite of the woman becoming clingy and needy.
Some people confuse desire and needs.
I can want a lot of things, but the reality is I don't need much.
People that need people aren't the luckiest people in the world. They are confused about what love really is. I don't want a man to need me, I want him to want me.
Co-dependancy is complex and it has a lot to do with the family of origin and the persons upbringing and self image. A person can overtly look like they have it all going on. This isn't hard to do and is what most people do, they put their best foot forward.
The proof is in the pudding and more often revealed over a test of time.
Your having experienced this with more than one woman or most should be making your radar more keen.
OP. You may want to back track and think about the sign posts that preceeded these woman and their "tendancy to change". Rocognize the red flags and you will become more proficient in nipping this in the bud should you engage yourself with another woman that is inclined to emerge herself in your life and lose focus on her own.
This is why I suggested educating yourself about co-dependancy issues.
I hear you saying that you want a woman that treats you as an equal and does not raise you up on a pedistol and forget herself. That's really healthy and not unobtainable.
You just have to break this pattern of "finding" this type of woman. While it does not necessarily require taking full responsibility for it, it may call for some soul searching.
Perhaps your only fault is not being completely upfront with the woman on how you feel about this from the get go. Put a voice to it and the next lady you meet will
fulfill this expectation instead of assuming that she should make you the center of her universe ... Communication is everything, but I know you know that from reading your other posts. Good luck OP.
Chill | |
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| Why would a woman quit the things she loves for a guy?
Posted: 3/6/2009 11:11:03 PM |
And I'd like to think I don't do too much to encourage that change. I still maintain my same life with my same friends and outside interests. I don't really change any of what I do.
Strong domineering personalities can over time melt a co-dependent without realizing it and maybe some do (aka the narcissistic predators). With relationships there is clearly lines of boundary of 2 becoming 1 yet you clearly still have 2 sep peeps together. Maybe 'change' or better wording 'grow' and encourage them in their independent outside interests, so maybe if their egos were backsliding and felt themselves 'lost' this may be the kicker they need...
Enmeshment in co dependency issues basically is "I'm nothing without You"... looking for someone else to 'complete them'.... while yes it does happen(more often than we think), we need to encourage young people so these cycles of co dependencies stop, children see their parents patterns and so forth and so forth...
Op good luck in finding a strong woman inside for you, they are out there, but clear believer in what you put out is what you receive...
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| Why would a woman quit the things she loves for a guy?
Posted: 3/7/2009 1:04:42 AM | | Raphael, unfortunately many women are like this. And it is a sad state of affairs. Some women feel that being in love with a man and him loving her is all that is important in her life. Everything else is extemporaneous and unimportant. These women are unfulfilled in their own right and feel that a man makes them whole and complete. Keep searching. You will find a woman who wants you to be the icing and not the cake itself. Good luck! | |
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| Why would a woman quit the things she loves for a guy?
Posted: 3/7/2009 4:16:42 AM | God I would hate this!
I have a great life and when I meet someone I make a concious decision to NOT change, because when I was younger and more niaive I was guilty of it.
My job helps as it is very demanding so that helps me keep a perspective and I value my friends and family greatly who also help me keep perspective.
I will admit, if a relationship progresses there will be subtle changes, mainly because with such a full life I need to make time for anyone new. It's very telling that if I begrudge making those changes then I am just not that in to the relationship.
Personally speaking it's about balance to me. If you are going to become a part of my life then it has to be because you add to what I already have (and vice versa). I think of it in terms of a set of scales.
On one side is all that I have already, on the other side is a possible SO. I have never found a single individual who could outweigh what's on the other side and is therefore worthy of me giving it all up for them nor would I put that amount of pressure on anyone because it wouldn't be fair on them. | |
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