| Mum of 2 kids 24/7 - no family near and ex choosen to forget them. Will I find love?
Posted: 3/12/2009 4:45:14 AM | I am a mum of two kids and have been on my own now for a long time. I dont have any family near (in fact they live about 3 hours drive away) so I have no-one to babysit. Their father hasnt seen them for the last 4 years, his choice.
They are nearly 14 and nearly 11. They are very active kids and go to lots of activities so I am taxi etc. It is hard being the only one looking after them, but I love my kids and they do come first. But as they are now getting older and so am I! I just think it time I tried to find someone. I just wondering how I am going to do this, as I have no-one to look after the kids if I were to meet someone. I havnt been on here long and have been sent messages back and for but worried about the suggestion of meeting.
I dont want to put someone off if I say well it a bit of a problem when the kids got activities on (which is most nights of the week). Besides I would prefer to meet in the day to start just a casual stroll or something. I dont work, every day but I know that a lot of people do and then a lot of dad have their kids on weekends. I quite like the idea of meeting someone with children as they will understand what it is like.
Any advice would be appreciated. | |
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| Mum of 2 kids 24/7 - no family near and ex choosen to forget them. Will I find love?
Posted: 3/12/2009 5:52:55 AM | | well the way you mention you seem a bit stand off ish and you think of your self before others but and you seem to have an negative attauide which alot of guys will run like faster as lighting bolt for the hills as you word your comments and you have kids and dont want more so which means alot of guys wont take the risk of you and you would scare them for sure and you putting the kids first thats your opion if a single guy with no children he would be last in your books and alot of guys wont risk to baby sit your kids unless your after a single father and i know for sure i would not want to be raising your kids either and you have only been on here a couple of days and lot of people are here longer than you have been and still dont get replys or contacts good luck : | |
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| Mum of 2 kids 24/7 - no family near and ex choosen to forget them. Will I find love?
Posted: 3/12/2009 6:10:06 AM | I would just do what you are doing. It's hard to find someone you connect with and hard not to judge people too harshly while "internet browsing", but as long as you play it safe, I dont see why you can't go meet a few people.
What I mean by play it safe is: Meet at a location, not your home. Dont offer information like the name of your company, your street, or even the general location where you live. Dont mention school names or specific events that the school may be hosting. Just dont make yourself identifiable except for in a casual meeting at Starbucks for something.
Now, who should you meet? People you feel a connection to via the internet. Someone who makes you laugh or has a good converstaion with you on here. Some guys are here for email only or for just sex, so be careful. You might find someone you want to meet, but they are stand off-ish about it. That's fine. Move on.
Personally, if I feel like I want to meet someone, I would rather meet them for coffee (nothing formal) just to make sure that they are who they say they are and to look for a physical attraction. I dont want to "get to close" with someone just to find out they posted an old picture or that when it comes down to meeting they are "just not available".
I would think that you could leave your kids alone for a little bit to go have coffee? Do they understand that you are single and that maybe mom wants a boyfriend again? Do you let them know that if you meet someone special that maybe one day they could meet him? My kids know that I stayed home with them for the last 4 years and they dont ever see men in my home, but at least my oldest realizes, "Mom, if you dont go out, you'll never meet anyone!" - his words exactly.
Good Luck, and don't listen to bigben, he has no clue. He tends to come in here to spew negativity! | |
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| Mum of 2 kids 24/7 - no family near and ex choosen to forget them. Will I find love?
Posted: 3/12/2009 6:34:31 AM | I am in exactly the same place as you and my kids are the same age with activites 5 nights a week. My parents are a 5 hour drive. The Ex sees them maybe once every 6-8 weeks. I have to put in at least 55 hours a week at work to pay bills because he does not pay support. Life is rough.
Try to coordinate sleepovers with the kids friends so you can entertain or switch off babysitting chores with another single parent so you can get out and socialize on occasion. I try to get out once a month for a few hours alone, you have to or you'll go nuts. | |
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| Mum of 2 kids 24/7 - no family near and ex choosen to forget them. Will I find love?
Posted: 3/12/2009 6:41:21 AM | | OP, what I don't understand is with the oldest being almost 14, why you would even need a babysitter to go out for a few hours? When I was 11, I was already babysitting other people's kids. If you've raised your kids to be so dependent upon you without being able to make simple decisions, they will soon be in a world of hurt. They will have an extremely difficult time adjusting as they go on in society. BTW, I do not consider sibling arguing a good reason not to be able to leave them on their own for a few hours. | |
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| Mum of 2 kids 24/7 - no family near and ex choosen to forget them. Will I find love?
Posted: 3/12/2009 9:19:32 AM | Op, you stated that your kids are in alot of activities. Have you befriended any of the parents there?
I suggest you should! Widen your circle of friends then trade off babysitting. You babysit his/her kids in exchange for a night off yourself.
Another thing you can do is let the kids have sleepover at their friends house. I've done this and let their friends stay here the following weekend.
I get time to myself, a chance to go out and help build my own children's social circle.
Its a win -win situation.
Another thing you can do is talk to your neighbors. Get to know them then ask them to be your eyes and ears when you let your 14 and 11 yr old stay home for a bit.
One poster is correct, sibling squabbles is no excuse! My 15 , 10 and 5 yr old clash horribly but they need to learn how to behave. I will not let them "win" by giving up and staying home. The 15 yr old should know by now how he is expected to conduct himself especially when he is now looking in the workforce for a part time job. He is an example now to the younger ones who should respect and listen.
Teach your kids NOW how to conduct themselves in your absence. It matters to their future.
best of luck and go out!  | |
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| Mum of 2 kids 24/7 - no family near and ex choosen to forget them. Will I find love?
Posted: 3/12/2009 9:34:13 AM | Well, color me stupid, by the time I was 11 or 12 I was babysitting so why is that an issue? If you feel that it is and your kids obviously have friends, you can have them spend the night so that you have a free night.
Most of the parents I know don't date during the week for that reason. Even when they do not have activities making sure they are doing homework, etc. on the phone usually doesn't work so when I do date, I usually go out on Friday or Saturday.
I could see our dilemma if your children were small but I don't see the problem. Your children can look after themselves and there are people who understand that you need to be available to taxi and work with you. Also, if your kids are doing things with other kids, can't their parents do the driving occasionally? If you develop a relationship with the parents and say hey, can you grab the kids because I have a date, most will tell you yes, and also probably be tickled for you in the bargain.
Sweetie, do you never leave your kids alone? I think you are already beating yourself up about having a life. If you don't, it dimishes your ability to parent because we need adult stimulation in our lives whether it is a date or doing something with friends.
And here's the thing, my kids will do stupid shit when I am around because they know I am here to save them so they don't do bonehead stuff when they are home alone. And it is really quite amazing at how resourceful they are when they tend to ask you to do everything but wipe their butt because it is easier than doing it themselves. Sometimes we do stuff because it is a habit and forget that the kids can do it themselves.
I had a young girl from church working for me one day. I had left to run to the store and she was amazed at my daughter (I think 5th grade) calling a store about the fish they planned to get as a class pet. She asked all the right questions, wrote down all the information, etc. but this girl knew if I had been home she would have acted like she was incompetent and tried to put it off on me.
If you have taught them what to do in case of a fire when you are there, which you should already have done, they will know what to do when alone, i.e. get out of the house and call the fire department or grab the fire extinguisher/water if it is something tiny that can be put out.
IT IS OKAY FOR YOU TO HAVE A LIFE. Your kids are older, they want to see you happy, and frankly it is not good for them to be treated as if they are the center of the universe. I guarantee you that if you have plans and your kids want to do something, they will get the other parents to do it without your even having to ask anyone anything.
My youngest occasionally tries to whine when I go do something with a friend and you know what I tell him, get over it. When you are out playing with your friends or spending the night somewhere, are you sitting around worried that I am not having any fun? | |
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| Mum of 2 kids 24/7 - no family near and ex choosen to forget them. Will I find love?
Posted: 3/12/2009 11:39:21 AM | Personally I dont think you should date Rhi, if you cant find the time to meet someone, what makes you think you're going to find the time to have a relationship?
Second your paranoid about leaving your kids for a few hours? you would be a nervous wreck on a date, i would think if youre worried about the house catching fire, unless your kids enrolled in " how to be a arson " course , most kids are pretty careful about things , the worse thing is they will watch things on TV or eat things they're not supposed to eat, they're not going to place bets on the computer with the local mob bookie. Im sure the kids wouldnt mind a few hours of kid time.
Third, i mean you want to meet someone in the day time because you dont work everyday, finding someone who can take time out in the day will be a challenge, unless he works night shift and even then he has to sleep at sometime | |
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| Mum of 2 kids 24/7 - no family near and ex choosen to forget them. Will I find love?
Posted: 3/12/2009 11:52:04 AM | I just love people who come into this forum without having a clue what it is like to a parent simply to let us single parents know just how undesirable we are as partners.
As footballmom has said, having adult time for you is very important. If you have been giving up your social life to be there for your children, as I did for 8 years, then making the choice to have one is riddled with guilt. There is no reason to feel guilty, your kids are both at that age where they are not spending as much of their spare time with you, but rather with their friends and activities. Of course, you are now feeling the urge to regain a social life.
What I did was focus, not on dating, but on getting out there without my child in tow. I made new friends, went to the movies, out to dinner, shopping with a g/f, anything really to get me out of the house and around other adults. Once I could do this without worrying about my son or feeling guilty, I could see that the only one standing in my way of finding someone to date was ME and my fears. Then I was ready to date.
Good luck to you in your reconnection to a social life that is centred on YOU, not your children. It is worth it and the kids don't suffer....mine actually liked that I had a life outside of him. He saw that I was happy and I was a better Mom because my life was more balanced. | |
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| Mum of 2 kids 24/7 - no family near and ex choosen to forget them. Will I find love?
Posted: 3/12/2009 6:44:33 PM | so you think I was being critical Itsallinthesoul? I didnt say all single parents are undesirable as partners, what i said was if she doesn't or cannot find the time to date how is she going to meet someone?
And I still believe she shouldnt date because also she is afraid to leave her kids alone for a few hours. | |
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| Mum of 2 kids 24/7 - no family near and ex choosen to forget them. Will I find love?
Posted: 3/12/2009 8:31:29 PM | Hi Iceman, no, I wasn't referring to you....I was actually referring to another poster who comes into these threads with only negative remarks aimed at single moms. He states he wouldn't date a single mom in other threads so why does he feel it necessary to come into this thread and many others in this forum and post his negativity? His only aim seems to be to put down single moms. If he doesn't like us, he could just ignore us. Most of us regular posters in this forum would really prefer he do that.
Although....dating and relationship are two different animals. One can date and not be interested in exclusivity or a relationship. The OP can date but you are quite right that if she is unable/unwilling to put time into it, a relationship is likely out of the question for her at this time.
It is hard to re-engage a social life when you have been focused on being Mom and left being an adult woman out of your life for an extended period of time. It is similar I think to the woman who was out of the workforce for a number of years trying to re-enter the workforce. It is daunting. | |
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| Mum of 2 kids 24/7 - no family near and ex choosen to forget them. Will I find love?
Posted: 3/12/2009 9:19:46 PM | Crap, I am a single mom with 3...My immediate family is deceased and get no help whatsoever from anyone...That is ok - I've been through hell and back and am proud of my accomplishments...But, man, I sometimes wish they were all old enough like yours so I could enjoy a breather or two...Maybe when I am 50... ...Another poster mentioned that you might be using your children as an excuse not to date - have you thought about that? We can be our own worst enemies sometimes... | |
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| Mum of 2 kids 24/7 - no family near and ex choosen to forget them. Will I find love?
Posted: 3/12/2009 9:21:19 PM | I like itsallinthesoul's comment about doing your own hobbies/interest before dating. Since you haven't had time on your own, you should do this first, find what makes you happy, find out what you want rather than think dating will be the answer to how you're feeling. Join a single parents group, a singles group at church, try even meetup.com. Heck, just go out once in awhile and go for coffee and read a book or magazine. get a manicure done. do this when you have your kids at home so that you can get use to having time away, and you can build your trust that you will be ok if they are on their own. IF you're worried about safety/security, practice fire drills. have them not answer the door unless you let them know you expect someone to come by. call you on your phone if they need assurance. Get a plan b if there is a fire, such as talking to a neighbor and asking if they midn if they go over in case of fire and you'll get them as soon as you can.
Are you telling me with all these years that you haven't visit family and let them watch the kids while you have time on your own? perhaps you should do so, that way they can be close to your family. | |
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| Mum of 2 kids 24/7 - no family near and ex choosen to forget them. Will I find love?
Posted: 3/13/2009 4:14:36 AM | Maybe I am using my kids as an excuse not to date, it a little bit scary dipping your toe back in the water. Yes I have had a couple of relationships briefly but it didnt work out they seem to have a problem that I couldnt 100% commit to them, which wen u are a single mum u cant, you do have sick kids and stuff. They were not parents and hadnt got a clue.
The comments have made me think which is what I was hoping for some advice, be it positive or negative and I appreciate them all, well almost all. Some people seem to be negative for the sack of it, maybe he has been hurt a lot in the past and wants to take it out on others.  | |
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| Mum of 2 kids 24/7 - no family near and ex choosen to forget them. Will I find love?
Posted: 3/14/2009 7:15:31 PM | I am in a similar situation but not quite as bad. I have 2 family members less than 30 minutes away but neither of them ever babysit. Dad visits once every 2 months MAYBE even though he is 30 minutes away.
I just look for people I know at church, work, or other places I go that might be able to help me out once in a while but most people these days dont keep their word and back out. Or I go out while he is still at day care (I finish work about 3, and pick up is by 6). If family ever does volunteer to do something with him, I jump on the chance. | |
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| Mum of 2 kids 24/7 - no family near and ex choosen to forget them. Will I find love?
Posted: 3/15/2009 8:33:36 PM | | I too am a single mum of 3 and like you im finding it hard to keep a relationship on track they never seem to last long 3 teenagers can be very offputting to some guys but Ill say just one thing to you relax go with the flow and yes eventually u will find love again x sometimes we look too hard when its possibly staring us in the face all along x good luck with your search xx | |
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| Mum of 2 kids 24/7 - no family near and ex choosen to forget them. Will I find love?
Posted: 3/17/2009 8:40:11 PM | Some of the sexiest and nicest women I know are Moms. They have crazy lives, but when you can actually get time with them, it is well worth it.
Yes, it is disappointing to make plans for a Saturday evening, only to have them cancelled because Timmy/Susie is sick. But oh well. I go get some sushi and a movie, and hopefully we can chat after the kids are in bed.
We live life on lifes terms. And any guy (or gal) worth dating will understand this, and work with it. If they dont, what do you think will happen the first time you ask them to pass up a guys night out to babysit a sick child while you are at work?
You have to kiss a lot of frogs...Just because you have kids should not be the end of the world dating wise. You just might need to dig a little deeper. Dont worry, your prince will come. :) | |
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| Mum of 2 kids 24/7 - no family near and ex choosen to forget them. Will I find love?
Posted: 3/18/2009 9:03:59 PM | | She is exactly right. You can contact Red Cross and let your 14 year old take the CPR and first aid class then in addition to watching your own child they could be babysitting and making some extra money. I am the single mother of 5 and I made all my children take the course at 13. Not only to help me but to know what to do in emergency situations. I have just started going out again myself and it isn't easy with a one year old. | |
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