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 rotties rule
Joined: 6/2/2006
Msg: 1
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when someone dies the family is all about the moneyPage 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I just had a very nice friend of mine pass away. I was with her many times taking her places and being there for her. She was not in good health so her days were not long here. Her family mostly did not live around her. They all came for her memorial. I was not included in any of their discussions nor offers to help in any way. They were all bickering and one of them tried suicide. She has had problems in the past and had done that before. I had also bought the car that my friend had as she couldn't drive anymore and was making payments to her every month on time. One of the family wanted to know how much I owed as they wanted the money. The balance was very small and the paperwork was at my friend's home. My question is that Isn't the family usually wanting as much support as possible and if one wants to help so that they can share in the grief shouldn't it be allowed? I feel as an outsider and my feelings have not been considered at all. Am I right to feel that way
 clambroth
Joined: 10/27/2007
Msg: 2
when someone dies the family is all about the money
Posted: 3/19/2009 5:45:46 PM
Its all about money. Can't tell you how many estates I've handled where relatives come out of the woodwork looking for lucre. Its all about money.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 3
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when someone dies the family is all about the money
Posted: 3/19/2009 5:55:23 PM
You got it Clambroth,

I have met many people that have had NOTHING to do with the family member but all the sudden feel they have a just due of getting SOMETHING.

My grandparents passed and I never expected anything, nor did I get anything. No big deal, I mean a family pic or two would have been appreciated, but past that no thanks...

I have told my parents who have much junk and stuff, please have an executor that is unbiased and outside of the family. my oldest sister already stole what she could get her hands on when my dad had a massive stroke 97.

Hopefully my parents will sell their stuff off before getting to out into no where, and that will solve that battle...

I have a watch from my grandfather on my dads side. Actually nobody in the family knows, because as a teen my grandfathers wife happened to give it to me.

Something personal like that has meaning to me, not anything about money...

I am hoping that in my old age I will have sold off all the crap I don't need, and having my kids take crap they want without going insane.

LOL, I guess it pays to have a simple life and to keep it simple...
 The_Standard_Model
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 4
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when someone dies the family is all about the money
Posted: 3/19/2009 5:59:17 PM
Sorry buddy but you said the magic words. You are an outsider and if you are dealing with a family that is not cognizant of your relationship or don't care then you are out in the cold.

It sucks though. Sorry. Had to deal with that a few times myself.
 rotties rule
Joined: 6/2/2006
Msg: 5
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when someone dies the family is all about the money
Posted: 3/19/2009 6:05:39 PM
well you know it's really odd that you do your best to help someone in every way you can and then you suddenly are not even recognized in any way. Outsider or not it would help to be able to grieve too and not to be shut out
 ZenBeth
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 6
when someone dies the family is all about the money
Posted: 3/19/2009 6:08:42 PM
Rotties rule, yours is an excellent example of the importance of having copies of everything. Like when a friend buys a friends car, even if they are the best of friends, one needs to worry about family and even outsiders, who want proof that one is buying/paying for something or has bought something.

Like when someone I know bought a piece of furniture that a friend no longer wanted. Then the person died and a child of the dead, said they had been promised the furniture. But my friend had proof they had bought the item. I gave a couple items to an elderly friend and have to make sure my name is on the back of the items, since she has no family and I want the items back when she dies.

And families who aren't close, often just want the stuff, have no sincere feeling of loss and want the mess taken care of. Its sad. This is why no matter how poor a person may see themselves, having things in writing and copied is a must.
 rotties rule
Joined: 6/2/2006
Msg: 7
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when someone dies the family is all about the money
Posted: 3/19/2009 6:12:16 PM
I did have an agreement written up and signed by my friend and me and witnessed. so they know what and when I paid on the car. I even have the title that was signed by my friend all was done legally. And the car is a 1994 car not even new enough to be worth anything at all
 ZenBeth
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 8
when someone dies the family is all about the money
Posted: 3/19/2009 6:17:15 PM

Rotties Rule:I did have an agreement written up and signed by my friend and me and witnessed. so they know what and when I paid on the car. I even have the title that was signed by my friend all was done legally. And the car is a 1994 car not even new enough to be worth anything at all


Give yourself a hug for being such a great friend and remember as far as some families go, some will look for manure even if there isn't an animals withing fifty miles.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 9
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when someone dies the family is all about the money
Posted: 3/19/2009 6:43:02 PM
My Exes family actually had the sherriffs department called at their Dad's funeral. Damn I miss that crazy bunch.
 Denim and Pearls
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 10
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when someone dies the family is all about the money
Posted: 3/19/2009 6:52:38 PM
Know in your heart that you were recognized for who you were to your friend. It is not important that the family be aware of what you did for her - just that your friend knew who you were/are.

It is difficult to be shut out, and not to be able to share your grief. If the family does not acknowledge what and who you were to your friend then that is their loss. I am sure you have many wonderful memories that you could share but they will miss out on that.
 stealth122148
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 11
when someone dies the family is all about the money
Posted: 3/19/2009 6:55:59 PM
I had about the same thing happen.

My friend lived accross the street from me.

She had a daughter in Ga. and a sister in Dayton Oh.

The daughter in Ga. did not have time for her even when i told her the shape her mother was in.

The sister in Dayton has a life threatening illness and she just lives day by day, or minute by minute but if she did not have to see her specialist or was to sick to travel, she was down here with her sister.

Her mother passed. She came up long enought to bury her mother and get rid of all of her belongings, not offering her mothers sister anything.

When the sister from Dayton had asked about the will, her daughter stated that it was all taken care of. I know that my friend had told my husband and i that her sister would be taken care of when she passed.
Instead she got blew off.

I have no use for people who screw others out of what is rightfully theirs or even offer family and friends that has taken care of their loved ones when it was their job to do in the first place.

I do not know how people like this sleep at night. They are just a bunch of greedy people
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 12
when someone dies the family is all about the money
Posted: 3/19/2009 7:05:26 PM
This is entirely normal behavior - abhorant but normal. People are azzes and have no clue how to handle loss.

But to be fair to her family - they didn't know you. You had a "friendship" that's undefined. We have no way of knowing if your friend who passed felt you should be involved in the planning or the ceremony. If she knew her time was up, she more than likely made known to someone what she wanted - if that didn't include mention of you, then her family were the appropriate people to handle the situation.

They are also obligated to clear up her estate, or the executor is, so if you did still owe money to the "estate" they were correct in asking you to settle up. However, you should have had your own copies of the paperwork.

Peace.
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 13
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when someone dies the family is all about the money
Posted: 3/19/2009 7:06:55 PM
I know!! When my father died, I saw his will. My and was the executor. She gave me very little, not the 40% my dad left me! Then she flew to Florida
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 14
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when someone dies the family is all about the money
Posted: 3/19/2009 7:23:11 PM
I married into a big family and have had a ringside seat for the way people have handled death and their relationships afterward. In some cases, it is actually quite beautiful to see the way that family and friends have surrounded the person and they have clung to each other in grief, helping the family members with food and things and just talking about the person they cared about. I learned when she died, what an extraordinary woman one of my X's cousins was, Lifetime movie type stuff.

The woman that owns the house next door to mine was really nice to an older woman and discovered after she died that the person she showed kindness to was loaded and she was willed more than a million dollars.

I have also seen some people show up just to see what they will collect. Others that have stolen from someone before they were even out of the hospital, let alone died, and the same folks managed to get around legal issues and take what money there was as well as the woman's furniture before the party she intended to receive the things, the non-family member that was there taking care of the woman.

There are other times when it should be about the money. My great uncle had property he owned jointly with my grandmother that he sold and never gave her a dime; other properties he rented for years without giving her the half she should have received. My mother did insist when he sold one of the rental properties that he give my grandmother what their parents wanted, an equal share. When he died, true to form, he willed more than 50% of his estate to an estranged nephew when it was my grandmother and mother after her who continued to make the 7 hour drive to do what was right by family, sigh. My mother thought that finally my grandmother would receive some of what was kept from her for like 50 years. My grandmother did not care, which is one of the reasons that her brother screwed her over financially for most of her adult life.

I have also seen the siblings just fall apart, not over money, but the mother or father that died apparently the glue that held everything together. Four siblings that barely spoke after their mother died largely because they were fighting about who should take care of dad, wtf? In other cases, the family just drifted. Often, when a certain generation dies, all of the extended family just lose touch because they kept touch through several key individuals.

My mother's passing will be from a financial perspective, a non-issue. Her will is very specific and none of us "expect" anything. My X's family will fight like cats and dogs over the scraps that are left when his mother dies.

OP, the family should have included anyone of her friends who wanted to help and certainly should not have started discussing the business end of things hardly after the woman was buried. I am sorry for your loss and that the family has not behaved the way they should have. Just try to remember your friend and that she was not like the rest of the family.
 starstuff942
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 15
when someone dies the family is all about the money
Posted: 3/19/2009 7:33:08 PM
Some people do horrible things when a family member dies. I'm sorry you are not getting the recognition for being a good friend to that person. It's difficult to mourn alone.

I've been divorced for almost 10 years but I had kept in touch with my father-in-law. He always treated me well and acted just the same toward me after the divorce as he did before. (His son wanted the divorce.) We always looked forward to seeing each other because we could make each other laugh. Dad was a lovely man and the only father I had since mine had died when I was 14. Dad was in my life for over 30 years.

Last year when he passed, I went to the funeral and reception and acted as a guest, not a family member. Afterwards, I was told by my ex. that I shouldn't have come because it made his wife feel uncomfortable! I told him that was her issue and that I had every right to be there as a support to my children, who had lost their grandfather and to honor Dad. A few days later, he apologized to me and said I was right.

Meanwhile, I was in mourning for the only father I'd had for most of my life and I had to mourn alone. I am sorry that you have had to mourn alone.
 iam2anangel
Joined: 12/10/2007
Msg: 16
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when someone dies the family is all about the money
Posted: 3/19/2009 7:42:03 PM
So sad. I have seen it many times.


Regardless, I loved the way my grandparents handled it. (They happened to pass within 3 wks of each other.)

Everything that the children gave or bought for their parents (my grandparents) was given back to that child.

All else was sold at auction. If one of the kids wanted an item, they bid on it like everyone else. (of course...friends of the family didn't bid much if they knew one of the kids wanted something). It didn't matter if someone was better off financially than anyone else, because they could pay for what they wanted at the auction with the proceeds from the auction. It worked very well for everyone.
 2Irish1
Joined: 9/1/2008
Msg: 17
when someone dies the family is all about the money
Posted: 3/19/2009 7:54:44 PM
Gawd, now this thread could get down right dirty....I can't tell you how disgusting external family member were when my wife died....and I'm not goin into the details....but my "ex" outlaws are effin real shyte heels!

My Exes family actually had the sherriffs department called at their Dad's funeral. Damn I miss that crazy bunch.


I called the police department to have them removed from "my" home....

Damn I don't miss that effin crazy bunch

jmo,
Irish
 sheilarodri
Joined: 10/7/2007
Msg: 18
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when someone dies the family is all about the money
Posted: 3/19/2009 9:35:53 PM
People wonder why I take my family to funerals of relatives that are not close to us. They need to learn about grief and how to handle it before people who do mean a lot to them pass away.

As to money it does seem to bring out the worst in many people. My mom solved that problem by giving the willed items to the people while she is still around therefore no arguments when she passes. Which I hope is not for a very long time.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 19
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when someone dies the family is all about the money
Posted: 3/19/2009 10:08:24 PM
Families can be the strangest beasts when it comes to death and money.

OP take comfort in knowing you were there for your friend, that you did what you could for her and you had her in your life. While what you may want or expect if you were in their shoes is what most would consider being a real human being........not every human is humane.

I know my father's side of the family is nothing but vultures when a relative w/ any possessions or means passes on. Will? Promises? Relationship w/ the deceased? All are thrown out the window when they can get something for "free". Heck w/ some of that side it doesn't even have to be a relative for the talons and greed to come out. Let someone they know die and the hands are out for as much as they can grab. Even generousity is snobbed if they think it "wasn't enough". And people wonder why I seperated myself from this clan?

OP in the end it's not you, your moral compass or your sense of right or wrong, it's all them. You have the right to feel anyway you want, don't let their issues change you.
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 20
when someone dies the family is all about the money
Posted: 3/19/2009 10:48:02 PM
If we can learn nothing else from these kinds of experiences...we should learn to have our own s**t together with our affairs and make it know to your family when it comes to the disposition of our remains and that of our property. And I mean down to the the spool of yarn in the basket next to the sofa.

Nobody wants to talk about it, but it is one of the very few certainties we have in our lives. And I don't mean "one on one"...do it with them all together. There will be no "mom said I should have ...". It is one of the best gifts you can give to your family.

There are ways to do this...partly without expense and partly with very little.
 lelathecat
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 21
when someone dies the family is all about the money
Posted: 3/20/2009 3:12:12 AM
Yeah they all hope they are going to get something.

See how many people show up when the relative had nothing. You have a hard time finding someone to bury them.

As for me, I'm leaving everything that I haven't spent to an animal shelter or the zoo.
 Carrie Bradshaw™
Joined: 6/24/2006
Msg: 22
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when someone dies the family is all about the money
Posted: 3/20/2009 3:20:16 AM
Not to sound cold but why should the family include you in the details of the funeral? They are her family and you were her friend. I could see including you if you were her longtime live in boyfriend, engaged etc but why would they want a friend to help them with these plans. This is a family thing to do and they are not bad people for not including you.

As far as the car situation, I think that makes them bad people. I do agree that when people pass, it does come down to the money. That is a sad thing but being seen more and more these days. That's why I have a clause that if anyone tries to protest my will, they lose whatever I gave them in it. I am not rich but the last thing I want is people fighting over money. The sad part is that my mom would be the first one fighting to get everything that I am not leaving her.

~Carrie
 hockeymedicine
Joined: 7/8/2007
Msg: 23
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when someone dies the family is all about the money
Posted: 3/20/2009 3:21:27 AM
i had the "run for the cash" syndrome happen with my family when my grandfather died. he had a fair amount of money left, but the greed was all with the relatives you never see or hear from.

the funniest one was the relative who is already "rich" according to their own accounts. then the arguments over the money they got are enough to just say forget it. since its been years since ive had a dead relative, i havent heard from any of them.

hell, ive already told my parents i dont want a dime, and i think my brother and sister feel the same way. id rather they spend it and not feel obligated to leave me an inheretance. i didnt work for the money and dont feel entitled to it.
 Jim978
Joined: 7/15/2008
Msg: 24
when someone dies the family is all about the money
Posted: 3/20/2009 3:34:15 AM
Hey, newsflash - There are a LOT of dysfunctional families out there!

My dad passed away last month and we had NONE of this. All of my siblings and I gathered at my parents house and helped my mother sort through tons of paperwork but at the end of the week not one of us even knows how much my mother was left with (I do know that it is enough that she'll love comfortably but beyond that.. who knows?).

None of us got anything and no one ever spoke of getting anything. It just wasn't a concern. At one point my mother walked around and told each of us to take anything of my dad's that we might want. I took an old screwdriver that he'd had in his toolbox for the last 50 years. One of my sister's took his driving cap, etc.. All told the combined value of the items we each took was under $10.

I've never really thought of my own family as being "close" but when I hear of the horror stories from other families we look downright civilized.
 psssst
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 25
when someone dies the family is all about the money
Posted: 3/20/2009 3:34:51 AM
I gotta say, I agree with Carrie on this one... if the person would have wanted you to have a say in her final arrangements, she would have clearly stated that in a document for you to present to the funeral home and she would have made her wished clear to her family that you were to be included...

Also, regarding the money... it does seem that everyone wants something for nothing... money brings out the worst in people... I've seen this too many times to not believe it...

Just deal with it and don't let it bother you too much... you can't change their thoughts or values...
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