| Shyness
Posted: 3/19/2009 6:12:31 PM | | Ok i am very shy and when i say that its crazy shyness its a curse i seem to have till i get to know someone well i have dated plenty of people which always seems to be part of my group of people once they get to know me we hit it off...my question is any suggestions on getting over this and being able to date someone out of my social bubble? | |
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| Shyness
Posted: 3/19/2009 6:28:45 PM | | Sure, quit being shy. | |
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| Shyness
Posted: 3/19/2009 6:29:31 PM | | Is it shyness or social anxiety disorder? One can over come shyness by willing yourself to do so. SOD needs therapy and maybe even medicine. | |
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| Shyness
Posted: 3/19/2009 6:35:14 PM | Flaunt your weakness. It can be a turn on. You are just being yourself, which is always the best, just learn to use it to beneficiate you.
I love the answer "quit being shy" | |
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| Shyness
Posted: 3/19/2009 6:36:14 PM | | I don't think its a disorder well i wouldn't think i can talk but if it comes down to say asking someone out then its all done...i have a feeling of discomfort when its to that point and clam up i guess...its not that there not showing interest or anything and i know alot of girls not going to make the first move and i just let the chance slide away i not sure what makes me do that...worse of all everyone i ever been with have asked me and were not talking 100s of them but dated like 10 or so and everyone of them asked me | |
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| Shyness
Posted: 3/19/2009 6:54:23 PM | its a curse i seem to have till i get to know someone well i have dated plenty of people
So what did you do to get to know the previous people you dated? Whatever it was, do that some more. | |
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| Shyness
Posted: 3/19/2009 7:07:03 PM | | The ones i dated are always in my group of friends and that never works out and is akward when its over i want out of my social bubble | |
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| Shyness
Posted: 3/19/2009 7:08:50 PM | | I used to be extremely shy. I discovered a few little tricks. First, when I meet someone from on here I warn them ahead of time that I am a hugger and every time I greet the person with a hug. It works 99% of the time to break the ice. Also I will make an effort to focus on the other person, either find something to compliment them on or possibly ask about one or more of their interests that I really don't have much knowledge about. I've found that if nothing else I've made quite a few friends this way. | |
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| Shyness
Posted: 3/19/2009 7:12:02 PM | | I'd suggest finding a counselor and investigating what is the root cause and what kinds of treatment options you have as something as simple as, "Just do it," isn't going to cut it I think. | |
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Elle72
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Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 10 | |
| Shyness
Posted: 3/19/2009 7:22:27 PM | i want out of my social bubble
More than a social bubble seems like it's your "defense bubble", it's where your shyness it's accepted, you can be yourself and you feel comfortable. But now this group feels too thight and it's limiting you.
Being shy doesn't have to stop you from maturing and being able to leave the pack.
Sounds like you are afraid of what you are and that's what you have to overcome.You have to like yourself before others can like you.
Your shyness is what you are, accept it without trying to be somebody else (you would look goofy).
Go out (not to bars!)...I'm sure you have interests that can be shared.
Stop looking for who can see you and start working on yourself: somebody's going to notice.
Please, forgive the long, annoying psycological essay.
Good luck. | |
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| Shyness
Posted: 3/19/2009 7:34:24 PM | | Quit being shy is easier said than done!! I am afraid to approach people. I am comfortable with people in my circle, but still need work. The only ones who can relate are shy people | |
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| Shyness
Posted: 3/19/2009 7:53:06 PM | | I was very afraid to drive until I learned. But I made myself learn anyway. When I bought my first car, it was a stick shift, b/c I wanted to challenge myself further. Although I was terrified to drive for several months, I made myself do it for a little bit every day. Gradually, I got used to it. I clearly recall a day when I was in a 45 mph zone and being afraid of 4th gear. But I did it anyway. Now, 8 years later, I can barely remember the fear. Use this as a template for dating "outside the bubble." Maybe try speaking to 2 ladies you don't already know at a coffee shop once a week for one month. See if anything changes. Good Luck! | |
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| Shyness
Posted: 3/19/2009 9:06:40 PM | I will give you the secret to combat being shy…and it goes both for men and women or any situation in life.
Control your thoughts – shyness comes from fear…simply, fear of what you may not be able to get!!!
It’s a defense mechanism that shows to others your desire and agenda (agenda…not a negative word in this sentence)
For instance:
You are going to a job interview, and you REALLY want this job…the more you want something the bigger the fear that you will not get it…causes anxiety stemming from temporary lack of confidence (what if I do or say something inappropriate that prevents me from getting it)…your mind defends itself by withdrawing from the situation…shy.
So what you have to do is to control how you think…
When I see a beautiful girl (in theory the more beautiful the more I want her)…I redirect my thoughts from me wanting her (for my emotional and physical needs) to perceiving her as another human being (who has the same desires and needs) and look for something about her or the situation that I would say if she were one of my friends (or another guy)
For instance:
I’m in Starbucks putting sugar in my coffee…here comes a gorgeous girl next to me and puts splenda in her beverage…I would redirect my thoughts away from how beautiful she is and say: “splenda hah, how does it taste? I’ve never tried it” – now she will respond in any number of ways depending on her perception of me…but at least I initiated a conversation.
Try it and good lack! | |
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| Shyness
Posted: 3/19/2009 9:07:10 PM | | What you need to do,is look in the mirror and say to yourself..."I'm good enough,I'm smart enough and doggone it...people like me"...seriously though.....You just need to allow yourself to be you....if you need time to know a person before you open up...then you need to find a man who has the patience to do that. You don't need therapy or medication....just a patient man. | |
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| Shyness
Posted: 3/19/2009 9:18:19 PM | I misspelled "lack"
It was not intended but I’m glad I did…makes what I said even better…just don’t worry! | |
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| Shyness
Posted: 3/19/2009 9:20:44 PM | Being very shy myself the only advice I can give is that you have to force yourself to do things that make you uncomfortable. If meeting new people gives you monster sized butterflies in your stomach then go out and do it anyway. There is no magic cure. Before I meet someone new I always feel like a bundle of nerves but most of the time once I get there and become comfortable I am usually glad I showed up.
The shyness feeling never goes away but that does not mean you have to give into it. A person who is shy can no more stop being shy or "get over it" then an extrovert can stop being an extrovert.
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| Shyness
Posted: 3/19/2009 11:06:29 PM | I am very shy but I am starting to overcome it as I get older. I look at it this way: If I try & ask someone out, there's a chance they will say yes & a
chance they will say no. But if I don't work up the courage to try, there is a 100% chance that I will lose the opportunity (unless of course they decide
to ask me), which doesn't happen as often as I might wish, as the nervous body language that shy people often possess, tends to be off-putting.
When I am going out on a "first date"/"coffee meet", whatever you want to call it, I always wear something really hot looking & listen to a couple
of my favorite up-beat songs, to psych myself up a bit. | |
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| Shyness
Posted: 3/20/2009 12:08:30 AM | In my circle l am a "supastarrr" lol, but outside of my circle l am a huge bundle of nerves. l used to avoid anything social that included any people l did not know and therefore l was very limited within my life. After many years of being like this l started to realize that friends from my circle were starting to drop off (moved away, got married, etc.) and l realized that if l didn't overcome this l was going to end up VERY lonely very soon.
Plain and simple l buckled down. Started off slowly by beginning to attend social functions that were larger and had strangers there and l began to put myself out there in small bits. l soon found out my nerves went away after a fairly short time. Then l expanded into other areas. I started to say hi to the stranger in the line up and started to talk to that person who began talking to me (as opposed to putting my head down, shuffling my feet, and then beating a hasty retreat) and started to find out that wow things were actually kind of nice the more l broadened my horizons.
Signing up here was one of the hardest things l ever did. At first l would not meet people at all, and then there was a few times where l made dates and then cancelled them because l chickened out hardcore.......soon though l realized "what is the point of being here if l can't meet any of the damned people?!?!?!" That was when l forced myself to go on that first date. I was a bloody wreck but at the end not only did l make it through without bodily harm, but l was very proud of myself for taking that step. Yes it did not happen all at once but it happened sooner than l thought. Now when l get first date jitters l think they are the normal ones not the ones that make me feel like l am going to puke and gives me the sweats. It has been a joy to grow in this way and has opened up doors for me that l never thought possible........gaining this confidence has spread throughout my whole life now not just dating and with people but in how l carry out day to day living! Good luck to you l wish you all the luck in the world because l know how painful it can be to go through this! | |
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| Shyness
Posted: 3/20/2009 1:03:21 AM | | Take a valium, have a few drinks, you'll be chatting up every woman in sight. Intoxication is imperative. | |
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| Shyness
Posted: 3/20/2009 1:03:53 AM | | perhaps you should challenge yourself every now and then to do something outgoing. Push yourself to do things you wouldn't do normally. After a while, it should come naturally. | |
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| Shyness
Posted: 3/20/2009 6:31:09 PM | | join Toastmasters International at least, it would help you overcome your fear for public speaking. | |
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Javex
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Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 22 | |
| Shyness
Posted: 3/20/2009 8:24:52 PM | The problem with shyness, no matter how well intended, is that the opposite sex can interpret it as disinterest.
Love the toastmaster idea!  | |
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| Shyness
Posted: 4/3/2009 3:57:58 PM | There's nothing wrong with being shy. The problem come along when your shyness holds you back from doing the things you want to do.
Perception plays into the shyness thing, your perception and the perception of others. When I was a child, I was very shy and my parents always told everyone I was very shy when I met them and that plunged me into shyness as the person stood there looking at me and my shyness. I could never say a word! So, with my parent's comments, other people knew I was shy and it reinforced my own self perception as being painfully and paralyzingly shy.
So, when my oldest son was little, though he was shy, I didn't tell people that, in an effort to prevent encouraging his perception of himself as being shy. Sometimes people would say "he's shy" in front of him. I wouldn't agree or disagree, I would say something like, "he's quiet until he knows you a little" or "sometimes he needs a little time in a new situation". I like to think that gave him a sort of path to follow away from his shyness.
When I was in my early 20s and tired of the shy way of life, the thought occurred to me that people wouldn't know i was shy if I didn't act that way. So I started acting outgoing and the perception of others changed. For many years, no one has believed me when I tell them how shy I am. Except other shy people. We shy people always know each other, don't we?
It effected my perception of myself, too. I still see myself as a shy person, but I no longer see myself as a shy person who "can't". I am a shy person with the willpower and courage to act anyway. | |
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| Shyness
Posted: 4/3/2009 3:58:26 PM | There's nothing wrong with being shy. The problem come along when your shyness holds you back from doing the things you want to do.
Perception plays into the shyness thing, your perception and the perception of others. When I was a child, I was very shy and my parents always told everyone I was very shy when I met them and that plunged me into shyness as the person stood there looking at me and my shyness. I could never say a word! So, with my parent's comments, other people knew I was shy and it reinforced my own self perception as being painfully and paralyzingly shy.
So, when my oldest son was little, though he was shy, I didn't tell people that, in an effort to prevent encouraging his perception of himself as being shy. Sometimes people would say "he's shy" in front of him. I wouldn't agree or disagree, I would say something like, "he's quiet until he knows you a little" or "sometimes he needs a little time in a new situation". I like to think that gave him a sort of path to follow away from his shyness.
When I was in my early 20s and tired of the shy way of life, the thought occurred to me that people wouldn't know i was shy if I didn't act that way. So I started acting outgoing and the perception of others changed. For many years, no one has believed me when I tell them how shy I am. Except other shy people. We shy people always know each other, don't we?
It effected my perception of myself, too. I still see myself as a shy person, but I no longer see myself as a shy person who "can't". I am a shy person with the willpower and courage to act anyway.
I think the "quit being shy" advice is good, in a way. I would modify it to say "quit acting shy". | |
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| Shyness
Posted: 4/3/2009 4:43:15 PM | | sure,Jake;bust that bubble | |
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