| | Is it cheating or not???Page 1 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) | Briefly, I am in a committed relationship, however, he is a very needy alcoholic. Always sick, never wants to do anything or go any place. Oh, and I don't live with him right now.
Now, I don't need to be doing something all the time and spending tons of money or go out lots. But I want to do SOMETHING SOME TIME!!!
I joined this page thinking maybe I'd try it. What has happened is I found a married man who sounds like me. He has been married for many years, doesn't want to end the marriage, but wants a 'friend' to do things with.
There's a girl in my office who is doing 'something' (what I'm not really sure) with a married man from another department and I've been ragging about her a lot - I really can't stand cheating of any sort.
Then I got to thinking today...isn't that what I'm planning on doing? Even if there's no sex involved (that hasn't been spoken of yet, we haven't even met) - I just feel that this is cheating.
I love my guy (pain in the ass that he is) and we get along great. I just want more, and in the past few years I have gone out without him (with the girls) and gone on trips to see my children out of state without him. He deals with that...has the option of going with me but is always not feeling well enough to go. He'd feel fine if he'd quit smoking and drinking so much.
I'd just kind of like some feedback on ideas or just what ya'll think about this. Would I be cheating if I go to coffee, drinks, dances, hikes, trips or anything with someone besides my 'guy'?
Any help is appreciated. | |
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| Is it cheating or not???
Posted: 3/20/2009 3:11:01 PM | | i think if you really care about him, you would be a lot less concerned about having coffee with your buddies and a whole lot more concerned about getting him to dry out for good. there is certainly nothing unusual about being an alcoholic, but it's bizarre to be cavalier about behavior that is so completely self-destructive as well as toxic to everyone else around you. i think you need to make a serious decision or two about the relationship you already have.... either he cleans up his act, or you leave. then you don't have to worry about whether or not you're "cheating". see how that works? | |
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| Is it cheating or not???
Posted: 3/20/2009 3:14:31 PM | There are only two people that can answer this question. You and your guy.
Cheating is defined within a relationship.
Talk to him about it. Find out what he is comfortable with and what you are comfortable with. If you are unable to do this then why are you in a relationship with him? | |
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| Is it cheating or not???
Posted: 3/20/2009 3:15:43 PM | | I would not consider it cheating to have a friend to do things with. My girlfriends have all had guy freinds before we met, and I can not ask them not to do anything with their friends anymore. I would say though that the though process in each of your brains is probably very different. While you see it as a mutual friendship, he sees it as an opportunity. You can shake your head and say it is not like that, but the reality is he thinks that if he can spend time with you, you will grow to feel very comfortable around him. And when you spend lots of time with someone feeling other than the intended ones start to develop. It would more than like likely lead to a direction that in this point you don't want it to. | |
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| Is it cheating or not???
Posted: 3/20/2009 3:17:30 PM |
he is a very needy alcoholic.
And you're there because you believe you can rescue him! You're BOTH heading on the wrong path. | |
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| Is it cheating or not???
Posted: 3/20/2009 3:24:21 PM | | You list yourself as “single” on your profile and make no mention that you are in a “committed relationship”. Does your man know you’re on here asking, “Can I just meet some men, please?” IMO, based upon the way you’re marketing yourself on here, I’d say your intentions are not platonic. If you want to save your relationship, then I recommend unplugging the computer, attending some professional couples counseling, and getting your man into rehab. If he refuses, then end it before seeking out another romantic entanglement. | |
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| Is it cheating or not???
Posted: 3/20/2009 3:29:28 PM | Wow, that was quick!!!
All very valid and honest replies.
He has 'tried' to dry out. We have been 'together' 8 years and he's been in and out of detox, spent months at a time sober, then fallen off the wagon. I know by this time I cannot 'fix' or 'change' him. Am not trying any more. I am not an enabler any more. Been to alanon and I won't say I'm all 'fixed', but I know I'm not changing him and not trying.
I will always have my hopes that he snaps out of it and becomes the man he can be. But I've accepted that he probably won't. It's just very hard when you know you want more out of life but have someone you love so deeply who just isn't willing to help himself. I don't want to see him this sick, but it's all his decision and his doing and I will not take responsibility for it.
Anyway, I don't need the AA or Alanon talk, been there, done that. Use all the 'tools' I can to keep myself happy and healthy.
I guess maybe I'm just trying to make a step towards getting out of this and moving on. The decision is very hard and very stressful when you care so much about someone who is this self-inflicted-sick and determined to continue with it. | |
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| Is it cheating or not???
Posted: 3/20/2009 3:30:21 PM |
> think if you really care about him, you would be a lot less concerned about having coffee with your buddies and a whole lot more concerned about getting him to dry out for good. If you knew anything about alcoholism.. you would know that you cannot do anything to GET him to dry out for good.. He has to want to do that for himself and the only way he's going to do that is for him to hit rock bottom as far as his own life is concerned.
By staying in a relationship that is not fulfulling for you Op you are enabling him to continue the status quo and he will never hit that bottom when you keep being there when he's as sick as he is.
As for your question. The first step in any physical relationship is meeting another, then bonding, then the physical most always follows when you find yourself with someone you are attracted to and it's reciprocated. Because you're unhappy and your love for this man is based on co-dependency.. You will cave and have a physical affair or an emotional affair if the opportunity presents it's self.
Either learn to accept your relationship with this man for what it is: (co-dependent and unfulfilling) or, break things off completely with him until he drys out and gets with councelling and/or a 12 step programme. Alanon would benefit you if you choose to stay.
You know what you're proposing is not integral or else you wouldn't have posted the question looking for the okay from total strangers to proceed. This new man you are contemplating is married and is being unfaithful to his wife. If he's so unhappy then perhaps he should leave her first before he ventures out looking for an "activity partner" At the very least, he should introduce you to her so that she (and you for that matter) know that his intentions are strickly for the adventures his wife won't participate in with him (or so he says *rolls eyes*)
Your original question:
I'd just kind of like some feedback on ideas or just what ya'll think about this. Would I be cheating if I go to coffee, drinks, dances, hikes, trips or anything with someone besides my 'guy'? Ask "your guy" what he thinks!
Good luck ~ a good place to start your journey is with the book Co-dependent No More.
Anyway, I don't need the AA or Alanon talk, been there, done that. Use all the 'tools' I can to keep myself happy and healthy Not quite! As they say: Denial isn't just a river. | |
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| Is it cheating or not???
Posted: 3/20/2009 3:30:49 PM | Not only do you list yourself as single and a soon to be empty nester, you also have this little tidbit in your profile... .can I just meet some men please?
Do you really think anyone believes after reading your profile that you are just looking for platonic friends???
It would be one thing if you had some male friends from before you married or that you and your husband met together during the marriage but you are trying to meet guys now because you are not happy in your marriage. Even at the very very remote chance that it is not for sex, sooner or later you would emotionally cheat and I consider that cheating also. Are you looking to trade in a messed up guy model for a newer one?
How about working on your marriage or getting out before you start a whole new pile of crap. | |
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| Is it cheating or not???
Posted: 3/20/2009 3:34:25 PM | | be open and tell the world you are after a ****buddy,....as for loving the guy you are showing you are single on a chat site..IS CHEATING | |
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| Is it cheating or not???
Posted: 3/20/2009 3:41:33 PM | | First of ALL... I see something in YOU. First an alcoholic and then a married man? Both emotionally unavailable. I say you are playing with FIRE with BOTH of them. | |
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| Is it cheating or not???
Posted: 3/20/2009 3:45:32 PM | I guess maybe I'm just trying to make a step towards getting out of this and moving on. The decision is very hard and very stressful when you care so much about someone who is this self-inflicted-sick and determined to continue with it.
It wouldn't take a genius to figure out what potential lies ahead if you are seeking to meet with men because you are unhappy with the state of your marriage.
You say you stay with him because you care for him deeply? Ok, I'll buy that. To a degree. I also have known enough people in similar scenarios that stay for other reasons.
If you have been together 8 years, you know him well enough to take an educated guess as to what the future holds in terms of him becoming sober, and being capable of being closer to an ideal mate to you.
If you think that there is little, to no hope, then you should separate, and move out for a while. Stay commited to the marriage. If you see him smarten up, then evaluate from there.
But looking for an activity buddy, and then coming home to a man that has an addiction that has caused the marriage to come to the point that you require the company of another man to fufill the role that your husband should, is not a great alternative, IMO. | |
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| Is it cheating or not???
Posted: 3/20/2009 3:59:18 PM | | If it is a friendly situation with no romantic overtones it is not cheating. If this man would become who you would start telling all of your little details to, if you started to have feelings for him beyond friendship, THAT would be cheating. | |
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| Is it cheating or not???
Posted: 3/20/2009 4:02:04 PM |
I just feel that this is cheating. Look up emotional cheating on the net. It is absolutely worse for a marriage and more devastating than physically cheating. You posted here because you KNOW it is wrong! | |
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| Is it cheating or not???
Posted: 3/20/2009 4:04:49 PM |
I am in a committed relationship
Not according to your profile you're not.
Is it cheating or not??? Since you asked - Yes it is.
I know Alanon and AA very well, and agree with the poster who mentionned Denial. You say you use the tools .. well one of the Best tools in Alanon IS the support of a group of people who deal daily with Exactly what you're talking about. you should try it!! ;) | |
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| Is it cheating or not???
Posted: 3/20/2009 4:10:41 PM | | Don't delude yourself - the married man doesn't wish to simply "hang out" but is looking for more. | |
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| Is it cheating or not???
Posted: 3/20/2009 4:23:26 PM | | I have a relationship similar to the "friend" thing at work, and I know she does not call it cheating. We go out to dinner, we go to NBS games. He husband works nights and she gets kind of bored. He does know about me though, and I think that is why it does work out so well. If we were sneaking around, then there is more of a potential for it to become cheating. | |
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| Is it cheating or not???
Posted: 3/20/2009 4:45:10 PM | So, do you think the WIFE is going to believe you after she's hunted you both down at the bowling alley??
Why is the only option to keep your man so you can go on and on about how much you LOVE him, but you're not happy with him, and then needing to find somebody to do something with??
There ARE plenty of other options in this that you've not investigated yet......
Like....getting rid of the guy you currently have and then finding one who isn't an alcoholic OR married.....
hmmmmm. now that's a thought, huh? | |
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| Is it cheating or not???
Posted: 3/20/2009 4:57:29 PM | yes, it's cheating. you're cheating and the married guy is cheating
as for you having all the "tools" that you need... Are you sure? Then why are you in a relationship with a man who cannot fully commit to you (his first love is the bottle, and always will be, and you say that you recognize this) and you can never have the relationship you desire with this guy, and now, guess what? You're going to pursue a relationship with another man ,who like your alcoholic, will never be able to give you a fully-realized relationship. With all the single guys on this site, you are going to meet a married guy?
wow.... Codependent much?
Think maybe you might want to stop rationalizing your behaviour and get some help as to why you don't think you deserve better. Why are you settling for second place in both these guys' lives? | |
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| Is it cheating or not???
Posted: 3/20/2009 5:00:12 PM | Nemises
I think she is more after an activity partner...never mentions she is looking for **** buddy.
OP
I think if you need an activity partner....better discuss with yr partner and this way it is not cheating.
I f you are not really looking to get intimate....then its just that.
Now if you are open to intimacy...then things are different. One thing Im for sure the married man will ask you for some action!!! Mark my words.
Good luck to you | |
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| Is it cheating or not???
Posted: 3/20/2009 5:15:25 PM | The key to your problem is in your first sentence. You are in a relationship with a needy alcoholic. The answer to that problem is to get OUT of that relationship.
However: Do NOT go into any kind of relationship with a married man! Are you just looking for men who are "unavailable" to you on purpose? Just something to think about. | |
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| Is it cheating or not???
Posted: 3/20/2009 5:24:31 PM | If you knew anything about alcoholism.. you would know that you cannot do anything to GET him to dry out for good.. He has to want to do that for himself and the only way he's going to do that is for him to hit rock bottom as far as his own life is concerned.
why yes, thank you, i do happen to know something about alcoholism. and i am suggesting that the OP give him the so-called ultimatum. a.k.a., put the ball in his court. of course, it is his choice to self destruct. or not. as it is with us all. but i'll be damned if i would sit around enabling or even tolerating that kind of behavior. it's a dead-end street. life is short, and i have goals.... goals which include things like traveling the world, NOT cleaning up after somebody who is so out of touch with the essence of living that poisoning himself into retarded oblivion seems like the best alternative available, from all the other possible choices that the universe provides. perhaps op feels the same way by now herself, as she has alluded to. if she does, then she should put her money where her mouth is and leave a.s.a.p. | |
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| Is it cheating or not???
Posted: 3/20/2009 5:38:06 PM | ^^ Tis all well and good MS.. but, you're quote was:
think if you really care about him, you would be a lot less concerned about having coffee with your buddies and a whole lot more concerned about getting him to dry out for good I was basing my remarks on the bolded portion of your statement. I agree that it's certainly a good idea to discuss him going to rehab (which is far different than detox) and if he won't go then she should quit enabling and set herself free from his dysfunction.. It's harder than it sounds.. but once done.. she'll wonder why she was so reluctant to leave.
I guess maybe I'm just trying to make a step towards getting out of this and moving on. The decision is very hard and very stressful when you care so much about someone who is this self-inflicted-sick and determined to continue with it. Do yourself a HUGE favor, op: Don't move from one dysfunctional situation into another. Leave and give enough time before dating to learn to love yourself again. That means until you are happy in your own skin even when you aren't in a relationship.. | |
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