| Does your heart lie?
Posted: 3/21/2009 4:30:43 PM | I was dating someone for 3 years, whom was my best friend, my world my everything. We've been engaged for 6 months. He did everything you could imagine for me in our relationship. He made me the person that I am today, and stuck by me through thick and thin. He is/was such a positive influence in my life he encouraged me to become a better person. In which today, I am so thankful for.
We started dating and after 6 months of we moved in together. I was really unhappy with my situation at home and decided to move out. He wanted to do this with me, so we did. We moved in and everything seemed great. We never fought, we adjusted to our new life together. I learned things about him, that made me realize how lucky I am. I can honestly say there is not one thing that I don't love about this man. His thoughtfulness, his loyalty, his sincerity, and his love for me.
There was something in my heart, that was telling me that I wasn't in love the way that I need to be. I struggled with that because he was so perfect, so I decided to ignore it and try to and focus on our relationship.
I was dealing with a lot of stress, I was unhappy at work, My father was sick, and I was going through my own medical issues. All of these things were occurring at the same time, and I was stressed. I put myself in situations where I admit I was wrong, went out with an old friend of mine (whom I had a history with) and did things I wouldn't do I was truly in love with him (figured this stuff out now).
In time our sex life slowly deteriated, and it got to the point that I couldn't make love to him without getting tense, I never gave him a hug or kiss when we got home, I never grabbed his hand when we were in the mall, I never cuddled with him on the couch, I unintentionally showed him no affection. I avoided these things because the thought of making love to him made knots in my stomach. At the time I assumed it was because of all the stress I had in my life.
In October, he proposed and I accepted. I thought that we would be able to make it through this, because of our history and because he is one of the greatest people I've met in my life. We were going to work through our sex issues, and we both thought it was because it was a medical issue that I needed to sort out.
One night night I was in the shower, and I came out and our bedroom was filled with candles. It was really romantic thought. I quickly closed the bathroom door and told myself "that I have to try".. I went into the room where he tried to make me feel comfortable and tried to make love to me. I just laid there, and we had to stop because I got to emotional. At that moment I told myself, I can't do this for the wrest of my life...
I realized at that moment that I needed to sort through my feelings and figure things out before it was too late. I rented a condo to spend some time alone, to sort through my feelings and find out why I can't make love to him. I went to the doctor and got my tests done, to find out that my hormones are 150% okay. And one night it all hit me at once.. I am not in love with the man of my dreams, I've been ignoring my heart all this time. I never wanted to come to this conclusion, and it breaks my heart more than you can imagine. I'd do anything to feel the way that I want too, but I can't. I believe that you can't force yourself to be in love with someone.
Last weekend we had the chance and I shared him my thoughts and where my heart was. I broke his heart. I am still in the condo and I am going back to the house tomorrow to start sorting through our issues (house, banking, e.t.c.) we still are in touch, and I know that this leaving will be very emotional.
In the time that I've been gone, I don't miss him the way that I want too, I feel more comfortable in my current situation than I do at home. I just can't bring myself to thinking what am I going to do next?
You would assume that I've answered my question, but I am so lost and confused. I am scared to move forward without this man who I feel comes once in a lifetime. He is my best friend, he is my everything. Have any of you been in this situation before, have you been in a relationship with the most perfect man/women but something in your heart wouldn't let you be in love? Is it wrong to want it to work?
I honestly don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have, and I don't want to be selfish. But I am scared I'm walking away from something that I'll regret later on in life.
Does your heart lie?
Please help! | |
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| Does your heart lie?
Posted: 3/21/2009 5:04:05 PM | Your heart does not lie and sometimes it workes against your judgement.
A good man is hard to find - sometimes we take a person for granted as it is a human nature. You may need time to be close to yourself and a break to think.
And then again you can not make yourself being in love.
Time will let you know....................... | |
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| Does your heart lie?
Posted: 3/21/2009 5:43:05 PM | | You were in a mess when you met him, he helped you out, and everything was there except what you need, which is to be in the middle of a big mess, so you had to get back into one and here you are. The dreams only work when they are how you cope with being in a big mess. Once the mess ends and reality resembles your dream you have lost the ability to dream the dream, which you can only do when life is going wrong. You're a dreamer and so you create the conditions perfect for dreaming of a better life. | |
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| Does your heart lie?
Posted: 3/21/2009 6:42:47 PM | Did you meet someone back in October that made you start realizing you weren't 100% with this guy? I ask because of the thread you posted back then.
You are young and went through tons. If you aren't feeling it with someone even dating, you can't make it happen. I still can't understand how a nice guy etc. etc. can touch me and I will repel from it and another nice guy I want him to. I don't know what it is that attracts and then you spend time with them and you fall in love or you move on. It is just the nature of the heart. Trust in your heart or your gut, but don't ignore reality. | |
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| Does your heart lie?
Posted: 3/21/2009 6:58:28 PM | OP, I have been in the same situation. About 18 years ago, I was 18, a single mom, not really a good source of income (low paying jobs), lived in a small town, etc. I had no idea what to do with my life. I had always wanted to go to college, have a great career and have a family when I was older. Well, I got pregnant as an irresponsible teenager, and my life had changed.
A friend of my mother introduced a man to me. He was a great man, kind, responsible, hard working, good character, etc. But I just never felt in my heart that I was in love with him. I kept trying to get myself to fall in love with him, though, since he was such a great guy. I couldn't stand for him to touch me either, no matter how hard he tried. I married him anyways, telling myself I would eventually feel the right way and he was a good guy.
I left him 7 years later. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I just couldn't do it anymore. He was devastated, and I felt bad for years for hurting him and wasting 7 years of his life. He is no remarried, and I hear they are very happy. So, I feel better about it.
When I looked back, he came in and rescued me when I needed that. That is why I convinced myself to try to be in love with him. But the heart doesn't lie in my opinion. I always listen to it now. | |
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| Does your heart lie?
Posted: 3/21/2009 7:02:07 PM | I wanted to say what monfil has said, but didn't quite know how to say it. Thank you, monfil.
In my lifetime, I have been incredibly attracted to men who were totally wrong for me, and been repulsed by one man in particular who professed his love for me in many, many ways. I have also been in a longterm (4 year) relationship with a man who, though he was a good friend, and a good person, did not strike me as someone that I could see myself married to. The end of that relationship, though heartbreaking, was the only solution, as staying with him would have been giving him false hope. He had always said he wanted to marry me, but we were so very different in regard to our value systems and our hopes for the future.
I think you need to listen to your instincts, rather than your heart. You can't make yourself love him, anymore than he can make you love him. In reading your comments re your being happy away from him, less stresssed, etc....I believe you have done the right thing by leaving him. That way, he is free to meet someone who will love him the way he deserves to be loved, just as you are free to do the same. | |
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| Does your heart lie?
Posted: 3/21/2009 7:22:20 PM | | it isn't your heart, it's your mind. you can't make a good decision when you are emotional, not thinking straight and acting out of fear. he's a big boy, and you have to take care of what is best for you. everyone has to experience loss and disappointment at some point in life, you have to believe that something better is just around the corner for both of you... | |
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| Does your heart lie?
Posted: 3/21/2009 10:01:09 PM | | sounds to me like you don't deserve this good of a guy. go find and marry yourself a piece of trash loser because the good decent men out there deserve better than you. | |
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| Does your heart lie?
Posted: 3/22/2009 10:29:38 AM | | The heart doesn't lie. The MIND plays tricks on you though (he's perfect, he treats me well, etc.). Listen to your heart and don't lead the next man on. | |
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| Does your heart lie?
Posted: 3/22/2009 10:50:57 AM | | Your heart never lies. Your head does, your head screws you up more than anything. But your heart and your feelings will always lead you to the truth and what is right for you. | |
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Landra
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Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 12 | |
| Does your heart lie?
Posted: 3/22/2009 1:43:12 PM |
Does your heart lie? No, my heart doesn't have a brain. So I often find listening to it to be a bad idea. | |
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| Does your heart lie?
Posted: 3/23/2009 3:52:24 AM | It sounds to me like you were leading this really terrific guy on...........
You also emphasize here that sex was a huge issue with you. Have you been abused in that way in your life??? Because what you state has all the markers of it. - Tension at the thought of sex, no cudding, no holding hands, etc. - And it was intentional????
You were a mess when you met him and basically took advantage of his good graces and over time you used him as a crutch because your life was a mess and it is STILL a mess and you couldn't stand on your own two feet. Moreover, you went out with a friend (with whom you have "history" - whatever that means) and "did things you wouldn't normally have done.........." - What exactly does that mean? Are you saying in not so many words you slept with him and used him too?????
And NOW you are on a singles dating site ready to drag someone else into the mix?????? I don't get that.
Basically, you are always looking around the corner for some nice man to rescue you from all your problems.
Sounds to me like you need some really heavy duty therapy to get out of this constant crisis/drama you are in.
Let Mr. Wonderful go. He doesn't deserve to be in limbo indefinitely while you sit around and weigh all your options. He deserves much better than that, and hopefully he will find someone who is not such a drama queen, not so high maintenance, and halfway has her shit together.
Sorry to sound so harsh, but it's crap like this I just can't stand. It makes it harder for those of us who really are looking for someone special who has their act together.
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| Does your heart lie?
Posted: 3/23/2009 5:24:46 AM | So nice guys really DO finish last!
But all the threads with the "good guys get dumped" theme always wind up
with "you think you are a good guy but you are not"
I am confused.
"you are a wonderful guy but I HATE when you touch me......"
Later
" Waah! Why can't I meet a nice guy!!!!!"
I can tell you ladies one thing......unless he is Superman, this guy is never going to treat anyone as nicely again. Congratulations, OP, you have boosted sales of anti-depressants. | |
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| Does your heart lie?
Posted: 3/23/2009 6:20:22 AM | ^^^
FFS!
Does she have to stay with a man forever just because she made a mistake and moved in with him? Are YOU still with the first woman who ever treated you well? No? Then you are responsible for all the Nice Girls being cast aside and treated poorly...and all the issues that come with that as well.
OP, life is a learning process. Now that you know how easy it can be to get swept up in a romance...next time dont move in until you have already figured out whether or not you love him.
As long as you learn from this, and continue to treat him with the respect he deserves, that is all you can do. Put yourself in his shoes, and be guided accordingly. | |
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| Does your heart lie?
Posted: 3/23/2009 7:47:08 AM | | Do women really follow their hearts ever?... I don't know a single woman who loves the man, she only loves the world he creates around her! Simply, men fall in love with women and women fall in love with a lifestyle, argue it as much as you like ladies but you know its true... this sounds like a classic case of woman falls in love with knight in shining armour, the problem being woman only need knights in shining armour to save them when they are in trouble, they never imagine spending their lifes with them!... | |
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| Does your heart lie?
Posted: 3/23/2009 10:24:45 AM |
I don't know a single woman who loves the man
Well, mongoose (message #16) I can personally tell you that yes, I really, really loved my ex, but in the end, he had other ideas and wanted to be with someone else. - Needless to say, I was very crushed when he left. And yes, I will come out and say I was truly heartbroken.
this sounds like a classic case of woman falls in love with knight in shining armour, the problem being woman only need knights in shining armour to save them when they are in trouble........
Admittedly as in the case of the OP, some woman are that way, but I can tell you that if I personally waited around for a man to come to my rescue, I would be waiting a hell of a long, long time.
But I could say the same fo men who treat women like their personal maid.
Thank God I am educated, resourceful and can stand on my own 2 feet.
I can tell you ladies one thing......unless he is Superman, this guy is never going to treat anyone as nicely again
And ready, (message 14) you are so right.
This goes for BOTH MEN AND WOMEN who have treated their significant others like gold. Due to the way I was treated by my ex in the end, it's very very hard for me to trust and believe in men again. I gave it my all in the relationship and came up very very short in the bitter end. I will never, ever work that hard in a relationship ever again. - especially if the other person isn't willing to put forth any effort. | |
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| Does your heart lie?
Posted: 3/23/2009 10:55:23 AM | "No, my heart doesn't have a brain. So I often find listening to it to be a bad idea"
ding ding ding...we have a winna! Trust your instinct...you cant go wrong.. | |
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| Does your heart lie?
Posted: 3/27/2009 4:19:52 AM | | Misskristy: This all just happened 1 week ago and you are on a dating site ?? You need to spend years alone before you get back into dating. It is only fair to the next guy | |
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| Does your heart lie?
Posted: 3/27/2009 9:11:30 AM | OP isn't broken hearted, OP is bored. Life isn't chaotic anymore, so it's time to ditch the cause of the calm.
Good thing, too, because now a good woman who appreciates a good man and life of simple, calm pleasures has a chance with him. | |
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| Does your heart lie?
Posted: 3/27/2009 10:11:39 AM | I don't believe love is a constant feeling of euphoria, real love is exactly what you described. Unfortunatly you aren't emotionally ready for real love and got bored with the sameness of it. You did what you did because you prefer quick fixes to working out your problems.
Moving in together because you are miserable or bored living with your parents is not a good reason.
Being stressed out at work or unhappy with your life is not a good reason to cheat.
Saying Yes when someone asks you to marry them because it is preferable to telling them you are not in love is lousy too.
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| Does your heart lie?
Posted: 6/17/2009 9:20:27 AM | | I don't think your heart lies its always truthful. Its hard to understand it when your confused . Your mind has a tendency to scramble things up. I think she is a codependant and need the messiness in her life to make her feel comfortable. She most likely Had a unhappy relationship witch she said with her family and found a rescuer and then got uncomfortable with the calm and needed to stir things up. I believe love is a choice u don't choose your parents but you love them. You don't choose your kids but you love them. Its a choice based on how you feel from day to day But even when you don't feel good about it you still choose to love someone. The problem with people is they forget how they got in that situation with that person and start thinking about whats going to make them feel good for a moment and not whats right. I think you did that with every situation you where in with this man .........I think your chose to cheat on him was a way of tearing up the comfort and needing the fighting again in your life . Like i was at home before you left so you could feel love from him. I think thats the only way you think love works. You need that rescuing. The sex drive stop because of the cheating and your with holding from him hoping that there will be fighting and maybe because he was even temperd and understanding he never got mad. So that didn't cause the relationship to become upset . I think you need to relize that you need to fix you before you get involved again . I'm not saying its all your fault i'm just saying look after you the rest will happen later . | |
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| Does your heart lie?
Posted: 6/17/2009 10:11:02 AM | | YOURS doesn't, but others' do. But you can't read others' hearts or control them, all you can do is take a chance, roll the dice, be honest about what YOU want. | |
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| Does your heart lie?
Posted: 6/17/2009 10:51:13 PM | | I honestly don't think it does I have been a long relationship and had doubts from the beginning, always telling myself it would get better. It really hurts to not feel something for the person you chose to be with for the rest of your life, even though you have someone you still feel lonely. Its always scary to make changes, I have learnt so much in my relationship- but I am still confused myself | |
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| Does your heart lie?
Posted: 6/18/2009 5:07:24 AM | | I'm not one to believe your heart doesn't lie. Our emotions are controlled by our thoughts. I believe the generation wants to feel some astounding feeling about their signifigant other. If our relationship isn't perfect there MUST be something wrong. Lifes's PERFECT right? 30-40 yrs ago people worked through things, compromised, told the WHOLE truth. Now-a-days they want to be some insanely flawless person they're not willing to be totally real with another human being...not prince charming or superman | |
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