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| Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 3/21/2009 6:44:36 PM | I've been reading a lot of threads lately that relate to players, quality of men, looks and similar subjects. The 2 I'll cite are "Men I meet look ancient" and "Older men expecting daugthers to find a prince". A lot of recrimination about attitudes and dating. People claiming most men are "players" and the like.
Some of the other things I noticed is attitudes, blaming the other person for their unhappiness. I have to admit many men have a changed position on relationships. No matter what in many cases a guy comes out of a 12+ year marriage, he usually has kids and gets wacked with alimony, hence his once burned attitude about marriage. Women though have expressed the same thing, now looking for a relationship not necessarily marriage.
Most guys I think now look for a woman to date, yes, have sex with and see where it goes. If it lasts 6 months or 6 years or the rest of their life is not the goal when starting out. Happiness is the goal, and since that is the goal, not establishing a certain lifestyle, house, kids, savings, planning for the future together, since no one really knows how it will go. Think about it and reply please. Bob | |
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| Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 3/21/2009 7:26:23 PM | For me personally.....with no 'goal' as to speak of, why even date at all??? To have somebody's company? That's what I have friends for. To have SEX?? Oh great... I get to have sex with every person she had before me.... yahooooo!!!! Isn't this just FUN!!!????
Hey, I know my views are not the popular.... but I could care less.... I've already proven I can go five years without a relationship. What do I need ambiguous bullchit for in my life?? I may have gotten burned in the past. And it may take me a long time to find 'the right one'. And if I do, she might have to prove that she's got the same goals as I do. But it beats being a high plains drifter, always moving on to the next one...the next one...and the next one. It's ridiculous. I'll pass if that's the way society is headed. | |
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| Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 3/21/2009 7:34:02 PM |
Most guys I think now look for a woman to date, yes, have sex with and see where it goes. If it lasts 6 months or 6 years or the rest of their life is not the goal when starting out. Happiness is the goal, and since that is the goal, not establishing a certain lifestyle, house, kids, savings, planning for the future together, since no one really knows how it will go.
I don't know about the "most" part but, IMO, there is an element of truth to this... | |
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| Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 3/21/2009 7:42:46 PM | i do think you are probably right in that people look for happiness rather than anything substantial and i dont think it's a bad thing but it does limit one's growth
if happiness is all one wants there is no obligation to consider some one else's feelings etc and i think that is not good for us humans
at the same time i can understand why this seems to be the trend( with men), yet how long does it take to repair yourself from your past and give the respect and caring to the person(you are seeking your own happiness with)are others to be perpetually blamed for your life?(not meaning you personally)because that's what it amounts too
or is it that the net has made us so insensitive that nothing matters but one's own wants?? | |
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| Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 3/21/2009 7:51:19 PM |
if happiness is all one wants there is no obligation to consider some one else's feelings etc and i think that is not good for us humans
While there may not be an obligation there is a "mutual best interest" in considering the feelings of others. But then I don't see where there is any more or less obligation than in any other type of relationship either. | |
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| Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 3/21/2009 7:55:52 PM | I don't think it neccessarily makes us insensitive or not consider another's feelings. I believe it has more to do with changes that happen over 40. Many men worked at jobs they tolerated or worse, hated, to buy the house, good schools, have kids, give their families the little extras, vacations, pool in the yard, 2nd car, etc.
When that relationship went bad, his or her fault doesn't matter really. They now feel I want something for me, to make me feel good, to make me happy. Not houses, 2nd cars, etc. They can be happy in an apartment, go on trips, follow a hobby. They just don't believe in happily ever after, they believe in happy right now.
Now as to how many men this is, I have no idea, I said most, maybe that is because of what I've read on here lately. But there is a sea change in their attitudes about it. Not much different, then what women want really, except they are looking for a deepening relationship that will go somewhere. Some guys would rather think maybe it will, let's see. Not ok we date for 3 months, then we spend nights over each others house for 6 months, then we move into together and try that for a year, then in the 2nd year we get a joint bank account, then..................... See what I mean. Bob | |
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| Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 3/21/2009 8:12:11 PM |
Most guys I think now look for a woman to date, yes, have sex with and see where it goes. If it lasts 6 months or 6 years or the rest of their life is not the goal when starting out. Happiness is the goal, and since that is the goal, not establishing a certain lifestyle, house, kids, savings, planning for the future together, since no one really knows how it will go. Think about it and reply please.
At this point in our lives, there are many people looking for that happiness. We've had the home and the kids are grown, or mostly grown.
I'm not necessarily looking to get married. I would like to find someone to share the present with. If it continues into the future, so much the better. I'm not necessarily looking to get married, if it happens, okay but it's not my goal. It would be wonderful to find the right one, but even when I do, it will be important to take it one day at a time. Deciding each day to continue to love the person you are with, or not, is important. | |
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| Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 3/21/2009 8:30:09 PM | "blaming the other person for their unhappiness"
Big lesson.............only we can make ourselves happy.
Where does the idea come from that everyone is unhappy! I can only speak for myself and say I am very happy.........guess what I am single.
"Happiness is the goal, "
Please see big lesson ^^^
"and since that is the goal, "
Again, some of us are already happy.........hopefully a lot of us.
"not establishing a certain lifestyle, "
I have a happy single lifestyle..........not looking to give it up.
I wouldn't date anyone who hadn't already done the work on themselves to create a happy single lifestyle for themselves.
"house, kids, savings, planning for the future together, since no one really knows how it will go. "
Why assume that either gender wants to play house! | |
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| Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 3/21/2009 8:32:29 PM | Op, I have met several men who share your viewpoint...but in reality they are bitter from the divorce. If you talk to them any length of time they feel the woman they were married to got more than what they feel she deserves in the divorce.
They dont see that while they are still making the same amount if not more than they did when they were married, she took less lower paying jobs so she could do more for the family, if she had put her career ahead of theirs at this point in her life she would be making alot more.
It really is coming down to money....I have had several tell me they have no desire to share "WHAT THEY HAVE LEFT" with another female. Yet these men will often be the first to tell you about their jobs, their new homes, their cars, boats etc.
One of the guys I have met has slept with over 60 different women in three years...
like two a month.
And some stupid women really think that by sleeping with men right off the bat they will have a chance with them.
At times I dont blame Men for the way they are thinking, however I do blame them when they have long term on their profile vs dating...and when they imply from the start they are looking for a long term relationship.
However they feel if they are HONEST at the start the women wont sleep with them so now they dang "relationships" like it is a carrot on a string, come sleep with me and if you are good enough then maybe I will chose you to be in a relationship with when the bottom line...they simply want sex without any strings, or with her tied to them while they continue to fish at another end of the pond, or different dating site etc.
Women are thinking ...oh wow another man dates me for four months we get along fine the minute he starts to feel anything he goes poof...and then they realize it was basically a sexual relationship so if they are going to be used now they are looking at younger men more aggressively...
The bottom line is women want to feel secure in a relationship and then they are comfortable to open up and blosom with the man...the way things is now I dont really care if I date someone or not | |
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| Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 3/21/2009 8:37:22 PM | | Why can't people feel secure within themselves? Once we leave to feel secure within ourselves there is nothing in life that can ever make us feel insecure again. It is very freeing. Or we can chase the myth of security coming from others. | |
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Jim978
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Joined: 7/15/2008
Msg: 11 | |
| Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 3/21/2009 8:51:05 PM |
Where does the idea come from that everyone is unhappy!
Again, some of us are already happy.........hopefully a lot of us.
Come on now! How hard were you laughing when you typed out those two lines? 
You may very well be happy (I don't know you so I have no view on it...) but you've certainly read the posts in these very forums and the negative comments back and forth out-weigh the positives by a huge margin. "Happy" isn't a word I would ascribe to a majority of the forum members. | |
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| Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 3/21/2009 8:53:47 PM | "several men share your viewpoint" sorry not mine, just an observation on attitudes I see on here more and more.
"One of the guys I have met has slept with over 60 women in three years" well personally I couldn't do that. Worse if a man heard a woman did that she would called all sorts of names. Sleeping with someone in no way will guarantee a relationship, it may prolong a dating one. People must say what they mean and mean what they say, BUT there are liars everywhere!!
As for the hurt people mentioned, I agree, this place is littered with broken members of both sexes. For the other poster who mentioned "you have to be happy with you" or words to that effect, I agree, I am always happy with me. I am refering to the idea of happiness, being happy, having an uncomplicated life. Maybe these people are gun shy, since none has posted yet to get an idea of what drives them, I don't know.
One of the posters on those threads made reference to "players" and men not being players because they were honest that they wanted to date, if sex happened great, and let the relationship last as long as it could or did. Saying they were not players since they told no lies to get a woman to bed. I don't know about that, seems a little shady but I guess he is not a player telling you whatever you want to hear just for the sex.
People have definitely changed in their attitudes though, men want to keep it light, women want a guy to commit. Bob | |
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| Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 3/21/2009 9:04:56 PM | | OP - come on here, there's a whole lot of whining going on POF forums. Why should anyone live by "you complete me"? Why should anyone expect another to provide them a lifestyle, to provide them happiness, etc.? I'm happy in my life whether I have a man in it or not. We've all been down the road of Hurt and Screwed Over, but there comes a time where you have to get over it and move on. | |
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Jim978
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Joined: 7/15/2008
Msg: 14 | |
| Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 3/21/2009 9:10:46 PM |
People have definitely changed in their attitudes though, men want to keep it light, women want a guy to commit.
JMO but I think the former leads to the latter. In the 6 or so months I've been reading these forums I've seen numerous people refer to "committing", "commitment", etc.. and I've asked at least 15 times what they mean when they use the word and not ONE has replied with a concrete answer. (I get the same thing form others I talk to off-line as well.)
The usage appears to change with the individual and their particular relationship so it seems to be a very fluid notion. In effect, what *I* hear when I see someone complaining about a lack of commitment is "He/She won't commit to something that I reserve the right to move the goal posts for whenever I choose."
If someone wants me to commit, then they'd better be able to spell out exactly what they expect me to commit to and they had better commit to not randomly changing the definition as time goes on. | |
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| Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 3/21/2009 9:20:25 PM | | Well said. I have been divorced for over 17 years. I wanted to limit my "baggage" before I started dating. Though it isn't completely gone, I also know that I don't need a man to take care of me but do want someone in my life. And yes, though sex is important in ones life...going out with anyone who has had multiple partners just because they wanted sex definitely does not interest me. It's it more fulfilling to have someone special in ones life that you know is going to be around...instead of jumping in the sack with everyone one meets not knowing if they are ms/mr right or ms/mr who has given you some disease. | |
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| Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 3/21/2009 9:37:55 PM | I would definitely like to be in an exclusive committed relationship. It seems so simple to me, yet there are numerous interpretations to that title. I sometimes get mail from men who are looking for a wife. This always throws me a little because to me, the only way you decide to marry is after you meet someone, fall in love, and then want them to be your spouse. I just can't wrap my head around the shopping for a wife thing.
They ask "would you like to get married again?" I say "if I met someone who loved me enough to ask, and I loved him enough to want to be his wife, then yes."
Right now I just want to meet someone who cares about me enough to spend time with me. | |
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| Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 3/21/2009 9:48:42 PM | Bob2013 Wrote:
Most guys I think now look for a woman to date, yes, have sex with and see where it goes. If it lasts 6 months or 6 years or the rest of their life is not the goal when starting out. Happiness is the goal, and since that is the goal, not establishing a certain lifestyle, house, kids, savings, planning for the future together, since no one really knows how it will go. Think about it and reply please.
My Response:
From the sounds of this I must think & act much differently than most men. I was married for a very long time … 30 yrs before my divorce almost 5 yrs ago. While the last few yrs of my marriage were the most difficult of my life I still feel blessed for having experienced almost 2 decades of a wonderful, loving relationship. The bad times that followed could never overshadow those 1st amazing years. So I suppose since my divorce my goal has always been to find that special someone, embark on a new relationship, apply any learning’s from my past & build an even better relationship in my later years.
I almost came to the conclusion that the odds were stacked against me until I met this wonderful lady on POF. While we’ve only known each other for about 8 months she makes me feel like I haven’t felt in yrs. One of the great challenges that face us is we live several hundred miles apart. But I think we’ve made the most of the past 8 months in spite of the distance between us. What I have found is that it’s not enough for me to find happiness unless I can bring that same happiness to another human being in the process. I think it’s that synergy that the 2 of us have that satisfies my desires & makes me look forward to each new day. | |
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| Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 3/21/2009 10:14:05 PM | Actually the more I think about this..the whole idea is a copout...they dont want to risk being hurt...they dont want a true connection...keeping it light means that the bodies have disposible faces on them...use one until they start to whine about wanting more and then bring in the next...i want no part of that. I want a man who can feel who knows the difference between rutting like a dog, making love, fvcking, having sex etc..they are all different and play a part in a good relationship.
What you are saying is they want the good and happy times without the troubled times...they dont want to put any more energy into anything than they have to to get what they want out of it....and they are getting exactly what they deserve imo...they are validating themselves with a bunch of other people who just random use other bodies with no emotional connection...and each time they are with a new person they get more and more jaded...hey isnt this fun...btw what was your name? It is called meaningless sex for a reason..it is a hobby, entertainment and guess what to get off you need more and more and more until one day the person you wake up next to is someone you would have normally never been interested in but you decided to give it a try to see well...what it was like.....ewww is all i can say! | |
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| Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 3/21/2009 11:14:19 PM | you can't have happiness just for yourself (unless you are alone) when you are with someone your happiness is always related to them and theirs to you in some way,so to share happiness there has to be an emotional connection, friendship,love,good will etc but this is exactly what they want to avoid, being happy alone has nothing to do with being happy with someone else, it should never be at the expense of someone else
i am happy alone i like my own company,but if i am with someone i want to know they have my interests at heart as much as their own and no it doesn't mean i want a house etc it means i need the emotional security knowing i am not used for a fool just so someone else can be happy | |
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| Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 3/21/2009 11:46:33 PM |
One of the guys I have met has slept with over 60 different women in three years...
like two a month.
Speaking in generalities, does this say more about the men or the women? It pays to be a bad boy so why blame the bad boys? They didn't create the rewards for being a bad boy, the women did. In a logical world, lying, cheating etc. would be punished, not rewarded but when it comes to dating, the power belongs to the women. To this day, women still write love letters to Charles Manson and hundreds of thousands of women stay in abusive relationships.
The internet does not really change things. It only makes it easier for those who are practiced pushing the right buttons. Those guys who are willing to risk a real commitment are not so practiced and honesty restricts what they do so they end up on the "read-delete" pile. They are invisible.
It seems that one who gives respect, looses respect when it comes to dating. | |
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| Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 3/22/2009 1:43:16 AM | Some of the other things I noticed is attitudes, blaming the other person for their unhappiness. I have to admit many men have a changed position on relationships. No matter what in many cases a guy comes out of a 12+ year marriage, he usually has kids and gets wacked with alimony, hence his once burned attitude about marriage. Women though have expressed the same thing, now looking for a relationship not necessarily marriage.
Most guys I think now look for a woman to date, yes, have sex with and see where it goes. If it lasts 6 months or 6 years or the rest of their life is not the goal when starting out. Happiness is the goal, and since that is the goal, not establishing a certain lifestyle, house, kids, savings, planning for the future together, since no one really knows how it will go. Think about it and reply please. Bob
Give it up Sapphire..... they've found the gravy train and there's no turning back ..... 6 days, 6 months or.... 6 minutes.
Sad but true and this is the closest I've seen them come to coughing up the TRUTH. Just a shame they snivel and whine at us for feeling we'd like to go to bed with someone who actually cares about us as people, as we would them.
Little tasties and quick goodbyes are the order of the day, and bad mouthing us for wanting more, the amusement.
They've got their families, kids who will hover over them as their last breath draws near, all the possibility of sex on demand they can handle with no strings while they can still get it up....Ciao Baby .. and they're happy as clams with what the world has to offer them at the click of a finger... can't you hear their gleefulness?
We are dinosaur superfluous my dear, throw backs to a kinder gentler world that's gone out the window with wall phones and the Mowtown sound..  .
Right Bob? Put up and/or shut up... and be happy, happy, happy?
Argghhh.....
The whole point is that we have different views of what happiness is.... ya know? | |
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| Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 3/22/2009 3:37:58 AM | Women and men who focus on sex will abuse the gift fighting over it. That's all it takes.
The problem with women is they just want emotional satisfaction. If the man doesn't give it to them on the first date they move on to the next man. It's filthy and disgusting how some women treat men as no more than a source of emotional gratification, as if all a man is, is a heart they can tap for love when their need arises. We are more than that and deserve to be treated better. If all you want is love, hire a poet. A decent man is looking for a real woman who wants more than just his heart. We want a woman that gets it, who knows that before a man can enjoy affection he needs sex. It's not all about YOU!!!
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| Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 3/22/2009 3:40:25 AM |
They now feel I want something for me, to make me feel good, to make me happy. Not houses, 2nd cars, etc. They can be happy in an apartment, go on trips, follow a hobby. They just don't believe in happily ever after, they believe in happy right now.
If you don’t want a life mate type of relationship, then tell your suitors upfront; if you just want to “live in the moment” or just “have sex and see where things go”, then be honest from the gate. If people are not being played, then they will not think you’re a player.
As long as someone is honest and upfront with their intentions, then I wouldn’t think any less of them for wanting to be non-committal. To each their own, but a “come what may” existence is not the type of relationship I desire. For me, there are far more important aspects to life than where you live, what you drive, or hobbies, trips, and other “in the moment” distractions. I don’t want a 3M kind of man, whose personal mantra is “something for me, to make me feel good, to make me happy”. I’m hoping to find someone who finds life more enjoyable with a devoted and loving life mate by his side. I want to give and receive the companionship, loyalty, stability, reliability, deep intimacy, romantic love, et al that comes with a “for life” type of commitment. | |
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| Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 3/22/2009 5:05:57 AM | The whining is from lack of sex
Or if they get it on a regular basis, they then find out their partner is wack-a-doodle, or has some major personality flaw/disorder that makes the cost of the sex way too high... | |
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| Relationships and Women, hey guys what do you think?
Posted: 3/22/2009 5:56:17 AM | One poster said:
The bottom line is women want to feel secure in a relationship and then they are comfortable to open up and blosom with the man...the way things is now I dont really care if I date someone or not. Goodness gracious, I sooooooo agree with that! ^
Another answered that with:
Why can't people feel secure within themselves? Once we leave to feel secure within ourselves there is nothing in life that can ever make us feel insecure again. It is very freeing. Or we can chase the myth of security coming from others.
Okay.. the first poster was talking about feeling secure in a relationship.
That means something totally different than the feeling "secure within themselves"!
I can be very secure with who I am.. "secure within myself"..
but if I were on hanging onthe edge of a mountain , or in the midst of someone breaking into my home..
I sure as heck would feel INSECURE of the situation! | |
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