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k m
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Joined: 6/1/2008
Msg: 1 | |
| can i win custody of my wee girls as a dad
Posted: 3/24/2009 10:26:03 AM | | hi well to cut to the chase really. i split over a year ago and was to messed up to do anything about it at the time but as i got myself back on my feet i realised my ex was getting worse her actions were getting out of control sleeping around drinking lots and introducing the girls to diffrent guys even spending weekends at a time in hotels with the girls and guys. i applied for full custody and have a hearing on the 20th july after the social servises report has been completed. she has also joined the army and will need to go away for periods at a time from 4 weeks to 8 months. i however have a great job earn a fair bit and can offer stability but i just feel women always win and all i want is to be there and look after my babies the best way i can any guys out there got advice or women that could help ????? thanks | |
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| can i win custody of my wee girls as a dad
Posted: 3/24/2009 11:07:06 AM | | She sleeps with different guys and drinks, but she is healthy and fit and in fact was able to join the army. She has had the kid over a year because you were "to messed up to do anything about it ". Dating different guys, living in hotels and even drinking (with in limits) is not a big deal compared to being "to messed up to do anything about it " for over a year, but things might be different in the UK. Now her joining the Army, that could have a real impact if the case were held in the US any ways. 8 months away, it is not possible to care for a child. If you are in fact not "to messed up to do anything about it" any more then the court might in fact give you primary custody. You story seems a bit fishy to me and it is only one side. Why courts work to get to both sides of the story. I have my kids so guys can win if they are the best place for the children, but in the US it is not a fair fight, so guys have to be a lot better then the moms. | |
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| can i win custody of my wee girls as a dad
Posted: 3/24/2009 11:09:51 AM | | I'm not sure how it it works in the Uk and don't know your laws. But, I feel if you believe you are the better parent for the girls then you should give it your all. Then if something bad happens to your girls then you are not wondering what if. And if it doesn't go the proper way, don't forget to keep fighting! Your girls will appreciate in the end. Goodluck on your battle. Hope all goes well. | |
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| can i win custody of my wee girls as a dad
Posted: 3/24/2009 11:23:31 AM | | The thing about this is, your mistake, sounds like drugs, is not going to shine well for you. Her, in the military must be testing clean for drug use. Her act of stability. Drinking and seeing men, sounds like she temporarily lost it after your mishap. She got back on track and has kept her promise to care for the girls. If her family takes care of the girls when she is deployed, what's wrong with that? Go for joint custody and keep your act clean for the kids sake. She is doing her part, you do yours and never forget that it's not about you two any more it's about making sure the girls feel stable and loved by both parents. | |
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| can i win custody of my wee girls as a dad
Posted: 3/24/2009 12:39:25 PM | So when you and your ex split you were too messed up to "do anything about it"....does that mean you haven't been a presence in their lives or you just decided to give her full custody and not fight for joint or joint physical custody?
Did you try to negotiate a different custody arrangement with Mom or are you just going to give it to her in court?
Do you want custody to punish the Mom or to protect your kids?
Men can get custody of children if the custodial parent is neglecting the children or if there has been a material change in circumstances for the children.
Just remember as you proceed....children are not pawns to be used in a vicious fight between the parents. They are not a prize in a contest. They are human beings who deserve to have the love of BOTH parents and to have a meaningful relationship with BOTH parents.
What you describe of her conduct is rather dispicable in my opinion as a parent. It does sound like the children are accessories to her social life. A social life happens only after the needs of the children are met, but again that is my opinion.
Good luck and if this is truly only about the children, you need to demonstrate to the courts satisfaction that the children's interests are not being tended to in Mom's custody. You might end up with joint physical custody....but unless you prove her unfit, I doubt you will get sole custody. Children don't need their lives turned upside down unless it is necessary to do so for their protection and benefit. | |
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| can i win custody of my wee girls as a dad
Posted: 3/24/2009 12:58:03 PM | | If she's joining the army then she'll be doing 10 maybe 12 weeks basic training to start with. I know the army has changed a bit since I joined up but I'm 100% sure you aren't allowed to take your kids to basic training with you. You need to speak to your ex to find out if she is definately joining up...if she is then speak to CAB and/or a solicitor cause there is a good chance that she will be posted abroad or many miles from you which could make it very difficult for you to see your child on a regular basis. | |
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| can i win custody of my wee girls as a dad
Posted: 3/24/2009 1:22:21 PM | | Just like I would advise someone here in the States. Hire a good attorney, document EVERYTHING and gather any piece of information you can to show your life with the children will be far more stable. | |
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| can i win custody of my wee girls as a dad
Posted: 3/24/2009 2:17:55 PM | Why does everyone assume he got messed up with drugs I see nothing bout him saying he was "to messed up" because of drugs ... How about jus emotionally distraught after leaving his wife ... Maybe he didn't want to leave his girls in a situation that was emotionally unfit for them and had no choice ... Which apparently to me there mother is a unfit mother ... Any mother that sleeps around in motels and drinking with her children present is uncalled for ... Then to be introducing them to the men she's banging is wrong and unsafe if she don't know who the hell they are!!! ... No matter how you cut the cake ... And jus because she has joined the army doesn't make her a fit parent because she may have passed the drug test but she can still be a alcoholic ... My aunt was in the service and was a alcoholic and she lost custody of her kids cause of her drinking ... I would say give it your all and GOOD LUCK  | |
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| can i win custody of my wee girls as a dad
Posted: 3/24/2009 3:30:33 PM | Hi
I have the residence of my two children. It was a bitter and protracted experience. The litmus test the Courts tend to apply is 'the best interests of the children' Certain factors will not count as positive will be why you did not take residence initially and only you know those reasons, but you can mitigate your circumstances in Court and with the assistance of good counsel produce a plan for your proposals for your children under your parenting. In my (humble) experience your chances for shared residence would be an easier corner to attack from. You do not state if you were married, but irrespective of the actions of the mother, if they are specifically safe and cared for and she has 'the best interests of the children at heart'; again shared residence would be the easy option for the Courts. Some advocates may suggest intervention by CAFCASS where the children may be ' at risk' I would advise caution, CAFCASS have tremendous power within the Court system (being part of the Lord Chancellor's dept) but if you play that card it and you are straight and honest, it could offer more ammunition for shared residence.
Courts also tend to preserve the Status Quo, hence the children are with their mother and given no material change in their lives is expected the Status Quo should remain. If you were married you will still have rights and you may, just may, be able to delay or prevent the children being taken out of the country to live.
In my particular circumstances my ex-wife was a caring, loving mother who at times could not cope. Social Services (the SS) painted me as a very nasty person who, they deemed, 'should not have sole care of any child' CAFCASS were then involved and the truth came out where the SS were dismissed for incompetance and I was given residence of the children... that was over 5 years ago. The comments made in Court were that my arguments, profile, personality and character were 'consistent' Where she was not. I had the best interests of the children and hers' were not quite so.
I do not believe that I 'won' anything. I am bringing up our children on my own (no partner, girlfriend or anything) and it is a very demanding hard slog; also incredibly rewarding, My son is 11 and my daughter 13.
I don't know what else I can tell you. I wish you well and would advise you do not loose sight of what is important... the children.
Good luck | |
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| can i win custody of my wee girls as a dad
Posted: 3/24/2009 3:35:27 PM | | It depends on so many things,first off even if stuff you know is true about her in can be called hersay,every state is differnt and Judge,and how good yourLawyer is,The mother has to be doin some really bad stuff in massachusetts,When you try to get your kids and they where taken fromyour wife,its even harder,but not for Grandparents,because I have severe Asthma so Iwas Judged by a super liberal state,Ima liberal but not a phoney elitist,Possibly Iwas judged for speaking my mind to the court,That when my ex needed help,noone was there,now my son needs it and when Itry to be there,but having mymom have custody gives me the chance to see him,and that is important,In my case my ex is stillhis mom,and Ifeelas though she made a mistake,She had aloton her plate withno help,Wewillbothgetto see himnow,I been through myex when we firstgot adivorce,justto be mean,she wore her wedding dress,so allthekeepingme from my son in the beginng justhurt him,and he has had it hard except differnt times he livedwithme,excluding little arguments that allparents have,he is 15,and seemslikehe is 21,and tallerthen me,and there isalotIhavesaid in the fourms about my ex,but its best just toget along forthe kids,wish the worldworkedlike that,but there is so much anger in divorce | |
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| can i win custody of my wee girls as a dad
Posted: 3/24/2009 3:40:08 PM | In the states it is harder for men to get custody because the courts have viewed the mother as the better choice for the custodial parent for the past 100 years. It is hard to change the mindset of old school judges and unless the mother is behind bars or in a mental institution they will award custody to her and you will get your kids about e/o weekend-standard. I'm guessing in the UK it could be the same, but the UK is fairly liberal these days. There are many facts missing here and unless we know them it is hard to give you the advise you seek. Do you have a court ordered parenting time and visitation?
If so have you spent every day you were awarded with your kids?
Did you exercise your visitation during your time getting yourself together?
Are you the legal father as stated on birth certificates?
Do you have any felonies, history of violence, drug use, sexual abuse?
If your are pretty clean on the above stated questions and can prove to the courts why you should be awarded custody you stand a good chance. If your case is weak I hope you have a lot of money, the best attorney available, and a lot of luck. If you are truly a great loving, stable father I hope the best for you. | |
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| can i win custody of my wee girls as a dad
Posted: 3/24/2009 4:28:41 PM | | For the first 2 years i was in contact with my children but only last year did i go to court for permenant custody. it was an expensive and difficult 6 months ans if social services are involved then its an even harder fight. i used a group called famlies need fathers (FnF.com) were great loads of advice and monthly meetings all over country well worth contacting. any way i ended up with joint custody. and all my time with kids is thurs to sun so be prepared to except that which means like me you on here trying to find someone as your whole time will be with youchildren and its costly if you work best of luck | |
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k m
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Joined: 6/1/2008
Msg: 13 | |
| can i win custody of my wee girls as a dad
Posted: 3/25/2009 12:37:44 AM | | Firstly i am sorry for not giving more detail. I have never ,would never and have no intention of going near drugs. i was meesed up due to the fact i was in iraq and got a email from my then ex wife telling me that by the time i got back she would be gone it turned out that she got lonley and boerd and had an affair thats what ended my marragie i was devastated completley i lost my home my wife i loved very very much and my children it took me a while to get back on my feet i had to move in to a single room in a camp and just couldnt accept that i had lost everything i always kept giving her chances to prove she had changed and let her realise she made a mistake but it has just got worse and my final point is why should her family look after my girls for up to 8 months when i can do it and do it well | |
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| can i win custody of my wee girls as a dad
Posted: 3/25/2009 2:04:27 AM | Hi in the uk the woman seems to always win no disrepect most off them are the best people to look after them in a lot off ways saying that i have my kids and ok its hard at times but i love them
think what you need to prove is not that your ex wife is sleeping around or going into hotels etc,,, thats her own personal choice on how she lives her life ,but prove to the court that you are a responable loving parent and can cope with looking after your childern in the end its not what you want or to a degree what your ex wife wants but what is best for your childern in the uk the parent who has the childern has to grant reasonable access to the childern and if not they can be taken to court to make them ,,, unless there is another reason why access would be restricted | |
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| can i win custody of my wee girls as a dad
Posted: 3/25/2009 4:22:50 AM | Ian I agree with you that he should focus on why he would be a good parent and ordinarily an adult's sexual choices are not a reason to lose custody but this is not banging someone in the next room, the kids are, unless the couple pops for rooms with a connecting door, kids IN the room.
Normally in the United States, the other parent will be given the first rights to look after the children if the custodial parent cannot (applies to people working, i.e. the other parent and not a babysitter, and the military and deployments) and you should insist on this being part of the custody agreement even if it is not standard in the UK. Even if you do not get full custody you should have your children when your wife is deployed. | |
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| can i win custody of my wee girls as a dad
Posted: 3/25/2009 10:19:35 AM | hi i dont have any custordy thing at all my kids live with me as there mum didnt want them and lives in the states now while we live in the uk and i would off put up a battle for them as well ,
but also you have to remember this is also about your kids and there not prizes ,to be won or lost whatever happens the kids are going to be hurt as mum or dad will be hurt
i hope all goes well for you and who ever wins has the good judgement to invole the other parent in as many ways as posible ,for the sake off the kids not the adults | |
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k m
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Joined: 6/1/2008
Msg: 17 | |
| can i win custody of my wee girls as a dad
Posted: 3/25/2009 12:16:56 PM | | i will never and would never stop the mum seeing the girls i just really think they would be better off with me in a proper home not having to move around every two years and be there for them every day not going away for months on end and leaving them with a nanny or granny untill i returned i miss them so much and know i can give 100% to them every day of their lives | |
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| can i win custody of my wee girls as a dad
Posted: 3/25/2009 3:28:20 PM | | hi ,how much contact do you have with your,children at the moment,and is this your first hearing,im in the middle of something similar at the moment.but if its any help,it might take you a while ,but my eldest son whos ten has lived with me since he was 3 but it took two years.if you need any advice just ask.im in cort with my ex for the second time on april 30th with our two girls. | |
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| can i win custody of my wee girls as a dad
Posted: 3/25/2009 4:04:50 PM | | Yes you can! I was a bit of a mess a few years ago so I sobered up, filed for divorce and ended up with 50% custody of my 2 daughters. Do what you should to prove yourself a primary parent, don't waste your time running down your ex. Best of luck, stay clean no matter what happens, you'll still be a father no matter what. | |
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| can i win custody of my wee girls as a dad
Posted: 3/25/2009 4:45:13 PM | | I wanted to say alot of people in her faimly and Massachusetts make my life hard,if it was just my mother,they also makemy ex wifes difficult, but she willnot agree with me,it is the ones like the add lite ems,the Judge is actually kind of fair,and her rotten stinking aunts,sorry if this sounds imature,but if you had to deal with these really weird people you would feelthe same,myex and I eloped and knew each other in HS,well when we get back toMassachusetts her Mother had 5 Psychologists grill us with questions on why we maid her feel emotionally responsible,this lady is a fruitcake,Now that her husband left she only has her outragious alimony,and he has the other kids,and rachellleaves in Government housing,and mykid still got abused ,but some how they look at the fateher,which Ihave pased finger print checks,the mostcrimeis bounceing a check,but mostof us has done,that,this guy is right,the child bonds tothe mom,but mabye this guy is a super dad,he may party but when it comes tohis girls,if any thing goes wrong it tears his heart out,or mabye there where,her new bf sticking his yap in when it was none of his buisness,or just people,you knowother ppeople are famous for saying stuff,like my ex's mom and 3 Aunts,ok womans lib,Isay 50-50,but they get pissy if I hold the door open for them,I said what was on my mind,and there a bunch of babies that even though there words will hurt my son,they rather save there own buts,like the reason alot a poor people died on the titanic because peoplelike these,ohmefirst meme meme me me,id id id gimmie gimmie,it hurts your head,its moremy ex's relitives then her,there rich and she has nomoney,weird,IfIwas rich ,I would not spoilmy son,but he would not have to worry about seeing the toys I give him,at a pawn shop,I love my son and hate them,especially the meddlers,notmy ex,she is just trying to stay a float.I would say look,no I wont say that. | |
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| can i win custody of my wee girls as a dad
Posted: 3/25/2009 5:22:20 PM | Hi k m
Having read your message I gather that you were very upset
when the relationship ended and I can fully empathise with
your feelings at that time.
You can only do your best to present your wishes to the courts
and leave the rest to their authority.'Grind' your teeth and only
address the issues of custody and do not criticise the mother
at any stage of the hearings except where it clearly involves
the impending safety of the children.
Your behaviour and stability has to be perceived by all around you
and you have to demonstrate this over a fair period of time.
If you maintain your 'cool' and provide stability in all your actions
you will win out IN THE END.Try and get as much access to your children
(assuming you lose custody)as is posssible and make sure that you
provide an alternate way of life FREE OF ANY OTHER PARTNERS
OR EXTERNAL INFLUENCES THAT CLEARLY PROVIDES AN
ALTERNATIVE to your ex-partner so that the children see the life
you live and THEY will choose accordingly.
Have total ONE TO ONE contact with the children on access
and attend access punctually and never speak badly about
your ex-partner to your children EVER and believe me they
are not stupid;they will love you for it.
At the end of the day if you feel that the most important goal in your
life is your children then with enormous personal sacrifice you will
nurture by example loving and responsible children and win out.
Men come from a really low base in the eyes of family courts
and judges rarely give full custody to men;that is a fact of life
and you have to show over time that you are very different
by example and behaviour.It is grinding and exhausting work
but children are worth it;believe me!
They will come to live with you and choose your values well
before they reach adulthood and the courts will be able
to do 'ZILCH' about it!It will be their choice. | |
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| can i win custody of my wee girls as a dad
Posted: 3/25/2009 5:41:12 PM | | Every one has a differnt back ground,and my ex was the opisite of me and cheated on me,but there are times,you look at what is most important,there is always some one worse of and better off,there are differnt online groups to help,none of then really helped me,but that was a long time ago,my son will be 15,and she may be holding on to the kids because its all she has and she is not thinking whats best,in Alinon you probably know there are people you callif you feel like a drink,mabye you can get help with meetings for both of you,talk with your vicor,or get a puppy for the girls,that propbly wont work but you will be there favorite,like a Pug every one likes those or a Boxer,Pack a brunch and ask your wife and kids to join,if she said the Army,that is a bad plan A,She may want to sober up,open a college fund for the girls,then you will be kinda poor like me,there will be no money for partys,but there always a friend,that has it,So I have heard,I am not taking light of the situation,the pain of this can be unreal,you can say sober up,but its the booze or the girls,and the biggest monster the system,if its ,well I dont know you have since Tony Blare,the faimly I have live in Scotland,they keep to them selves,theylike thing s oldfashined,and there older,there kids live in Canada,Hope all ends up well,Is consuling allcostmoney there or is it like Canada,where its there but you wait for ever from what I hear | |
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k m
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Joined: 6/1/2008
Msg: 24 | |
| can i win custody of my wee girls as a dad
Posted: 3/26/2009 1:46:42 AM | | hi again just found out she has to go away for 12 weeks on her training course and she intends to leave the girls with her mum and friend. can i go back to court and apply to take them and she also told the court last week she wasnt going anywhere untill july while we await the social servises report. i really feel i am much better prepared to look after my girls than her friend any advice appreciated guys and girls | |
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| can i win custody of my wee girls as a dad
Posted: 3/26/2009 5:22:11 AM | OP
are there any professionals that can help you?
eg. doctors, teachers, paediatrician
if your children are living the life you described it must affect their health and their schooling - speak to those professionals, you don't need to disclose your personal crisis. as a concerning parent, you have a right to be informed off their progress, unless there's a court order regarding your communicating to the SOs in your children's life...
good luck! | |
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